Chapter Five
Ella
The following afternoon, Katy and I were rounding up some work before breaking for lunch.
Kevin had messaged a couple of times, and I’d replied once to say our coffee date was still on.
I felt quieter today, more in my head at the thought of going on a date, even if it was fake.
It made me anxious just thinking about creating shitty small talk or listening to God-awful cheesy chat-up lines for the first time in years.
I ran over the possible things Kevin could say or want.
What did he expect from this? To see one another again?
To pump and dump? Would he promise me the world to get me into bed and then ghost me the following day?
I’d seen it happen enough times to Katy, after all, and I wasn’t prepared to fall for anyone’s bullshit.
I knew I had to approach this task with detached coldness and have zero emotions despite the compliments that could flood in.
But the very idea of putting myself out there again, straight back into the lion’s den, made me nauseous; I hated the games and ulterior motives. How they all presumed a bit of charm and a well-tamed beard could drop the knickers of any woman in Glasgow. Well, not this fucking one.
I stopped my mind briefly, realising my hands were shaking; I wasn’t sure if it was from nerves or from overall, built-up resentment.
I breathed deeply and then reminded myself this was not an actual date.
This was a project that would ultimately serve the women of Glasgow.
Girls who weren’t necessarily as strong-minded as me.
Girls who perhaps dreamed of having children one day and wanted to enjoy a family life with a decent family man.
Girls like Katy. This project would help them stay clear of the arseholes lurking around the Tinder drain.
It could save them months, if not years, of wasting their lives on some unable-to-commit prick with a below-average-knowledge of how to use his penis for anyone’s pleasure other than his own.
I knew deep down I had to do this. Hunting down these players and exposing the truth was basically a long-overdue act of public service.
I turned to Katy, watching her giggle while secretly messaging her new match, Ali, from under her desk.
He was, allegedly, five ten, lived in Rutherglen and worked in the city centre at Virgin Media.
His photos were the same as most men’s when trying to impress online – partying with friends at the Ho Wong, on holiday in Tenerife, or walking up hills on weekends.
He dressed well in mostly Zara-type outfits, with the odd designer label thrown in here and there, and he seemed to have a matching hat for each of these outfits.
He had a friendly face, though, and from Katy’s laughter, I guessed he was pretty flirty.
She stressed that he insisted ( like they all do ) that he was completely fed up with trying to conduct a decent love life on the apps.
Katy, unlike me, seemed pretty smitten with her new match already.
‘How are you feeling about today, Ella?’ Zola asked me, leaning back in her chair.
‘It’s coffee and then I file a report. I can do that.’ I shrugged it off.
‘And you, Katy?’
Katy was engrossed in her phone. Zola and I looked at one another, and she rolled her eyes.
‘Katy!’ I hissed.
‘Mmmm .?.?. huh?’
‘How are you feeling about your coffee date?’ Zola repeated.
‘Good. I’m looking forward to it, actually.’ She smiled brightly, her dimples showing through, and I watched Zola shake her head.
‘Will we sit together, Ella?’ Katy asked.
I laughed. ‘Maybe it’s best not to. It might give the game away, plus I think you’d distract me,’ I said, giggling at the double-date situation these men were about to unknowingly find themselves in.
‘I am going to love this! It’s going to be so much fun!’ Zola clapped her hands, laughing hard.
‘You?’ I questioned.
‘Uh-huh. You don’t think I’m letting you girls go on the Dicktionary Club’s first mission without me observing the entire thing, do you?
Besides, this poor man probably needs protection from Ella; he has no idea how much of a hater she is!
I’ll grab a table with my iced latte. Hopefully, they’ll have a bucket of popcorn for me, too. ’
I reached over to slap her arm jokingly.
‘I’ll be fine, he’ll be fine. I’m just writing up a basic report at the end of the date! No strings.’ I glanced across to Katy, ‘You should be keeping it professional too, Katy! You’re giggling away there, entertaining this guy. Keep it causal! It’s a one-time coffee date.’
‘Oh, excuse me if I have a little fun along the way. I could meet the man of my dreams on this project, I’ll have you know.’
Both Zola and I let out an exaggerated sigh and slumped back in our chairs.
There was a slight shuffle of movement around us as people got up from their desks, and I turned to the clock: 1 p.m . I glanced back to Katy, who was adding a layer of gloss to her lips.
‘It’s time for our date, biatch! Get your bag!’
*
As Zola, Katy and I headed to Costa, I glanced at my Tinder profile again, studying Kevin’s photographs and ensuring I knew exactly who I was meeting.
OK, he is handsome , I thought. Nerves swarmed my stomach, and my breathing had changed to shorter, shallower breaths.
Why am I nervous? I didn’t want to impress him in the slightest. Maybe it was because I hadn’t had a coffee with a stranger I wasn’t trying to pitch to in years.
Katy, on the other hand, seemed ecstatic.
She was buzzing with energy at the potential of Ali, her latest dream man.
‘OK, I’ll walk in first, place my order, then sit where I have both of you in my eyeline,’ Zola said with a smirk, putting her head down and stepping into the coffee shop.
‘Walk in together?’ Katy asked. I wondered if she could sense my nerves.
‘Sure.’ I smiled, squeezing her waist as she pulled the heavy glass door open.
The coffee shop was bustling with businesspeople and Gen Z crowds snapping photos of their drinks for social media. Katy and I huddled together, observing the lunch-rush crowd.
‘Can you see them?’ I asked, squinting around.
‘I can’t see Ali. He texted to say he was here, though.’
We continued scanning the busy room.
I felt a buzz from my pocket and saw a Tinder notification from Kevin.
Just getting parked will be one minute toots x
‘Kevin’s parking. I should probably grab a seat?’ I shrugged.
‘Wait. Just wait, I can’t see mine,’ she said, her voice quivery with panic. I watched Katy’s pale complexion turn red with stress at the idea she had been ghosted already.
‘Ah, Katy?’ a voice called out. We both turned around to see a small man with an extra-large, extra-glossy bald head smiling cheerfully.
Katy looked at me and back to him. ‘Yeah?’
‘Ali?’ He seemed confused, pointing to his chest. I did a second take as Katy’s mouth fell open.
His head was fucking huge, like monumentally noticeable even in the crowded coffee shop.
It was massive, and to make it worse the sun seemed to catch and reflect its glare like a mirror.
Jesus Christ, I wish I’d brought my Ray-Bans , I thought, adjusting to the brightness.
Poor Ali must have photoshopped his bonce smaller for his photographs or stood ten foot behind his pals in every picture.
Katy stood in absolute disbelief with her mouth wide open, gaping in horror at the gradual realisation that this man was the same person from the photos.
I mean, if you shrunk the noggin or put an extra-large hat on him, I suppose he would be kind of similar – but today, she most definitely got the Temu version.
‘I think you better go,’ I murmured, nudging her.
She nodded, eyes still spanning over Ali’s vast dome.
‘Have fun.’
As Katy followed Ali, I immediately felt more unsettled about the person who would show up for me.
I could hear deep cackles from the corner of the room and, as I turned, I watched Zola with tears streaming down her face, clapping the air in hysterics at Katy’s situation.
I automatically burst out laughing myself.
‘You seem happy?’ a male voice said close by.
I turned to see a handsome, tall man with a beard so sharp it could cut glass.
‘Sorry, yeah, I just saw a friend. How are you?’ I asked.
He leaned in and kissed my cheek.
‘I’m good now, darling.’ He paused, and I watched his dark green eyes scan up and down my body. ‘Well, you are stunning, aren’t you?’ He bit his lip ever so subtly and then let out the smallest purr of delight as he finished ogling my body.
My cheeks blushed, knowing my friends were almost certainly watching and judging our initial interaction.
‘Shall we take a seat?’ He pointed to an empty table directly across from Katy and her date.
‘Sure,’ I replied confidently, briefly making eye contact with a flustered Katy, whose date was rummaging around awkwardly in his wallet, pointing to the large-screen coffee menu.
‘What’s your order? I’ll go grab it,’ Kevin said much more smoothly as I sat down at the table.
‘Oat milk latte, please,’ I said, smiling back as he turned towards the counter.
When both men were away, I giggled at Katy, who held her hands up, still in disbelief at Ali. My phone buzzed.
A new notification from the group chat.
Zola: Hahahahah, this is amazing!
I smirked at my phone, noticing Katy typing furiously across the aisle.
Katy: Oh yep, it’s amazing! Ella is practically on a date with Prince fucking Charming while I am sitting here with Shrek!
Zola: Even Shrek’s head ain’t that big, sweetie xx
I burst out laughing and then looked up cautiously, ensuring my date wasn’t watching me or getting suspicious that anything weird was happening.
Ella: She’s right, babe. Don’t diss Shrek!! Xx
Ella: Mine is handsome but has player written all over him. The way he checked out my body, EWWW! Xx