Chapter Four #2
I wasn’t a girl who slept with random guys, either. I’d only had sex with Charlie. I didn’t know what it’d be like to be with somebody else, and Charlie was the only one who knew my body well.
It didn’t matter if the sex was bad, only that it happened. On our way to his apartment, we came to the middle of a bridge that arched over a winding river.
Taylin reached out to grasp my shoulder, to tell me to stop. His hand was gentle, but even so, I flinched at his touch. “Hold on a minute. I want to show you something.”
We waited for a moment or two. Then, all along the river, lights began to ignite. Small lanterns that were placed in the water lit up, creating a beautiful halo that reflected upon the glass surface.
He was trying to be romantic. It was so sweet. Taylin really was a nice guy. I should’ve picked a bigger asshole. I wouldn’t feel so guilty about doing this.
Taylin leaned down. He closed his eyes and went to kiss me. I squeezed mine shut, willing myself to suck it up, to just let him do it so he could take me back to his apartment and get this over with.
But at the last moment, something inside of me refused, rebelling at the thought of letting anyone kiss me ever again. If they weren’t Charlie, they couldn’t compare, and no other man would ever be enough.
I pulled back. “Wait.” I held up a hand and put it on his chest. My plans fell through, and my heart dropped. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this.”
I couldn't even get past a single kiss. I was screwed, and not in a fun way.
Taylin frowned, but he didn’t seem disappointed. More like… concerned. He leaned on the railing of the bridge. “You’re still hung up on someone, huh?”
“Yeah,” I said, mouth dry. “My husband.”
His face fell. “Oh.”
I expected him to walk away, but he stayed. Taylin looked over the water. I rolled beside him to face the river.
“You guys separated, or—”
“Kind of. I gave him divorce papers, but he won’t sign them.”
“Is he abusive?”
“More like… he hurt me really badly. It was kind of an accident, but also, on purpose. It was also partly my fault. But it changed my life in a really big way, and now we can’t get over it.”
“I see,” Taylin said, and he looked down at my wheelchair. “I’m sorry. That really has to suck.”
He assumed whatever happened had something to do with my inability to walk. I didn’t correct him, because having my magic taken away had been just as devastating as losing my legs.
“It does. And I don’t know what to do about it.”
“So why are you out here?”
“I thought I’d find someone to be with. Because if I slept with someone else, then he’d have to leave.”
I shook my head. “I’m really sorry. It was wrong for me to try and use you like that.”
“I get it. You’re in a lot of pain,” Taylin said.
This stranger was being way too kind. He should hate me for what I tried to do to him. “That doesn’t excuse what I did.”
“What you almost did,” Taylin corrected. “Is your husband a good guy? Like, not just in your eyes, but actually good?”
“I don’t know. I want him to be. But wanting someone to change is a horrible reason to stay. I can’t fix him.”
“Maybe he just made a mistake. A terrible one, but I’m sure he feels bad about it now.”
“Of course he does, but feeling bad can’t change the past. He can’t repair this. And I’d rather be alone than face him every day knowing what he did to us.”
Because that’s what I was really mad about. He hadn’t just taken my magic. He’d destroyed our marriage. Even if I’d had a hand in it, Charlie had been the one to crush our relationship. I didn’t know how to move on from that.
“Either way, sleeping with strangers isn’t going to help,” Taylin pointed out. “This guy sounds like he’s crazy about you.”
“He wants to fight for us. I don’t think there’s anything left to fight for.”
“You don’t know me, so my advice shouldn’t count for shit,” Taylin said. “But you really want to know what I think?”
I looked up at him, and Taylin said, “Go home and try to work it out. Because the way I see it, if you’ve got something special like that, it’s worth exhausting all your options.
And if you were really done with him, you wouldn’t have stopped me from kissing you.
So even if you don’t want to admit it to yourself, there’s still something there.
Just don’t give up. Not until you’re ready to let him go for good. ”
“You’ve got a lot of perspective on this for a single guy.”
“My parents were divorced. It was a miserable time.”
“Were?”
“Yeah. They got back together, but they wasted twenty years fighting about shit that doesn’t matter,” Taylin said.
“And by that time, I was grown and finished with it all. Divorce has the potential to ruin families. It’s okay if you want to leave, and if it’s going to bring you peace, then maybe it’s the right decision.
But it’s okay if you want to fight for your spouse, too.
You’re the only one who can make that choice, and nobody should shame you for whatever decision you make. But by the way you talk about him…”
Taylin blew out a long breath. “I wish I had something like that. A lot of people do.”
His response was genuine and honest. “Thanks, Taylin. You’re a really good person. I’m glad I met you.”
“I’m just happy to help. You need a ride back to your place?”
“My friend can pick me up,” I said, thinking about how funny it would be if Taylin pulled up to the palace to drop me off. “Thanks, anyway. I hope you find what you’re looking for, Taylin.”
“Yeah. You, too.”
I called Eldin. Taylin looked pretty damn impressed by my fancy ass sportscar, but didn’t say anything, just waved farewell as we drove away.
The potion wore off once I got back to the palace. It was far past midnight by now, so I dismissed Eldin, as she needed to sleep. Another guard took her place for the night, though I told her to watch the entry to the tower so I could get a spare moment to breathe.
I was seriously thinking about following Taylin’s advice, going to Charlie and trying to talk this out instead of screaming at each other. I didn’t know if it would help at all, but at least I could make the effort.
But when I got back to our quarters, I heard voices. More specifically, Charlie’s voice. I wasn’t sure who he was talking to, but something held me back from interrupting. I paused with the door cracked open, holding my breath.
“I hate myself,” he uttered, sounding completely shattered. “But you know what? I hate her, too.”
I thought I’d known what devastation was. Nothing I’d been through so far came close to hearing those words escape his lips. A mouth that had once so dutifully proclaimed I was his alone had said he’d hated me, and meant it this time.
I didn’t belong here. I didn’t belong anywhere.
I slowly closed the door, and it clicked beside me. I turned my wheels, tears streaming down my face as I ran from my life, my problems… everything.
My husband despised me. I bet it wouldn’t be long before he left this room, going out to search for some other girl who could take his pain away.
I wouldn’t blame him if he tried. After all, I’d gone looking for someone else, and miserably failed.
Once I realized that— truly comprehended what I’d tried to do— the full weight of what had happened slammed into me.
Ancestors. I'd almost cheated on Charlie.
Misery, plain and cruel, overcame every part of me. I lost the person I had seen myself as, and turned into someone I didn’t recognize overnight.
This was no longer about Charlie. This was about me, because I was mortified that I’d allowed myself to sink so low merely because of what he did.
No matter how he treated me, I expected better from myself.
I didn’t think I was this kind of person, but now I realized that anyone could fall from grace if only the right circumstances presented themselves.
That knife Monica had taken to the gut should’ve been mine.
I should’ve taken the place of any one of those kids that had perished in the Darke Games.
I had died in the Infernal Underground, then cheated death when I came back.
My time of dying had been written, and because I’d manipulated the laws of nature to my will, bringing hell to earth was my prize.
Not anymore. I was making this right.
My mind formulated a plan. I had to go to a place where my loved ones wouldn’t find me.
Somewhere a guard or a servant would make the discovery, and definitely not someone I cared about.
I felt sorry for the poor soul who’d stumble upon me, but secretly, I hoped nobody ever would.
My corpse would decompose and my skeleton would be exposed to the elements, ivy vines and roses wrapping around my skull, my femur, my pelvis, laying there forgotten until the end of time.
It’d be poetic. Perfect. No one would remember me and no one would mourn.
I didn’t want them to. I wished to have no fragment of me at all that remained, no function, no memory.
Here one moment and gone the next, like the world and the universe were meant to do.
My life and existence didn’t matter, and I’d been foolish for believing they did.
I was nothing but dust carried away by the wind, and eventually, everything I loved would rot, too.
Might as well get it over with instead of continuing to sit here dwelling on it all, watching it all go down in flames.
I didn’t want to be left abandoned in the ashes. I wanted to go up in smoke with everything else, and it was my right to make that choice.
Two bad decisions in one night? Maybe. But I wasn’t bitching out on this decision like I had the first. Taking myself out would be easier than committing adultery.
I had options for how to do this, but I didn’t want it to hurt, and I didn’t want anyone picking up after me. I could only think of one way that would be quick and painless, and wouldn’t leave a mess. Nobody needed to clean up whatever I’d leave behind.