Chapter 38
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
Ashlyn
It’s been a little over a week since Molly passed, and I’ve barely heard from Ben. He’s replied to a few of my messages, but that’s about it. I haven’t seen him in person since the night I stayed at his place, right before he got the call to go to Phoenix.
I keep telling myself to be patient. He’s grieving, and he has Laney to think about. I understand that, but no matter how much I try to be understanding, it’s hard not to feel like he’s slipping further away from me. And the worst part is, I don’t know how to stop it.
Paisley and Nash had their joint bachelor and bachelorette party this past weekend at the karting track in Prescott.
It was the last place I wanted to be, but Ivy practically begged me to go, and I didn’t want to disappoint Paisley, so I smiled my way through it, even though everyone could tell it was forced.
I guess when it comes to Ben, I’m not good at hiding how I feel.
Still, no one said, and for that, I was grateful.
I’ve just gotten home from school, and even though there’s work I should be doing, I can’t focus on any of it. When the intercom buzzes, I frown, wondering who it could be. I’m not expecting anyone. With a sigh, I push up from the sofa and walk over to answer.
“Hello?” I say into the receiver.
“It’s me,” Ivy replies. “I thought you could use some company. Taylor and Paisley are with me.”
“Hi, Ash!” Paisley and Taylor yell together in the background, making me smile despite myself.
“Hey, guys. Come on up.”
I press the button to let them in and unlock the door, leaving it on the latch. A minute later, they come spilling through, arms loaded with takeout bags and bottles of wine.
“We brought reinforcements!” Paisley calls out. “Figured you probably haven’t eaten.”
I let out a soft laugh. “You figured right.”
I don’t mention that I’m not hungry, though. Instead, I head to the kitchen, grab four plates from the cupboard, and set them out on the counter.
“How are you holding up, Ash?” Taylor asks softly as she pulls me into a hug.
I give her a tired smile, one that I know doesn’t quite reach my eyes. “Do you want the polite version or the honest one?”
She squeezes me a little tighter, her own smile tinged with sadness. “The truth. Always the truth, no matter how messy it is.”
I let out a shaky breath. “I’m struggling, Tay. I feel completely out of my depth with all of this. Ben’s pulling away, and I can’t figure out if I’m supposed to give him the space he needs, or if I should be fighting to stay close.”
My voice cracks at the end, and she immediately reaches for my hand, lacing her fingers with mine. “I just want to see him,” I whisper. “But I can’t show up at his door uninvited.” I pause, swallowing hard against the lump in my throat. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”
Without hesitation, Taylor tugs me closer, wrapping her arms around me.
A second later, Ivy and Paisley are there too, their arms encircling us, holding me steady.
Despite everything, despite how lost I feel, I can’t stop the small, grateful smile that tugs at my lips.
These girls are my family, and no matter what happens, I know they’ll always be here for me.
When we’ve all got some food, we move to the living room, all four of us squashing together on my small sofa. I push my food around my plate, taking small mouthfuls when I feel like one of them is watching me.
“Have you heard from Ben today?” Ivy asks gently.
I let out a sigh, leaning forward to set my barely touched plate on the coffee table. “No, not today. I sent him a message earlier, but he hasn’t replied.”
I glance up just in time to catch the three of them exchanging a look before Ivy, sitting beside me, reaches for my hand.
“Ash… Molly’s funeral is tomorrow. In River Falls.”
My eyes widen. “What? How do you know?”
She exhales softly. “Her obituary is online.”
“Oh.” A dull ache spreads through my chest, tightening with each breath. “Why hasn’t Ben told me?” I ask, even though I know she doesn’t have the answer.
“Are you planning on going?” Taylor asks hesitantly.
I don’t know if I should go. I want to be there for Ben and Laney, to support them, but if Ben blames our relationship for what happened to Molly, then I doubt he wants me anywhere near.
She was his wife. Maybe it’s not even my place to be there.
And the fact that he hasn’t told me when the funeral is… that says everything, doesn’t it?
“I don’t know,” I say softly, the words catching in my throat.
“Why don’t you call him?” Paisley suggests. “Or better yet, just go to his place. He probably wants to see you just as much as you want to see him.”
A flicker of hope sparks in my chest. “You really think so?” I ask hesitantly, nibbling on my bottom lip.
Paisley nods confidently. “Yeah, I do.”
I glance at Taylor and Ivy, who both nod in agreement.
“Should I go now?” I ask, still unsure.
“Yes! Go!” Ivy urges with a laugh. “We’ll stay here, drink the wine we brought, and wait for you to come back and tell us how it went.”
I can’t help but laugh too. “Okay.”
Twenty minutes later, I’m almost at Ben’s house when a wave of nerves crashes over me, making me question if this is the right decision. I want to see him more than anything, but showing up unannounced the day before his wife’s funeral might not be the best timing.
Pulling up by the curb, a little way from his house, I turn off the engine and pick up
my phone, hesitating before scrolling to Ben’s name. Taking a deep breath, I press the call button and bring the phone to my ear.
The line rings and rings until, finally, someone answers.
“Hello?”
I frown. The voice is male, but it’s not Ben. “Um… hi. Is Ben there?” I ask cautiously.
“Give me my phone,” I hear Ben say in the background, irritation lacing his voice.
“Well, you weren’t going to answer it, so I figured I would,” the other man responds.
My stomach sinks at his words. Was Ben screening my calls?
“Hey, Ash,” Ben finally says, his tone softer. “Sorry about that.”
“Hey. I just wanted to check in, see how you both are. If this is a bad time…” I trail
off, already feeling like it is.
“No, it’s okay. Just hang on a sec.”
There’s a rustling sound, and I assume he’s covering the phone. Muffled voices follow before, moments later, the porch light flicks on at his house. I watch as he steps outside, shutting the door behind him and then disappearing from view. He must have settled onto the steps.
“Ash, you still there?” he asks.
“Yeah, I’m here.”
“Sorry, that was my brother.”
“Your brother?” I ask.
He exhales heavily. “Yeah, he flew in for the funeral. Kirsten’s here too.”
I frown. We haven’t talked much in the past week and a half, but when we did, he
never mentioned his brother or sister being here, but I guess they would be if the funeral is tomorrow.
“How’s Laney doing?”
There’s a pause before he says, “She’s quiet. She won’t talk to me about Molly, but she’s opening up to Kirsten. The problem is, Kirsten has to go back to Phoenix after the funeral.”
“And what about you?” I ask gently.
“I’m okay… I guess. Just trying to be there for Laney.”
I swallow hard, my voice dropping to a whisper. “And who’s there for you?”
I wish more than anything that it could be me. If only he’d let me.
“I’m okay, Ash,” he says softly.
“I miss you.”
He exhales loudly, and I see the top of his head as he stands and paces the wraparound porch. “I miss you too.”
“When can I see you?” I whisper.
He sighs deeply. “I need some space, Ash. I need to be there for Laney, and my head’s all over the place.”
Pain spikes in my chest, and I can’t breathe. I want to be strong enough to
give him the space he needs, but I can’t help feeling that if I give it to him, he’s going to keep pushing me further away.
“I can’t shake the guilt, Ash. If I hadn’t told her about us, she might still be here.” I can hear the pain in his voice.
My heart hurts for him, knowing he feels this way. I hoped that, when he said it before, it was just the emotion of the moment overwhelming him. But if he still feels this way more than a week later, does he really believe he’s responsible for her death?
“Does Laney feel the same?” I ask cautiously. Last week, when I tried to reassure him that Molly’s passing wasn’t his fault, he snapped at me, and I don’t want to upset him again.
“I don’t know. We haven’t talked about it,” he admits, his voice laced with exhaustion.
“Maybe you should,” I say gently.
“Yeah… maybe.” He pauses, his voice dropping to a whisper. “I’m just terrified that she blames me too.”
The pain in his voice cuts through me. “I’d be there with you in a heartbeat if you’d let me, Ben.”
“I just can’t right now. I’m sorry.”
The tears I’ve been holding back finally spill over. “I’ll give you the space you need,” I say, my voice unsteady. “Even if it feels like it’s going to tear me apart.”
“I know I’m hurting you. I’m sorry,” he whispers.
I don’t know what to say. Hearing him say he needs space is breaking me. All I want is to be there for him, but he won’t let me in.
I swallow the lump in my throat. “I should go,” I say softly. Then after a beat, I add, “Night, Ben. I love you.”
Silence.
For a painful second, my heart holds on to hope. Then, finally, he speaks. “Night, Ash.”
That’s it.
My heart splinters as he ends the call and slowly heads inside, shutting me out in more ways than one.
I sit there for a moment, allowing myself to break down before wiping my eyes, taking a shaky breath, and starting the car. I can’t lose it yet. I have to get home first.
Twenty minutes later, as I step through my apartment door, I’m instantly grateful the girls are still here. The moment I crumble in the entryway, they rush to me, wrapping me in their arms and guiding me to the sofa, holding me together when I feel like I’m falling apart.
Once I’ve caught my breath and the tears have finally stopped, I tell them everything. Every painful detail of my conversation with Ben.
“God, Ash. I’m so sorry,” Paisley says, taking my hand and giving it a gentle squeeze.
Ivy shakes her head. “He’s grieving, Ash. He feels guilty for moving on when Molly never got the chance. But I’ve seen the way he looks at you. He loves you.”
“I agree,” Taylor adds with a small, reassuring smile. “He loves you, Ash.”
I sigh, my heart heavy. “Maybe love isn’t enough.”
“Then you fight for him,” Taylor says firmly. “Give him the space he thinks he wants… and then fight.”
I shake my head. “If it were just Ben, maybe I could. But it’s not. There’s Laney too. She’s barely speaking to him. She blames him for Molly’s death. How do we come back from that?”
None of them respond, and I don’t blame them. There’s nothing to say. If Ben lets his guilt consume him and decides to walk away, and God, I pray he doesn’t, there’s nothing I can do to stop him.