Chapter 20
Chapter Twenty
“Tonight would be the perfect night,” Eleanor said as she fixed a bow in her hair. Gerald strode towards her, his black shoes shining, his clothes crisp and tight, somehow feeling like a suit of armor.
“For what?”
“A proposal,” Eleanor said, her eyes gleaming with excitement. Gerald did not snap at her this time, but he intended to try to do his best to dissuade her.
“I have already told you that I seek the perfect moment for a surprise, and that has not arrived yet.”
“What could be more perfect? Her parents will be there. We could all celebrate together and begin the plans for the wedding. It would be memorable.”
“Eleanor, I would appreciate it if you stopped this meddling. Clara and I will get married when the time is right and not before. It is not for anyone else to decide but us. Now please, do not bring up the subject tonight. I would not want things to become awkward.”
“They’re only going to be awkward if you don’t propose,” Eleanor mumbled.
There was a sullen look on her face, but Gerald wasn’t going to indulge it.
He was already trying to think about how to navigate the evening.
Agatha, her husband Theodore, Mary, and Alfred were all going to be present, and unless Clara specifically forbade it, he was certain that the subject of marriage would arise.
No doubt Alfred would be keen to have an update on his thinking, and with Eleanor in tow she might stoke the fire. It was not an engagement he was anticipating with any great glee.
Not to mention that the last conversation he’d had with Clara ended on a strange note.
He’d tried to be sympathetic with her. Clearly she had attempted to share something with him, yet he couldn’t help but feel as though he had wasted the opportunity.
Clearly, he had said the wrong thing or misunderstood something, although in the end he wondered if his biggest failing was in not saying anything at all.
Part of him did need her, but how was he supposed to admit that to her when he had only just begun considering the notion himself?
All of her qualities were established, and there was no doubt that she was an impressive woman in so many areas.
For some reason she did not seem to understand this herself.
Was it so bad to be needed?
He knew what it was like to have responsibility thrust upon him, and when he thought about it there were conversations with his father where he got the impression that he was only born because an heir was required.
That felt like a product of society, however and he had never considered it a negative thing, but for Clara it was, and it puzzled him.
Gerald and Eleanor were greeted warmly. Clara walked up to Gerald and inclined her head.
As soon as she drew near, he felt the air shift.
Tension ran through his fingers. His mouth grew dry.
The ambient noises faded into the background, so he almost didn’t hear Alfred inviting him to come for a drink, along with Theodore.
Clara’s beguiling eyes shone and all he wanted was some time to understand the unknown feelings in his heart, time to understand her.
But some luxuries were not even afforded to a Duke.
He held her gaze as he left the room, feeling a disquieting sense of emptiness as he grew farther from her, as though life was only full when she was near.
Gerald held his fluted glass more tightly than usual, for he was apprehensive about speaking with Alfred.
Thankfully, Alfred did not make reference to any proposal, so Gerald did not have to be placed in an awkward position.
They spoke mainly about the fundraising gala until they were called in for dinner.
The table was laden with roast duck, vegetables dripping in butter and herbs, thick gravy, and warm rolls. The air was enlivened by these smells, inciting his hunger. Everyone licked their lips and eagerly awaited the perfectly cooked meat as it was carved into slices.
“I hope you enjoy the food. This duck sacrificed a great deal for our appetites,” Agatha said, and everyone around the table chortled.
“I’ve heard that everything is in place for the benefit. You must be excited, Clara,” Theodore said.
“I am. It shall be fun, and it will be nice to have so many people supporting St. Margaret’s. It would be nice to raise enough money that we don’t have to worry about the future of the orphanage at all,” Clara said.
“I’m looking forward to seeing the flowers. I know you will have done a wonderful job,” Mary said, beaming with pride.
Clara inclined her head, then gestured to Gerald. They were sitting opposite each other. Gerald felt as though he was on an island with an ocean between them.
“I cannot take all of the credit. Gerald was kind enough to supply flowers from his own garden. He has a vast collection that would be the envy of everyone in London, save perhaps for Aunt Charlotte.”
“I am happy to help in any way I can. It is the least I could do to honor my Grandmother’s legacy,” Gerald said.
“I propose a toast to Rose, Agatha, Clara, and all the other women who have helped maintain St. Margaret’s over the years,” Theodore said, lifting his glass, directing his attention to his wife.
Gerald raised his glass and met Clara’s gaze.
He tilted it towards her and nodded, hoping to show the depth of his appreciation of her.
The coy smile she returned suggested that he didn’t quite manage to fully communicate this.
“It’s just a shame she can’t be here. She would have loved this,” Agatha said in a wistful tone.
“And she would have been proud to know that St. Margaret’s has lasted this long.
When we started, all Rose wanted was for it to last beyond her death, even if it was for just a day.
I’m sure she’s looking down on us, smiling, enjoying thinking about all the children we’ve helped. ”
There were solemn nods as they thought about Rose.
“How are you enjoying your debut season, Eleanor?” Mary asked, directing the flow of conversation towards a happier subject. Eleanor beamed in response.
“It has been getting better and better. I’ve been thrilled to attend so many wonderful events and meet many wonderful people. It’s more exciting than I ever could have hoped, although I have not met a suitor yet.” As she said these last words, she drew her head down and blushed a little.
“I’m sure it’s just a matter of time,” Mary said. “Patience is a virtue. All of us here can attest to that, isn’t that right, Grandmother?” Although Mary’s words were directed to Agatha, her gaze rested on Clara. Gerald noticed how Clara turned her eyes away, pretending to be focused on her food.
However, instead of eating, she moved her food around the plate. When this agreement came to an end, Gerald wondered if he should have a frank conversation with Alfred to ensure that he did not become angry with Clara.
It only felt right that Gerald should bear the brunt of the blame.
“Oh yes, patience indeed, although one should not rely on it. You, for example.” She looked at Gerald.
“You should ask the woman you love to marry you before it’s too late, otherwise she might not wait.
” Tension ran through his body. Gravy dripped from the slice of duck meat that hovered above his plate.
He clenched his jaw and stared at Clara, whose cheeks had paled.
Eleanor put her hand over her mouth. Mary and Alfred glanced at each other.
Then, Agatha spoke again. “Theodore, you must see the true meaning of my words, or do you require me to be more direct?”
Gerald was puzzled for a moment, until it became clear that Agatha had become confused and mistook him for Theodore, a much younger man. Theodore leaned towards Agatha and gently touched her hand.
“My darling, I already have asked you to marry me. Do you not remember? It was a fine day, the happiest of my life,” he said in a low voice.
Agatha turned and stared at him. She blinked quickly and then laughed.
“Yes, of course I remember. Why are you all looking at me like this? Clara, the children and I have been working on a surprise for the gala,” she said.
“What kind of surprise, Grandmother?” Clara asked. Gerald could detect the wariness in her voice, even though it may not have been evident to the others. Agatha smiled broadly and tapped her nose.
“It wouldn’t be a surprise if I told you, would it? And the children would never forgive me. You will just have to wait to find out, but I assure you that you’ll enjoy it.”
“I will have to trust that you are right,” Clara said.
Agatha chuckled and the conversation moved on once again, but her words lingered on Gerald’s mind.
They may not have been meant for him, not quite, but they still struck a chord in his heart.
He ate the rest of the meal quietly, allowing others to carry the conversation.
All the while he thought of Clara, wondering if he should set aside all of his previous notions and ask her to marry him.
But how could he do that when he had no notion of how to be a husband? Besides all that, Clara had stepped away both times he thought romance seized them. His world had burst in a vivid array of color, passion, and desire. He lost all sense of reason and control, whereas she had maintained hers.
It was clear she did not feel the same way as him as otherwise surely she would have returned his affections?
After dinner, the guests enjoyed a quiet drink in the lounge.
Eleanor and Clara were sitting together, deep in conversation.
Mary and Alfred were laughing at a shared joke, while Theodore led Agatha out of the room and into the gardens.
Gerald was left to stand alone, not quite knowing his place.
A short while passed before he noticed Theodore returning. Gerald left the room to seek him out.
“Excuse me Theodore, might I have a word,” he said in a low voice, making sure that nobody in the room behind him could hear.
“Of course, and I do apologize for Agatha’s abrupt departure.
It’s good for her to spend some time in fresh air in the evening.
It helps her to fall asleep, and it’s important she gets her rest. I hope you didn’t take any offence at her little mishap earlier,” Theodore chuckled, but his eyes were strained with worry.
Gerald quickly put him at ease.
“Not at all. I have spent enough time with Agatha to understand that sometimes she gets a little confused.”
“Not that she’d ever admit it,” Theodore joked, relaxing a little. “Now, what did you want to ask me?”
“I hope this is not too personal a question, but as I understand it you did wait a long time before you asked Agatha to marry you. How did you become so patient?”
Theodore nodded slowly and clasped his hands together. He pursed his lips before he spoke.
“It was not easy, and I’m not entirely sure it can be called patience. Some might consider it surrender, given that she married another man.”
“Yet you did not marry anyone, which suggests that you held out hope, or do I assume incorrectly?”
Theodore considered the matter for a moment and then tilted his head to the side. “I suppose you are correct. It didn’t seem right to marry anyone else as I knew I would never be able to love them as much as Agatha, and that seemed unfair.”
“So how did you do it? How did you carry this love with you all through your life, knowing that the day would come?”
Theodore chuckled.
“I was never sure the day would come, my boy. The thing about love is that you feel it even though sometimes it’s doomed.
I still loved Agatha, but I did not think we would ever be together.
And then a miracle happened, and thankfully I kept my heart open.
I suppose that’s what it’s all about really: being open to the possibility that things can change.
And when you meet someone you love wholly and completely, you choose them every day of your life.
You keep making that choice even when it’s difficult, even when it may not always be good for you, because really it’s the only choice you can make.
Love tends to make the decision for us,” he smiled and squeezed Gerald’s arm.
“Thankfully you don’t have to worry about any of that.
You have Clara standing beside you, and although Agatha’s words weren’t entirely meant for you, I believe her advice is wise, and you should heed it,” he said, smiling earnestly before returning to the room.
Gerald lingered in the hallway for a while, reflecting on these words.
The arrangement with Clara had seemed so straightforward at the beginning.
Marriage and love had been the farthest things from his mind, but now everything was becoming muddled, and the elements that had been added to his life were coming to seem fundamental.
It was difficult to see how he could go back to the way things were, but Clara had her own life, and she was proud of it.
From what he could infer, she almost saw being someone’s wife as a debasement, as though it was taking away her independence and her spirit.
Perhaps he didn’t have to worry about her courting Sir Mercer or anyone else after they were done.
She may not court anyone again, and neither would he, for he agreed with Theodore’s opinion that it would be unfair to marry anyone when a heart belonged to someone else.
So he and Clara would both be unmarried.
Somehow that seemed like a waste.
Would he have to wait another thirty or forty years to encounter Clara again and rectify a mistake, or was there something he could do now, something to convince her that she could be a wife, that he wanted her to be his wife?