Chapter 6
Sir Keyon
Sorry about that, Toast, I said. Thought we were far enough.
Toast didn’t reply, but he eventually slowed his escape so we wouldn’t be too far from Elpis. He started pacing, breathing rapidly, and making soft chuff-like noises through his mouth.
Come on now, big guy. No, no. Don’t cry, I implored . You’re gonna make me cry too. Watching him suffer was torturous because I never knew what to do. There was no magic concoction for what we were barely enduring.
Toast was working through a panic attack, and all I could do was to try to coach him through it.
It’s ok, Toast. Breathe. Just breathe. Let’s count together, ok? In for one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Hold for one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, and then out as slooooow as you can, buddy. That’s it. You’re doing great. Let those muscles feel nice and heavy when you breathe out. Yup, just like that.
Toast’s panic eventually calmed, but he still cried in the way that dragons cry. You think I like living like this? he bawled. I don’t like living like this, Keyon. I don’t like making you suffer because females terrify me. I don’t like keeping you from having a mate because females terrify me. I don’t want us to end up alone because females terrify me!
But why, though? I asked. I still don’t understand what happened and why you won’t talk to me about it. You were like this from the day you woke within me.
I’m just not ready to talk about it…
When then? How can we get better if you refuse to talk about it? We’re in a very delicate situation right now. We need to be as strong as possible, big guy.
Soon, I promise… this time, I promise, he sobbed. I don’t want to be like this anymore! It hurts, Keyon. It hurts more than ever! I feel like I can’t breathe. It’s a cage.
I sighed, wishing I had a solution.
Maybe I just need to face it, Toast sighed as though he were defeated.
How, Toast?
Remember when Grandpa told us about his neighbor’s hatchling who wouldn’t go near dogs?
Yeah, what about it?
The neighbor just kept bringing their hatchling around to meet dogs little by little until they weren’t afraid anymore.
Oh yeah. I do remember that, but we can’t go around asking to pet the head of a restrained female and walk away, I said, trying to make a point. Toast burst into laughter, which sounded similar to his crying. It was nervous laughter, but I could tell it was releasing a lot of built-up tension. It made me chuckle a little too. Toast just sat in that little part of the woods, snorting and huffing with laughter like a crazed drunkard. Little white flames licked out of his mouth in his mirth.
When Toast calmed down, he said quietly, She’s our fated mate, Keyon.
Great fucking gods. I had a feeling… I replied. Proud of you for telling me that, buddy.
I… don’t want to cost us our fated mate. I don’t know what scares me more .
Does she really terrify you as much as other females, Toast? How do you feel about her specifically?
It’s not as bad… but she still makes me nervous. The bond must be helping.
You didn’t run away at the dinner when she touched me. That was impressive.
Well, that’s obviously because I was stunned…
OH. Is that why it sounded like your brain had broken? I laughed, and that caused Toast to start laughing again too.
Unfortunately… yes. That’s when I verified what she was to us…
She’s proven several times that she doesn’t want to hurt us, Toast.
He growled a little at that, and his tail thrashed. That’s not how it works, Keyon! My brain can tell me all the facts it wants, but I still FEEL the fear! I feel the nausea and the adrenaline. I feel my heart pound simply from the fact that I have no control over it. I’m constantly at war with my own mind and emotions. It’s a lot more complicated than you think! Don’t make me feel like shit for being terrified of something as big as my foot. ’Course it’s not completely logical…
Sorry, sorry! I apologized hastily, trying to placate him before he started to get another panic attack. I obviously don’t experience every little thing you do. Sometimes I wish I could, just so I could help better…
Aaargh! Toast huffed in frustration. Not to mention this is so fucking embarrassing, having to hide this condition. Worse, as we’re in a high position under the king.
Don’t be embarrassed, Toast. Let’s just focus on what works and what doesn’t. I feel you’re about to spiral, so let’s pull back, ok? We’ll keep it simple.
Right. He snorted out a tiny puff of smoke. Keep it simple. I can do that.
One step at a time, I added. Little tiny hatchling steps.
Tiny steps, possibly with a limp, he added reluctantly, but we just ended up laughing again .
Ok, so let’s get on the same page with a plan now. We need to find a town to send a message to Leofwine. We’ll then leave to meet him, but what do we do with Elpis now?
Doesn’t seem like it’s safe to bring her back to the castle, Toast surmised.
At least until we know more about what’s going on with Prince Cyneric. I also… should we check where we left our Inferno? I’m worried about my knights… and the others.
If they left dead bodies, they’re charred beyond recognition, Keyon…
My heart sank at that dark thought. Could they have really attacked our own? My Inferno, medics, and squires? I was snapped from my thoughts when we heard my name being screamed in the distance.
“Sir Keyon!” a female’s voice screeched in terror. “Help me! Sir Keyon!”
Elpis! Toast and I said simultaneously.
Toast snarled and bolted. He ran back to the camp as fast as he could, arriving in seconds to see three males chasing her in the other direction. When Toast’s eyes narrowed on her torn dress, he flew into a rage, immediately stepping on and crushing the closest male to her. His shriek was cut off the moment his life was replaced with death.
The two remaining attackers balked and tried to shift, but Toast wasn’t going to risk Elpis’s safety for the fun of a longer skirmish. He snapped his teeth down around one male’s midsection to paralyze him and tossed him through the canopy to die on impact somewhere else. The third male? Well, Toast just bit his head off first and ate the rest, trying to shield his gruesome activity from Elpis with his wings.
Unfortunately, the meal did not agree with him. He heaved and looked around for a place away from Elpis to puke. Nope… shouldn’t have eaten that. That one was a cat. I’m gonna barf.
Well, don’t barf here! And remove that flattened body. Oh, great Sun God, she’s going to be traumatized, I groaned in dismay .
Where is she any— Ahhh! Toast exclaimed, seeing that Elpis had crept closer to him in wide-eyed curiosity. Toast backed up, grabbed the body he’d made a doormat from, and ran off to regurgitate the cat-shifter.
I shifted back when he was done purging the foul thing from his system and nearly ran into Elpis on my way back to where I’d left her. She was gasping for air but seemed relieved. She also seemed like she was having a hard time not looking at my naked body, but I was too worried about her to be pleased about it. A sheen of sweat lathered her forehead and upper chest as she pulled up a torn sleeve. I frowned at it, but at least that was the only part they’d been able to touch. We shouldn’t have left her side. That had been risky.
“I’m so sorry, Elpis. We shouldn’t have left you alone!” I apologized, wishing I could grab her arms while I said that to show her my earnest. She shook her head and looked at my shoulder.
“Mmm, nay. Not your fault. Thanks for coming…” she said with a tiny smile. The sweetness of her face made my brain stop working, and I couldn’t recall the way back to our things. I got turned around for a moment, trying to remember where we’d camped, but finally caught the scent of our old firepit.
This was my fault. Toast sighed when we returned, still not agreeing with Elpis’s assessment.
Nope. Let’s all drop the guilt here, I replied firmly. You didn’t call those looters to assault our mate. She’s safe. That’s what matters.
Yes… Toast agreed, almost shyly.
“Did they hurt you?” I asked Elpis and pointed to her torn sleeve.
She shook her head and answered, “Nay, I’m unharmed.” I breathed out a sigh of relief, and she nodded at my shoulder.
“Why do you keep looking at my shoulder, Elpis? Do I have a spider there?” I asked while pulling on a pair of pants.
“Mmm. Slaves don’t look at faces,” she said quietly, and I froze once I stood up, only moving to tighten the buckle on my pants. Had it not been clear? Had I not clarified after the chaos? Now I didn’t even remember.
“Elpis,” I said cautiously. “You do realize you’re not a slave anymore, right?” I studied her face as her expression went through a myriad of emotions. It happened so fast I couldn’t even keep track of the order. She just ended up looking stunned. Like someone had slapped her, and she didn’t know what to do about it. Her hand went to the collar at her neck.
“Yeah, we’re going to remove that one too, but it’ll be trickier,” I admitted, tossing a shirt on and closing my bag. “Iron has a much higher melting point than gold. We should remove that one in the water.”
She didn’t really react, just held her collar and stared. “Elpis?” I asked. “Can you hear me? None of the lord’s slaves are slaves anymore. You’re not a slave. You’re a free female now. You’re free like your friends. No one will ever own you again.”
“Mmm. Were you the ones who freed the slaves at the other dens?” she asked. It was the most she’d said at once to me. She also sounded a little sharper now, coming across as more alert and intelligent. Had she been intentionally making herself seem dull-witted? I wanted to learn a lot more about her.
“My knights and I have been performing the raids, yes. We’ve freed many, but there’s a lot more left. Hard to say how many, but I’m worried it’s more than I thought,” I answered. “Adelmar’s plan was deeply concerning to me.”
“So, you were a spy,” she mumbled thoughtfully but seemed happy about it. I saw a barely concealed smile curl up a lip. I chuckled at her deep contemplation. I supposed I had played a part to get more information.
She placed her hands on her face and choked on a relieved sob. Her brown-sugar eyes finally flickered up to mine. They sparkled with tears and something I hadn’t seen on her face thus far—hope.
“The other slaves are ok? Dagmaer… the little hatchling is safe now?”
“They should be,” I answered, pushing confidence into my response. I wasn’t one hundred percent positive, but I would have hazarded a guess that they’d be brought safely back to the castle to avoid more suspicion around what happened at Adelmar’s mansion.
“Mmm, how… Teach me to survive?” she asked breathlessly, and I nodded, feeling warmth in my chest from her request.
“I’ll help you get strong, Elpis. Teach you self-defense too,” I promised. “We’ll sort out a safe place for you to rehabilitate. We just have to deal with some… complications first.”
I’d help her. I’d put her first when I could, but… I didn’t really want her rehabilitating anywhere other than at my side—preferably in my arms. Could she even feel the bond? I sighed and rubbed my temples. I sensed that this was going to be a rough road.
Elpis
This is all far too much, I thought to myself while we gathered our things. My heart pounded as I rolled up the blanket, tucking in my new clothes to keep everything together. I barely noticed Sir Keyon gesture for us to be on our way, and I had a hard time staying present while we moved toward his next destination.
Slaves of the First Water had to master hiding their pain, and I tried to mask how shaken I was, but everything that had occurred over the last couple of days was starting to become a lot more than I could handle. I felt like someone was stacking weights on me and that before I was able to get used to the previous weight, another would be added.
Burdened by mental and physical exhaustion, I hoped we didn’t have far to walk. I was still sore from being tortured multiple times, and once was usually enough to break me for at least a week. Thoughts of Sir Keyon were what kept me from being utterly destroyed after the first night. Then he saved me from the cage the next…
So much had happened after that… Why had the soldiers attacked Sir Keyon? Through the pain, smoke, and thin air, I barely recalled him mentioning the king and calling those soldiers slaver sympathizers. They’d also set the mansion on fire, apparently. Were my friends truly safe with them?
I’d had it all backwards, and that had given me a spark of hope. Sir Keyon had been the good guy. He had been the spy, but I didn’t really know who he was. I was all alone with this stranger. That by itself should scare me, but it didn’t. What was I feeling?
I was attracted to him more than ever, but now I felt safe… nearly doted on by the male. I had no idea what it was like to be a free female, but being fed, watered, clothed in pretty dresses and not allowed to lie on dirt certainly felt like doting. He’d come when I called and killed those wretched attackers. I shuddered at how close they’d come to grabbing me, snagging just my sleeve when I jumped to my feet. They’d been so quiet. I should have been more alert, but Sir Keyon hadn’t let me down. He’d kept me safe.
What else… Confusion. That was another one. He confused me. Sometimes his actions wouldn’t just confuse me; they also made me feel pangs of disappointment. The two times he’d touched me had been by accident, and he’d always recoiled as if I was some slimy creature. Was he disgusted by me? Being too old to be a pleasure slave meant you were no longer pleasurable… and I was at the retirement age. Maybe it was the same in the real world? Maybe females of my age out here were considered undesirable too? Had I lost my chance to find a mate?
I snorted quietly in bitterness. I knew he liked females because he obviously had a response to me. He’d just much rather touch himself than let me do it. When I’d returned from relieving myself, I looked for Sir Keyon. I’d heard him hiss out my name, so I followed the sound and found him doing my job for me. I didn’t know what it was like for free females, but I was disgraced. He could’ve just asked and closed his eyes so he wouldn’t have to look at my old, cellulite-covered body. I was still good at it!
Nay! What are these thoughts running through my mind? I asked myself, slapping my cheeks. Those were slave thoughts, not free female thoughts! I shouldn’t want to please a male ever again with the life I’ve had… right? What happened to me thinking all males were monsters? So why did I so desperately want to please him? Was I broken? Was there truly no coming back from being a slave? How was I supposed to learn how to be a free female?
I began to lose myself in confusing thoughts and rubbed a watery eye. Staring at the knight’s back as we walked, I just couldn’t figure out what he wanted from me. Why was I even here with him if I wasn’t a slave? I was free, right? I should be able to just walk in a different direction from him… right?
I rubbed both my eyes this time and tripped on what felt like a jutting stone. I hit the ground and yelped, immediately grabbing the elbow I’d smacked against a rock.
“Shit! Are you ok?” Sir Keyon asked, turning to see what had happened.
“Mmm, I’m fine,” I mumbled and sat there for a moment, trying to look at my elbow. It wasn’t bleeding, but it would definitely bruise. I looked to see the knight frowning in concern but sighed when he didn’t move to help me stand. I didn’t need his help, but the lack of the gesture made my heart sink even lower. I was definitely not even worth touching as a free female. Used. Ugly. Old.
I stood up and motioned for us to continue. The spark of hope I’d felt earlier was now ebbing down a drain. Since my mind was a mess, I decided to leave it for a while. Emptiness was familiar; it was safe.
We walked for several hours before we hit a dirt road. I hadn’t been paying attention to where we were going, so I just stared blankly at the scene while he wandered around it. It looked like someone had thrown a bunch of junk off to the side of the road. I crouched to pick up a helmet that had been sitting upright and traced its swirling designs with a finger. Underneath the helmet was a dark spot that caught my attention, so I put the helmet down and took a closer look.
“Sir Keyon?” I called. I didn’t know why, but something in my gut said that this was important. I heard him approach from behind me, and I pointed at the symbol. Someone had burned an image into the back of a piece of bark.
The knight’s face darkened, and I moved to get out of his way when he crouched. He picked up the bark and put it in his pocket, then stood up and began searching under other objects. Were there others? I meandered around until I found another symbol on the back of a tree. I called him over and pointed at that one, which he worked to dig out with his claws.
I searched around while he pried the image out of the tree, but I spotted no more of them. Placing the bundle I was carrying on the ground, I sat on it while I waited for the knight to do what he needed to do here. Eventually he sighed and came over to sit by me with a grim look on his face.
“The good news is that I’m not seeing enough blood to suggest that anyone died. There’s also no sign of incinerated bodies,” he said while massaging the spot between his drawn brows.
“Mmm, these were your soldiers?” I asked quietly, and he nodded.
“My group of knights, my Inferno. I also had squires and medics here. I just don’t know where they went. They were supposed to show up at the raid… and that’s where the bad news comes in to play.” He reached into his pocket and brought out the first symbol I’d found. “Each of my knights has unique metal stencils they use to leave messages. This one belongs to Sir Stroud. You know what this symbol means? It’s his symbol for ‘traitor.’” Sir Keyon stared at it with a scowl. “So now I know that something happened here, and Sir Stroud found a moment to place this metal piece on wood and use his dragon’s breath to brand a message. This says that someone had turned on my kn ights.”
Sir Keyon put the bark back in his pocket and pulled out the small chunk he’d carved from the tree. “This one,” he said with a more worried expression, “is Sir Gerfrid’s symbol for poison.”
I swallowed heavily, and my hands suddenly felt clammy. I wiped my palms down my thighs and felt dread in my belly. “Mmm, poison is a bad man’s sword,” I murmured. Sir Keyon’s bronze eyes flashed with anger, and he nodded in agreement. He put the chunk of wood away and rubbed his face with both his hands.
“But seeing that symbol now… it doesn’t matter if there’s no blood around. They could all be dead from whatever poisoned them. All their attackers had to do was remove their bodies,” he said into his palms, his shoulders quivering. “They could all be dead,” he repeated with a waver in his voice.
When I heard a wet sniffle escape him, I reached over to pat him on the shoulder. That was a mistake, and I really should have thought twice about it. He jerked away from me and backed off like I’d bitten him. I lowered my eyes, held up my palms, and rushed out an apology. “Mmm, I’m sorry! I won’t touch you ever again! I promise! Never, ever, ever! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”
He backed up a couple more steps, but I dared not look at his face. Stupid, stupid! Oh goddess, I really messed up this time! I opened my mouth to apologize again, but Sir Keyon burst through his clothes, and his dragon took to the sky. Wind pelted me from his departure, and I scrambled backwards toward the tree line, covering my head to keep the wind-strewn debris from flying in my face.
I gasped and grabbed at my stinging chest. Tears brimmed in my eyes at what felt like the ultimate rejection. Stumbling like a drunkard, I turned and ran. I raced through the underbrush, crying without a clue as to what I was doing or where I was going.
Was this the world that was waiting for me outside slavery? I didn’t know what I was doing. How was I supposed to navigate this? I began to hyperventilate when my panic escalated. Where would I go? How would I feed myself? How would I protect myself? Had I screwed up leaving where he’d left me? Would he be glad to see me gone? So many questions. I’d had nothing but questions since I’d been freed, and I’d been too overwhelmed to ask any of them.
My feet slapped on the forest floor, kicking up cold dirt and detritus. Sometimes I’d step on something sharp, but I just kept running through the woods. I was fueled poorly by pure adrenaline and despair, and I knew my body would regret this later. My soul was just too battered to fight any longer. My heart writhed in pain. I didn’t know why it jabbed me so, but it was agonizing.
Hopes and losses, hopes and losses.
I wished I could just sink into the shadows and never be seen again. No one would miss me, and maybe I’d get to see Pelagia once more. I cried openly, almost as if asking nearby predators to just have at me. Cut me to ribbons.
Just make the pain go away. I beg of you.