Chapter 11
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Ashlyn
It’s Saturday night, and my mom has forced me to come home from the hospital and have a night off.
When I’m not working, I’m at the hospital.
I didn’t want to leave Seb, but it’s been five weeks since Taylor’s accident, and I’m exhausted, but I know Seb must be too.
He hasn’t left her side since she was admitted, and I feel guilty for coming home and leaving him.
The past couple of weeks have been a rollercoaster of emotions with Taylor suffering a second bleed and needing surgery again, to Sophie going into labor and giving birth to a beautiful baby boy.
I’m so pleased for Sophie and Cade after everything they’ve been through, but I’m heartbroken for Taylor, knowing she’s missing it all.
The doctors want her to be a little stronger before they attempt to wake her up, but I know after what Ben endured with his wife, there are no guarantees with a head injury.
It’s only just after eight, but I’m in bed.
I’m tired, but I can’t sleep. My phone chimes on the nightstand with an incoming message, and I throw off the comforter as I reach across, snatching it up.
Nerves erupt in my stomach at the thought that it might be Seb with bad news.
When I see Ben’s name on the screen, there are still nerves, but for a different reason.
I haven’t seen Ben outside of work since he came to the hospital shortly after Taylor was admitted.
Things at work are a bit awkward. We’re both keeping it professional, even though it’s not easy.
He messages me every day, and even with everything being so complicated between us, I still miss him.
Ben: Hey, Ash. How are things?
I’ve wanted to call him, to ask him to come to the hospital, especially when Paisley has Nash and Sophie has Cade.
I just wanted him to hold me and tell me everything would be okay.
I know it’s selfish, especially when Seb doesn’t have that support right now, but even in a hospital full of people, I’ve never felt more alone.
Still, I didn’t call him. This must be difficult enough for him having gone through something similar with his wife.
He doesn’t need me breaking down on him too.
Me: Hey, Ben. Tay’s still the same. It feels like a nightmare that’s never going to end.
My phone rings in my hand, and my stomach flips when his name flashes on the screen.
“Hello,” I say, answering the call.
“Hey, Ash. It sounds like you’re having a tough night. Why didn’t you call me? I’d have come over.”
I shrug, even though he can’t see me. “You’ve been through this once, Ben. I can’t put you through it again.”
He sighs. “I want to be there for you. I care about you.”
“I know,” I whisper, choking back tears.
“Are you crying?” I can hear the concern in his voice, and it makes me cry more. I want him here so badly, even if I have no idea what’s happening between us.
“I’m okay,” I lie. I take a deep breath to try and pull myself together.
“Are your brothers with you? Or your parents?”
“I’m not at the hospital,” I tell him. “My mom made me come home for the night.”
“So, you’re home alone?”
“Yes.”
“I’m coming over.”
“No, Ben. I’m okay, really.”
“I’m coming. I’ll be there in twenty.” The tears fall again, and I can’t catch my breath. “Ash, are you still there?” he asks when I don’t say anything.
“Yes,” I whisper. “Thank you.”
“I won’t be long, baby.”
He ends the call, and I collapse back onto the bed, completely overwhelmed by my emotions for him.
After hours of sitting in the hospital waiting room, I’ve had plenty of time to replay in my mind what he told me weeks ago at Taylor’s apartment.
We need to talk, but with everything going on, the timing never seems right.
I look a mess, despite showering and washing my hair when I got home. I should probably change, but I just don’t have the energy for it. Ben already saw me looking rough when Taylor was admitted to the hospital, so he’ll have to take me as I am.
Twenty minutes later, the intercom buzzes.
As I pass the mirror in the entryway, I catch a glimpse of my frizzy, air-dried hair and regret not at least tying it up.
But it’s too late now. I shift nervously from foot to foot after buzzing Ben in, eagerly waiting for his knock on the door.
When it finally comes, I swing the door open, and all the air leaves my lungs as I take in his appearance.
He’s wearing black skinny jeans and a white T-shirt that clings to his broad chest, his tanned arms bulging out of the sleeves.
I know all too well how those arms feel around me, and I can’t stop my eyes from scanning over him, my cheeks flushing with heat when he clears his throat, snapping me out of my daze.
“Hi,” I whisper, seeing a smile pulling on his lips before I drop my eyes to the ground and step to one side. “Come in.”
He brushes past me as he walks in, and my senses are overwhelmed by the familiar, woodsy scent of his cologne. I close the door and turn to face him.
“Hey,” he says softly.
“Thank you for coming. I feel bad that I’ve dragged you out so late.”
He takes a step toward me, hesitating briefly before reaching up and tucking a piece of my wayward hair behind my ear.
“You haven’t dragged me anywhere. You have no idea how much I’ve wanted to be here with you the past few weeks.
” His hand cups my face as his thumb gently strokes my cheek.
I lean into his touch, loving being this close to him despite how conflicted I feel about us being together.
“Seeing you at work and not being able to hold you... it kills me,” he admits.
“And knowing you’ve been here, crying alone. .. I hate it.”
His words hit me hard, leaving a dull ache in my chest, and I have no idea what to say. I keep wishing things were different, but they’re not, and there’s nothing I can do to change that.
“I just can’t believe this is happening to Taylor and Seb. They’ve only just found each other. What if…what if she never wakes up like…” I trail off, unable to finish the sentence.
He sighs and drops his hand from my face, pulling me gently into his arms. I go willingly, wrapping my arms around his waist and resting my head against his chest.
“I wish I could promise you that Taylor will wake up, baby, but it would be an empty promise.”
“I know.” I slowly lift my head, my eyes meeting his. “It must feel like you’re reliving what happened to Molly all over again.”
“I’m okay. It’s you I’m worried about.”
“You’re worried about me?”
He nods. “I don’t think you realize how much I care about you, Ash.
I know things between us are a little strained at the moment, but you’re all I can think about.
” I drop my head onto his chest, and he tangles his fingers into my hair.
“I probably shouldn’t even be holding you like this, but I can’t stop myself.
I know you have your family, but I’m here for you too, whenever you need me. ”
My eyes widen at his words. “I don’t know what to say,” I whisper.
He increases his hold on me and presses a kiss onto the top of my head.
“You don’t have to say anything. I just want you to know how I feel about you. I’m not expecting anything in return.”
I lift my head from his chest.
“Maybe we should talk. Do you want a drink?” I ask softly, stepping out of his arms and heading toward the kitchen.
When he doesn’t immediately respond, I glance back.
“Ben?”
He swallows hard. “Yeah. A beer sounds good.”
He looks tense, like he’s steeling himself for whatever’s coming.
I’ve never been afraid to speak my mind, even if doing that with him has been harder than I’d like to admit.
But there are things I need to ask, difficult things, before I can let myself believe this has a chance.
Parts of me are still holding back, and no matter how much I’ve missed him, I need to know where I stand.
Once we both have a beer in our hands, we move to the living room. I tuck my legs beneath me on the sofa and gesture for Ben to sit. He hesitates, then sits beside me.
I reach out and take his hand in mine, intertwining our fingers. His eyes flicker with surprise, and I give his hand a gentle squeeze.
“I’m not going to pretend that what you told me that night didn’t shake me.
It wasn’t just that you’re married,” I say quietly.
“I believe you when you say you and your wife planned to separate, and I get that it’s complicated and messy and not how anyone expects their life to end up.
” I pause, staring down at the bottle in my hand, picking at the label with my thumb.
“But you had a whole life that existed long before I came into it. A wife, even if it was ending, and a daughter. You were a family. I know that everyone has a past. I accept that. I’ve just been wondering where I fit into all of that, or if I do.”
I glance at him, my chest tight.
“What happens when your daughter looks at me like I’m the reason her world cracked wide open?
I don’t know if I can be the reason someone’s world crumbles, Ben, and as much as I’m trying not to listen, there’s a voice in the back of my mind asking what happens if this all unravels.
” I drag in a breath. “I’m not looking for guarantees, I know life doesn’t work like that.
I just need to know you’ve thought about it…
that you’re choosing me with your eyes open.
Not just because it feels good in the quiet moments, but because you believe in it even when everything else is falling apart. ”
The air between us thickens, but I force myself to keep looking at him, open, honest, and the most vulnerable I think I’ve ever been.
Ben’s quiet for a beat, and my stomach twists. My words are out there now, raw and honest, and I can’t take them back, not that I would. I needed to say them, and he needed to hear them.
When he speaks, his voice is low and steady.
“You’re right, Ash. My life was already complicated long before you walked into it.
But the time we spent together… it was like my world tilted.
I didn’t expect you. I wasn’t looking for someone, but I found you anyway, and suddenly, nothing else made sense anymore.
” His eyes hold mine. “You’re not the easy option, Ashlyn.
You’re the reason I started seeing a future again.
” He pauses. “I can’t promise it will be smooth, and maybe we will have to face questions and fallout, especially from Laney.
She didn’t take it all that well when I told her Molly and I had planned to separate, but she just needs time to process everything.
If it gets messy, we’ll navigate the mess together because I can’t imagine facing it with anyone else. ”
My heart thunders in my chest, and my breath catches. I hadn’t expected Laney to take the news of her parents’ separation well, but hearing him confirm it just compounds how hard this is going to be.
“I’ve thought about everything, Ash,” he adds. “Probably more than you realize. And yeah, I know what this means, what it could cost, and how hard it could get, but I still want this. I still want us.”
A lump forms in my throat and tears sting my eyes as his words sink in. His life is still complicated. None of that has changed, but I can feel the truth in his words. He wants this just as much as I do, no matter how tangled or difficult it might become.