Chapter 39 #2
A tremble started in my limbs with the memory of those confusing, nightmarish moments. Stupid tears sprung to life behind my glasses. The feelings I’d kept buried within my dirtiest, most secure box rose up with a vengeance until there was nowhere for them to go but out.
“I thought it was a game,” I whimpered with a quivering lip. I shoved my free hand under my glasses to wipe at the onslaught of tears. “I thought it was normal, and I was the weird one for not liking what was happening.”
Xander rolled onto his side and grabbed me to pull me into his arms. He squeezed me hard as I trembled against his chest. Every inch of me crawled as though vile hands were back on me.
A scream and cry fought to get free from my throat at the same time. I clung to Xander harder, even as my hands felt covered in invisible grime. The feeling grew, creeping up my arms and over my body like a skin-tight film slowly encasing me in filth.
“It won’t come off,” I cried against his chest. “No matter what I do, I still feel disgusting. I still hate that stupid little girl who didn’t understand. I hate that little girl who didn’t get to be a little girl. I fucking hate him for what he did and took from me.”
“He’ll never, ever fucking hurt you again, Kendyll,” Xander vowed as he rubbed my back while rolling onto his so that I laid on top of him. “I’ve made sure of it. That sick fuck is … And you—you did nothing wrong, baby. Not a goddamn thing.”
I managed to reign in my crying and get some air back into my lungs to croak, “I know. Logically, I know I’m not the one at fault.
There are people who have told me that things happen for a reason or that I’m stronger for what happened to me.
But that’s such bullshit. Some things don’t happen for any other reason than some fucked up prick decided to prey on an innocent child.
I didn’t ask for or want what happened to me.
But that doesn’t stop these awful feelings and memories. That’s why I run.”
Sniffling, I sat up from where I rested on top of him, shifting so that I straddled him.
I stared down at this demon who’d given me so much.
My first ray of sunshine. My first taste of freedom.
My first friend. My first and only love.
He’d always been the one for me, even when he saw me as nothing more than a weird kid in a closet or a pet fish.
And I wanted to finally give him answers.
“I run,” I whispered, my hand curling into a tight fist with his shirt balled between my fingers, “because if I’m not running, my past will catch up to me.
I run, because staying still means facing what happened.
I have to keep running so the real monster and the memories around him never reach me and ruin the one good thing in my life.
I run before I completely tarnish the way you look at and think of me. ”
Xander sat up, and he gripped my arms tightly. “Kendyll, I—”
“I thought I could stop running,” I cut him off. My teary gaze searched his, and I reached up to cup his cheek. “I thought I could try standing still with you, but running proved to be best. If I had kept running, what happened at Terrance’s wedding …”
“Why?” he agonized, dropping his head onto my shoulder. Even though he spoke aloud, it was like his question was for someone higher than us. “Why does it have to be like this with us?”
“Because this is what we do, Xander. This is who we are. I run. You break promises. I’m a coward, and you’re a liar.”
His face paled as he looked at me, and his dark gaze widened while searching mine. How many was it now?
A promise to come back for me.
A promise to see the lanterns at the Chinese Lantern Festival together.
A promise that he’d be right there next to me and that nothing would happen.
A promise that our story would have a happy ending.
For a while, those lies were what I held onto.
They were reasons to justify why this would never work with us.
My anger and disappointment had ebbed. I looked down at the ghost tattooed on his pinky, a permanent reminder of me that he carried on him every day.
Xander was more than his broken promises.
But a coward truly is all I am, no matter how brave you see me.
Every time I desperately wanted to hold onto him, I ran harder. So like a preset pattern, the minute I wanted to grab him and let him know that I didn’t care about the broken promises anymore, I did the opposite.
I pulled out of his hold and stood, even as my heart felt like it was still on the ground with him in his trembling hands.
I started toward the stairwell leading into the building to get as far away from both the truths revealed on the roof and the man I wanted but had convinced myself I couldn’t have.
I’d just gripped the doorknob when Xander’s fiery voice froze me in place.
“Yeah, that’s right.”
I turned to look back at him. He was no longer lying on the ground but stood facing me. His fists were clenched tightly, and his jaw worked. The exhaustion had faded from his face, replaced by a fierce fury. He started slowly toward me while nodding hard.
“You’re right,” he boomed with quick breaths.
“I break my promises. So I promise to always hate you. I promise to never chase you when you run away. I promise to not care a single second about you.” Having reached me, he snatched my hand and wound our pinkies together before holding them right against his chest while his tormented eyes bored into mine.
“I promise you are nothing to me. So watch me, Kendyll. Watch me break every goddamn promise.”
My heart raced, and my breath came out unsteady. His own beat just as wildly where our joined hands pressed firmly.
“Why?” I demanded in a whisper. “Why do you insist on caring about me when all I do is hurt you?”
“Hurt me?” he laughed humorlessly with a shake of his head.
“Yeah, you fucking hurt me, Kendyll.” He covered our hands with his free one, more gentleness in that one gesture than I’d ever received in my life.
“You repeatedly stab me in the heart with a knife, but I don’t mind as long as you’re the one gripping the handle.
I don’t mind, because you’re my ghost. And I will always—” His voice dropped while his brow creased with some unreadable yet deeply profound emotion “—always be your Mr. Monster.”
The burning longing for this man that I kept locked behind fears and excuses suddenly burst forth, and I just knew, I couldn’t do it anymore.
I’d spent so long running so that Xander could never see all the parts of me that I kept hidden out of shame, hatred, and disgust. I’d spent so long pushing him away so that the dark cloud I carried wouldn’t dim his wonderful light.
But he’d already seen and accepted those ugly parts with loving hands, hadn’t he?
Time and time again, he’d seen me at my worst—panicking from a nightmare of old experiences, freezing up from a reminder of what was done to me, lashing out in the most hurtful way I could in the name of self-preservation.
Not once had he pushed me away. Never had he told me my horror story was too much.
He didn’t look at me in revulsion but with tenderness.
And I was goddamn tired of running from what could make me happy, what could make him happy, what could make us happy.
Sucking in a hard breath, I reached my free hand up to wrap around the back of his head before bringing his face down to mine.
Our lips collided, and I melted into him with a blissful sigh.
He groaned with a similar sound as he kissed me back, releasing our hands over his chest to cup both sides of my jaw, tilting my head back while pressing me hard into the door at my back.
Two starved souls had finally found each other once more.
All the barriers, the problems of the past, the questions about where to go from here, none of it mattered in that moment.
All that mattered was the caress of our lips, our breathless whispers for more, and our roaming hands that couldn’t undress the other fast enough.
“Xander,” I gasped once our naked bodies pressed together. His warm flesh made delirious shivers skate down my back and arms before settling like a hot cinder between my thighs.
He hoisted me into his arms without stopping his slow yet fierce kissing along my mouth, jaw, and neck.
He kissed everywhere he could reach. His hard dick poked at my backside as he walked us to where we’d been before in the middle of the rooftop.
Kneeling with me still in his arms, his thick shaft nestled against my pussy, making me gasp.
I shifted in hopes of getting the tip to my slick entrance.
Xander chuckled against my mouth, tangling his tongue with mine. “Always so eager.”
“Yeah, I am,” I hissed with a shoving of my fingers into the shorter hair on the back of his head. I held his face closer to mine while holding his dark gaze. “I want you, Xander. Inside me. Please.”
His face shuttered, and a hazy look of want fell over him. “Fuck. When you say things like that …”
His palms gripped my ass to lift me enough so that I felt that sweet and familiar fullness prodding right where I wanted it.
I sucked in a sharp, pleased breath as he slowly pushed up with his hips while tugging me down around my waist. I let the inhale out hard against his parted lips, which instantly sought out mine like he wanted to devour every sound and every breath I took.
His grip bit into the roundness of my ass as he guided me up and down where he knelt. I squeezed my knees tighter around his torso as pleasure shocked me in waves. I stared at his face, which was tight with focus and rapture.