Chapter Two
Ella
We set off towards Wunderbar through the dull Glaswegian streets that evening after work.
It was approaching summertime in the city, but the roads were still damp from the usual downpour we received most days.
Katy had been pretty quiet the rest of the day, hardly touching her chicken wrap for lunch, just in case her perfect size-twelve figure was the real reason she got ditched.
I knew it wasn’t. I knew how wonderful, caring, gorgeous and kind she was, but I also knew how dating apps – and the men who used them – wore you down.
After all, I’d been there too. I split from my ex, Joshua, just over three years ago, and he’d been everything to me.
We were inseparable; sometimes, I genuinely thought the cunt could read my mind.
But he wanted kids, and I didn’t. I suppose the older we got and the closer to thirty I became, he thought I’d change my mind and, well, I believed I’d be enough for him.
We broke up just after my twenty-seventh birthday when I reiterated to him after a pregnancy scare that me being a mum was never going to happen.
He insisted he couldn’t imagine his life without children and, honestly, I couldn’t imagine anything worse, so he left.
I was devastated. Completely heartbroken, unhappy and traumatised for years.
I felt like my heart had been ripped out and stabbed a million times over.
And I suppose I always thought he’d come back. Until he didn’t.
After Joshua and I eventually stopped communicating, I joined Tinder, and my confidence took somewhat of a beating when it came to returning to the single life.
Every fucking guy I met was great at the start – funny, charming, handsome – then, slowly but surely they’d start waving their red flags.
From narcissistic dickheads to downright fuckboys, from compulsive liars to scores of secretly married men.
No man in Glasgow seemed to be left who genuinely wanted a monogamous relationship.
And after six months of swiping, I eventually had to delete all of my apps and accept that a life without a man was one I’d happily accept if it meant my mental health stayed intact.
Even when my vagina starts wailing pitifully from my knickers when a gorgeous guy smiles in my direction, I’ll tamp her down and put those longings to the side, because I know life is so much easier without all of that.
Now I spend my time at the gym, going out jogging, or socialising with my friends.
Honestly, I’ve never worked harder or been more career focused.
I’m finally excelling at life, without constantly trying to maintain another person’s happiness.
My life is less complicated, more effortless, better structured and simple now I’m single.
I just wish Katy recognised that her life could be the same.
*
It was just after six when we entered Wunderbar; our favourite place in the city, it had live musicians singing the best pop classics every night and a great lively atmosphere any time of the day.
A group of rowdy students was screaming along to the ultimate Swiftie compilation, so we sat together in the undercover outside seating area to chat properly as it felt a bit less chaotic.
Zola headed to the bar for the first round of drinks, while I squeezed up beside Katy.
‘You OK?’ I asked, noticing Katy check her phone.
She forced a smile. ‘Yeah, I’ll be fine. Another one bites the dust, eh?’ she replied softly, her eyes glazed over in defeat.
‘It’s so shit, Katy. How men think they can treat us so badly and get away with it. You realise what Mark did to you was so cruel, right? He’s fucking out of order.’
‘Yeah, maybe.’ She hesitated. ‘But what if he was just being honest, Ella?’
‘Then be honest, but just after a few dates or whatever. If he felt like the connection wasn’t strong enough for him, then he should have broken it off long before now.
Not go round to your house, have a fucking bath run for him, a dinner bought, tell you he’s focusing on you, then dump you while you’re having actual sex because you’ve caught him messaging other women!
’ I could feel myself getting riled up on my friend’s behalf.
‘Was he going to keep you as an option on the back burner if you hadn’t seen that notification? ’
‘I know.’ She was in a daze, staring into space. ‘It wasn’t nice at all, Ella. Honestly, I curled up crying the whole night.’
I shook my head. ‘I wish you would have called me.’
Katy shrugged. ‘And say what – guess what’s happened again ! It’s pathetic!’
‘He’s the pathetic one, Katy. Not you!’ I insisted.
‘Do you know the really sad thing? I even texted him once he left and apologised for causing the argument. Who does that?!’
‘But you didn’t do anything wrong, Katy.’
‘But our night would have been perfect if I hadn’t seen that notification or just kept my big mouth shut.’
That’s so not true. ‘And he’d have strung you along for months,’ I protested, ‘waiting till your feelings were even stronger and then dropped you. You did the right thing.’
I watched her head drop, still comprehending it all.
Zola returned to the table holding a large tray with an infectious grin on her face. ‘Three vodka Red Bulls, and .?.?.’ Her eyes darted from side to side. ‘ J?gerbombs! ’
I started laughing loudly at the thought of shots on a school night while Katy plunged for the tray, more than ready for the alcohol buzz to dull her emotions.
Zola and I lifted our J?gers into the air.
‘To Katy,’ I said, ‘the baddest bitch in marketing.’
‘Hell, yes!’ Zola replied, smashing her shot into mine.
Katy shook her head, giggling, and together we downed our first shot of the night.
*
Inside the bar, the musicians began playing some old-school classics, as we sipped away at our drinks. It felt nice to be out again; I could feel the mild, fresh Scottish air breeze around us and started to feel excited about the warm summer nights approaching.
‘So, how are we planning on getting revenge on this Mark punk?’ Zola asked.
I laughed and nudged Katy, urging her to plot against him in a bid to lift her spirits. ‘We could key his car? Or start an ugly syphilis rumour?’ I joked.
‘What’s the point?’ she sulked. ‘Let’s face it, he’ll already have moved on to his next victim.’
‘God help her!’ I said, raising my glass in an ironic toast.
‘I just wish there was a way we could warn other women about him. I wish there was like a review segment on Tinder or something.’
Zola chuckled loudly. ‘Could you imagine, though? Decent job, shit dick. Two stars!’
‘But at least you’d know what you were getting.’ I backed up Katy’s suggestion. ‘It makes sense. I wouldn’t invest in something – not even a new pair of leggings – without reading reviews first. Why don’t we do the same for people?’
‘That’s because you’re an over-organised control freak.’ Zola giggled. ‘I can never be bothered to read the reviews.’
‘I think she has a point, Zo. This could be a thing we could pitch to dating apps,’ Katy said, her tone deadly serious, like we were in a work meeting. ‘We could call it “the no more arseholes campaign”?’
‘Babe, it would be overrun by scorned women! It would never work. I’m not saying it would be a bad idea in theory.
I get it, I do. But apps like that make too much money idealising the dream of finding the perfect partner.
They ain’t gonna be promoting a bunch of one-star players with dicks they don’t know how to use – no one would be swiping for them!
’ Zola declared and sat back, sipping on her drink some more.
I knew she was right – who wants to admit their product is a sham?
But surely we weren’t the only women to be affected by two-timing, love-bombing, self-obsessed men who thought they could get away with sleeping with half the town?
I turned to Katy and watched her glare into the bottom of her glass, all the bright and bubbly personality sucked out of her by Mark the Munter.
Suddenly I had a thought.
‘Girls, maybe we should make our own website.’
Katy looked baffled. ‘A dating website? We’ve just agreed that we hate all men, Ella!’
I jerked my head as the light bulbs sparked in my mind. ‘No, more like a rate my date kind of thing. We upload all the men we’ve dated or slept with over the years and give honest reviews.’
‘Well, I’m excluded, obviously.’ Zola flashed her stunning Tiffany & Co. engagement ring in our faces and beamed.
‘Well, yeah, of course you are! But let’s face it, you’d be the brains behind the tech side of things.
We could create a website and upload the usual Tinder suspects, who are always on the bloody prowl.
We would basically date as many men as possible, then review our experiences – good and bad, obviously – to help other women out there. ’
‘So, we date them, then write a review?’ Katy asked, wrapping her head around it all.
‘Exactly! Think about it! We could get other girls to do the same, make it an online community. That way, if they’ve started speaking to a guy and thinking of meeting up, all they do is punch their name into a search bar and voilà , honest reviews on that guy.
A wee bit of a heads-up before they turn psycho, fuckboy or ghost mode. ’
Zola let out a scream of laughter. ‘You are not serious, though, Ella?’
‘I am deadly serious. Look what they’re doing to our friend, Zo. It’s our public duty to expose them, separate the cunts from the cuties!’
I could tell that Katy was swaying, utterly unsure of my master plan.