Chapter Five #2
‘One oat milk latte for the insanely gorgeous Bella,’ Kevin declared, eventually returning to his seat.
‘Thanks,’ I replied, watching Katy’s man clumsily make his way back to their table, banging into chairs along the way.
‘I’m glad I was in front of that guy at the counter, by the way.’ He tilted his shoulder towards Ali. ‘Did you see the size of that heid? No one is clocking the menu from behind that.’
I nodded, suddenly feeling weirdly defensive about Ali. It felt OK when my friends slagged him off, but it somehow irritated me when Kevin did.
‘Stop it, that’s a wee shame!’ I warned him, raising an eyebrow. ‘So, tell me, Kevin, when was the last time you had a date?’ I asked, getting straight to business.
I watched Kevin shuffle slightly in his chair.
‘Oh God, do you know I can’t quite remember, Bella, probably three or maybe four months ago now?
’ I watched him blink a few times as he avoided eye contact, glancing at his coffee and then back to me.
Yip .?.?. I watch too much CSI to know the classic body language of a liar, Kev!
‘Cool.’ I smiled, clocking his every move. ‘So, what brings you to the dating apps now? You’re obviously an attractive man. Why not go out there and meet someone the old-fashioned way?’
Kevin gave me a look. I admit, he seemed genuinely surprised. ‘I could ask you the same question. I mean, you are beautiful.’
With his attempt at flattery, I felt my eyes roll to the back of my head without warning.
‘You don’t think you’re good-looking?’ he asked, catching my eye roll. ‘Because, babe, trust me, you have a great body, smooth long legs. I mean, I can tell you work out with that arse.’
My jaw dropped open.
‘Oh yes , don’t act like you weren’t adding a little wiggle for Big Kev when you strutted over here.’ Kevin tapped his fingers on the table and smirked.
Indeed, I was not! And Big Kev, Big Kev? Who even refers to themselves in the third person like that after high school?
My fuckboy senses were tingling, alarm bells ringing in my brain. This was precisely the type of man we women should avoid. I just had to dig a bit more to prove it.
‘Oh damn, looks like you caught me.’ I laughed loudly, struggling to hide my disgust. ‘So, you liked what you saw?’ I leaned in as sexily as possible, allowing him to inhale my favourite Chanel scent.
‘Jesus Christ.’ His eyes popped open like a cartoon character’s at the prospect of chatting about my arse after the first five minutes. ‘I did, darling, and I’d like to see a lot more of it.’ He matched my body language, leaning over the table.
‘Play your cards right, and you might .?.?. at some point. I’m a lady.’ I smirked and sat back in my chair.
God, this was too easy , I thought.
‘So, you’re up for meeting up again? Maybe a bottle of wine at mine?’ he asked ever so casually.
‘At yours?’ I repeated, trying not to choke on my latte.
‘I mean, we could get to know each other better, with no distractions, just me, you and that sexy strut of yours. I like a lady – outside of the house. And I like a naughty little girl inside.’ His voice was deeper now; he was trying sooo hard to be sexy, seductive.
I felt my face twist. What a creepy cunt. But I took a breath and hid it well. ‘ Mmmm .?.?. I’ll think about it,’ I replied, taking a large gulp of my drink.
‘OK, fair enough,’ Kevin said, sliding back into his chair, his smooth, bulging arms resting effortlessly on the table. ‘It’s better than a no, I suppose.’
‘Tell me more about you, Kevin. I don’t like jumping straight into things here, be gentle with me.
Let’s chat about our lives.’ I took another sip of my drink, grateful for it hiding me a little, as my face reddened with the chat.
I was keen to gather as much background information for a fully detailed report.
His eyebrows lifted. ‘Be gentle with you? Cheeky girl.’ He smirked as if I’d intended the phrase sexily. ‘I can be gentle with you all right!’
I stared back, unimpressed.
Kevin huffed. ‘Right. Well, what you wanna know? My star sign? Like every other girl.’ He laughed and took a swig of his coffee.
What a prick , I thought, but he’s definitely a Scorpio!
‘No, about your work, your goals, your last serious relationship, anything and everything,’ I replied.
‘Oh, well, I work at the bank; I think I told you that,’ he began.
Yes, you did, Kevin, but you’re obviously chatting with so many other women you can’t remember who you’ve told what .
‘And my goal is to work hard, play harder.’ He winked cheekily, which made my oat milk curdle in my stomach. ‘And you do not want to hear about my ex.’ He shook his head wildly. ‘When I say psycho, I mean off the charts. Baby Reindeer Martha style!’
The alarm bells in my head rang louder as I nodded innocently, pretending to be shocked. I couldn’t imagine any girl wanting to stalk this fanny.
‘Why, what made her so bad?’ I asked.
‘She installed a tracker device in my fucking car! And would log into my Ring doorbell to see who was coming around my place.’
Genius move , I thought.
‘And who was coming around your house?’ I asked curiously, still sipping my drink, intrigued by his slip-up.
‘You know, my mates and that.’ He seemed flustered. ‘She’s a fucking loony!’
I hummed and nodded quietly.
‘She still texts me now, you know. All this stuff about how she can’t eat because she’s so depressed.
I just reply and say a few pounds off won’t do you any harm, love.
Know what I mean?’ He laughed, thinking I’d join in, but I could feel my blood boil.
‘She’s not got a body like yours, if you get me. ’
I was stunned, appalled and furious. I didn’t know whether to call him out, make a scene, or just bide my time, not wanting to blow my cover. I needed to get all the revenge I could for this poor girl via the Dicktionary Club.
I zoned out as Kevin continued waffling on about his ex and focused in on Katy’s conversation.
She seemed to be nodding away at everything her man was saying, and I couldn’t help but wonder if Ali was as much of a narcissistic cunt as so-called Big Kev.
Fuck it, I’d much rather be dealing with someone with a head like an elephant’s arse than this prick.
*
‘So, what do you again?’ Katy asked Ali, while pulling a face towards me, summoning me for help.
‘Well, I’m head of recruitment, so you know how that is. Busy, busy workload. And yourself?’
I noticed Katy’s eyes expand widely at the word ‘head’ and I covered my mouth to hide my amusement while Kevin continued to talk at me.
‘Erm .?.?. marketing and advertising. It’s stressful, but good. I enjoy it.’
‘Great! You have to work hard to get ahead in that industry.’
Katy started gulping down her drink, trying to distract herself so as not to laugh.
‘Mmmm .?.?.’ she eventually managed to say. ‘Yeah, absolutely! My boss can be hard work though, she honestly bit my head off last wee .?.?. Oh God, I’m .?.?.’ She was sweating profusely staring at the shiny wall of skin facing her.
‘Carry on?’ he said, seemingly completely unaware.
*
‘Do you get me, Bella?’ Kevin followed up, and I forced myself to snap back to him.
‘Yeah, God. Sounds mad!’ I replied, scanning my watch for the time.
‘You need to go back to work, don’t you?’ I looked at his self-important face and realised that he seemed genuinely sad.
I pretended to pout. ‘I do, and so do you! This was fun, though.’
‘Aye, definitely. You’re my cup of tea, sweetheart. And once I got past that arse, we found out all about each other. We’re practically best mates now, eh?’
I laughed too hard for it to be believable, realising that he hadn’t asked me one question about myself this whole time. I stood up, and he joined me.
‘Well, thanks for the latte.’ I smiled, putting my hand out.
‘Er .?.?. you’re welcome, Bella.’ He reluctantly shook my hand, as if confused by my formalities.
We both went to walk out together, but then I paused.
‘Actually, I’m gonna nip to the bathroom first. I’ll speak to you soon,’ I said and cut in front of him, so I didn’t have to spend more time than necessary in his company.
I entered the bathroom and stood at the sink, staring at my reflection for a few minutes. Well, you’re not missing out on the dating life, Ella , I told myself.
Zola: The coast is clear. I’m outside x
I headed back through the café, noticing Katy standing up and politely hugging her date, then I stepped outside into the fresh air to meet Zola.
‘Well .?.?. how was it? He was fit!’ she said, impressed at my pick of suitors.
‘It was awful. He was a complete narcissist, slagging off his ex and saying how she needed to lose weight! He was even making comments about my arse.’
‘ Your arse!’ She seemed totally shocked at that.
‘Yes, my arse!’ I slapped her arm. ‘I told you guys love my arse.’
‘Wow, imagine if he saw mine!’ She bent over and gave a little twerk, and we both burst out laughing. ‘Oh, here she comes.’
Katy suddenly emerged from the coffee shop and started sprinting towards us like Usain Bolt gunning for gold. We linked arms with her and began walking away as quickly as we could so as not to get spotted by any of our dates.
‘I was catfished!’ Katy panted. ‘Totally fucking catfished!’ She brought out her phone, clicked on her Tinder app and began scrolling through pictures of Ali. ‘I was one hundred per cent catfished, look!’
‘No, Katy, you were hat-fished!’ I started chuckling at my own smart-arse joke and pointed out every picture in which her date conveniently concealed his head or cropped its true size from the photographs.
‘Yeah, you have been totally hat-fished, love! How the fuck is he fitting into those hats, though?’ Zola grabbed her phone, examining the images, still in disbelief.
‘Custom-made, I’m guessing! Maybe he was prescribed them on the NHS,’ I added.
‘I feel violated!’ Katy cried. ‘I had to sit there staring at his glossy, sweaty head. I was staring at him, taking it all in, when I realised .?.?. he’s the real-life Humpty Dumpty!’
Zola and I burst out laughing. I felt tears stream from my eyes at my friend’s bad dating luck.
‘I thought I liked him, too,’ she said more quietly.
I tutted in disapproval. ‘I know you did. But this is work, Katy. It’s our business venture, remember? There can be no feelings involved. Detach yourself, like I do!’
‘Like I do.’ Zola mimicked my voice. ‘Yeah, OK, babe. There’s no need to get big-headed about it!’
We both erupted into laughter again as Katy walked beside us, looking sombre.
‘Oh, come on, babe, that was good!’ Zola shoved her shoulder playfully.
‘I thought he was my dream man, Zo,’ Katy whimpered sadly.
‘He’s a sniper’s dream man, more like!’ Zola almost spat at her own joke as I wrapped my arm around Katy, trying to comfort her.
‘Well, if it makes you feel any better, my date was an utter prick. I probably .?.?. no , I most definitely hate him.’