31. Chapter Thirty
Chapter Thirty
Leif
Two whole weeks since the last show.
Two whole weeks since I saw Aliko last.
I almost can’t remember the last time I kissed him.
No, that’s a lie. I do remember it. I’ve just thought of it so many times I can’t be sure I’m remembering it right.
Who am I fooling? Of course it’s right.
It was the morning of the show, before we left the room separately. We always left separately, but that time was special—because it was the last time. The last time we’d need to hide from everyone. He’d kissed me as I was opening the door. His hand was on my waist; his lips pressed gently to mine.
“I love you,” he’d said.
I only smiled in return.
I didn’t even say it back.
Is that why he left?
No.
Aliko knew I loved him—he knows I love him.
So why did he leave me?
And everyone else, too.
The manager checks in with me every day to see if I’ve spoken to Aliko.
They’re all worried about him, not knowing what happened or where he went.
From a business perspective, they’re freaking out.
I guess they were planning on another tour but without the drummer of the band, what the hell are they going to do?
I keep thinking he’s dead.
That’s where my mind is now. I don’t know why else he wouldn’t be here with me.
We had plans together and we were going to make more. We had our house, that technically he still owns. I’ve driven by it on a few occasions, just wondering if he’s there. He’s not. He never is.
The only thing there are the notes on the door letting him know they couldn’t deliver furniture because no one was there to sign for it.
That was our furniture. Our future.
And now it’s nothing.
My phone rings, and like every other time, I jump up to grab it. Disappointment strikes hard in my chest when I see it’s my mother, and then I feel guilty because I shouldn’t be disappointed in her calling me. I just wish it was someone else calling instead.
“Hey, Ma,” I say.
“Hi, honey. How are you feeling?”
“Like shit.”
“You still haven’t heard from him?”
When I got home, I called my mother like I usually do.
Visiting them after a tour is normal, but I had to call her to let her know that I wouldn’t be visiting this time.
I couldn’t. Then I word-vomited everything to her and even broke down in tears.
Since then, she’s called at least every other day to check on me and see if I’ve heard from him.
“No.”
“I’m sorry, hon. I’m sure you will.”
“Yeah, I hope so.”
But I’m not so sure anymore. He chose to leave me. Wherever he is, it was a choice. Something he decided to do.
I don’t believe he’s dead or hurt. I think he just chose something else. Something that was more important. Better. Easier, maybe.
“I was still thinking you should come visit. It’s your father’s birthday next week and we’re going to throw him a party. Everyone will be here.”
I sigh, feeling bad that I don’t want to go. I don’t want to be around anyone right now.
I just want Aliko back.
“I’ll think about it.”
“Honey—”
“Mom, I said I’ll think about it.”
“Okay, sheesh.”
“I have to go.”
“Take care of yourself, Leif. I love you. Call me if you need anything.”
Now I feel even worse for snapping at her.
“Love you too. Thanks.”
I end the call, drop the phone onto the couch, and lay back.
The couch has a permanent indentation of my body at this point.
It’s never gotten so much use out of me, and I’ve had it for about five years.
I can’t bear being in bed alone. It feels too big.
There’s too much space. The couch is better.
It’s pathetic but leaning against the back of it while lying down makes me feel less lonely.
Like someone is lying behind me, even though I know no one is there.
“Aliko, where are you?” I mutter to myself as I reach for the blanket to cover myself up.
Fall is coming and I feel it. Surprising, because I haven’t felt anything lately. Nothing but alone.
I take the drive to my parents’ house the following week, the day before my father’s party. He’s going to be sixty. I can’t miss this party.
The only cars in the driveway are my parents’, and I pull in behind them. The house door opens before I’m out of my car.
My mother smiles from the doorway, opening her arms when I reach her. She pulls me in for a hug, squeezing like she hasn’t seen me in years. It’s been a while, but not that long.
“I’m so glad you made it,” she says. “Your father will be so happy you’re here. How was the drive?”
“Boring,” I say.
“Come on then. I’ll make up your room.”
“You don’t need to do that.”
She waves me off as we step into the house. “It’s as simple as putting clean sheets on the bed and giving it a vacuum and dusting. Not that I don’t do that all the time, but you know…”
“Yeah, Ma. I know.”
“Your brothers and sisters will be so happy you’re here.”
I roll my eyes. We have a pretty simple sibling relationship. I’m not close with any of them. I’ve always sort of felt on the outside, looking in on all these jokes and things that I didn’t understand.
It’s a me thing, I get it, but it doesn’t change the way I feel.
I spend most of the time in my room, only coming out when my mother calls me for dinner. I spend a little time with them after we eat, watch a movie and catch up, but then I go right back to my room.
In the morning, I help my mother set up for the party. I hang decorations from the ceiling and doorways, blow up balloons until I feel like I’m going to pass out, and I pick up the cake.
My siblings are happy to see me, but not any more than I knew they’d be. I get comments like I always do, about finally showing my face. It’s nice to see all my nieces and nephews because they’ve grown so much since the last time I saw them.
The house is packed with our family, and though I can see the love, I really can’t feel it.
I wonder what they would do with Aliko here. How accepting are they of monsters? Do they have monster friends? What will they think of me dating one?
Why do I care?
I’m not sure I can even say I’m dating one anymore.
Everyone leaves pretty late, and I head to bed after letting my parents know I’ll head home tomorrow. My father says he understands but my mother looks disappointed. One of my brothers didn’t even say bye to me when he left.
I sleep like shit that night, but it’s no better than sleeping at home alone, so I can’t complain.
I wake up early, say goodbye to my parents, and jump on the road. I drive past my house and to Aliko’s, just to see if he’s stopped by. He hasn’t.
But I finally do something I’ve thought of doing so many times since coming home. I pull into the driveway, shut my car off, and pull the house key from my center console. I stare at it for a long moment, wondering if I should go in or not.
Aliko had the keys mailed to my house since he didn’t have a mailing address. I haven’t used the key yet because it didn’t feel right.
But maybe I could go in there and get everything ready. This way, when he comes back, he’ll have a comfortable home waiting for him.