Chapter 30 Phin
Phin
“So, you really are my demon,” I whispered, repeating the words Ramsey had said to me, the truth of them landing in my gut like a punch. My chest ached, and I realized I’d been in varying stages of hope and denial for days, maybe weeks.
“Does that make you my angel then, Feather? Can you forgive me for what I did? What I might still do to Father Morton and perhaps that apothecary?" He seemed incredibly young and oddly insecure as he waited for my reaction.
“I told you before, I knew what I was doing that night. There’s nothing to forgive you for—I was the one who climbed onto your lap for saint’s sake. As for them … I don’t know. Do you truly want to break the bond?”
“No.” He shook his head.
“How long have you known?”
His eyes shifted away. “Always. From the very first day.”
I sucked in a breath. “What?” That truth smacked me across the face, more proof that if I’d been smarter, if he’d said something … the whole tense mess between us could have been avoided.
“I’ll accept if you’re angry with me, but there was no other way.
I wanted you to have time and space to yourself before laying something so heavy on you.
It had to be your discovery, your choice.
It will always be, even now. You should have gotten a say about whether we sealed the bond or not.
Instead, you get to choose whether we keep it.
It isn’t quite the same choice, but it’s yours.
” He swallowed, gathering up the inkpot and quill and setting them aside. “And … I was afraid.”
“Afraid?”
“Forever is a very long time, Phin, particularly for us. I don’t ever want you to regret your decision. Once the bond is sealed, there’s no going back. At least not without severe consequence. Much easier to avoid it than undo it.”
“Why would I regret anything?”
He put his glasses back on. “I can think of several reasons.”
“Such as?” I could see how uncomfortable he was, but I wanted to know why he was so timid about this.
“I’m a mess. Literally and figuratively.
You’ve seen the workshops, the library. I forget half the things I’m supposed to be doing at any given time.
I selfishly seek familiarity. I don’t like to go outside my routine and doing so usually results in me becoming more agitated and less organized.
I live in a place with no sunlight or fresh air—and I very rarely leave.
I have operated here alone for literal centuries.
” He shrugged. “I know of the world, the way of things, but only because I have experienced small glimpses through the doorways. Seir is responsible for much of my knowledge, honestly, and my other brothers to a lesser extent.”
I swallowed, my heart thudding warmly behind my ribs. He was scared. And for once, I was not.
“Well, lucky for us I’m good at organizing.
And you’ve created a very comfortable place to live, the workshops for one, are incredible.
You’re forgetting the very reason you wanted me to come in the first place—it’s safe here.
There’s instant access to anywhere someone could ever want to go if they start to get bored or need to shop or visit somewhere outside of this place.
I know just as little about the world, perhaps less. ”
“Yes, I suppose that’s all true. But what if it’s not enough?” I heard what he hadn’t said. What if he wasn’t enough. My chest squeezed empathetically. I’d been less than enough my whole life.
Despite how hard I’d been ignoring the signs, now that the truth had been spoken I felt nothing but a sense of relief. It made sense to me. We were cut from similar cloth, with just enough variation in the pattern to complement the other.
“When you suggested I come here …”
He shook his head, expression pained. “Not entirely unselfish, but absolutely for your safety. Nothing I said to you or Father Morton that day is untrue. Armaros is not to be trusted.”
I studied him, from his chipped nail lacquer and the ring he spun when he was nervous to the earnest silver eyes behind round wire spectacles.
“I believe you.” He straightened. “Coming here has changed everything about my life. In a good way.”
A smile softened his pensive expression. “I’m very glad to hear that.”
“You would have just dealt with the pain from the unfulfilled bond forever? That’s what it was, right? The burning? The ache.”
“You felt it too?”
“Yes.”
He lifted one shoulder. “It was not my preferred outcome, but yes.”
“But can’t you go mad if you ignore it?”
“Eventually. It would take a very long time, though, and we’re well beyond that point anyhow.” He lifted his eyes and reached for my hand. “Do not make a decision out of guilt, Phin. Those things are irrelevant. If this is not what you want, the alternatives aren’t important.”
“What are these severe consequences? Ophelia wasn’t specific.”
“It doesn’t matter. I would bear the entirety of them. She agreed to that.”
I shook my head, and Tap looked startled when I started to laugh. “So both foolish and stubborn.”
“Sorry?”
“Not just you, but if it applies, do with those labels what you will. They all knew, straightaway. Jacks, and Ramsey both made a point to reassure me that my instinct about you and your family was correct. Everyone essentially gave me their blessing, nudged me in the right direction. I’m the last to figure it out.
To admit it.” Overwhelmed, I pulled blankets and pillows around me as my thoughts crashed into one another, memories and new exclamations of hope colliding.
Having my hands busy helped, so once I was done with the bedding, I rearranged everything so it wouldn’t fall and set the tray of snacks on the floor next to the mattress.
I took a deep breath, summoning my bravery. “Can I have a scroll too?”
“You want me to tattoo you?” His eyes were wide.
“Yes, please.” I held out my arm. “Right here.” I pointed at the inside of my wrist.
“It will hurt.”
I shrugged. “I don’t mind.” He hesitated, then stood. “What’s the matter?”
“I want the other ink. The blue.” Tap strode with purpose from the room and returned a few minutes later much the same way. He took his glasses off again and set them on the low bedside table next to his lamp. Gently, he cradled my wrist in one hand and took up the quill with the other. “Ready?”
“Yes.”
He bent over my wrist, more intently focused on the small design for me than I’d seen him at any point for himself.
The pain of the quill piercing into my skin was sharp and hot but bearable, and it was fascinating to watch the curves take shape under his hand.
He traced the lines twice, then wiped away the droplets of blood and ink with the cloth.
It was perfect. As he released me, I pulled my wrist close so I could admire it. When I glanced up, I gasped.
He was putting the same thing on his wrist.
“Tap.”
“Feather?”
“I don’t know what to say. But that feels …”
“Like a promise. It’s a good start, I think.”
“But you only like black. And you don’t have anything else on that side yet. It will stand out.”
“Good. I want it to.”
I flushed hot. I couldn’t prove it, but in that moment, I was sure we were going to be okay.
When he was finished with his new mark, he moved away all the supplies and held his arm up next to mine.
“I love it.”
His sincere silver eyes bore into mine. “Thank you, Phin.”
I could only nod for a moment, my throat thick as the tears threatened again. I was an emotional disaster, and it was likely to get worse before it got better. He kissed my forehead, and I replied with one on his cheek.
“Would you lie here with me for a while?”
“Yes, of course.” He put out the lamp before lying down stiffly on his back, claiming only a single pillow. I huffed and maneuvered him onto his side, then settled into the pile I’d collected, lying in front of him.
“I feel better when you’re close,” I confessed.
“Me too, Feather.” His warm breath tickled as it blew across the back of my neck.
“I don’t want to break the bond, Tap. But you should be warned—I also don’t know how to be anyone’s mate.”
He rumbled a low chuckle. “Me neither. But I’ve been giving it my best effort. I promise to continue. Though you’ll have to tell me which meals I’ve fallen short with so I can improve. No greens is easy enough to remember, but I need to know the rest.”
I laughed outright, and for the first time in a very long while, I heard a faint resonance in it like I’d had before the incident.
I wanted to be happy about that, but it also scared me.
“Your cooking is fine. More than. You’ve been so wonderful.
Truly. I promise to continue my efforts at balancing out those responsibilities. I’ve never been so spoiled.”
“And I insist that you are anything but.” His fingers brushed along my hip, tracing circles that made my skin tingle. “We’ll figure it out together. There’s no rush to do anything differently. Nothing has to change.”
“Okay.” I could feel him relax behind me, and my body responded in kind. “But what if I want it to? Like this. This is nice.” He made a noise of agreement. “Perhaps we just agree to do things slowly? Like starting over, kind of.”
“Then slow it shall be. You honor me, Phin. Thank you.” His hand splayed across my hipbone, and I covered it with mine. Several beats passed, then Tap said, “Oh. I keep forgetting to tell you. There was actually a stone kin watching the church.”
“I knew it,” I whispered harshly, excitement flooding my veins. “But also, Imogen told me so today. Her brother?”
Tap chuckled and settled more comfortably behind me, his arm over my waist as he pulled my back against his front and rearranged the blanket over us. “Yes, Tormund. He’s a lot like Coltor.”
“You met him?”
“Yes, that day at the church. We had a brief talk.”
“I have so many questions. Will we get to see him at some point, do you think?”
“I imagine so.”
The quiet settled heavily through the room, my eyes harder to open each time I blinked. “Will you stay with me tonight?”
“As you wish. Get some rest.”
With his steady breaths and strong heartbeat as music, I fell into the deepest sleep I’d had in a long time.