Chapter Eighteen #2
We were the only two people in here, but I felt as if the room was packed with my ancestors who’d come to observe me learn this ancient art.
It was as if my Grandpa Mitoh was helping me to draw back the bow, positioning my arms and giving me strength.
I wasn’t magical anymore, but I swore I felt his spirit beside me, teaching me where to aim and how far to pull the string back.
I let the first arrow fly. It sailed across the room and sank into the edge of the target. I beamed. I was sure I’d fail to hit anything and that would somehow prove I wasn’t meant to do this.
“Very good,” Daddy said in approval. “Let’s try again.”
I let a few more arrows fly, and each one I fired got closer to the bullseye than the last. With each arrow I felt the tension in my body ease, relief replacing worry.
“You’re a natural shot, Ava,” Daddy stated. “You’ll be an expert in no time.”
This was something I could actually do. I wasn’t sure how much good my arrows would do against the Warden’s godlike power, but at least I wasn’t waiting around. With these arrows, I could wound. I could kill.
And I could potentially stop someone from hurting my baby if they tried to come after him. It wasn’t magic, but the bow was a weapon I could wield all the same. I wasn’t completely defenseless anymore.
I laid the bow across my lap. “I want to practice every day. I need to be as strong as possible, and if I’m going to fight alongside the Firebirds, my shots need to be accurate. I have to be able to hit a moving target with my eyes closed every time.”
“If that’s what you want to do, I’ll train you until you’re the best archer in the Toaqua tribe,” Daddy said.
A relieved smile broke across my face— the first in weeks. “Thanks, Daddy. I don’t feel so useless anymore.”
“You’ve always been a great warrior of our tribe. You’ve had a fighting spirit since you were born, and taking away your ability to battle tore you apart,” Daddy said. “If we stick with this, I can make you a warrior again.”
“That’s all I ever wanted. To be able to defend people, and be brave.”
“You’ve never had a problem with being brave, peanut. Courage is one of your strengths. But you do struggle with being sure of yourself, even when your heart knows what it wants.” Daddy groaned as he sat on a nearby bench, taking a break.
I came beside him. “I can’t be sure of anything. I thought becoming a parent would give me all the answers, like I’d instinctually know what to do in every situation. If anything, it’s only given me more questions.”
“Your mother and I had months to think about becoming parents. Stepping into this role takes time, and you had none. I know you’re struggling to connect with Casey. That’s normal, and it doesn’t make you a bad person.”
“Then why does it feel like it?”
“Because you’re putting the expectations of other people onto yourself. Your life doesn’t have to follow their narrative. You can give yourself time to bond with Casey, and take all of that time you need. You don’t need to be head over heels in love with him tomorrow.”
“But what if I never make that connection? What if there’s so much broken inside of me that I can’t anymore?” That’s what I was truly afraid of.
“That doesn’t mean you get to leave him behind.”
“I shouldn’t be punished because I chose to sleep with a terrible man.”
“Casey isn’t a punishment, Ava. He’s a person,” Daddy said firmly.
“Daddy, you don’t understand. I feel so empty when I look at him,” I replied, voice aching.
“No child deserves to have their parent feel that way about them. It would be better for him if I could find someone who actually wanted him, someone who wants to be a mom and who could give him the world. What can I give him? Nothing.”
“You can give him everything he needs and more,” Daddy insisted. “That’s the Ava I know.”
“What kind of mom can I be? I’m in a wheelchair.”
“That’s a poor excuse, peanut, and you know it. That chair has never stopped you before. You’re looking for excuses.”
“Can you blame me?” I demanded. “What would you do in my situation?”
“What you want to do moving forward is up to you. But if you’re going to move forward, you need to be honest with yourself about what you want. Not follow the advice of others because it’s common knowledge on what you should do.”
“What I want is contradictory to what I think. My heart and head are at odds, so how do I know which one to listen to?”
“What does your head say?”
I scowled. “That what Charlie did is unforgivable. That I need to leave him behind me and never see him again, because I can’t allow him to get away with what he did.”
“And your heart?”
My lip trembled as I hushed, “I want my marriage back.”
Daddy remained silent. My voice broke as I stammered, “When I gave him the papers, he refused to sign them. He tried to force me into staying in this marriage because it makes him uncomfortable for me to leave him. And now…”
I gripped the bow tightly, willing it to give me strength.
“So much time has passed that he’s just giving up.
He’s not convincing me that he loves me— he’s just convincing me that he doesn’t want me to leave him.
Those are two different things. This divorce makes him uncomfortable, but he’s got to get uncomfortable to fix this.
He wants to run away instead of facing our problems. I want him to fight for me.
All he’s doing is allowing me to leave, without giving me reasons why I should stay. ”
“Have you given him any reasons why he should think you want him to?” Daddy asked.
I shook my head. “No. But I can’t do that until I’ve made up my mind.”
“Why do you need to make an ultimate, irreversible decision before you’ve even given this a shot?”
“Because it’s the responsible thing to do, to prevent us from hurting each other worse than we already have. Either we’re going to be together and raise this child, or I’m leaving them both behind me. It’s too painful to keep trying when I’m the only one who is.”
“Do you think it’s fair Casey has to grow up without a mother, because what happened between you and Charlie is too painful to face?” Daddy asked softly.
I shook my head. “No. I don’t want to do that to Casey.
But it’s a far worse reality for a child to be raised in a home where they’re unwanted and unloved by their parent than it is for them to be given to people who will truly care about them.
Casey’s going to know I don’t want him. Even if I say nothing, he’ll be able to feel it. ”
“That’s true. Sometimes, adoption is the better choice, and the right decision for everyone. Casey deserves to grow up in a place where he’s wanted. But is giving him up the right choice for you?”
“There’s no choice to make here, because the facts are obvious. I’m not fit to be a parent. I’m going to be a bad mom. I know I am. It’s better if he doesn’t come anywhere near me.”
“You are a wonderful daughter, a fierce friend, a very loving wife, and an overall good person, despite all your flaws. What makes you think you’ll be a terrible mother?” Daddy asked.
“This is a child’s life. I can’t make good decisions for myself, so how can I make them for a baby?”
“Because you don’t have a choice,” Daddy prodded.
“You’re going to be the one who decides how he’s raised, Ava, whether that be with you, with Charlie, or with someone else.
The best scenario is with you and Charlie together, but I need to know that’s what you want.
Because otherwise, you’re creating a broken home for that child to grow up in, and a marriage that’s nothing but suffering for his parents. ”
He leaned closer. “And for as much as you say you don’t care about this child, if that was true, you wouldn’t be falling apart under the pressure to do what’s best for him. You’d just choose the quickest method to run away, and you’re not doing that.”
“I am running away. I can’t even visit him without feeling disgusted,” I said bitterly.
“You’re thinking about letting him go so he can get whatever he needs, no matter what happens to you because of that choice. There’s no greater sacrifice a parent can make than that.”
My sigh was shaky. “I can’t be a good mom when I’m as sick as I am. And that means sick in the head, not in the body. I’m too mentally unwell to be a fit mother. Casey needs me to be better, and I can’t be. So it’s best to just let him go.”
Daddy paused. He didn’t say anything right away, as if weighing his options, before his next words shook me.
“You know, I had a lot of mental health struggles, too,” Daddy admitted. “I was worried about what kind of parent I’d be as well. And I think you guys turned out all right.”
“What are you talking about? You never told me about this,” I said, baffled.
“Because I didn’t want you to carry that burden, but I think it’s time you knew,” Daddy said. “I wasn’t the most mentally stable when you showed up, either.”
I supposed it made sense. My dad had experienced a great loss before he met my mother, and they’d survived a war, and had lost so many people they loved along the way. I shouldn’t be surprised.
“So what are you saying? You were depressed or something?”
“Or something. And a lot else,” Daddy confirmed. “Your mother caught me in the middle of a suicide attempt when we were in school.”
I was rendered speechless. I’d never known my father had gone through something that dark. “What would you have done?”
“Without her there? I would’ve jumped,” Daddy said.
“But if I had done that, there would be no you, your siblings wouldn’t exist, and the Hawkei Civil War would’ve been lost, because I wouldn’t have been there.
Your mother and all my friends would’ve died, because I wouldn’t have been there to fight alongside them.
I don’t put a lot of stock in the worth of my life, even as a chief.
Never have. But even I have to admit that if I had chosen to end my existence, the world would be a very different place than it is now. ”