Chapter 16 #3
Then she realized what she was thinking.
This wasn’t a love match, no matter what her mind was telling her.
Alastair didn’t see her that way, and she doubted he ever would.
There were moments when Arabella thought it was changing, but she knew that was just her head playing tricks on her. She wasn’t about to fall for that.
She wasn’t worthy of him. Lady Hartwood would be right about that.
A cold drop of water landed on her cheek, and she looked up to see that the clouds had gathered in, and they were starting to darken. A roll of thunder happened over her head, and then the rain started getting worse.
“We’d better get back inside!” Alastair shouted, grabbing her hand. “This way!”
Instead of heading back toward the orangery doors, he hurried her to another door, this one closer, and he pulled her inside. It was the library, the sudden quietness made Arabella hold her breath for a moment. She looked down and saw her skirt and shoes leaving wet stains on the rug.
“Don’t worry about that,” Alastair said, closing the door. “It’ll dry off. So will we.”
“I’m fine.” Arabella turned to him, watching as he leaned back against the wooden panel behind him, his hands behind his back. “Are you really all right? When I heard nothing from you, I got worried. I didn’t mean to come here without an invitation…”
“I’m not cross at you for that, and I’m grateful to know that you weren’t ignoring me, either.” He sighed. “I suppose Mother was watching me more closely than I thought.”
“You’re a grown man. Why can’t you be left alone?”
“She has her own reasons. Mostly that she doesn’t want us in loveless marriages.” He glanced away with a grunt. “She doesn’t have to worry about that when it comes to me.”
Arabella peered at him, wondering what he meant by that.
She could see that he was withdrawing into his thoughts, and she waited.
She leaned on the panel opposite him and watched the rain stream down the window, turning the previously blue sky into a dour gray, the sound of the rain falling ringing in her ears.
“I don’t believe in love,” Alastair said finally. “Well, I have difficulty believing that it’s real.”
Arabella was surprised by this admission, although she’d already heard that from him before. She waited, suspecting there was more. Alastair seemed to be softening around her, and she didn’t want to push him.
“My parents… they weren’t a love match. They had their marriage arranged, and she just admitted that she regretted not fighting back about it. As a result, they were both miserable, and Father… let’s just say he wasn’t a good man.”
“Was he… did he hit you?”
He nodded, and Arabella’s heart ached for him. He looked out into the garden, seeming to be lost in his own world.
“He was a controlling man. He thought his way was the only way, and he expected me to follow in his footsteps. But I refused to be a bully as well. I didn’t want to be like him, and I pushed back. He was unhappy about that. Called me a failure, and that I would be wasting my life like Mother.”
“And what about Helena? Was he just as harsh with her?”
He nodded, a shadow of pain on his face.
“He called her defective. That she was useless to him. Helena’s one of the toughest people I know, and she cowered in front of him.
Most conversations between them before Father died ended up with her in tears.
I would stand up for her, and then we’d end up in a shouting match. Arguments were normal in this house.”
He rubbed a hand over his eyes. “After witnessing what Mother and Father went through, I’m wary about marrying at all, especially for love. I don’t think it truly exists. If it does, it never came through this house.”
Arabella watched him, her heart cracking for him.
His parents had been in such a tumultuous marriage, and it had affected their children as a result.
Although she suspected that Helena was remaining somewhat optimistic about it from the way she’d been behaving with Edmund.
Alastair, on the other hand, was a tougher one to crack.
When it seemed like he was softening, he would withdraw and harden up again.
Given what he went through, she could understand why.
“Does your mother know about your reluctance?” she asked.
“She’s more than aware. It didn’t stop her trying to match me with someone else.
” He shook his head. “She seems to believe that I should enter into marriage and carry on the tradition of gaining an heir. Just like my father, grandfather, and so on. But if a loveless marriage affects children like it did with me and Helena, how can I do that?”
“A marriage doesn’t have to be loveless. And you might find someone you can actually love.”
He didn’t respond, but his expression said that he didn’t believe that. Arabella let silence stretch out between them. It was scary that something between two people could affect others around them, especially the mindset of small children.