Chapter 12 #5
Why hadn’t she come home? he fretted, getting up and fingering the jumble on her dressing-table, picking up necklaces, opening bottles of perfume and breathing in the fragrance.
He picked up a photograph that was propped against a jewellery box, smiling at the picture of Kate and Freddie mugging drunkenly for the camera at a New Year’s Eve party.
As he was putting it back, another, slotted into the mirror frame, caught his eye – a picture of her and Brian holding hands and beaming at each other.
Where the hell was she? he thought, scowling at it.
He sat down on the bed again, flopping back against the pillows, drawing comfort from the thought that Kate had lain there too and wishing she was with him now. Then, too exhausted even to think any more, he undressed and crawled under the duvet.
When Freddie looked in on his way to bed, Will was out cold.
‘Oh, look,’ he said dotingly, beckoning Ken to the open doorway.
‘So peaceful, isn’t he?’ he whispered as Ken came to stand with him, putting an arm around his shoulders.
‘Poor bloke! He’s really been through the mill.’
They stood for a moment, watching Will sleep.
‘This must be what it’s like having a child,’ Freddie muttered. ‘Maybe we should adopt.’
‘Maybe we should.’ Ken squeezed his shoulder. ‘You’d make a great parent.’
‘Do you really think so?’ Freddie’s face lit up.
‘Absolutely. You were terrific with him tonight.’
Freddie sighed happily and turned back to Will.
‘Freddie?’ Ken murmured, when he showed no sign of moving.
‘Mmm?’ Freddie said distractedly.
‘You do know we can’t adopt him?’
‘I guess so.’ Freddie sighed regretfully. ‘Though he is an orphan now,’ he pointed out hopefully.
‘Too old.’
‘It’s so unfair! Everyone wants babies – the older orphans always get left.’
‘Come on, Freddie. Let’s go to bed.’
* * *
While Will slept in her bed, Kate lay awake in a narrow single bed at the Shanti Centre. Her mind was racing and every muscle in her body twitched.
She had arrived at the centre in the lush Wicklow countryside earlier in the day by taxi. As she pushed open the unlocked front door, the familiar smell of incense assaulted her nostrils. She had made her way straight to the reception area to ask for Brian.
‘Are you here for the Relationship Detox Weekend?’ the moon-faced girl behind the desk had asked. She spoke so quietly and smiled so inanely, like some kind of airhead Stepford woman, that Kate had wanted to slap her.
‘No, I just need to see Brian. I’m a… friend of his.’
‘Well, he’s in a session at the moment so I can’t disturb him. They’ll be taking a break at twelve. You could talk to him then.’
She was ushered to a comfy sitting room and kicked her heels for almost an hour.
Finally, at twelve, she heard a door open, and the house was filled with hushed chatter.
Across the hall, people streamed out of a room in socks or bare feet, whispering to each other as they donned shoes and spilled out into the sunshine.
Through the window she saw Brian surrounded by a group of admirers.
She wasn’t surprised to see that Suzanne, Brian’s most die-hard fan, was among them.
Going outside, she caught his eye. He looked surprised to see her – more than surprised, actually.
Almost… panicked? He muttered something to the group around him, then darted to Kate and pulled her behind a tree.
‘Kate! This is a nice surprise!’
‘Is it?’ she asked.
‘Of course!’
He did look pleased to see her now – though she couldn’t help wondering why they were behind a tree. ‘I need to talk to you, Brian.’
‘Well, this isn’t a good time. I’m working.’
‘What time do you finish?’
‘It’s not exactly a nine-to-five thing,’ he said pompously. ‘It’s a bit more full-on than that. Look, why don’t you stay?’
‘Oh, I don’t think—’
‘We’re going to have a sweat lodge tonight,’ he said persuasively.
‘You know they aren’t really my thing.’
‘Oh, it’ll be good for you. Besides, you’ve come all this way, you might as well make the most of it. You never know, you might enjoy it.’
Kate knew she wouldn’t. Dehydrating in a homemade tepee with a bunch of hippies was never going to be her idea of a good time. ‘I need to talk to you in private. Couldn’t you get away for an hour?’
‘Sorry.’ Brian looked anything but. ‘I’m the facilitator. I need to be available to these people for the whole weekend. They’ve invested a lot in coming here.’
Kate discovered just how much they had invested in being there when Brian, refusing to take no for an answer, frogmarched her to Reception and announced to the moon-faced girl that Kate would be staying for the weekend and needed a room.
Then he drifted off, leaving them to make the arrangements.
The girl consulted her computer. ‘I’ve only got a dorm room left,’ she said, smiling ethereally. ‘You’ll be sharing with three others.’
‘Okay,’ Kate felt trapped and resentful.
‘It’s a beautiful room,’ the girl said cheerfully, ‘right at the front of the house. It has a lovely energy. In the morning, the sun pours in.’
‘Lovely.’ Kate dredged up a smile, feeling churlish.
Moon-Face tapped away at her computer again. ‘That will be three hundred euro,’ she said, favouring Kate with a particularly beatific smile.
‘What? Um… you do know I’m only staying the one night?’
‘That includes all your meals and the workshop,’ the girl explained. ‘I know you missed this morning, but I’m afraid I can’t give you a discount.’
‘Oh no, I’m just visiting,’ Kate explained, relieved that there had been a mistake. ‘I’m not doing the workshop.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Moon-Face said kindly, ‘but we don’t allow visitors during a workshop. We feel it’s not fair to the participants.’
‘Oh! I won’t bother them, I promise. You won’t even know I’m here. And I won’t listen in and try to pick up free tips or anything.’
Moon-Face seemed a little put out but managed to maintain the holier-than-thou smile – just.
‘Problems?’ Brian asked, coming back.
‘She says I can’t stay unless I do the workshop,’ Kate whispered.
‘That’s right,’ Brian said. ‘No spectators, right, Sheila?’
‘Right, Brian!’ she said matily.
Kate wanted to hit them both.
‘So, that will be three hundred euro,’ Sheila said smugly.
She didn’t seem so otherworldly when she zapped Kate’s credit card.
‘I know it’s expensive, but I’m worth it,’ Brian said, giving Kate’s shoulder a squeeze. ‘I’ll see you later, okay?’
She nodded.
‘He is worth it,’ Sheila said admiringly. ‘Have you been with Brian before?’
‘Um… yes,’ Kate replied.
‘Marvellous, isn’t he?’
‘Brilliant.’ Kate was sorry now that she hadn’t broken up with him behind the tree. It would certainly have been cheaper.
‘You have a group session with Brian at four. Dinner is usually at six, but we’re fasting tonight in preparation.’
Kate had to bite her lip to refrain from asking acidly if tonight’s non-existent dinner was one of the meals included in the three-hundred euro.
‘We’re going to do a sweat lodge tonight!’ Sheila squealed.
Kate wanted to cry.
* * *
In the free time that was normally taken up by dinner, Brian pulled her aside. ‘I’m sorry we can’t share a room,’ he said.
‘Oh, that’s fine!’ Kate was relieved she wouldn’t have to spend the night fending him off and trying to find excuses for why she didn’t want sex.
‘Listen, could you not let anyone know we’re together?’ Brian asked, looking a bit shifty.
‘Okay,’ Kate said dubiously.
‘It’s just that I feel it wouldn’t be fair to the group. It’s my responsibility to be 100 per cent available to them, and if they knew we were in a relationship, they might feel that wasn’t the case.’
‘Fine, no problem,’ Kate said. What a load of bollocks, she thought. Still, at least maybe it explained why he had dragged her behind a tree earlier to talk.
‘Great! I’m glad you decided to stay and give it a go,’ he said, patronisingly. ‘I’m sure you’ll get something out of it.’
He thinks I’m buying into all this. He doesn’t know me at all, Kate thought.
‘And I have lots to tell you tomorrow. I’ve finally become macrobiotic!’ he announced.
‘Oh!’
‘I’ve been meaning to do it for ages, and with you away, not trying to lure me out for pizzas and the like, it seemed like a good time to do it. I feel so much better already.’
‘Fantastic!’
Glimpsing her life as it would be if she married Brian – cutting his vegetables into yin and yang shapes, trying not to transmit seething resentment into the food she cooked and contaminate it with ill will – Kate knew she had made the right decision.
* * *
The sweat lodge was a nightmare. The group were really psyched up about it and kept asking Kate if she had ever been in a sweat lodge before.
When Suzanne asked if she had ever ‘experienced a sweat’, she replied disingenuously that there was a sauna at her gym.
Suzanne smiled at her pityingly, which Kate supposed was as close as she ever came to rolling her eyes.
At dusk, they trooped out into the grounds to the fetid little tepee, fashioned from branches and twigs, and covered with grungy blankets.
After cleansing their auras by smudging themselves with burning sage, the group crawled into the tiny tent and sat cross-legged around a pit in the centre.
Brian was the master of ceremonies, heaping hot rocks into the pit, leading incantations and chanting.
He was in his element, in full-on shaman mode, like some wannabe Sitting Bull.
Come off it! Kate screamed at him in her head.
You’re not a fucking Native American. Your father’s a chartered accountant. You grew up in a semi-d in Terenure.
The group seemed to be entering into the spirit of the thing, willing themselves to have a spiritual experience.
All Kate was experiencing was extreme discomfort.
The intense heat left her gasping for breath, and the ceiling was so low that she had to hunch her head and shoulders so that her neck ached as the ceremony dragged on.
She was almost dizzy with hunger, having barely eaten all day.
She wondered irritably how on earth this was supposed to improve your relationships – she was ready to kill someone.
Tired, hungry and irritated, she longed for bed.
* * *
But now that she was in bed, she couldn’t sleep.
She was too wound up. Her three roommates were snoring their heads off, which at least had given her the opportunity to send Freddie a furtive text message from under the blankets, letting him know she wouldn’t be home.
Earlier, when she had whipped out her mobile in Reception, Moon-Face had acted as if she’d produced a hand grenade and was intent on blowing them all into oblivion.
Brian had joined in, telling her that mobiles were strictly forbidden.
Giving up on sleep, she decided to go downstairs and read for a while. She crept out of the room, pulling the door closed softly so as not to wake the others. As she stepped out onto the landing, she heard two voices, one male, one female, on the landing above. They were speaking in a low murmur.
‘I wish you could make everyone else go away,’ the girl whispered. There was something distinctly intimate in her tone.
‘You know I can’t do that.’
Recognising Brian’s voice, Kate froze.
‘I just want to be with you.’ The girl sighed.
‘I want to be with you too.’
There were silences between their exchanges that Kate knew instinctively were filled with kisses. She could picture how Brian would be holding the mystery girl, stroking her face, gazing into her eyes. There was a long silence, punctuated by a lot of heavy breathing.
‘I want you so much!’ Brian groaned.
‘I could come to your room,’ the girl said urgently.
‘I don’t want anyone else in the group to know we’re together. It wouldn’t be fair on them.’
‘Don’t worry. I’ll leave before morning. I’m just buzzing and I know I can’t sleep. I guess I’m still on a high from the sweat lodge. I had such an amazing experience in there.’
‘I can tell. You have an incredible energy right now.’
‘And I want to share it with you!’ the girl squeaked.
This was followed by more panting and groaning.
‘Okay, let’s go to my room,’ Brian said breathily.
Hearing them move, Kate darted back into her room and stood behind the closed door like a burglar fearing discovery.
She was in shock, her legs wobbly, her heart pounding.
She couldn’t believe what she had heard.
And yet, in a way, deep down, she felt she had known this about Brian all along.
It wasn’t even as if it was the first time she had caught him: there had been Suzanne when they’d been on a so-called break and there had been that girl at Tom and Rachel’s wedding.
She stood at the door for what seemed like an age.
Finally rousing herself, she crept back to bed.
She knew that in the circumstances it was irrational to feel betrayed, but she did.
After all, Brian didn’t know that she intended to break up with him.
As far as he was concerned, they were engaged – which meant he should be faithful to her.
She felt ridiculously hurt, and furious with him – not only for cheating, but for cutting the rug from under her.
She knew now, as certainly as if he had told her, that he’d never been faithful.
She remembered the adoring faces of the girls in the sweat lodge tonight and it suddenly hit her that he had slept with every one of them.
Bastard! She longed to run out and confront him now. She had been too taken aback to react immediately, and now it was too late – he’d be plugged into the ‘incredible energy’ of his latest conquest. Twitchier than ever, she waited for morning.