36. A（Lone）
JAE
36
The New Year was supposed to be a time for celebration, but for me, it was a reminder of everything I didn’t have. My employees were all on holiday, leaving the office empty and silent. I was alone in my penthouse, the city’s distant fireworks mocking my solitude. Holidays intensified my loneliness, sharpening the edges of my vulnerability.
I hated this time of year. It made the void in my life feel more cavernous, the silence more oppressive. My thoughts drifted to Verena. Things had changed between us, grown distant. I’d put her back in the box of “employee” where I could keep her close without feeling the sting of rejection. At least this way, I could see her every day. If I ever screwed up and told her how I truly felt, she’d be gone for good, and that was a risk I couldn’t take.
I knew she was at a local bar with Laura and Luke, ringing in the New Year. She never invited me to things anymore. The sting of exclusion was sharp, and I couldn’t shake the feeling of being left behind.
Before I knew it, I was grabbing my jacket and heading out into the cold. The air was biting, each breath a reminder of how raw and exposed I felt. I thought about my parents, how their memories were slipping away, growing fuzzier with each passing year. I thought about Auntie, my only family, thousands of miles away in Korea. Work was my refuge. Surrounded by people, I could ignore the gnawing loneliness. I could pretend that the woman I loved didn’t look at me as just her boss. I could avoid the reality that I was utterly alone.
The bar was packed when I walked in, the noise and warmth enveloping me. I spotted Verena instantly, laughing with Laura and Luke. She looked stunning, her dress clinging to her curves, her hair falling in soft waves around her shoulders. My heart ached seeing her like that, so close yet so unattainable.
The lights dimmed, and an emcee took the stage, announcing the midnight countdown. “Be bold,” he encouraged. “Start the year off with an anonymous kiss.” I saw Luke’s eyes light up, his gaze fixed on Verena.
No fucking way.
The countdown began, and the lights went out. “Ten…nine…eight…” The room was almost pitch black, filled with the excited murmurs of people ready to start the year with a kiss. My pulse raced as I pushed through the crowd, every second ticking away. “Seven…six…five…”
I had to get to her. “Four…three…” I was almost there, the darkness my ally. “Two…one…”
I reached her just as the final second passed, my hands finding her shoulders. I crushed my lips to hers, fast and hard, my heart pounding in my chest. The world fell away, and for a brief moment, nothing else mattered. Her arms wrapped around me, her body pressing against mine. The kiss was quick but intense, a desperate collision of longing and unspoken words.
It was over in a heartbeat, but it was enough. Enough to think about for the rest of my life. Enough to know that the only way she’d ever want me was if I was a stranger, some fool fumbling in the dark.
I fled before the lights came back on, my heart racing as I slipped out of the bar and into the cold night. The cheers and laughter of the crowd faded behind me, and I was alone again, the bitter wind biting at my skin. But for those few seconds, I’d had her. I’d kissed Verena, and it was the best start to the worst year of my life.