Chapter 26
Serenity
I’D HIT MANY DARK MOMENTS in life, and each had a different sort of lasting impact on me.
There was the time when Mom suddenly left Dad’s house and a new lady took her place.
Everyone acted like it was totally normal for Mom to be gone, like that was how it should’ve always been, even though I needed her.
Especially when the new lady began to yell at me, slap me, and act cold when we were alone but smile and act like I was a liar when Dad was near.
It was the first time I’d experienced true loneliness, and that feeling followed me forevermore like a constant shadow.
Then there was the time I learned why my Mom left.
I learned what my dad had done. High school sweethearts and a family together meant nothing to him when he could secretly screw his assistant over his desk at work.
Mom broke after that and was never the same.
None of us were. Mom fled the pain by moving to Japan, which had been a long-forgotten dream of hers.
She found a new life with a new man named Kaito, and while I was thrilled that she’d gotten her happily ever after, I wished I could’ve been a part of it, too.
But I got left behind. So the lonely shadow grew bigger on my back.
The years of bullying from my peers made the weight of the shadow heavier, and eventually, I lost track of where the shadow ended and I began.
When I thought I’d found someone to confide in and be myself around, he turned into a knife of his own.
The judgment Bradley threw my way, the small comments about my weight or looks, the lack of belief in me and my dreams all drove that blade of isolation deeper into my chest.
Somehow, the loneliness and I had combined until it no longer followed me, but rather, it took up residence inside of me, feeding off of all the other dark emotions plaguing me—self-doubt, self-hatred, worthlessness, hopelessness.
The pain woven through me stabbed slowly at my heart, driving the blade in deeper with every jab from my dad and Scarlett, every joke from my peers, every blow from my partner.
Each added to the previous wound and made the cut grow bigger and bigger until there was nowhere for that blade to go anymore.
With the latest blow, the blade went clean through me.
A hole had formed in the center of my chest, and now it bled.
After hearing Dante’s truth, I became a husk of a body who was trying to find its lost soul. Crimson only I could see and feel dribbled down my front from the gaping hole in my chest, making it harder to walk, harder to breathe, harder to feel.
For the first time in my life, I’d found a place I belonged.
I’d found someone who liked and accepted me with all of my quirks and flaws, someone who introduced me to a world better than the one I’d always lived in.
I’d found someone who offered room for me to thrive while figuring out how to accept who I was.
I’d found someone who surrounded himself with real people instead of the fake assholes who just liked making others feel bad about themselves.
I’d found someone who wanted me to love myself the way they did.
But it had all been a lie.
Because I was a joke.
And I was stupid enough to believe that I could be someone special to him.
I thought I was his star.
Turned out, I was just a rock that he’d found in the mud. He’d brushed me off and cleaned my rough edges while whispering promises of being something more, only to toss me back over his shoulder into an even darker pit of muck and tar.
“Serenity!”
I gasped, coming out of my spiraling thoughts. My focus zeroed back in on the coffee I was pouring into my mug at work. I’d zoned out, and the black brew was overflowing from the cup and running along the countertop and to the floor.
I quickly replaced the pot and snatched paper towels to wipe up the hot drink.
Cassidy stomped over, but instead of helping, she crossed her arms and stood over me. “Brainless, much?”
“Sorry,” I mumbled under my breath as I soaked up the coffee.
“I mean, really,” she puffed in an annoyed grumble. “Such a useless waste of space.”
My movements slowed as she left the breakroom, and I just stared at the mess in front of me. I’d cried more times than I could count after this past weekend’s shattering of my world. I had started to think my tears had dried up, yet her icy words hit the mark they always did.
Fresh blood poured from the gaping hole in my chest, and it ran down my front in invisible rivulets to blend with the coffee—evidence of my screw-up.
Tears blurred my vision. I finished cleaning the mess while biting hard on my bottom lip to keep it from trembling. The taste of copper filled my mouth, but even then, I didn’t release my lip. I bit down harder, focusing on that pain in hopes that it would dull the one saturating my insides.
With my appetite for my drink gone, I poured it down the drain and returned to my office. I collapsed into the desk chair and dropped my head into my hands.
I’d gone over everything in my head. I’d asked every question.
What had I done to Dante to make me the target for his joke?
What had I done to make him hate me enough to lie and pretend with me?
Could I have done something differently that would’ve made us real?
What was so wrong with me that everyone equated my worth to a laugh?
“Hey. I’m headed to Addie’s, and I—”
Bradley’s abrupt voice cut off. I didn’t raise my head to meet his gaze. I kept my face in my hands, the weight of it heavy with rampant thoughts of doubt and pain.
Hands rested on my thighs and turned my desk chair to the side. My hands were pulled away from my tear-streaked face, and I was presented with Bradley kneeling in front of me, searching my bleary gaze and bloody lip.
A quiet understanding seemed to fall over him. He whispered, “I told you he’d hurt you.”
I squeezed my eyes shut as fresh tears burned my eyes.
“Shh, shh,” Bradley soothed, brushing his thumb over my cheek. “You knew this was coming. I tried to warn you, didn’t I?”
I sucked in a hard breath and peered through my wet lashes. My voice was a small crack as I whispered, “I thought he might love me, too.”
Bradley sighed and shook his head. “He was a good liar, wasn’t he?”
I tipped my head back and closed my eyes.
I didn’t want to believe it. I’d heard the words from Dante’s own mouth—a joke, a game, nothing—yet I so badly wanted that to be the lie.
I wanted all of the smiles over books, the grazes of skin as he brushed his knuckles softly over my cheek, the whispered words about being his star to be the truth.
Yet here I sat, crying in front of the man I once loved, longing for the man I now did.
Dante hadn’t called or texted with an explanation. He hadn’t popped over to my apartment as a man or a demon to even say sorry.
Silence.
The thing I’d always existed in with sad resolve, the thing I’d come to see as safety with him, now strangled me.
Because that safety was a lie, too.
An amazing, comfortable, heart-shattering lie.
“I love him,” I whimpered pitifully.
Bradley’s grip on my thigh tightened, but the one on my cheek remained soft.
“It sucks when someone you love leaves you. I get it. You did that to me, remember? So I know best what you’re going through.
I know how much it hurts when you did everything right but were still told it wasn’t good enough.
I’m here for you, Serenity. I’ll always be here.
So come back to me now, Dollface. I’m the only one who can give you the love you deserve. ”
I stared into his eyes and let his words drift into the hole in my chest. The dark wound sucked up the words like it was trying to cling to anything that could possibly fill in the crater.
But instead of packing in the opening, it swallowed the words like a void, sending them up to my head with a dark voice.
This is what you deserve.
An empty love like his is what a worthless husk gets.
I closed my eyes and hung my head, surrendering to the haunting voice. Tears rolled down my cheeks, and Bradley pulled me off my chair to hold me in the floor behind my desk.
“I know, I know,” he cooed, rocking me gently. “It’s going to be okay now. I’ve got you, Dollface. I’ve finally got you.”