Chapter 19 #2
“My apologies, Miss Sterling. You are of course quite correct and I hope you have not taken any offence.. If my wife were here I’m sure she would have prevented me from making such a blunder.”
“No offence was taken at all,” Clara said, inclining her head.
“I merely meant it as a compliment. I’m not sure anyone could ever replace you, Miss Sterling.”
“I concur,” Gerald said, the word slicing through the air, like an arrow aimed straight at Clara’s heart.
She had no chance to avoid it. They spoke a little more about the benefit, but in truth Clara withdrew from the conversation, contemplating Lord Ashcombe’s words.
Once again she was appreciated because of what she could provide.
The children were happily playing with Duke.
This time Sophia was joining them. Even she couldn’t resist the friendly brown eyes.
Since they had learned their lesson about the boat, Clara wasn’t worried about them doing anything reckless with Duke.
While they played, she and Gerald strolled around the garden.
Clara kept glancing over her shoulder, making sure to keep an eye on the children.
“You’re quieter than usual, Clara. Is anything wrong?”
“No, I just have a few things on my mind, that’s all.”
“Would you care to share?”
“If you care to listen.”
“I do,” he replied.
“First of all I was thinking about the children, and how one day they are all going to leave. I know it cannot happen, but part of me wishes that they could remain here forever, where I could keep them safe.”
“I imagine a part of being a parent is having to prepare them to face the world. At a certain point, there is nothing more you can do.”
“Then I wonder if I have prepared them enough.”
“Perhaps not just yet, but they still have room to grow, and much more to learn. I’m sure you have done more than the people who brought them into this world.
They are all the better for knowing you, Clara,” he said.
His words had the ring of authenticity about them and she hated it.
Why did he have to say such sweet things?
Why couldn’t he be rotten all the way through so that it would be easier to dislike him?
“When they leave, I wonder what is going to happen to me.”
“There will be other children, I suppose.”
Clara nodded with an absent expression in her eyes. “There are always more children, sadly.”
“Lord Ashcombe was right. There is nobody better to be in charge of St. Margaret’s. You will always do right by the children, and I’m sure that whatever accomplishments they achieve in life, they will have you to thank for it.”
“I see. Then I suppose I should forever eschew the idea of marriage because St. Margaret’s needs me more.”
“Is that what you believe?” Gerald asked.
“Perhaps you should tell me. It’s what you implied during our conversation with Lord Ashcombe.”
“Are you upset that we spoke about your marriage? I am sorry if it seemed we were being cavalier about the subject.”
“I’m not offended by that. It just seems as though I have more value here than anywhere else. Do you believe that?”
Gerald remained quiet for a few moments as he considered her words.
“I think you have found a place in which your natural abilities shine. You are firm, but fair. You can bring out the best in these children and make them laugh with glee, despite the griefs of their past. They may not have been born into the same family, but they have become brothers and sisters because of you. I assume you would take great pride in that.”
“I do, it’s just-”
Gerald interrupted her. “If you are worried that you are not needed, then I must say that you are mistaken. The children certainly need you. No one understands them the way you do.”
“You misunderstand me, Gerald. I… will I only ever be needed, never wanted? Is my only worth that which I can bring to others? Are there no innate qualities within me that inspire people to want me?” She lifted her gaze and looked at him directly.
“And what of you? You need me to pretend for you, but beyond that is there anything?”
She hadn’t intended to ask him such a direct question, but when it passed through her lips it felt entirely natural, and she decided there was no taking it back.
Once words were spoken they became a part of the physical world.
They no longer belonged entirely to her anymore, but were a shared experience and now it was Gerald’s decision about how to respond.
Clara pinched her dress and felt an uneasy and surprising wave of anxiety passing through her.
Gerald’s head lowered at an angle. He reached out and brushed his fingers against a nearby plant.
The leaves rustled. He opened his mouth, but at that moment she heard a cry from the children and spun around.
Her body faced Gerald. Her head faced the children.
“You should go to them,” he said, his deep voice bringing the conversation to an end. Was it an easy escape for him, or was this his way, or answering the question?
Clara closed her eyes. A long, shuddering sigh passed through her.
She should never have asked the question in the first place because neither answer would have been welcome.
Now it was clear. Gerald had never hidden his true intentions from her before.
Those kisses must have been folly on his part.
Perhaps he had managed to steel himself against the attraction they felt and was able to focus on the limits of their arrangement.
When it was all over, she had no doubt that he would return to his old life and she would return to hers, where she was needed, giving herself to St. Margaret’s because she would only ever be appreciated for what she could do.