Chapter 26
CHAPTER
TWENTY-SIX
DAMON
Driving out to Adeline’s, my gut twists. I’ve had two away games back to back, so I haven’t seen Clover. But this is our new normal, so I might as well get used to it. This is co-parenting now, I guess.
I pull into her driveway and see a sedan already there.
Great, she has company, and I don’t even recognize the car.
That tight feeling in my chest starts up again, and I swallow the feeling down the same way I have every other time I’ve thought about Adeline the past couple weeks. It only hurts if I let it hurt.
Walking up the sidewalk, I see that she has some Christmas decorations up now—garland on the railing of the front porch and a cartoon Santa character plastered to the storm door. I ring the doorbell, and my nerves set in. How will Adeline react when she sees me? Hell, how will I react?
We never talked about what happened after that dinner. I didn’t go home right away, and from what Bryce said, Adeline came in, packed a suitcase, and left with Clover. Bryce currently isn’t talking to me, but it’s none of her damn business.
Adeline opens the door and gives me a cold smile. That fucking smarts, and the tight feeling in my chest is back.
“She’s almost ready to go. You can come in for a minute. I’ll finish packing her a bag.” She heads upstairs, where Clover must be.
I just want to see my daughter and hold her.
I’ve missed her so much. Memories of bringing Clover home from the hospital to here, cooking dinners, the late-night feedings, the pacing back and forth with her in my arms to quiet her down all come rushing back.
Adeline would sit on the stairs in her pajamas, watching me as we’d take shifts trying to soothe her.
“That should be it, Adeline.” Henry comes out of the kitchen with a drill and screwdriver in his hands.
I swallow the lump in my throat. What the hell is he doing here?
“Oh, hey, Damon.”
“Henry.” I nod and push my hands into my pockets so they don’t accidentally strangle him.
The doorbell rings, and I move toward the door, but Henry quickly goes over, setting his tools on the front table, and takes a package from a delivery guy. He moves some of the mail on the table and sets down the package, setting the envelopes on top.
Well, she’s moved on fast.
Henry must see something on my face. “It’s not what you think. I came to apologize for some shit I said when she was pregnant, and she asked if I could help her with some childproof locks in the kitchen.”
I shrug, trying to disguise my relief. “I didn’t ask.”
“Although, I have to say you’re the stupidest man on Earth. What more could you possibly want than Adeline? I mean, I get that you can have any pussy you want out there, but Adeline, man.” He shakes his head. “One day you’ll regret losing her.”
“So you just gunning to slide into my place?” I arch an eyebrow.
He chuckles. “No, she doesn’t want me. But one day, she’ll find some lucky son of a bitch she does.
And you’ll show up like you did tonight to pick up your daughter, having to confront the lucky bastard who gets to be in Adeline’s bed every night.
The guy who gets to hold her and make her feel safe.
The guy who gets to love her—and your daughter.
And you’ll walk out of the house, have a good weekend with your daughter, and when you drop her off, you’ll go back to your empty big condo or mansion, wishing you could turn back time.
” He smacks me on the back. “You’ve got so many people who worship you, but I feel bad for you because to give up Adeline?
” He shakes his head again. “You gave up the best thing you ever had.”
“Thanks for the advice,” I say through clenched teeth. It’s taking every bit of control I have not to deck this guy.
Thankfully, Adeline comes down the stairs, so I don’t have to continue this conversation with this idiot any longer. “I’m sorry, Henry. I just had to finish getting Clover’s things together.”
“No problem. I’m going to put these tools back where I found them in the basement. See you, Damon.” He heads downstairs, but I don’t bother saying goodbye to him. Good riddance is more like it.
Adeline hands me the bag. “Here you go. We just put her in the carrier. Do you want the stroller too?”
“No, I bought double of everything.”
She winces. “Sorry, sounds so final,” she admits.
It does. I just figured this way when we switch, it would be easier. “Sorry.”
“Oh no, it’s easier that way, and you have the means, so… good idea.”
I take her hand. She allows me, but it’s dead weight and limp in mine. “No, I meant I’m sorry for what happened. I wish—”
She shakes her head and takes her hand back. “It’s fine, Damon. I romanticized it. I’ll survive, believe me.”
I would love to talk to her, but I’m not sure what I would even say. Even if I tried being with her, I’d only end up hurting her down the road, and that would be so much worse.
“I’ll grab her so you can go.” She turns and walks back up the stairs.
All I want to do is take Adeline’s hips in my hands, step into her, and smell her, but she’s not mine. She never was, and I need to remember that.
She returns with Clover. “Not sure if you’re doing anything Christmassy with her, but I packed a holiday dress for her. It’s in the bag. I figure you’re just going back to The Den now, so she’s in her pajamas in case she falls asleep in the car.”
I close my eyes at her choice of words for the building. “Thanks.”
“Sure. I think my mom is going to pick her up on Friday while I’m at work and bring her back here. Still have Haze?” Her voice is all wrong. It’s detached and monotone.
“No.”
“Can’t say I’m surprised.”
“Actually, he said he couldn’t afford to only work half the time since she won’t be there every day, so he found another family. There will be a new nanny. She’s older, Mrs. Doubtfire type. Since I won’t have her all the time, it works out.”
She nods. “I’m glad.”
Our eyes catch, and for a second, I want to beg her to come back to the city with me.
“I’ll see you out.” She leans in and kisses Clover. “See you in a few days, sweetie. Have fun with Daddy!”
I don’t miss the false excitement in Adeline’s voice or the tears in her eyes. Probably because she hasn’t been away from Clover like this ever before. I hate that I’m the cause, but this is our new normal. We might as well get used to it.
I take the bag, put Clover in her carrier, and walk out of the house.
Henry must have slunk out the back door because he’s outside, putting something in the trunk of his car.
I stop and lean in when I pass him. “It’s not your fucking house. Go play Mr. Fix-It somewhere else. And no matter how hard you try, she’ll never love you like she did me.”
I’m pissed off and taking it out on a guy who’d probably treat Adeline the way she deserves.
Fuck, Bryce is right. I am a total bastard.
It’s our one day off, and I’m just getting back from the store with Clover. When I get to my apartment, I find two big, annoying football players waiting on my landing for me.
Cooper takes the carrier from me. “I’ll take my goddaughter, thank you.” He reaches in and tickles her, and Clover laughs.
“What are you guys doing here?” I ask as I set down the grocery bag and unlock the door.
“We’re your conscience,” Miles says.
They follow me into the apartment and look around.
“Looks like a baby store threw up in here. Why do you still have some of Adeline’s things out?” Cooper asks, giving Miles a look as he sets down the carrier.
“Yeah, just a heads-up, I’ll probably be moving out of The Den next season. There isn’t enough room for Clover here.” I take her out of her carrier.
Again, the two of them share a look.
Cooper grabs Clover from me, putting her between his legs on the floor and pulling out some of her toys. The man is desperate for me to say he’s her godfather.
“Go ahead, give me the speech. Nothing is going to change.” I sit on my couch.
“How can you still be in denial?” Miles asks, taking the seat across from me. “You’re hurting everyone. You, Adeline, Clover…”
“And fucking Bryce.” I roll my eyes. “Spare me the lecture just so your fiancée can be happy.”
“Shit,” Miles says, sounding exasperated. “He’s already too far gone.”
“It’s a slippery slope,” Cooper says. “We came too late.”
“Shut the fuck up.” I scowl at them both.
Cooper covers Clover’s ears. “Hey now, no using that language around my goddaughter.”
I roll my eyes again. “What do you want me to say? That I love Adeline? I’m incapable of that emotion.”
“Bullshit. You love Adeline,” Miles says.
“I love that little girl.” I point at Clover. “Sure, I cared for Adeline. We had a lot of fun, and I never would’ve thought we’d mesh that well together. She’s awesome, and I’m glad she’s Clover’s mom, but I’m not husband material.”
“Why?” Cooper asks. He’s rarely the serious one, that’s Miles’s role in this friend group, so I’m thrown for a second.
“Why what?”
“Why aren’t you husband material? Because you fucked a bunch of jersey chasers and earned a reputation?
Hello, you’re not alone in that. There’s something you haven’t told us, something that has you giving up everything that matters in your life.
” Cooper puts a block toy in front of Clover, and she stares at him like “who are you?” “I’m your godfather,” he says as if Clover knows the word.
“There’s nothing you don’t know,” I lie because I’m not going to get into the whole Greta thing right now. Even if they knew, it wouldn’t change how I feel.
“Everyone can change,” Miles says. “Look at Lee.”
“Lee was always big on relationships. I’m the one who fucked it up for him with Shayna in college.”
Miles looks up as if he doesn’t remember, then nods, remembering that it was my fault. See? I don’t only ruin my own relationships, I ruin other people’s too. I’m one helluva guy.
“Okay, then, I’m arguing that it was obvious you loved her by the way you looked at her.
There was love there,” Cooper says. “And it’s different than when you look at this little one.
You wanted Adeline to be yours. You enjoyed your little family of three, and you loved it when she felt like yours even if you guys didn’t put a label on it.
Until you did that whole restaurant stunt. ”
I stand up, my frustration boiling over. “I fucking took her to thank her! I didn’t know she’d fallen in love with me.”
“Then you’re fucking blind!” Miles says, standing up too.
“You know what I think? I think Peter Pan doesn’t want to fucking grow up.
You’re not just messing your life up now, Damon.
” He points at Clover. “Look at her. She doesn’t know it now, but what’s going to happen in five, ten, hell, twenty years from now when she grows up and realizes that her dad can’t be intimate with anyone?
And to be clear, when I use the word intimate, I’m not talking about sex. ”
I hold up my hand. “Okay, I get that you’re smarter than me, but I’m not a fucking dumbass. I knew what you meant by intimate.”
“You didn’t know that Adeline was in love with you. How did we all fucking know, but you didn’t?”
Cooper covers Clover’s ears again. “Hello, language. We don’t want her first word to be the f-word.”
“I’m not sure what you want from me?” I throw my arms in the air.
“I want you to look inside and figure out where the block is and do some work on it. Because this guy, this Damon Siska, he’s not anyone I would want to know.
You were the best version of yourself when you were with Adeline.
Your daughter deserves that. You deserve that.
Life is hard enough, but to purposely deny yourself happiness…
I don’t get it.” Miles shakes his head. “I’m sorry, I can’t be here anymore. Ruin your fucking life for all I care.”
“Again, language!” Cooper says.
“Fuck off, Coop!” Miles shouts at him.
The door slams, and Clover’s bottom lip quivers before she cries.
“Damn him.” I pick her up. “It’s okay, baby. It’s okay.”
Cooper stands. “This was all really enlightening. You know he’s only pissed because it’s hard to see someone throw away their happiness.
He fought really hard to get Bryce, and she did a lot of healing to meet him halfway.
” When I don’t say anything, he goes on.
“Just so I know, your goal in life is to die alone?”
I still don’t say anything.
“Cool, then. Don’t worry, I’ll be there to console my goddaughter.”
“Fuck you, Coop.”
“Talk some sense into your daddy. No one wants to die alone.” He runs his hand on her back since she’s still upset. “I’m out.”
He leaves the apartment, and I really wish everyone would just stay the hell out of my business. I know what’s best, and this is it.