Chapter Thirty-Two #2
Zola and Katy shared a curious look with one another.
‘A wonderfully huge mistake?’ Katy giggled.
‘Yeah, right?’ Zola turned to Katy in agreement.
‘Look, don’t shoot the messenger here, Ella?
But I sort of think this is exciting. You’ve just had great sex.
Come on! You’re a young single woman! Embrace it!
’ Zola shrieked. ‘You don’t have to feel agitated or embarrassed.
He might be just what you need in your life right now. ’
‘Philip is a walking headache,’ I replied bluntly.
‘Well, have you even considered the possibility that he could be more? A boyfriend? A fuckbuddy? Or just a fucking friend even? You two obviously have a great connection! Sex like that only happens when you’re really connected with each other.
Why throw it away so early on?’ Zola continued to press me.
‘Yeah, I don’t know. Ella, we love you, but maybe Zola’s right? You don’t take risks or chances in relationships. Not since Josh, anyway.’
My eyes closed just hearing his name again.
‘Oh God! What if Philip is the one, and you’ve just patched him for no reason?’ Katy was panicking, getting wrapped up in one of her wildly romantic fantasies.
I watched my jaw hang open on the camera. ‘Oh, I have my reasons!’
Zola hummed, unimpressed. ‘ Mmmmhum .?.?. like what?’
My neck turned blotchy with the interrogation. ‘He’s a player!’
‘We don’t know that, Ella,’ Katy shouted like she was trying to get through to a child who wasn’t listening.
‘Look, this is ultimately your decision, babe, and we’ll support you no matter what, but we don’t want you to look back on this with regret, OK? Joshua hurt you, and you survived. Look at you! But just because he hurt you, it doesn’t mean every other man will.’ Zola sounded gentler this time.
I nodded, feeling drained by the emotional intensity of it all. ‘I better go, guys. Honestly, thank you, but I feel like I need to lie down.’
‘Have a sleep, get a bath, and come round later, eh? We’ll talk more then?’ Katy smiled warmly down the phone, as if that was her way of apologising after her outburst.
‘Yeah, maybe.’
‘The website is looking great, by the way,’ Zola said.
I smiled back. ‘That’s good,’ I said, but I felt too distracted to care about that the Dicktionary Club. ‘Look, I’ll call you guys soon.’
‘OK, babe,’ Zola said.
‘Bye, El, we love you!’ Katy added, blowing kisses at me.
I hung up the call and held my head in my hands. I had done the right thing for myself by telling Philip nothing more would happen between us. I knew it, but why couldn’t I shake this feeling that was rattling me so much?
*
The following morning, I seemed to feel worse. Not even an onslaught of housework was lifting the guilt. I spent the morning washing out my fridge, the oven and steeped all my appliances, but that feeling of irritability still seemed to linger.
Around two, the door buzzer rang in my flat. I popped down my glass cleaner and headed to the intercom, half expecting another one of Alexander’s exhibition packages getting delivered.
‘Hello?’
‘So, I felt a little awkward at how we left things yesterday, and then I realised you left something in my car. I wasn’t sure if I should post it or not,’ Philip’s husky voice said.
‘How did you know what door buzzer I was?’ I replied, wondering what I could have left.
‘I tried them all.’ He laughed a little, and I smiled. ‘Do you want me to return this or not?’
I paused, my hand hovering over the button to let him in, then pressed it.
I opened the flat door and paced my living room.
Quickly, I dusted off my leggings, noticing little sprinkles of dust gather at my knees from cleaning, but I stopped as I heard Philip’s steps getting closer.
Suddenly, he was standing in my doorway.
‘Great place,’ he said, admiring the open-plan living room and kitchen area.
‘Not a hoarder!’ I tittered awkwardly. ‘As you can see.’
‘So, I wanted to return this,’ he said, holding out one single kirby.
‘A kirby grip?’ I said, my face screwed up in astonishment.
‘Yes, it must have fallen out of your bag or hair or something. I wasn’t sure if you needed it back or .?.?.’
‘You offered to post a kirby?’
He looked a little uncomfortable as he walked up to me. ‘Yes. I suppose I did.’
I nodded. ‘Well, thanks.’
‘And I wanted to say one more thing, Pilates. Look, I don’t know what you think of me or men in general, but what I wanted to say was .?.?. Friday night felt different. Special even. For me, anyway. And trust me, I don’t often feel that way.’
I lowered my head to the ground. I was silent.
‘Well, that’s all I wanted you to know,’ he said into the silence.
He turned back, heading towards the door.
‘Uggh , it felt special for me, too, OK?’ I said, finally allowing myself to look up.
He turned to face me, looking surprised. ‘It did?’
‘Yes! I don’t do that, you know I don’t!’ My cheeks were heating up again as I took in his tallness, his perfect skin. ‘I just feel uncomfortable with emotions and I don’t like to get carried away.’
Philip held his hands up. ‘Well, what the fuck are we doing?’
‘What do you mean?’ I asked.
He rubbed his face, looking frustrated, then his eyes locked with mine. ‘Why are you pushing me away before it’s even begun?’
I raised a shoulder. ‘I .?.?. I don’t know.
’ I could feel my face damp with streaming tears.
Jesus Christ, what the fuck was going on?
I hadn’t cried in years, and all of a sudden being around this man I was Tiny fucking Tears, Glasgow Edition.
‘And also, I don’t know why I’m crying again. Fucking hell.’
Philip’s shoulders relaxed and his face softened as he watched me. He slowly approached me and held both my hands.
‘I think .?.?.’ I blubbed, then cleared my throat and tried again.
‘The problem is, if I am brutally honest, I think I do like you,’ I admitted.
‘But I’m so used to being alone, and this feels strange for me.
’ I threw my hands up, trying to comprehend my own emotions.
‘I suppose I really don’t want to get hurt here. ’
Philip smiled. ‘I understand, but I don’t want to hurt you.’
I bit my lip, feeling my insecurities about him rise to the surface. ‘I don’t know if I can trust you. I get this feeling you’re a massive player and that’s the kind of guy I avoid like the plague. You have the patter, the clothes and lots of beautiful women phone you all the time, right?’
‘Huh?’ He cast his mind back.
‘Amelia?’ I confirmed.
Philip let out a laugh. ‘Who you’ve met, she’s my personal assistant and happens to be my goddaughter, too?’
Shit.
‘Well, there was someone else too. When we were at Kelvingrove .?.?.’ I held my head, trying to remember.
‘Sienna?’ Philip questioned. ‘My sister.’
I felt my shoulders drop in defeat and embarrassment. ‘Right. OK. Sorry. But even the way you act. How you said you’ve been tested for STIs and .?.?.’
‘I have had sex before, but I’m not a player. I was being as honest as I could be with you, Ella.’
‘Look, I’m sorry. I find it hard to trust and .?.?.’
He leaned forward and hugged me tightly.
I could hear his heart thumping as my ear pressed hard into his chest. It felt bizarre to be genuinely comforted by someone other than my friends.
My panicked mind was slowing down, allowing him to hold me.
It didn’t seem like he had an ulterior motive; he cared.
Philip was warm and kind and, despite witnessing several of my absurd meltdowns already, he still seemed to want to be here.
I felt like he was one of the very few people who knew me – the real me.
‘I think I do want to try,’ I whispered.
‘Pardon?’ Philip said; I could feel his voice resonate in his chest.
I glanced up at his face, both of us smirking a little. ‘I mean, I’d be willing to give this dating thing a shot. With you, I mean.’
He gave me the widest grin.
‘If you still want to?’ I added.
Philip rolled his eyes back briefly as if thinking, then burst out laughing. He began kissing my face all over.
‘Oh, Pilates.’ He took my face in his hands. ‘Of course I fucking do!’