Chapter 29
“Shall we dance?” Nathaniel asked.
“I…don’t think we ought to,” Dorothy said, not meeting his eyes. “You’re involved with Lady Amanda now, and I wouldn’t want her to get the wrong idea.”
“I’m not really involved with her,” Nathaniel protested.
“She and I went on a promenade one time.” He hadn’t anticipated this.
He had been thinking all day about sharing this dance with Dorothy and about the things the two of them would discuss while they danced.
He had looked forward to telling her all about his time with Lady Amanda and hearing what she was going to say about it.
“You may not have any sort of commitment to Lady Amanda yet,” Dorothy said.
“But you’re trying to create one, Nathaniel, and it won’t do for her to see you dancing with me.
That might make her question your feelings for her, and I wouldn’t blame her a bit if it did.
Did you notice the way she reacted when you stopped to say good morning to me on your promenade? ”
Nathaniel frowned. “Do you think she was upset about that? She was the one who went over and started speaking to you. I assumed she wanted that conversation.”
“Oh, I think she did,” Dorothy said. “But once you came over, something changed. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but she saw something on your face that gave her some doubt.
I suppose she recognized that you and I had a certain familiarity with one another, and that made her uncomfortable.
If we spend this whole evening together, she’s likely to feel the same way.
You ought to be dancing with her, not with me.
” She looked around. “Where is she, anyway?”
“I don’t know,” Nathaniel admitted. “That’s the trouble with a masquerade, isn’t it? She could be anywhere, and I wouldn’t know it.”
“You were able to find me,” she pointed out.
“Yes, but I know you better,” he said. “And…I’m surprised everyone doesn’t know it’s you behind that mask, Dorothy, to be honest. Your eyes give you away, and a mask can’t hide that.”
She bit her lip and said nothing.
“You know,” he said, “if you and I dance together…it’s not as if anyone will really know. No one will know it’s you. No one will know it’s me.”
“I knew it was you,” Dorothy pointed out. “But…perhaps you’re right. Perhaps it’s just that you and I know each other better.”
“I don’t think anyone else has recognized me,” Nathaniel said.
“If they have, they haven’t said anything.
Even Gabriel walked right by me without a greeting, and you would think he would recognize his best friend, wouldn’t you?
If he couldn’t place me, I don’t have much worry that Lady Amanda will.
” He held out his hand. “Dance with me,” he urged.
“I don’t think there can possibly be any harm in it. ”
She still seemed hesitant, and Nathaniel wondered whether something else was on her mind, stopping her from saying yes to him.
Had she been offended the last time they had been together?
He knew how he’d shocked her in that moment he’d forgotten himself and leaned in for a kiss.
He never should have done that, it was clear.
Perhaps he had bothered her so much that she was questioning being around him at all.
And then, just as despair had begun to set in, she accepted his hand and allowed him to lead her onto the dance floor.
His heart leapt. He realized in that very moment that he’d believed her to be lost to him. He had thought he might have damaged things between them so thoroughly that she would avoid him forever.
Now she was in his arms, and they were dancing, and it was such a mix of relief and joy that he could barely breathe for a moment.
He cleared his throat. The reason for this dance was to talk about his prospects. That was why he was justified in approaching her in the first place. He couldn’t forget that.
“So,” he said. “As you know…I spent time with Lady Amanda.”
“I do know,” she said. She wasn’t looking him directly in the eye. “Did you have a pleasant outing?”
“She’s very sweet,” Nathaniel said. “I think you were right. What you said to me about her, I mean. You were right to identify her as someone who might make a good mother.”
Dorothy flinched slightly. Nathaniel tried to understand why. Had he reminded her too unpleasantly of that day she had spent at his house? Something about it pained her, and it had to be the moment he’d nearly kissed her. I was so far out of line.
Perhaps he ought to apologize to her. That might be the only way of setting this right.
But there was no way to offer an apology without explicitly addressing what had happened, and he didn’t want to remind her of it on the off chance that wasn’t what she was thinking about.
He wanted to just let it fade from both of their memories so that they could move on and not have to think about his foolish moment of weakness ever again.
Talk about something else. Ask her something else.
There was only one topic that felt safe, and he seized upon it.
“So, Lady Amanda,” he said. “I want to make a good impression on her now that we’ve begun spending time together.
Do you think the outing in the park was a good idea?
I mean, if a gentleman had taken you on such an outing, would you have liked it? ”
“What does it matter what I would have liked?” She looked startled.
“Well, it might be the most effective way to gauge whether I’m making the right decisions,” he explained.
“I would like to think that I am. But I’m trying to figure out what would be most satisfying to a lady.
” He gave a self-effacing chuckle. “As you well know, I’ve never done this before.
And even though I’ve chosen the one I want to pursue, I still have need of your help. ”
“So, you have chosen, then?” Dorothy asked.
“It’s going to be Lady Amanda?” She was looking at him for the first time, and he suddenly realized that her eyes weren’t sparkling in the way he was used to from her.
They looked empty and flat. Was she ill?
No, she couldn’t be, or she wouldn’t have come here tonight, he reassured himself.
It was easy sometimes to see illness everywhere, but Dorothy was all right.
She was not herself, but whatever the reason for that, she would recover.
“I haven’t decided to marry Lady Amanda,” he said in answer to her question. “I think a bit more time is called for before I make a decision like that. But I do think she’s the best choice when it comes to who I want to pursue for the time being. You still agree with that, don’t you?”
“I think she’s lovely,” Dorothy said quietly. “That’s why I recommended her to you.”
“But you don’t think I should hold out a little longer in case there’s a better option?” he pressed her.
Dorothy sighed. “You know I can’t make that decision for you, Nathaniel,” she said.
“I can advise you on how to treat a lady and I can let you know who I think would make a good choice among the ladies of the ton, but I can’t make your decision for you.
Only you can determine who it is you want to marry. ”
“I suppose you’re right,” Nathaniel agreed. “I’ll just have to go on seeing her until I’m certain about it. But the park outing…you do think that was a good idea?”
“She seemed to be enjoying herself.”
“But I’m saying, if it had been you, would you have enjoyed something like that?”
Dorothy was tense in Nathaniel’s arms. “I suppose I would,” she said at last. “The fresh air, the sunlight…I do like going for walks in the park. I think that if…a gentleman were to offer me such a thing, I would be very grateful to him, and eager to accept.”
Nathaniel nodded. “What else might you enjoy?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, I can’t just keep taking her to the park over and over,” he pointed out reasonably. “I’ll have to come up with some new ideas. But I don’t know what they ought to be. If it was you, where would you like to be taken?”
She shook her head. “I don’t know why you keep asking me what I would like,” she said. “You ought to ask her these questions.”
“Aren’t you the one who agreed to advise me on these things?” he reasoned. “I haven’t stopped needing you, Dorothy. Your counsel is the only reason I’ve found my way to Lady Amanda at all.”
She flinched again. This time he really didn’t know what to make of it. Was it possible she just didn’t care for Lady Amanda? The fact that a lady would make a good mother and wife didn’t mean that she was necessarily a cherished friend. Maybe Dorothy disliked her.
To his surprise, that felt important. Could he marry Lady Amanda if Dorothy didn’t like her? The answer felt like no, and yet why should that stop him?
I don’t want Colin’s mother to be someone who has no friends of her own. That would mean there was something distasteful about her, even if she did make a good mother. Yes, that must be the reason. What else could it be?
The music drew to a close, and Dorothy stepped quickly and nimbly out of Nathaniel’s reach. “I ought to go,” she said.
“Wait. Couldn’t we speak more?” he asked. “I understand it wouldn’t be a good idea for us to dance twice today, but we could go for a walk in the garden, couldn’t we? There are plenty of people out on the path. There would be nothing scandalous about it.
She opened her mouth, and he thought she was going to say yes. His heart pounded with excitement, though it shouldn’t have. It was only a walk. Nothing to get excited about.
Before Dorothy could answer, though, two people came up beside them. A gentleman and a lady, both masked, so Nathaniel had no idea who he was looking at.
But Dorothy seemed to. “Violet?” she said. “Is something the matter?”
“Not at all,” the lady—Violet, she must have been—answered. “This gentleman here would like to dance with you. He was commenting on the beauty in the butterfly mask, and I told him that I knew you and could make the introductions.”
Nathaniel looked at the newcomer. He must have been a very shy fellow if he required someone else to make introductions for him. Surely a spirited lady like Dorothy would recognize that and would turn him down.
But to his shock, she curtseyed and smiled more openly than she had in the entire course of her dance with him.
“I would be delighted, my lord,” she said, and before Nathaniel had time to process what was happening, the gentleman had swept her away.
A new round of music began, and he watched them start to dance together.
His body was still awash in the excitement of the previous moment, when he had believed they were about to go out into the garden together. It was incongruous, feeling that way while watching this sequence of events. It disturbed him.
He was standing alone on the dance floor, he realized, and he quickly withdrew to the side of the room, his eyes still on Dorothy.
She was the life of the party in that mask, he realized. And he was the one who had now become what she had always called herself—a wallflower.