Chapter 14
“He entered their world politely. Dressed like a gentleman. Starving like a wolf.”—The Count of Monte Cristo
JUDE
“Okay we start in three minutes.” Axel exhales and levels me with a glare. “Seriously, be nice.”
My entire world has exploded. I stare her down and whisper. “I’m always nice.” Too nice, and right now I don’t know what to do, what to say.
“It’s two hours, not like I’m going to kill him in two hours,” she says, and somehow with that outfit on and her positioning, her voice sounds different, a bit muffled and lower behind the mask or maybe it’s just softer with the microphone?
Either way, I cannot believe that she’s who I was listening to.
Messaging or commenting under Sleepyhead.
That was me, and I lived for some of her comments.
I’d wait until I was able to listen, and I’d just sit there and relisten to every episode that had L’s voice.
My prison mate used to make fun of me for my obsession, said it was probably some old retired grandma with bunions and a lazy eye and I was head over heels for her.
The stupid thing? I dreamed of that voice all the time. It got me through the rage, it led me away from the pain and got me sucked into stories that weren’t mine, into endings that were happy, some that were sadder, but always important.
How was I supposed to know that the devil had outstretched his hand and I’d taken it thinking it was my savior from drowning, from disappearing into the darkness altogether.
Rage overtakes me then.
Pure rage.
“Two minutes,” Axel calls.
“You’re L,” I say dryly.
She looks up. “Yeah, why?”
“You ever fuck your commentors too or do you reserve that for your professors, asking for a friend.”
She shakes her head. “I know you hate me but can you at least try to hide it right now? We have a job to do and?—”
“You’ll get through it,” I whisper. “You’ve got this.
” I keep going. “Stay strong. The light as always at the end of the tunnel.” My voice cracks.
“Remember the Titans.” Stinging appears behind my eyes I can’t stop it any more than I can stop talking.
“I barely know you but I’m rooting for you.
” I shudder. “Don’t give into the demons, just listen to my voice.
When you’re afraid, when you’re scared, when you want to give in. Don’t.”
She lowers the iPad. A tear spills over onto the screen. “Sleepyhead?”
“I wonder if you’d take it back,” I rasp. “All that encouragement. If you knew, it was me you were encouraging.”
God, is anything real in my life?
Is anything mine anymore?
I can’t even have a voice that pulls me from the darkness; it just has to belong to the woman who betrayed me.
Why?
What did I ever do that was so wrong other than exist to deserve this?
“No.” She lifts her chin. “I take nothing back.” A tear slides down her cheek as she whispers. “Life is worth living.”
It was one of the comments I remembered the most.
It was the night I wanted to end it all.
I had no hope.
I had nobody.
I had her voice.
Live.
“One minute,” Axel calls.
I grip her by the thighs and jerk her chair toward me. It rolls until her legs are spread around my body, until our foreheads touch. “What did I fucking say about your tears?”
She doesn’t wipe them, doesn’t duck away. Instead, I tug her face mask down and cup her face, lean up and kiss her cheek sucking the tear between my lips before replacing the mask and growling. “Mine.”
“Ten seconds. I’m getting fired. I just know it,” Axel says over the com.
I send her rolling back to the desk and face mine knowing full well that the primal reaction I have toward her isn’t going to go away for two straight hours.
Uncomfortable as hell, I tell my body to calm the fuck down and let out a slow exhale staring straight ahead at my script.
Now I have to read with the only woman who ever gave me hope while trying to separate the good from the bad, the raw physical response from the emotional one that says I’m just confused.
None of it is working.
Ten cold showers and an electrical shock to my heart wouldn’t work right now.
“In three, two, one,” Axel counts down.
She stares straight ahead like she’s in shock.
Shit. I quickly put on my headphones. “Hey, I’m Sleepyhead Jude.
” I use my handle. “Guesting here with the lovely L and we’re about to blow your minds.
” I hate everyone. Axel’s giving me a thumbs up while Lilah slowly thaws back to life.
“The last few chapters of The Count of Monte Cristo are my favorite, what about you, L?”
“Y-yeah.” She frowns. “I think I love that he tried to do the right thing but his best friend wouldn’t let him, he couldn’t live in a world where he had everything and still tries to go back so it feels like we can like Edmond’s character more knowing he didn’t fully seek revenge in the end.”
“Hmm,” I spin my chair toward her, grabbing my mic in my hand. “Interesting, so do you think you identify with Edmond or Fernand?”
“Fernand,” she says quickly. “I know what it’s like to betray someone.
I’d like to think that in the end I’m a little bit of both, but once you do bad things there is no redemption there’s only owning it.
Though Fernand didn’t in the end. I’ve always thought of myself as the villain trying to become a hero rather than the hero who turned into a villain. What about you?”
Her answer shocks me. I can’t tell if she’s messing with me or not, but I answer honestly.
“I used to be like Edmond in the beginning, but life also gave me a few hits so I think I identify with him the most now. But revenge is just like forgiveness; only you can give it and in the end only you benefit from it, except forgiveness sets you free, revenge poisons your soul.”
“What about your soul, Sleepyhead?” she asks.
“Full of poison, care to suck it out, L?” I tease softly.
Her cheeks flare bright red.
I can practically hear Axel groaning behind us.
“Let’s get into it.” She clears her throat. “Chapter…”
The reading goes fast. I pour myself into every emotion, every regret, every painful part of the book, I immerse myself in her voice and let every part of my shell peel away until all she sees is the rawness of who I am. I do it on purpose, knowing it’s going to hurt like hell to put it back on.
And then the light turns red.
She’s breathing in and out, heavy.
I can’t believe it went that fast or was that physically exhausting.
A knock sounds at the door. It’s Axel. “Guys, I don’t know what the hell that was, but we almost broke the app again, the live reading had over a hundred thousand listeners in real time. Good work.”
“I want a bonus! “I shout, my voice cracks though so I sound like I’m going through puberty.
“Your dad owns the company jack ass, ask for more allowance!” He calls back. “I’m already buying you drinks, dumb ass. I was worried, though, not gonna lie, really worried when you guys had your whatever it was. Guess you have some history hmm?”
“Kind of.” I lie.
“Yes.” Lilah says and turns to him. “I’m the one who testified against him, lied and sent him to prison.
I thought he was dead though all those years because of a misunderstanding I still don’t get, yet here we are.
All resurrected, angry, and full of joy.
” She stumbles when she gets up, I reach for her, but she shakes her head.
“Anyways, I’m going to get back to the apartment. I’m tired.”
She rushes past us.
Axel opens his mouth.
Then she stops and looks over her shoulder. “Truth,” Her eyes well with more tears. “For seven years I thought you were dead.”
I think about her comments about her voice. “Truth.” I answer right away. “Until I heard your voice, I thought I was too.”
She leaves.
And rage takes over.
It fills every space of my body until I can barely think, because she singlehandedly stole every ounce of revenge from my body, and took control.
Now I can’t hate her, now I’m stuck between wanting her and the truth more and more and wishing it were true that it was all a lie that she was manipulated as much as I was.
But if I don’t have my hate.
If I don’t have my revenge what do I fucking have? This job? Searching endlessly for the truth of my mom’s death and waiting for more clues?
But without revenge, it feels meaningless, like nothing.
I’m back at square one, without any direction, with nothing.
“Look,” Axel just has to choose the worst time to fill the space with the sound of his voice and what he’s going to think are wise words.
“From what I know, she’s a really good person, maybe she’s telling the truth.
Have you ever asked her dad why? Have you ever even asked her full side of the story without assuming she’s lying?
No, knowing you, you probably assumed out of your ass.
You know your dad’s evil incarnate, my dad’s an asshole and even he hates him.
That’s saying something, plus, there’s always more to the story with him. ”
“Would you testify against me?” I cross my arms. “If you knew it was a lie.”
“That depends.” He glares. “On what’s on the line. If some psychopath threatens my family I probably wouldn’t do the right thing. What matters the most to her.”
Me. I did. I want to say.
Then I think about her dad.
How he spent time in prison, how he worked for my dad, a secret only I knew about because my own dad threatened me.
She was in the room before I could make it there.
Which is why it was impossible that I pulled a trigger.
By the time I got there it was just her and my dad, blood everywhere, but she? She looked like she’d just seen a ghost.
I hadn’t thought about it in a long time. I didn’t want to. It was too raw. Too real. I shook my head. “Whatever, you owe me drinks. I want to get wasted. I’m not in the mood to feel.”
“You sure?—”
“—Axel, you’re not my therapist and you sure as hell don’t want to dance with my demons right now when they’re already eating me alive. Drop it. Before you become the only target of my rage.”
“Understood.” He holds up his hands. “Understood. Let’s go.”