Chapter Four #3
I’d checked earlier, and Alistair didn’t have what I needed in his stores, which meant I needed to brew this myself. I had a personal stash of potion ingredients in the palace’s alchemy lab, and I was allowed full access. I could get exactly what I needed.
“Stay here,” I told the guard once she brought me to the lab.
She obeyed, standing watch at the door. I proceeded to the nearest cauldron, yanking leaves off of plants and pulling bottles down from shelves as I turned the faucet on, filling the basin.
I threw ingredients into the cauldron, working in a fever. “Foxsglove. Monkshood. Belladonna.”
None of these deadly herbs were anything you’d want to consume, even if you wished to die.
Once ingested, they’d have horrible side effects that lasted long before you perished.
Vomiting, unbearable pains, seizures, perhaps even hallucinations for hours before you finally corked off in a fit of agony.
All terrible ways to die, really. But the effects would be negated by the addition of Black Ivy, which would slowly render me into a soft slumber until my heart stopped.
A sleeping draft of death, really. Whoever discovered me would believe I was merely resting, until they realized I was failing to wake.
Black Ivy was banned from the palace, but the alchemists kept a very small supply they could use to add to potions just in case the monarchy ordered a poison to be made. It was in a locked cabinet, which I broke into using a passcode that I’d stolen months earlier.
Cassiel had been wise, but I was smarter than his contingency plans, and I think he knew that. I’d kept little things hidden away from him and everyone else just in case I needed to use any of that wisdom in an emergency. No point hiding it anymore.
There were only a few jars of Black Ivy. I took it all, tossing it into the pot. I stirred it twice, keeping a careful eye on the timer, boiling once and allowing it to cool before pouring it into a glass vial.
I didn’t think or feel during this entire process. Now that I’d made the decision to get this over with, the voices were quiet.
Guess they were finally getting what they wanted. It was almost worth it just to shut them up.
There was a separate exit to the alchemy room. I took it, leaving the guard behind. I prayed she wouldn’t get punished after I was found, but knowing Cameron and his jackass council, they’d make her pay dearly for allowing the princess to off herself on her watch.
It couldn’t be helped. If there was one person left who was harmed by my actions, it was one too many, but at least it would only be one, for now and the rest of eternity. That wouldn’t be the case if I didn’t die here and now. I’d continue to destroy people if this wasn’t done.
The gardens were a lovely place to take my final rest. It was difficult, rolling through the grass and hiding behind a grouping of rose bushes, but at least I was out of sight.
I shook the potion again, making sure the ingredients were blended before I uncorked the flask. I didn’t have a soul anymore since Charlie severed our bond, so I better not exist after I drank this, or I’d be really fucking pissed. Goodbye, everyone. It’s been one shitty ride.
Surrounded by thorns and fallen red petals, I slowly raised the bottle to my lips.
“You gonna take a second to think about what you’re doing?”
I paused. The glass hadn’t touched my mouth before he’d spoken.
Marcus. He was standing at the edge of the rose briar, looking bummed as all hell and staring at me.
He must’ve been the person talking to Charlie back in his quarters. He’d heard me close the door and come after me. Damn him.
I let the potion drop. “Don’t try to stop me. This is what needs to be done.”
“I know you think that now.” He sat on the ground, crossing his legs. “But you’re gonna realize you’ve made a mistake once you wake up dead.”
“There is no waking up for me, because I don’t have a soul anymore. I’ll drink this and it’ll be over.”
“That’s a long shot for something you don’t know for certain. And out of all the decisions you could make, this is one you really don’t want to mess up.”
“It’s not like I can fuck it up more than what I already have.”
“You can if you do this, because you’re denying yourself any chance you have of fixing it.”
“Don’t sit there and act like you understand. I don’t have any magic. What am I, if I can’t be who I am?”
“You clearly just brewed an excellent death potion.”
“Big deal,” I shot at him. “Anyone can make a potion with the right ingredients, even a human. You don’t even need magic for most potions.”
“Not anyone.” Marcus shook his head. “Potions are complicated. They require the right measurements, and you have to get the process right… it’s not something any old moron could do. Don’t doubt yourself. You’re still one of the most talented alchemists of our time.”
I scoffed. “There will be plenty of alchemists to take my place once I’m toast.”
Nonchalant, he asked, “You want to know how I tried to kill myself?”
It was such an odd question, and I didn’t know how to answer. It wasn’t something you asked in polite conversation, a topic most people would avoid.
Not Marcus and me. We could talk about shit like this and it wouldn’t matter, because that’s what we did. “First time, the rope broke. Second time, my parents got me to the hospital fast enough so the doctors could pump my stomach.”
“Two times?” I hadn’t realized he’d tried twice.
“I gave up trying after that. I figured I was just as shitty at killing myself as I was at everything else, and if I’d failed twice at dying, I might as well stick around to see what this world still had left to offer.”
He scratched his curls. “The first time, it was a really half-hearted attempt, so I wasn’t surprised it didn’t happen.
The second time, though, I was pretty serious, because I was desperate.
I was done with life and all its shit. But you know what was weird?
Before I passed out, I had the thought that I actually didn’t want to die.
And that one moment of emotional overwhelm had caused me to make a really stupid mistake. ”
He shrugged. “I’m not going to try and talk you out of it.
If you want to drink that potion, go ahead.
I don’t believe anyone should be forced to continue on in this life against their will.
But I’m also not gonna walk away and let you do this by yourself.
You go through with it, I’m staying here to watch. ”
“That’s cruel,” I spat. “Why would you do that?”
“I’ve already watched you die once, Ava. And the way I see it, it’s your choice if you want to keep doing this or not. I’m not going to let you die alone. But I will be really sad to see you go.”
Part of me knew I was being manipulated. It wasn’t like I was going to down this potion with an audience, especially not in front of one of my best friends. I was basically implicating him in assisted suicide.
But Marcus promised not to stop me. He knew what it was like. He wasn’t begging me to stay, like Charlie would, or trying to get me to see the light like Kallie would do. He was leaving it up to me.
“Give me one good reason why I should stay. Maybe I’ll think about it.”
“I can’t. There’s nothing I can tell you that will convince you this life is worth living. But what I can say is that you don’t know what tomorrow will look like if you don’t stick around to get through today.”
“I’ll be saving myself, and others, from suffering if I just end it all now.”
“You will be saving yourself from unbearable pain. But you’ll also be depriving yourself of incredible, undeniable, intense joy,” Marcus insisted. “Moving on from this life would spare you more suffering than you know now. But godsdamn, Ava… you’d really miss a lot.”
His words nearly moved me to tears. There was so much I’d miss out on if I decided to drink this potion.
I’d fail to watch my siblings grow up, to watch Ez get married and become a father to his and Opal’s kids.
I wouldn’t get to laugh with Kallie in the pool, or have another board game tournament with Marcus.
I wouldn’t get to have long talks on the beach with Daddy, or watch the sunset with Mama back home in Kinpago as dragons flew across the sky.
I wouldn’t get to make up with Ivy and talk shit with them behind people’s backs ever again.
I wouldn’t be able to sew dresses, do my hair, play with makeup or have dinner with my grandparents.
I’d never drive my car again, and feel the sun on my face as the wind blew back my hair.
I’d never run my hands through Oberi’s fur, or play the music I loved once this was done.
There was so much more of me that wasn’t tied to my magic at all. And the thought crossed my mind that I’d never, ever get to look into Charlie’s eyes again, or watch him turn into an old man, despite both of these things being as painful as they were glorious.
I’d been to the afterlife, and as awesome as it was, there was something beautifully broken about what one could experience in this life, because at any moment you could lose it.
Even if I could experience these things in spirit from the other side, it wouldn’t be the same as going through all those powerful emotions here, in the body I had now.
Everybody acted like the fear of missing out was such a bad thing. But maybe it wasn’t, if it gave you hope and kept you holding on for more. Even though there was no promise any of those things would continue to exist if I made the choice to keep going.
I could give up, accept defeat, and lay down to die. Or I could accept my mistakes, own up to what I’d done and do my damndest to fix it, even if that was impossible.
But I was pretty damn good at pulling off the impossible, and it wasn’t in my nature to be defeated.