39. Rowan
Rowan
“Gone healing, have you?” Orsen growled, storming over to me with all the softness of a grizzly bear. The others were right on his tail, and I flicked my stare to Bastian, some self-sabotaging behavior, because what I was met with was nothing short of white-hot rage.
I held up my hands, pulse hammering as I walked down the jetty to meet them.
“What the hell are you doing, bringing her here?” Grey growled, directing his words at Griffin, who was hot on my heels, likely trying his best to offer a buffer for the Alphas’ anger.
“Because she asked. She’s not a prisoner,” he pointed out, tone too sharp for my liking. “At least, I didn’t think so. She said she needed to do this, and I—”
“Don’t blame him. I asked him to bring me here,” I cut in, wrapping my arm around Orsen’s waist. “I didn’t mean to… It wasn’t the best move. I know. But I had to see this place. I just had to.”
Despite his pissed-off expression, Orsen pulled me close, resting his chin on top of my head as that low growl rumbled through him. The tension in his body was unmistakable, and he seemed to be shaking with fury.
“Why not ask us?” Nix sounded wounded. When I looked up at him, his expression was heartbroken, making me feel so much worse. “We would have helped you come here.”
“I just wanted to see it for myself… To see whether it would jog any memories,” I admitted softly. “I was concerned that I wouldn’t be able to let it go. To move on.”
“Did it?” Nix’s face lit up with hope. “Did you remember anything?”
I shook my head, the grief I’d been releasing coming back, full force. “No. It… It made everything a lot more real, though.”
Grey sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose before looking up at me. “How so?”
“Seeing this place, knowing what happened here, how much I lost…”
“This place is nothing but suffering. I could have told you that,” Orsen grumbled, his fingers pressing into me possessively, like I would evaporate any moment.
“I get why you’d feel that way, I do, but I don’t agree. We were happy here…” I pulled back, holding up the photo. “This, the looks on our faces, it really hit me just how much had been taken from you all—and from me—but look at us. Look at that joy. I-I want that.”
Orsen’s disgruntled expression melted as he glanced at the picture. He slowly reached for it, the corners of his mouth lifting as he scanned over our happy faces. The iron-straight hold of his spine relaxed a hair, and he exhaled long and hard. “God, I’d sort of forgotten how good those days were.”
Greylen and Nix approached, interested in the photo, and that same wash of emotions spread over them.
Nostalgia was a funny thing when it was for a moment you couldn’t remember.
I imagined it was strange for them, too, wishing for that time while still being heartbroken at the thought of it.
So much bad was mixed up with so much good.
There was no untangling all that. There was just accepting it.
“I’m sorry. I should have talked to you guys.
” I dropped my head, letting out all the words that sprang up because I didn’t want to hold back anymore.
“A chunk of my life is missing. There’s no getting it back, and I feel…
something about it. It’s not really clear.
I knew I was desperate to know, to learn what happened.
And I guess I still am, but I’m also resolved.
We were together. We were happy. It was real.
That, well, shit. That means it can be that way again.
Can’t it?” Tears pooled in the corners of my eyes.
Nix took my hand as Orsen squeezed me again. “Hell, yes, it can. I am all about Team Fuck That Horrible Day And Let’s Move On.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. Even Grey and Orsen were rolling their eyes and shaking their heads.
They weren’t who I was super worried about, though.
I shot a look at Bastian again, who wouldn’t look at any of us.
His hands were balled into fists, and I thought he might crack a tooth with how hard his jaw was clenched.
“Why don’t we go inside?” Griffin offered. “We can start boarding up the place to make sure it’s not been vandalized. You really have let this place go.”
Orsen shot a look at the cabin, and while he grimaced at first, he cocked his head and eventually nodded. “You know what? Yeah, let’s secure it for the future. It’s ours, and we’re all here again. Why not reclaim it? At least, once we know it’s safe.”
Grey patted him on the shoulder, Nix hooting in the distance as he already scampered off to the cabin.
“Not a bad idea.” Grey exchanged a glance with Orsen, a look that was apparently a conversation without words. “Let’s head in. Rowan, I think you need to…”
Grey jerked his head toward Bastian, and I realized what he was getting at. Bastian was taking this harder than I expected, he was far angrier. I needed to make this right. It was my mistake, my lie. If we really were going to move forward, we all needed to do it on the best foot possible.
“Right.” I bobbed my head, and Grey and Orsen walked back to the cabin with Griff. “We’ll meet you up there.”
Silence stretched as I stood near the dock with Bastian. He still stared straight down, fists clenched at his sides. I had no idea what to do or say. After a moment of indecision, I finally got up the courage to move closer, reaching out to slide my fingers around his forearm.
“Don’t do that,” Bastian said in a low voice, jerking backward, but I didn’t let him get away. We needed to do this.
Holding firm, I shook my head. “You can’t go. Bastian, I’m so sorry—I didn’t think… I know you’re pissed, and I get it. I just want—”
He shook his head, taking a step closer to me as I gripped his arm. “I’m not mad, Rowan. At least, not entirely. I was… Fuck, do you have any idea what went through our heads when we found out where you’d gone?”
When our eyes met, I couldn’t tell what I was seeing in Bastian’s. My chest squeezed, and I shook my head, my eyes burning with unshed tears.
“I’m sorry. It was wrong to leave like that.
I thought I would be back long before you found out.
Not like that makes it right, but…” I dropped my chin, swallowing hard before meeting his stare again.
“I made you come all the way out here. I’m sure you’re busy.
You didn’t need to deal with all that. I’m sure you have better things to do. ”
Bastian scowled, his voice a broken growl. “Better things to—Rowan, do you honestly think there’s anything we put above your safety? For fuck’s sake. I wasn’t angry that you went somewhere without telling us. I was terrified.”
We were standing so close to one another, I could see every freckle on his face, the dark intensity of his eyes as they focused on me.
There was the same layer of irritation and fury that was part of who Bastian was, but there was also so much pain, so much doubt and concern.
His eyes were even glassy, and every bit of composure I had fell apart, my free hand going to my mouth.
“Terrified?” I repeated the word, shaking my head, my voice thick. “I don’t… What do you mean?”
It made no sense. None of it did. I highly doubted Bastian could even be scared.
If anything, I assumed he would’ve been happy to get a little space from me.
After the handful of times we’d run into each other, after everything with his dragon, I’d assumed he’d want as much distance from me as possible.
“Yes. Terrified,” he said softly, but his eyes drilled into me, now refusing to look away. “You were gone, Rowan, to the very place we’d lost you. And I assumed—Fuck. My brain immediately went to dragon fire and death again.”
“I-I’m sorry. I didn’t… Over me?”
Bastian clenched his jaw again. “Yes, all right. I can’t keep you safe if I don’t know where you are. There’s nothing stopping you from being kidnapped or killed. We wouldn’t be there—again. I wouldn’t be there.”
“What am I supposed to think? Since I came to North Oak, you’ve acted like nothing would make you happier than seeing the back of me.”
His face cracked, his shoulders sagging. I’d never seen Bastian so tired. “All I want is to keep you safe, Rowan. You have no reason to believe it, I know. Hell, everyone’s told me how good a job I’m doing at communicating that, but yeah.”
I tilted my head, really looking at Bastian for the first time. “I know coming back here is probably painful… I’m sorry I gave you a reason to worry.”
“It isn’t. What made this place painful was losing you.
” Bastian sank into himself slightly. “Seeing you again was more painful than thinking about the cabin. It reminded me of all the ways I failed to keep you safe. The ways I failed you are all I can think about. You were gone, just gone, Rowan. And I’d done nothing. ”
Remorse wormed through me, and I thought of what I’d wanted to find here.
“But I’m not gone. I’m here, right in front of you.
Whatever happened back then… I can’t fix it or change it.
I only have now. And the same goes for you.
If you wallow in grief, you’ll never be able to enjoy the present.
That’s what I think I learned from coming here. ”
Bastian’s eyes flared wide, their surface so glassy and reflective. He shook his head, angling toward the lake. His gaze scanned over the surface as the silence hung, and then he sighed. “You know, you once pushed me off that dock into the lake. Caught me completely off guard.”
“I did?” I smiled, a tiny chuckle slipping through at the idea of me being able to sneak up on him.
Bastian smirked slightly. “Yeah. Nix dared you to. You were damn crafty, I’ll hand it to you, but I managed to grab you as I toppled, and we both went in together.”
“Sounds like Nix.” I laughed as I shot a look at the cabin.
Bastian was quiet for a moment, and I could sense the turbulence gripping him. “There are scorch marks on the wall next to the oven, too. Another memory trapped in this place.”
I’d noticed the marks, and my stomach pinched. “I saw them… Are you saying it happened when we were here? I assumed it was kids from town or something.”
He shook his head, the corners of his mouth turning down. “Oh no. That was you. You’re terrible at making popcorn.”
My mouth dropped open. “Excuse me? There is no possible way that’s true. I’m fantastic at popcorn making. I refuse to believe that.”
A wolfish smile tugged at his lips. “Well, in your defense… you were rather distracted.”
“Another Nix prank? Or do I have Orsen to thank for that one?” I asked weakly, my mind turning to just how I’d been distracted from my culinary adventures.
Bastian smirked, a tiny gesture as he narrowed his eyes. “No.”
For a moment, I didn’t understand. My mind was so wrapped up in the present that it didn’t add up, but then it hit me.
Bastian.
He’d been responsible, but more importantly, he was telling me about it. He was actually speaking to me.
I raised my brows at him. “That’s hard to imagine.”
Rolling his eyes, he licked his lips. “Can’t imagine why. I’ve been nothing but hospitable.”
I snorted out a laugh. “Did you just make a joke?”
With a grin, Bastian wandered over to me, stopping when he was just a few inches from touching me.
The weight of his presence settled over my skin, which erupted with goose bumps.
I’d always felt a pull toward Bastian—that was part of the mates’ package—but I’d never been close to him like this.
For the first time, I could feel genuine intrigue behind the draw of being his mate.
I was curious. I was interested—in Bastian—because he was actually giving me a chance to be.
“I—” Bastian stopped, his hand in midair as he reached for the side of my face. “If I lose you again…”
I sighed, a mournful smile stretching over my face. “I can’t promise anything, Bastian. I don’t control the future. But… I’m willing. Willing to try, to see what happens. I don’t want to leave. I want to go back to North Oak, back home.”
At last, Bastian’s touch settled on my face; it was like being struck by lightning and settling into a warm bath all at once.
“Home.” His voice was a whisper as he leaned in, his breath skittering over my lips. “That’s you, Rowan. You’re home. I will never be able to settle until I’m sure you’re safe. I don’t know what that means for us… but there’s no denying that my world revolves around you.”
But I couldn’t say anything in return, couldn’t even get out a full gasp, because in the next moment, Bastian kissed me, and nothing else in the entire world mattered.