Chapter 30
Chapter Thirty
“Miss Juliet Fane,” the butler announced. All eyes turned to the doorway. Juliet wore a faded green gown and scuffed boots. Her hair had been brushed, and a bracelet adorned her wrist. There were shadows under her eyes, indicating that she hadn’t slept. It was something she shared with Lydia.
Lord Harry turned around. The two of them stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity. Lydia and Victor were at the edge of the room, feeling a little like interlopers, but so many things had to be said among all of them that they could not afford the couple any privacy yet.
“Juliet,” he uttered breathlessly.
“Harry,” Juliet replied in much the same way. He took a step towards her. She followed. The distance was soon closed.
“I’m sorry for not telling you about the child,” she said.
“I’m sorry for not coming to find you,” he replied.
They spoke in unison, their words colliding in the air until they reached each other.
Their heads tilted towards each other, and the air fizzed with love.
It was so evident that Lydia could feel the susurrations in the room.
She had seen this kind of thing before, first with her parents, then with Charlotte and Nathaniel, and finally with Edmund and Rose.
The air seemed to shimmer, and it took on a magical quality as Lord Harry and Juliet became lost in each other’s eyes. They took each other’s hands and marveled at each other, this reunion having lived long in their imaginations, Lydia presumed.
It was like seeing a scene from one of her romance novels play out.
These two estranged lovers found each other again despite impossible odds.
If things had been different, they might have spent their whole lives without laying eyes upon each other again.
They would have lived separately, like half-beings, never quite sure where the missing part was, and this absence would have been felt so keenly that it would have prevented them from ever being genuinely happy.
But now, they were together again, and the sight was radiant.
Lydia considered it might have been selfish of her to be concerned with her own emotions at this moment, but she once again believed that this was a fate from which she would be deprived.
She would always be the one who observed romances but never felt them.
“Lydia and Victor told me what happened. I wish you would have come to me. I wish I had known,” Lord Harry said.
Juliet averted her gaze. “I know, but I was afraid. I feared…” She glanced towards Victor but trailed away. Lord Harry clenched his jaw.
“Nothing like that is going to happen again. Juliet, I’ve been so worried about you, and I’ve been absolutely torn up inside.
I’ve thought about you every day since we parted, and being without you has left me utterly ruined.
I know you’ve been through a lot, and I hate that you’ve had to go through it alone. I should have been there with you.”
Juliet offered a wan smile. “You always did like that I could take care of myself.”
“I don’t want you to have to do that any longer. I want to take care of you if you still feel the same way as we did before. I know it’s going to be different, but I’ve had a year of knowing what it’s like to live without you, and I don’t ever want to know that again.”
Juliet’s eyes sparkled. The wan smile turned more dazzling.
“I don’t want to know it either. The hardest role I’ve ever had to play was a woman who wasn’t heartbroken,” she said and then the smile faltered as did the energy from her words. “But is that even possible?”
All eyes turned towards Victor, who cleared his throat.
He seemed tamer than he had been the previous night.
Then, he had been wild, especially on the stage.
Lydia hadn’t been frightened of him though.
In fact, his complicated show of emotion had stirred a quite unexpected reaction, and she was still trying to comprehend it now. Victor stepped forward.
“Miss Fane… Juliet, I must apologize. While I tried to act with the best of intentions, they were not entirely reasonable. I should have been more considerate of my brother’s feelings, and I should not have been so judgmental about your profession.
I can see that you have made a great many sacrifices since we last saw each other, and you have endured a most arduous time.
I want you to know that you and Harry, and indeed John, can count on whatever support you need.
I have always tried to act in the best interest of my family.
My brother loves you, and you are mother to my nephew, so that makes you part of my family as well. ”
Relief washed over Juliet’s face. Lord Harry drew her a little closer and wore a proud grin. Unlike her Shakespearean namesake, this Juliet was getting a happy ending.
“I am most grateful, Your Grace,” Juliet said. “I promise I will not do anything to bring shame to the family. I shall always conduct myself with honor.” Victor inclined his head, and then Juliet bowed her head.
“We shall marry and leave London to be away from anyone who might threaten our happiness with rumors and judgment. We will find a quiet place where we can be together, just the three of us,” Lord Harry said.
Juliet smiled although there was a touch of doubt in her eyes. Her tone grew timid. “Might I… might I see John?” she asked. Her voice was almost a whisper.
“Of course. I will show you to the nursery,” Victor said, but Lydia shot out a hand and took his. He looked at her with surprise, and she gave a single shake of the head.
“Lord Harry knows the way,” Lydia said. Lord Harry and Juliet smiled as they walked off together. Lydia still held Victor’s hand. She found that now she had it, she could not let go. It was like an anchor to her.
“They should be alone, as a family. It’s only right,” Lydia said.
“Well, I suppose that is settled. They are together in the end. I should have known that it was always going to end up this way. I could have saved myself a lot of trouble. I must say, I will miss the boy though. It hasn’t always been easy, but our lives have been shaped around him and now—”
The words were too much, so were the feelings.
Lydia had felt the bubbling emotions threaten to pour out of her all morning, and now, they finally did.
Sobs came first, small, gentle things, but they quickly became loud whimpers, and the tears came falling down her cheeks, leaving a glistening trail behind.
Victor turned and stared at her with concern.
“Lydia…”
“Just ignore me. I’m being foolish and selfish. I am happy for them, of course, but it’s just…”
“You love John,” he said.
Lydia nodded, glad that despite how they had collided frequently, he understood that at least. Victor looked solemn, and he squeezed her hand.
“I know it will be an adjustment, but as you say, it is proper for them to be together as a family.”
“For a time, we were a family, and I was his mother. I shall never steal into his nursery at night, I shall never again bathe him or listen to him gurgle or watch him sleep. I shall never hold him close and feel as though everything is absolutely perfect with the world. I know this is right, but… why does it feel so wrong?”
“Because we took John into our hearts as well as our home. We did everything to make sure he was safe and cared for. We were thrust into these roles, and we became what he needed us to be. You more than me. You have acquitted yourself admirably, Lydia. I dare say there has rarely been a more natural pairing than you to motherhood. John would have been far worse off had you not been in his life, and because of you, he gets to be with his parents. He is fortunate to have had you in his life, even if only for a short time.”
“I just don’t know what I’m going to do without him,” Lydia said, and the dam to her feelings broke at these words.
They came out as shattered things. The sorrow intensified with tears stinging her eyes and burning her cheeks.
Shuddering breaths struggled to escape her lungs while it felt as though all the strength evaporated from her limbs.
It was only because she held onto Victor that she remained upright, and just when she felt herself faltering, he placed a hand around her waist, steadying her.
Lydia reached up, placing a hand upon his chest, feeling his constant heartbeat.
“I suppose it will be easy for you,” she said. “Life will go back to being orderly.”
“While I did miss my routine, I shall miss John more. As I told Harry last night, I learned a lot from him, and I consider myself a better man than I was before he came into my life. Before you…” His words trailed away.
Lydia looked up, staring into his eyes. He was a complete contrast to the way he had been on the stage the previous night.
Then, she thought it was quite possible for him to throttle her.
His touch had been rough and rushed whereas now there was nothing but tenderness.
He reached up and wiped the tears from her cheeks with his smooth thumb.
A tingle of excitement danced upon her cheeks and down her spine.
“I know it is wrong of me, but part of me never wanted it to end,” she admitted in a fragile whisper.
“I feel the same way,” he replied. She never expected to hear him say that, never expected them to be so united in these feelings. As she gazed at him, he seemed to transform. His features became softer, his eyes deeper, and his lips… She sought solace in them but only for a moment.
He leaned in, and terror gripped her heart.
It was already tormented enough. She had allowed herself to love John because the baby needed her, and perhaps in a way, she needed him too, but she couldn’t allow herself to feel these things for Victor.
She couldn’t take it. It would have been the easiest thing in the world to disappear into his kiss, but then so much hardship would have followed.
Better to cut the cord now.
She stepped back, increasing the distance between them.
His hand slipped away from her cheek, and the warmth of his touch disappeared with it, replaced by a chill so icy she might as well have been standing in the heart of winter.
There was dismay in his eyes, and this disappointment was so wrenching because it hinted at feelings in his heart, feelings that he should never have felt. Feelings they should never have shared.
Only her fingertips remained against his chest as she drew her hand away, and the faint echo of his heart continued against them.
“Now that John is with Juliet and Lord Harry, there is no need for us to continue this pretense. The matter is settled, and we can remain true to the agreement we made when this situation arose,” Lydia said, mustering all the strength she could to utter these words.
Then she drew her hands away fully and before he could answer, marched out of the room.
She hitched up her skirt and disappeared into her chambers where she collapsed on the bed in a heap of shuddering tears.
She was about to lose everything. She had already lost John, and now Victor was going to be gone as well, even though she didn’t love him.
She couldn’t love him.
She mustn’t love him.
This marriage had been a pretense, yet it felt all too real, and Lydia’s fragile heart was assaulted by strident emotions. She succumbed to them, like a wilting flower under the blazing sun. It was all too much… far too much.