Chapter 9
chapter nine
Busy
It takes exactly two seconds for Junie to wobble off in the direction of where Marie’s son Leo is playing in the yard with a few other children of varying ages, and my heart swells and pinches at the same time. I love that my daughter seems comfortable running off to play with other kids, but it hurts a bit, too, knowing she can let go of my hand so easily, not even looking back.
“I wish Nina had been that easy to set up with other kids,” Marie says as we step back over to where her group of friends are sitting on cushioned outdoor furniture in a large circle. “Any time I tried to do a playdate, she wanted to drag me around, too. It was exhausting.”
The woman to my right—a redhead with a large smile—leans forward. “My Tessa couldn’t be left with anyone other than my parents until she was almost four. She’d literally scream so hard and for so long she’d pass out.”
I wince. “That sounds hard.”
“It was a nightmare. Be thankful your girl can run off early.”
“It’s nice to see Junie like this,” I share, “but it wouldn’t hurt to see a little more ‘stranger danger’ in her, you know?” Shaking my head, I glance over to where she and Leo are tottering around after a soccer ball. “I’m just always terrified she’s going to go missing one day because she’s so dang friendly.”
It’s a thought that plagues me more often than I’d like to admit. Sometimes I’ll find myself lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, listening for the soft sounds of her sleeping, as if she might have somehow gotten up and wandered out to the road, like she could hitchhike away from me.
She can’t even open a door yet.
Even so, I’ve heard from quite a few people that the fears infiltrating the minds of a mother are rarely rational.
“I’m Busy, by the way,” I say to the redhead.
Her eyes flash. “Oh, so you’re Patty’s daughter who just moved home.”
I’m not sure I like the way she says it, as if she’s heard so much about me. I nod anyway.
“That’s me.”
“I’m Tilly. My daughter Tessa is the one who looks just like me,” she says with a laugh. When I glance over to where the kids are and spot the girl with wild red hair flying around her head, it’s easy to see what she means.
“Let’s do a round of introductions, actually,” Marie interjects, and the chatter around the circle slowly fades. “I’m Marie, I’m thirty-three, and I have two kids. Nina is four and Leo is two.”
With that first spiel out of the way, the rest of the women launch in behind her. Sophia and Marlow and Becka and…it’s honestly hard to keep them all straight and after a few people, they all begin to blend together. Some of them look familiar and I try to place how I know them, though don’t really have much success. I honestly feel slightly bad for how intense I was with Reid about how important it is to remember people’s names because if I were the one getting quizzed after today, I know I’d fail.
When the intros finally get to me, I give my friendliest smile and try to greet everyone with my eyes. “I’m Busy. I’m twenty-two and my daughter, Junie, is almost two. We just moved back to Cedar Point at the beginning of June.”
The faces all appear friendly, and I get a lot of smiles and ‘welcome home’ comments. Maybe this doesn’t need to be as intimidating as it feels.
“So, Busy, you’re helping Briar open that bookstore, right?” Tilly asks, crossing her long, elegant legs and taking a sip from her champagne flute.
I nod. “Yeah. I’m her assistant. Painting, cleaning, lugging things around.” I shrug. “If she needs it, I’ll do it.”
“Bless you for being able to work with your sibling,” she says on a laugh. “I don’t think I’d ever be able to work for my sister. It would feel too much like I’m getting bossed around.”
“I’m sure working with family isn’t a good setup for everyone,” I reply, knowing plenty of people who fit that bill. “But Briar’s amazing, and it’s really fun getting to spend so much time with her.”
“Ignore Tilly. She just knows she would want to be the one to do the bossing,” says a beautiful brunette sitting next to Tilly who gives me a friendly smile. “I know all those introductions can run together, so I’m Sarah, by the way.”
I nod my head with a smile…that promptly freezes on my face, realization dawning.
Reid’s Sarah.
Sitting there looking…like a fucking model and perfection embodied. Long and lean and elegant, with her hair perfect and her makeup spotless and her nails done. She’s tall, like Reid, and her body is lithe in that willowy way I would never be able to manage at my petite 5’3”.
“She doesn’t have kids,” Tilly offers, smiling at me. “She’s just here for the mimosas.”
The two of them laugh as I sit frozen, my eyes glued to the woman who used to be married to the man I can’t get out of my head.
“Nice to meet you,” I finally manage, thankful when Sarah turns back to Tilly and says something I don’t hear.
I don’t know Reid that well, even though I might have memories of him from since I was basically a kid, but what I do know about him I really, really like. Obviously he’s handsome—that’s a no-brainer—but he’s also all those other things that make me want to kiss him whenever I see him. Warm and kind and funny and good with my kid.
It’s hard to imagine anyone ever being married to him and then getting divorced.
“Where on Main is it?” Tilly asks, leaning back against the cushioned seat.
“Where on Main is what?” Marie asks, plopping down across from me.
“My sister’s bookstore. It’s a great spot. We’re right between Ruthie’s and that art gallery I’ll never be able to afford anything from,” I reply on a laugh.
Tilly turns to Marie. “Oh, that’s right by Reid’s shop.”
Marie’s eyes flick to Sarah before she looks back at Tilly. “It is.”
Sarah sighs. “I’ve told you plenty of times, you don’t have to tiptoe around me. He and I are just fine.” Then she turns to me, rolling her eyes. “Just because people get divorced doesn’t mean they can’t stay friends, right?”
I manage a smile and a nod.
“So, Busy…how are you getting settled?” Sarah continues. “Reid said you moved into the green cabin, right?”
I can’t help the new wave of surprise that rolls over me. I don’t like that feeling. Not at all. Even though I have no right to the jealousy that courses through me, something about knowing Reid and his ex are not only still friendly but on speaking terms—that they’ve spoken about me —ruffles something in my chest that I don’t like. At. All.
“It’s going great,” I finally spit out. “I like being on the water.”
Sarah laughs. “You sound like Reid.”
“It’ll be great on the Fourth,” Marie interjects. “Sitting on the dock to watch the fireworks. Although if you don’t have plans, you’re always welcome to come here.”
I nod. “I’ll probably go to my parents’ house.”
After a few beats, Tilly, Marie, and Sarah begin talking about Fourth of July plans as I sit there…in stunned silence. I only speak to Jay out of strict necessity. If he wasn’t Junie’s dad, I would never speak to the man again. And we weren’t even married—thank god. We didn’t have to go through all the emotional upheaval of separating our lives the way I can only assume Sarah and Reid have had to do.
But I guess that’s only an assumption, after all. Who knows what their relationship was really like?
I listen as intently as I can and try to laugh in the right places, but I feel a little distracted and a whole lot tired. I forgot how exhausting it is to be around people like this, in a place where I feel like I have to be so social and friendly and smiley all the time. I know that’s something I’ve imposed upon myself, but I can’t help it.
Licking my lips, I glance toward Junie, wishing she’d call out for me or something, because I am suddenly desperately ready to go. Unfortunately, I find her plucking flowers from a weedy bush, completely oblivious to me. I want to grab Junie and leave, flee to our cabin in the woods. But I don’t.
Instead, I stay and continue my conversation until Junie runs over to hand me her flowers and weeds, and I take my chance. I excuse myself from the women I’m sitting with and walk with Junie a few steps away, and then when I feel like nobody is watching, we slip out through the side gate unnoticed. I kind of feel like an asshole, not even saying bye to Marie or thanking her for inviting me over, but sometimes it’s just easier to disappear and say nothing.
That said, as I pull down the drive and away from Marie’s, I can’t help feeling incredibly guilty. Maybe I shouldn’t have darted so quickly. The last thing I want to do is seem ungrateful. I’ll have to make sure I talk to her and say thank you soon.
“How did it go?”
I glance at my mother as I unclip Junie from her car seat and tug her out. The question isn’t unexpected or even unwarranted, but it is unwanted. I’m not really sure what to say.
So I shrug. “It was alright.”
Mom’s head jerks back. “Just alright? I feel like all the moms love going over to Marie’s for mom-osas.”
I snort. “They do not call it that.”
“Yes, they do.”
Giggling, I smooch Junie on the cheek then set her on the ground, my heart pinching again when she lets go of my hand quickly and races over to my mom.
“Well it’s a cute name. I’m just not sure it’s for me.”
My mom picks Junie up and settles her easily on one hip. “Maybe give it another shot. Those are some wonderful ladies, and you could learn a lot from them.”
My spine straightens, the underhanded comment hitting me square in the chest. “Excuse me?”
Mom sighs, her face falling. “Busy, that’s not what I meant.”
“Well, it’s what you said.”
We’re silent for a long moment, the tension between us thick and uncomfortable and making me want to cry because I miss my mom.
“I’ll be back at 4:30,” I say, taking a step closer and pressing another kiss to Junie’s cheek. “Bye, baby. Love you.”
“Bye!” she says, smiling wide and waving her hand dramatically.
My eyes connect with my mother’s briefly, and then I spin around and hop into my car without saying another word.
When I get home from work, I’m nearly ready to collapse. Briar and I spent most of the afternoon shelving books, an action that requires bending down and standing up over and over and over again. And we’re only halfway done, if that.
I’m in my early 20s. Shouldn’t I be more spry than this?
When we get back to the house and I hear Junie call out “Sinny!” as I tug her from her car seat, I nearly cry with relief.
Please, Sydney. Run around with my daughter.
Reid’s dog comes barreling over, her tongue lolling out of the side of her mouth. Sydney promptly licks Junie’s face, and my girl lets out the most precious giggle. I glance around, assuming she got out again, but then my eyes lock on Reid where he’s walking toward us from his cabin.
“Hey.” I look around again. “Did you take the day off?”
He smiles. “Kind of. Had a doctor’s appointment today, so I took a half day.”
I shut the car door and give him a smirk.
“Prostate exam?”
Reid looks like he’s about to choke before he bursts into laughter.
“Yep. How’d you know?” he jokes back, coming to a stop a few feet away.
I shrug. “You have a special glow about you.”
Reid just shakes his head. “God, you really are a menace, aren’t you?” he asks, but the smile on his face says he’s teasing.
He crouches down to pet Sydney, though she ignores him as she continues snuggling into Junie, who is giving her soft pets on her ears and back.
“Hey, I don’t know what you have planned for the rest of the day, but…I think Junie and I are gonna jump in the lake.” I glance at Reid. “You and Sydney are welcome to join us.”
I don’t know why I ask.
Maybe it’s because I want to keep Junie preoccupied with the dog. Maybe it’s because I’m hoping for a distraction from the way my mind continues to return to my shitty interaction with my mother. Or maybe it’s just because I like when Reid is around.
I’m not entirely certain, but what I do know is how thrilled I feel when he nods his head and says, “We’d love to.”
The thud of Junie’s footsteps are too precious as she toddles quickly toward the end of the dock, her floatie swimsuit bouncing with each step. She hurls herself off the edge with a squeal before landing with a splash in the water, where Reid is waiting for her.
Seconds later, Sydney dives in behind her. The two of them have been doing this same routine over and over again for the past twenty minutes or so, without tiring in the slightest.
“Again!” Junie cries out, laughing wildly as Reid swims her over to the dock and hoists her back up.
I glance over to where Sydney is paddling toward the shoreline, trying desperately to catch up. Junie’s energy and speed just can’t be matched, and as soon as she’s back on her feet, dripping with water, she totters away. Then she turns around and races right back, barely giving Reid enough time to prepare for her before she launches into the water again.
“I think you’re raising a fish,” Reid jokes as Junie giggles in his arms.
I nod from where I’m sitting at the edge of the dock, my feet dangling ankle deep in the water. “I think you’re right. It’s probably time to start with some swimming lessons.”
I’ve been thinking about it ever since we moved back. With such easy access to the lake, the best thing I can do for her is make sure she knows how to swim as quickly as possible.
Reid lifts Junie up above his head, and she squeals again as he chucks her into the air then drops back down with a splash.
“Though I’m not sure I’m ready for it even if she is.”
“Well…I taught both Nina and Leo how to swim,” he says, floating slowly on his back over to the dock again. “If you want, I can teach Junie.”
I’m floored by his offer, and I swish my feet in the water, the mental image of Reid teaching Junie to swim fluttering through my mind.
“But no pressure,” he adds just as he lifts Junie back up onto the dock.
I shake my head. “Sorry, I was just… That’s so generous of you. Thank you for offering. Can I think about it?”
“Absolutely. And if you’d be more comfortable having someone else teach her, I completely understand.”
Licking my lips, I let out a sigh. “It’s not about comfort, I just…have a hard time accepting help from people,” I say, far more honestly than I intend. Something about talking with Reid brings that honesty out in me. “I came home, intending to do all these things on my own, and it feels like I’ve done nothing but step back and let other people do things for me.”
Reid flicks some water at me, the droplets hitting my legs where they hang over the edge.
“I wouldn’t offer if I didn’t mean it,” he says, his lips tilted up at the sides.
The pitter-patter of Sydney’s feet sounds as she comes barreling down the dock then launches past me, and a few seconds later Junie’s footsteps follow suit. I tuck my hands underneath my thighs, feeling a pinch in my chest at the way Reid smiles at my daughter, at how bright he is, how present. Like she’s deserving of his attention.
If only Jay felt that way. If only he felt even a fraction of what seems to come so naturally for Reid.
After a few more jumps into the water, I can tell my girl’s energy is fading. “I think it might be time to head in and get some dinner and go to bed,” I say, taking a slightly sluggish Junie from Reid and bringing her little body in snuggled against mine. “Are we getting sleepy?” I ask her.
Junie shakes her head even as her eyes begin to droop, and I chuckle under my breath.
Then I about swallow my tongue as Reid hoists himself out of the lake and up onto the dock, his muscles bunching and flexing with the movement, and I can’t help the way my eyes scan over his near-perfect physique. I can’t remember the last time I watched a body like this, with such rapt attention to detail. It’s as if I’m magnetized to him and can’t look away.
Which is, of course, when I realize Reid is watching me watch him, and I look back at Junie in my arms, feeling completely mortified. The man was literally just being a sweetheart and playing with my daughter, and I’m over here just…basically drooling.
Grow up, Busy.
“Well, thanks for hanging out with us,” I say, turning slightly and trying to figure out how I’m going to stand up with Junie in my arms.
“Here, let me help.”
Before I can say or do anything, Reid’s hands are under my arms and he lifts me so I’m standing. His hands brace me, making sure I’m balanced.
“You good?”
I swallow thickly then clear my throat. “Yeah. I’m good.”
Even though I could feel your fingers barely grazing the edge of my breasts.
Shoving that thought aside, I turn around so I’m facing Reid, hoping any kind of pink in my cheeks can be explained by our time in the sun.
“I’m gonna try to get her to eat dinner then get her ready for bed,” I tell him, glancing at where Junie is already beginning to doze in my arms.
“Well, if you’re looking for something to do once she’s down,” he says, shrugging a shoulder, “maybe I can teach you to play poker.”
I lick my lips, wanting to say yes, wanting to race inside and put my daughter in her bed then return to his side for more of this feeling I get when I’m around him, like I’m a dead battery getting plugged in.
But before I can get ahead of myself, I’m already shaking my head. “I think I’m pretty beat, too. I’m gonna take advantage of Junie’s early night and call it for myself.”
Reid nods, his hands on his hips. “Alright, well. I hope you enjoy your rest.”
“But…we’d like to join you on the hike tomorrow,” I add on. “If you’re still up for some tagalongs?”
His smile grows and he crosses his arms. “I’d love that.”
“We’re not huge hikers, though, and I’m gonna assume hiking with a toddler is a very different game than hiking with friends.”
He’s already shaking his head. “Don’t even worry about it. I’ve done hikes with Nina and Leo. I know it takes forever.”
I chuckle. “Okay, well…just text me the details and I’ll make sure we’re ready to go.”
“Sounds good. Have a good night, Busy.”
I give Reid a small smile then turn, heading back up to the house and inside. I make a few sandwich bites for Junie, which she eats without complaint, even if she starts dozing as she does, her mouth chewing slowly and her head lolling forward before jerking back up as she tries to stay awake.
Once she’s finished eating, we do a quick tub before I finally get her settled in bed. Then, I finally get to think about myself, and what myself needs is a nice long shower before I crawl into my own bed and collapse.
I do a quick pick-up, cleaning Junie’s high chair and putting away all the sandwich supplies before I hop into the shower, turning my face into the water and bracing my hands against the tile wall. The exhaustion finally catches up with me as my sluggish brain attempts to reflect on the long day. Marie’s, work, and swimming have sapped all the energy out of me.
Though I’m clearly not so exhausted that I feel like I can’t do the hike tomorrow with Reid.
I roll my eyes. Didn’t I just tell myself it would be far too easy to fall for him? What happened to all those mental pep talks with reminders of how important it is not to be too risky?
And then there’s the fact that he still talks regularly with his ex-wife. Younger Busy wouldn’t have seen any of this as a problem. The idea of hooking up with my neighbor who is still friends with his ex? No biggie.
Now, though, I can see that it’s messy. So, so messy.
I growl at myself and rest my forehead against the wall. I’ve got to get over this stupid crush. It’s a mistake. Reid is just a nice guy who is being nice and friendly and neighborly, and I’m over here in my head, hyperaware of his hands and irritated at his ex-wife for knowing I live next door. Tomorrow is a friendly hike in the woods. Just a friendly hike.
I turn and tilt my head back, enjoying the water as it beats down on me. Then I begin to wash away the lake water, first from my hair, then from my body.
But that proves to be a mistake as well. The feeling of my soapy hands roving over my skin sends a thrum of need racing through me that I haven’t felt in…quite some time.
Before I can think better of it, my mind pictures Reid helping me put my bed together again, but it’s just the two of us in the house, his strong muscles working as he hoists a thick bed frame into place and then sets my mattress into it.
“Want help breaking it in?”
I shake my head, knowing he wouldn’t say anything so obvious. Reid is a softer animal, gentler. I can tell, just from the way he speaks to me, the way he moves his hands.
“This wood is sturdy and strong,” he says instead, tracing the grain along the footboard. “Should last a good long while.”
I crawl up onto the bed and flop onto my back then look at Reid before gently patting the spot next to me.
“Wanna help me test it out?” I ask him.
His eyes flash but he hoists himself up next to me, then lies back so we’re side by side. Our heads turn to look at each other.
“God, you’re beautiful,” he whispers, his eyes roving over my face in my mind the way I’ve seen him look at me in real life.
Then, unlike the night he pulled back as we stood in Junie’s doorway, this time, he leans in and presses his lips to mine.
My hands dip down, sliding through the slick crease between my legs, and I can’t help but whimper, the sound echoing around me in the shower.
In my waking dream, Reid’s hands reach out for me and draw me close, pull me in against his body. They rove and touch and caress as our tongues duel before he pushes me back and brings himself over me. He blocks out the light, blocks out anything but him, his hips coming between my legs and grinding against me.
My fingers circle my clit, my forehead pressed against the tile wall. Fuck, it feels so good. So good, so good to feel this spark between my legs again after so long without it. Desire pools in my belly and I rotate my hips, searching for the move or thought or something that will take me over the edge.
But the longer I hover there, the longer I imagine Reid and me in bed, the more frustrated I become, because I can’t get there. I can’t get there on my own. I’ve never been able to. No matter how…desperate or needy I feel.
When the water begins to cool, I let out a frustrated growl and finally give up, washing quickly then storming out of the shower. As I dry off and slip on a pair of panties and a tank top for bed, I become more and more infuriated with myself.
I didn’t mean to re-cast Reid in the role of ‘hot guy’ in my fantasies, but he is quickly beginning to take on that position and I don’t know what to do to stop it. Maybe swearing off men until Junie is in college was the wrong move. Maybe I just need to swear off relationships.
There can’t be any harm in enjoying some sexy time with a faceless man, right? Someone who can take the edge off for me—get off himself—and then we exchange high fives instead of phone numbers?
When I return to the bathroom and begin brushing my hair, my eyes scan over my body with critical eyes. I haven’t had sex with anyone since Jay. It was good sex, don’t get me wrong, but it was with a man who treated me like shit. A man I allowed to treat me like shit for far too long before I cut him out of my life as much as was possible.
My body is desperate to be treated right, desperate to be craved, and worshipped, and brought over the brink.
But the idea of no-strings sexy times feels a lot more daunting than it did when I was in college and having the time of my life. I had quite a few one-night stands with absolutely no cares about whether or not the guy was using me to get off, because I was doing the same.
Now, it feels a whole lot more intimidating. My heart is shaped differently now than it used to be. When I was younger, it was kept safely behind a wall and in a cage surrounded by a moat that no man could penetrate.
Then I had a daughter, and after plenty of time in therapy, I realized if I kept my heart walled off like that, I wouldn’t be able to be the mom she needs me to be. One who can be honest and open with her, who can love her with her whole heart. Doing that makes me feel so much more vulnerable, and you can’t be vulnerable with a one-night stand. That’s the whole point.
So just as quickly as my mind dabbles in the idea of taking a night for myself and going to Lucky’s to find some fun, I flip right back to my original plan.
No men until Junie’s 18.
I’ll survive. Nobody ever died from lack of sex.
At least, I hope not.
I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.