Chapter Twenty-One #6
I thought about it for a few moments, but felt conflicted.
“I’m not sure. I love being there for him in every way I possibly can.
I’ve never loved anyone more— apart from you, but that’s a different kind of love.
I never thought I’d be a good dad because I didn’t have a good role model, but with Casey, I get a chance to be the man I never got in my life. ”
“That’s great, but listen to what you’re saying,” Ava said gently. “You’re trying to heal your masculine wound through Casey.”
I was dumbstruck by her insight. I’d never thought of it that way. “If I’m doing that, how do I stop? I still want to take care of him.”
“I’m not saying it’s wrong,” Ava insisted.
“I think it’s a wonderful thing that children can help you learn and grow, but you have to be aware of what’s going on so you don’t take it too far.
You can become your own role model, but you can’t end up relying on Casey, because he won’t be able to heal what’s broken.
I don’t want a baby to fix our marriage, because I don’t think that’s the right answer. ”
I was appalled by the suggestion. “No, never. To put that weight on Casey’s shoulders would be wrong.
He’s not a miracle cure, but I’d be lying if I said this kid didn’t give me hope.
But that hope can only serve as a catalyst for what needs to be done— for the work we need to put in.
We have to put that work in whether Casey’s around or not, or this is never going to work out.
I’m not doing this because we had a baby.
I’d have done this work with you regardless, because whether we have a kid together or not, I want you in my life.
I don’t just want to be a good dad. I want to be a great husband. ”
Ava nearly seemed like she couldn’t believe it. “I wasn’t sure until now. I thought… maybe you were doing this for him.”
“I’m doing this for us.”
She emitted a soft breath. “Oh.” The soft admission was the reassurance she’d been looking for, even if she wasn’t aware she needed it.
“I know this isn’t easy,” I whispered.
Ava nearly sounded choked up, though it wasn’t enough to let me in— she still wasn’t there yet. “Look at you— you’re so good at this gentleness. I wish I had more of that within me. Maybe if I did, I could be a better mother.”
“Ava, it’s not your fault.”
“But it feels like it is,” she admitted, and the slightest bit of vulnerability came through as she started to cry. “I just… I physically can’t, and it’s hard to know whether that’s just a state of postpartum, or if I truly can’t do it.”
Hell, if anything broke me, it would be this conversation. “You can do anything you set your mind to, because you’re Ava. Nothing stops you, and nothing ever has. You just have to get out of your own way.”
“What if I can’t this time? What if I’m going to be a bad mom?”
Ancestors, she couldn’t say that. It tortured me to hear that come out of her mouth. I didn’t know if this was the right move, but I couldn’t let her say that to me without doing something to comfort her.
I put my arm around her, bringing her close and trusting that this was the right call.
“You could never be a bad mom, okay? It’s not in you, because you were never a bad wife.”
I could feel her heartbeat thrumming against mine as she whispered, “How do you know?”
“Because I know who you are, and that’s not you. You don’t trust in yourself enough, but even after everything we’ve been through, I know you. You want to learn how to trust me more? Trust me with this.”
Ava sniffled. “I feel like shit, because I called you a bad husband. That was a cruel thing to say to you.”
“It was, because you know what? You were right,” I insisted. “I haven’t been measuring up to everything I could be lately. You’re pushing me to be the best I can be. That’s what marriage is supposed to do. So don’t blame yourself for it.”
“If you’re pushing yourself to be the best, I should push myself to be a mom, too, even if it’s not what I want.” Her voice cracked as she wiped her nose.
“You can’t do that with a baby. You need more time, so give yourself some.
I’ve got things handled until you’re ready to decide where to go from here.
Casey’s fine. He’s not going anywhere. But his mom needs to get herself right first, and so does his dad.
That’s the only way we’re going to figure things out. ”
She hiccupped, and it nearly broke my heart all over again. “I guess.”
I pulled her closer. “What do you need from me?”
“I need you to keep trying,” she said. “That’s what helps the most. So I don’t feel like I’m doing this alone.”
“I will,” I promised. “I’m here for you always.”
Ava began to sob harder. Her shoulders shook with the intensity of the emotional release, and I began rocking her back and forth. I didn’t press, just rubbed her shoulder and encouraged her to let it all out.
After a few minutes, her sobs quieted. When she finally spoke again, her voice sounded stronger. “I feel like I’ve been holding that in forever. Crying is such a vulnerable, feminine trait, and I’ve resisted it for so long. It feels good to let it out.”
She wiped the tears from her cheeks and sat up straighter. “We know what I need from you, but what do you need from me?”
I didn’t have to think about it. The answer was immediate.
“I need you to accept my help. You have to let me take care of you. It doesn’t have to be all the time, because I still want you to feel independent, but we have to get on the same page about what works for us, instead of you pushing me away until you can’t anymore. ”
“I can work on letting you in,” Ava agreed. “But that’s still my problem. What can I do for you?”
I mused on it for a few moments. “I suppose I could use encouragement. Like when I was building that fire and you were telling me I was doing a good job, it really helped. I want to know what’s helping you, so I can keep doing more of it.
I feel so lost if I don’t know what you need.
I haven’t known, not for a long time. I just want to make you happy, Ava, and I want to make my son happy.
If I can do that, I’ll figure out the rest.”
“Well, you’re putting forth the effort. That’s all I really wanted.”
“I don’t want to give up on what we are ever again, even if this really is over between us,” I admitted. “We’re not together yet. I know that. But I have enough hope that we might be able to build something new with the broken pieces we have. That’s all I want.”
Almost silently, Ava hushed, “Me, too.”
Warmth bloomed in my chest, and I drew away from Ava. Spirit magic glowed from the center of her heartspace, forming into an image in my mind as the magic transcended my physical body.
Ava grabbed my arms tightly as she went breathless. “Charlie, we’re glowing!”
I scrambled to find my tongue, swallowing hard. “I can see it. What’s going on?”
“It must be part of the spell my parents left us,” Ava remarked. She turned and began flipping through the journal. “It says we had to lay out our wounds and define our roles, and since we opened up and we’re on the same page, it must’ve triggered the magic.”
“Is the spell done, then, or what do we do?”
Ava read from the journal. “We still have to look into each other’s hearts to witness each other’s true intention. I think we have to…”
Her voice trailed off as her fingers trailed over my skin, inching their way toward my chest. Mesmerized by the Spirit magic emanating from her heart center, I reached out to touch it. Our fingers connected with each other’s heart spaces at the same time, and that was the moment everything shifted.
The world flipped upside down as the solid ground disappeared from beneath us. The sounds of rain pounding through the canopy disappeared, and the scent of smoke rising from the nearby campfire vanished.
I landed somewhere outside of time and space, inside some sort of vision.
The scent of raspberries filled my nose, reminding me of Ava, though I could no longer feel her across from me.
The only visual cues I received from the vision was the image of a pulsating light that glowed and dimmed with the sound of Ava’s voice.
“I didn’t want to end the world,” she hushed. “I only wanted to end people’s suffering. I was trying to create a new realm where suffering didn’t exist. I truly thought I was doing the right thing.”
She wasn’t defending herself— merely providing an explanation, and it wasn’t one I could dispute.
When this Spirit spoke to me in Ava’s voice, it wasn’t mere words.
It held all of her intention and infused everything she felt into my soul, until I understood her on a deeper level than I’d ever had before.
Ava had tried to explain this to me before, but until I felt it the way she had, I couldn’t understand.
Now I comprehended the agony of what suffering had done to her— the desperation she clung to, the desire she felt to ensure no one ever had to face the horrors she’d been through.
Tears pricked at my eyes, for I felt wholly devastated by the pain I’d caused through my misunderstanding. “I thought you were trying to kill everyone to get back at me,” I told the glowing orb. “I ended our bond so I could save their lives.”
“I wasn’t trying to kill anyone,” the orb replied. “I wanted to end everyone’s pain, and that was the only way I could think to do it.”
I squeezed my eyes shut to let the tears fall down my face, but the glowing Spirit remained in my vision. “I didn’t plan for anyone to get hurt, either.”