Chapter Four #4
Not. Fucking. Me. I could wish for this to be over with all I wanted, but the game wasn’t over, and I was still playing. I could jump off, or get back on the board.
The smallest bit of determination held me back from making that jump. No.
When I failed to say anything, Marcus stood, holding out his hand. “You gonna pour that out?”
I shook my head, then handed the death potion to Marcus. “Keep it. For someone who deserves it.”
He subconjured it. I was glad it was out of my hands.
“I don’t want to go home.” I sighed, just wishing to get a break from my mind and the rest of the world.
I think Marcus knew it, too, and he gazed toward the lights of the palace. “Want to get some ramen?”
A half an hour later we were back in the city, sitting at a table on a rooftop that overlooked Ilamanthe.
Marcus had taken us to an all-night ramen bar, a place he used to hang out at when his bond with Kallie had broken and he needed some time to think.
I stirred the noodles that were left in my bowl, watching the runny yolk of the egg stream through the chicken broth while Marcus gobbled down his third pork cutlet.
I felt significantly better once I ate something. I hadn’t consumed anything in over twenty-four hours, and it hadn’t been helping my mood. At least I thought a little clearer.
“This is one of my favorite spots in town,” Marcus said. “There’s an open location next door that would be perfect for a tattoo shop. I’m thinking about setting one up. You know, once the war is over.”
He talked like the Warden wasn’t going to exterminate us any day now. And you know what? I loved that about him.
“Theater kid, bard, tattoo artist? Is that your creativity talking, or the borderline?” I teased.
“Hey, it’s not my turn tonight. Obviously, since I just talked you off the ledge,” Marcus said, coughing as he drank his boba tea too fast.
“I’ve been making bipolar decisions all night, honestly.” I rubbed my eyes. I was so fucking tired. Sleep would probably help reduce the crazy, but fuck all if I wanted to. Nightmares, you know?
“Do you really think your soul no longer exists?” Marcus asked quietly.
“I get your bond was broken, and you and Charlie share the same soul, but you each have a half, right? I share a soul with Dean, and though he’s gone my spirit is still sticking around.
If your soul has been split apart since the beginning, maybe you still kept your half. ”
“If I did, I would be able to talk to Oberi, and I can’t. I don’t think my spirit is there anymore. My half went back to Charlie, or it was killed when he took my magic. Something. I can’t feel my soul like I could before, so that must mean it’s gone.”
Marcus had forced quite a few drinks into me and I still felt dehydrated. I took a sip of mango tea and asked, “Where’s Kallie?”
“She’s giving you some space. She’s afraid you’re not going to forgive her for what she asked Charlie to do.”
“There’s nothing to forgive. She wanted to help me, but she changed her mind when I hurt you, and I get that. Sorry about that, by the way.”
“It’s cool. We all get into moods sometimes.”
I scoffed. Yeah. The moods that went around this friend group often ended up in people getting their souls ripped out of their bodies, or decapitated, or in sacred, eternal bonds getting broken apart. You know. Normal, average crazy people stuff.
“So, what prompted all of this? Besides the obvious.” Marcus fiddled with a chopstick. It flew out of his hands and sailed over the edge of the building, hitting someone on the streets below. They cried out, and he cringed.
“I tried to cheat on Charlie.” I made the admission easily, because it wasn’t hard to confess the worst of myself to Marcus.
Marcus’ eyes widened as he sucked down his tea, then he said, “Tried isn’t really a successful word.”
“No. It’s not.” I rested my chin in my hand. “I didn’t so much as kiss the guy before I stopped myself.”
“Why’d you do it?”
“If I sleep with someone else, Charlie will be disgusted with me and sign the papers, right? I figured it was an easy out… that was way harder than I thought it would be.”
Marcus frowned. “Even if you had gone through with it, I don’t think that would’ve made him leave.”
“You don’t know Charlie.”
“I know him better than you think. Do you really think you guys are gonna get divorced?”
“Probably. Our relationship isn't the same anymore. We can’t go back to the people we were. And if there’s nothing left to salvage, what’s the point in trying to save it?”
“By starting something brand new,” Marcus said. “You’re already at ground zero. Now you can start rebuilding brick by brick.”
“I don’t want him to help me rebuild what he knocked down. He did it once, so he’ll do it again.”
“You’ve just gotta do your best to see the good in him. You do that, he’ll see the good in you, too.”
“I don’t think it’s going to work out no matter how hard we try. After all, you know who I am.”
Marcus smiled. “The worst person in the world with the best heart?”
I emitted a lonesome sigh. “Yeah. That’d be me.”
Marcus stood, stacking our empty plates. “It’s kind of late. I should probably check on Kallie. She’s not doing too good right now.”
“You should be with her, not with me.”
“She knows you need me. But I’m gonna leave you with somebody I think can help you more than I can.”
He’d helped far more than he’d realized— he’d saved my life— but I wasn’t going to object when we headed back to the palace, because he dropped me off in front of Professor Hemlock’s door.
She was in her dressing gown, her long hair running down her back. I never realized how pretty Hemlock was, since she always had her hair tied up in such a no-nonsense bun. But now that her locks were unbound, I observed the famed beauty the fae were known for.
Her eyes crinkled when she saw me, and she instantly brought me into an embrace. “Oh, Ava.”
I was startled by her total acceptance as I wrapped my arms around her. “I thought you’d be furious with me.”
“I could never be angry with you, Ava.” Hemlock cupped my cheek, then moved aside. “Come in. I’ll put on some tea.”
I was full from the ramen bar, but Hemlock insisted on preparing a pot of cranberry tea and a plate of angel wing cookies. The powdered sugar fell from the cookies as my lips bit into the soft, pliable dough.
We sat on her balcony, which overlooked the ocean. Though it was late fall, the weather here in Ilamanthe was still cool, aided by the Mediterranean Sea. One of her blankets laid across my shoulders, warming me up.
“I’m sorry if I woke you up.” It had to be around early morning by now, but she didn’t look tired at all.
“You didn’t. I couldn’t sleep. Something’s been keeping me up.”
“What’s on your mind?”
“I’m not sure. I can’t quite put my finger on it. But whatever it is, it’s… electrifying. I think I’m about to go traveling again.” She gave a wistful glance toward the ocean. “My time with the Demigod Guardians has been appreciated, but I’d love to go on another adventure.”
“I hope you get to leave soon. Maybe when you get back, you can show my grandpa what you’ve found.”
Hemlock laughed. “By the gods, please don’t send your grandfather with me. Baine has gotten me into enough problems.”
“I won’t. I don’t even know what I’m going to say to him once I see him again, or anyone in my family. I can’t even talk to Mama and Daddy right now.” My parents were heroes, and here I was, proving to be the biggest mistake they’d ever made.
“They won’t push you. But they’ll be here when you need them,” Hemlock promised.
“I don’t even know why you’re here for me. What I did was unforgivable.”
“Perhaps in the eyes of some, but the fae don’t believe in absolutes, the idea of good or evil, or right or wrong. You made an error in judgement, yet the outcome isn’t as poor as it could’ve been.”
“You mean I sucked the biggest dick of all time and now I don’t know how to choke it back up.”
Hemlock smiled. “In all my years of teaching, no one could quite make as many phallic references as you could.”
She shook her head. “And I think that blanket is the most covered-up I’ve seen you be since I met you. You always did like to shock and surprise. I could never quite guess what you were going to do next.”
“At least I’m good for something.”
“I suppose you and Mister Wahkin are considering dissolving your marriage.” Her sharp eyes had caught that I wasn’t wearing my ring. Not a surprise.
“I served him papers.” I pulled the blanket she’d given me tighter around me. “It must seem like such a waste to you, since you married us.”
Hemlock gave a noncommittal shrug. “I loved my husband dearly, but I’ve been single since the time he died. Malovian sorceresses believe men come and go. Mates are lost easily in the throes of heroic deeds and monster hunting, but the one thing a woman can depend on is herself.”
“But how can I trust myself again? I hurt people, I hurt myself… I hurt the man I loved.” I wiped away tears with the back of my hand. “Charlie wants us to fight for this, but I’m so tired. I don’t see how we can mend this, or if we should even try.”
“You weren’t trying to hurt anyone, Ava. You were just looking for a way out. You still are.” Hemlock reached out to hold my hand. “But running from this isn’t going to solve your problems. You must pick up your sword, face your demons, and continue to fight on.”
“How do you stay so resilient? How can I figure out how to mend what I broke? How can I decide if this divorce is what I want, or if I want to save this marriage?”
She squeezed my fingers tightly. “One more day. That’s all it takes.
You exist to see one more sunrise, one more nightfall, then repeat that process for as long as you can.
Then, as time passes, the answers come. The gods will send you signs, signals and help along the way, and eventually, the pieces of the puzzle come together until you’re looking at the full picture.
And by that time, it’ll be so clear you’ll wonder why you didn’t see it before. ”
“How do I know what I’m fighting for if I don’t know what the ending will be?”
“You can’t promise yourself the outcome.
Only have faith it will come to pass. You don’t need to have all the answers right now.
But you do have to keep moving forward. There will always be those who are willing to battle beside you, if you know where to look.
You don’t have to fight for this marriage alone, or live a life in solitude if you decide your relationship is done.
There are people surrounding you from all sides that will support whatever decision you make, and your ancestors are here to guide you along your path. Let them show you the way.”
My voice wavered as I asked, “And what if I’m not brave enough to go after what I truly want? What if it’s going to take from me more than what I can give? What if I can’t… handle it?”
“Impossible. You’re strong, Ava, just like I am.
” Hemlock sat back in her rocking chair.
The orange rays of the early dawn beamed brilliantly across the creases near her eyes.
“Magic or not, you’ll forge this world into what you want it to be, because that’s what you’ve always done.
When you’re ready, you’ll take your fate into your own hands.
But first, you have to allow yourself to heal. And heal, you will indeed.”
We fell into silence. The voices, I noticed, hadn’t returned. Together, Hemlock and I watched the sun come up over the horizon.
One more day. If that was all it took to figure this out, I’d continue to be here.
Though I had absolutely no idea of what tomorrow would bring.