Chapter 13
At breakfast, Kate managed to identify the girl she had heard with Brian last night.
She recognised her lilting Cork accent and noticed the significant eye-meet they exchanged when they thought no one was looking.
Poor sap! she thought, noting the girl’s flushed, eager face as she chatted to him.
Her name was Liz – a petite, bony wisp of a thing, with pale, freckled skin and masses of uncontrollable frizzy auburn hair.
She was quite attractive in an offbeat way, Kate mused, dispassionately.
Strangely, she felt no animosity towards her.
If she felt anything, it was pity as another victim of Brian’s hollow charm.
Armed with the evidence of his infidelity, she tried to confront him after breakfast, but without success. He was bombarded by members of the group, vying for his attention, and fobbed her off again. ‘Kate, I know you want to talk, but I can’t give you my full attention right now.’
‘Well, you wouldn’t want anyone here to think you weren’t available to them,’ she said waspishly. But her sarcasm was lost on him.
‘Just wait until this weekend is over and I’ll be able to focus on what you have to say,’ he continued. ‘In the meantime, try to be in the now. If you engage in this process, you’ll get a lot out of it.’
‘Fine,’ she said, fuming at his unmitigated gall.
‘Don’t sulk.’ He smiled. Then, pulling her aside, he said in a low voice, ‘I’ve missed you so much this summer.
Believe me, there’s nothing I’d like more than to make all these people disappear and be alone with you.
’ Touching her cheek lightly with a finger, he shot her an intimate, seductive look.
Kate marvelled at what a good liar he was. He still looked at her as if he adored her. He had always made her feel special, but she knew now that it was nothing to do with her. It was just a trick, and the next moment he would be using it on someone else.
Left with no choice, she joined the rest of the group for the morning session.
There was a hushed atmosphere as they removed their shoes outside the door, padded into the room barefoot and sat cross-legged in a circle on the carpet.
Kate felt certain that her flash of insight yesterday had been right: somehow she knew that Brian had slept with practically every female in the room. And she didn’t care any more.
Brian kicked off by asking them how they had felt about last night, which prompted several of them to ‘share’ their sweat-lodge experience.
‘I felt like the veil was lifted and I suddenly saw everything as it really is,’ Suzanne gushed. ‘It was only for a moment – just a glimpse – but it was really special.’ She gave a smile of spiritual rapture.
‘Great.’ Brian nodded encouragingly at her. ‘How about you, Kate?’ he asked quietly. ‘How did you feel about last night?’
‘Yep, pretty much the same,’ she nodded at Suzanne. ‘Veil lifting, seeing things as they really are. Last night was a bit of a revelation for me.’
‘Really?’ Brian said, obviously surprised that she was opening up to all this.
‘Oh yes, it was very enlightening. I had a bit of an epiphany, actually,’ she said meaningfully, eyeballing him.
‘Good, good.’ He was clearly oblivious to her mood. ‘Thank you for sharing. How about you, Liz?’
Kate seethed as he turned to the frizzy-haired girl with the same caring, encouraging smile.
When the sharing circle was finished, Brian explained how they were going to spend the morning.
‘You’ve come here because you’re in relationships that you feel are destructive or unhealthy.
Perhaps you have people in your lives who undermine your confidence, your self-esteem, your ability to fulfil your potential, people who block your energy and stop you becoming the person you could be.
You’re here today because you’re ready to confront the reality about these toxic relationships.
It may mean coming to a new understanding with that person.
It may mean letting them go. Either way, it’s not easy.
Even if a relationship is harmful to us, it can be difficult to let it go, and I know it’s taken a lot of courage for you all to take that first step. ’
Several members of the group exchanged a smug smile.
‘Today we’re going to confront those people. We’re going to tell them how they make us feel, how their behaviour affects us, and they’re going to listen. Because that’s the one thing that never happens in a toxic relationship. We’re never listened to,’ he said.
You could almost hear the group sigh admiringly en masse, Kate thought, as they devoured Brian’s pearls of wisdom.
‘While you talk, the rest of us,’ Brian indicated the circle with a sweeping gesture, ‘will listen. We will represent the person you want to confront. We won’t respond or argue, just accept what you have to say. There’s no judgment. This is a safe space. So,’ he said, ‘who’d like to start?’
First up was a man called Terry, whose ‘toxic’ person was his wife. Everyone listened supportively as he launched into a tirade against her. ‘You don’t support me in the spiritual journey I’m on,’ he said querulously. ‘You don’t want to grow as a person, and you try to stop me growing too.’
‘Oh, grow up!’ Kate snapped, unable to stop herself.
‘Is she allowed to say that?’ Terry appealed to Brian.
‘We’re just listening, Kate,’ Brian admonished her.
‘But he’s saying his wife doesn’t understand him!’ Kate protested, as if she was appealing to a referee. ‘Surely you can do better than that old chestnut,’ she said to Terry.
‘Please, Kate,’ Brian said, ‘we’re not here to judge, remember.’
‘Except Terry’s wife – we’re judging her! It’s not fair when she’s not here to defend herself.’
Brian sighed patiently. ‘This isn’t about Terry’s wife at all, Kate.
It’s about Terry’s experience of the relationship – how his wife’s behaviour makes him feel.
’ He looked as if he was regretting having asked her to stay.
She wondered if anyone had ever been thrown out of a sharing circle for being disruptive.
‘Okay, carry on, Terry,’ Brian said.
Thrown by the interruption, Terry took a deep breath to gather his thoughts. He was soon in his stride again. ‘You take the children to McDonald’s,’ he whined. ‘You buy them toys you know I don’t approve of. You undermine the values I’m trying to instil in our children.’
‘When?’ Kate exploded.
‘Sorry?’ Terry looked confused.
‘When do you try to give your children these values?’
‘Kate—’ Brian began.
‘No, it’s okay, Brian. I’m interested in hearing what Kate has to say.’ Terry turned to Kate. ‘What do you mean, Kate?’ he asked earnestly.
‘Well, today is Sunday and instead of being with your kids instilling your values in them, you’re here slagging off your wife to a bunch of strangers who won’t answer back. And you have the nerve to call her unsupportive!’
‘Well, yes, I suppose you do have a point.’ Terry deflated like a punctured balloon.
‘They’re probably at McDonald’s as we speak! I’m sure your wife would be delighted if you offered to do something else with them for the day.’
‘Kate, please!’ Brian threw Terry an apologetic look. ‘You have a right to your feelings, Terry,’ he said. ‘You don’t have to apologise for them.’
‘No, it’s okay, Brian,’ Terry said. ‘I value Kate’s input.’
‘Well, carry on,’ Brian said softly. ‘What else would you like to say to your wife?’
Terry cleared his throat. ‘Well, I realise I’ve been a bit selfish,’ he said, shamefaced.
‘I’ve left you to cope with the kids on your own far too often lately and I don’t appreciate how difficult your role is.
I complain that you don’t listen to me, but I see now that I haven’t listened to you either, when you’ve tried to tell me what you need.
But I’m going to be more supportive from now on, and I’m going to try to be a better father.
So, basically, I want to say sorry – sorry for not being there, sorry for not listening, sorry for not understanding. Just – sorry,’ he finished quietly.
There was a stunned silence followed by muted applause as Terry rejoined the circle, sheepishly.
‘Okay!’ Brian said. ‘Who’d like to go next?’
‘Me!’ Kate volunteered, jumping to her feet.
‘Kate! Okay. Who would you like to confront?’
‘My boyfriend,’ she said innocently.
If this is the way you want to play it, fine, she thought. If you won’t talk to me in private, we’ll just have to do it in public.
Brian struggled to look neutral. ‘Your boyfriend, okay. Please, go ahead.’
Standing in the middle of the circle, all eyes on her, Kate took a deep breath. ‘I want to break up with you. I know you’ve been unfaithful to me all along. There was that girl at Rachel’s wedding, but I know now that that wasn’t the only—’
‘We don’t mention specifics,’ Suzanne interrupted helpfully, prompting her in a stage whisper.
‘Suzanne’s right,’ Brian quavered. ‘We don’t need to know the circumstances. It’s about your experience of the relationship. Just stick to talking about your feelings – how your boyfriend’s behaviour makes you feel.’
‘Oh – okay.’ Kate was quite enjoying herself now. ‘Well, last night when I heard you making out with Liz on the landing, it made me feel very angry.’
Suzanne’s face crumpled, and she looked accusingly at Liz, who had blushed to the roots of her hair.
‘When I heard you arranging to go to her room to spend the night with her, it made me feel very stupid for ever believing you. I felt such an idiot for not realising what you were like all along. And I really resented you for making me feel that way.’
Brian’s caring smile was slipping, and the group were shifting and mumbling among themselves, casting suspicious glances at each other.
‘I guess deep down I suspected it all along,’ she continued, ‘but I thought now that we’re engaged—’
‘You’re engaged!’ Suzanne gasped, staring accusingly at Brian. She couldn’t have been more horrified if Kate had announced that he was a paedophile.