Chapter Fifteen
Three Weeks Left
My eyes flutter open to the warm sunlight that has filtered through the curtains. I stretch out my arms and a small groan escapes my lips. Yesterday’s events come flooding back to me and the exhaustion from the hike is still throbbing in my bones. That was probably one of the best sleeps I’ve had in a seriously long time.
Waking up in an unfamiliar bed, I blink a few times to get my bearings. Something feels off. My gaze darts around the room. It’s too still. There’s no soft breathing next to me, no scuffing of feet across the thick-carpeted floors. The bed is empty. I’m alone. Where the hell is he?
I shoot up from the bed and take a good long look around the room. Has he really done a runner? When nothing even happened? Just a weird almost-kiss. A sharp feeling of panic grips me in a way I didn’t expect. It’s strange, really. How Xander’s unexplained absence makes me feel more vulnerable than I care to admit.
So many different thoughts run through my mind. I try to push the negative ones away. He probably just went out for a walk… Although I, for one, have had more than enough walking. He wouldn’t just leave without telling me… would he?
But then all my worst fears hit me with full force. What if he is just… done, with me, with us? Is there even an us? Does he regret what happened last night? Holding me in my sleep? Telling me he liked my pyjamas? I look down at them now. My stupid pink pyjamas. Was it all a mistake to him? Am I just another awkward situation to run away from? Like he does with everything, with everyone else?
My mind spirals out of control. Each thought bulldozes the next in a frenzy I can’t stop. I furiously rub my face. There has to be an explanation. My hands slam down on the mattress and suddenly my fingers brush against something.
A crumpled piece of paper.
With a frown I hold it up and carefully unfold it. I let out a sigh of relief as I read the words scrawled across the page:
Gone to get brekkie, back soon :)
Xander x
All that panicking was for nothing. Oh, thank God. It’s fine, he’s just gone to get breakfast. My stomach unclenches and I allow myself to close my eyes and sink back into the bed.
I reread the note. For someone so smart he sure does have the handwriting of a little boy. A small smile tugs at my lips.
The events of last night play like a movie in my head. We’d got so close. My heart flutters and my body gives an involuntary shudder remembering how it felt when his gaze deepened as his eyes traced the contours of my hips, my waist. How my breath caught when our limbs had become tangled with one another’s. His soft murmuring voice in the dark. When he said how much fun he’d had, how much he likes spending time with me.
The question though is, Where do we go from here? I don’t know how we’re meant to act together now. Was this just a one-time thing or would it happen again? Would we ever be this way again or when we get back to the office will it be business as usual? Is he agonising over this situation the same way or is he indifferent to the whole thing? Having spent a day with him out of the city, out of work, I know that he’s nowhere near as blasé about things as he pretends to be.
I clamber over the super-king-size bed and grab my phone from the bedside table. Maybe a dose of the real world will give me some perspective. I run through the list of people I could talk to about this. I can’t call my family, not even Elif. They would want to know everything and there is really nothing to tell. Kinda. A few looks, some jokes exchanged, a night spent side by side. I mean, what would I even say? Hey Mum, hey Dad, I’m currently being tortured by inappropriate thoughts of my co-worker who has this weird aversion to love and will probably never see me as anything other than a friend – and if we’re really getting down to it I think friends might be an overstatement. Oh, and also he tried to sabotage my career, which you both hate. Mustn’t forget about that little tidbit. Yeah. Absolutely not.
I decide to talk to my friends instead. I tap on Amira’s name and hit call and then invite Maddie as well. As the phone rings, I bite my lip nervously.
‘Hi, Yara, everything okay?’
Amira’s voice comes through first. Judging by the grogginess in her tone, it sounds like I’ve just woken her up. Her face pops up a millisecond later and my suspicions are confirmed when I see the bleary look in her eyes. A twinge of guilt hits me in the stomach. Maybe I should’ve just waited. Maddie joins the call.
‘Hey, girly, what’s up?’
she says, unusually high-spirited for this time of day.
‘Were… were you with someone?’
I can’t help the curiosity nagging at my brain. It’s the only thing that makes sense.
‘Wha—I… No! Why would you even think that!’
She lets out a forced laugh that increases my suspicions further. It’s clear she doesn’t want to talk about it, so I drop the subject for now.
‘Right… Basically I just woke up. Xander’s gone to get breakfast and I don’t have long to chat before he gets back,’ I say.
Maddie laughs while Amira covers her mouth in shock. ‘No way,’
they both say simultaneously.
‘What?’
I ask, surprised. What are they both no waying at?
‘I take it you two finally caved, huh?’
Maddie says with a smirk.
Her words hit me and I stare at her in shock. Finally? What does she mean by that? The question suddenly makes everything feel a bit more… complicated. I mean more than it already does. Why would she think we’d slept together?
‘Oh God, no. No! Nothing like that,’
I rush out. Although I guess it was a little something like that – wasn’t it?
It’s as if I hadn’t said anything because Maddie carries on.
‘Well, it’s about damn time. You’ve both been dancing around each other for way too long.’
My mind races at this revelation.
‘Maddie, what are you talking about? What do you mean dancing around each other? I mean sure! We had a nice time yesterday. But I can assure you nothing happened. At least, not in the way you’re thinking—’
‘Uh-huh.’
This time Amira cuts me off.
‘So, you’re telling me nothing happened? C’mon, Yara, don’t bait us. You are wayyyy too worked up for “nothing” to have happened. We can see it in your face.’
‘Well, we…’
I worry I can’t describe it. It’s not about what happened but how it felt. The static that buzzes between two people who can’t stay away from each other.
‘We didn’t do anything. Me and Xander, we… just spent some time together and it was surprisingly nice. That’s all.’
I’m not ready to tell them about the almost-kiss. It’s too humiliating to put it into words. How it felt explosive and like everything I ever wanted and, then, he just… stopped. Got up like nothing happened. Leaving me on the the floor.
‘Right… okay,’
Maddie says slowly.
‘So, are you telling us you didn’t feel anything at all? No connection? No tension? There’s always been something between you two disguised beneath this supposed rivalry of yours.’
I contemplate her words. Something inside me has cracked open and it’s like I can’t stop the flood of emotions that have broken free. What if Maddie and Amira are right? Am I just pretending like it didn’t matter?
‘Well, we had the long drive and we were just so open with each other. Then, we went on a hike and had dinner together and it almost felt like a date, but it wasn’t. And to be honest I haven’t felt this…’
I pause, thinking about my next words carefully.
‘…at ease with someone in a really long time but the thing is I’m scared, you guys. I can’t—’
I feel my throat catch. Emotion rises in my chest. What if Xander ends up being another big disappointment?
‘Oh babe.’
Amira’s voice drifts softly over the phone.
‘We’ve been waiting for you to finally admit it to yourself. Truthfully, me and Maddie, even Andrew, thought you two had some sort of thing brewing between you. So, if it makes you feel any better, we’ve all noticed.’
Feel any better? I think it makes me feel worse actually. How can everyone in my life see something between us, but Xander can’t?
‘I—no…’
I stutter. I shake my head frantically.
‘I just don’t know if I can take that step with him, you know… He’s got things of his own he needs to face and what if he never does? What if it’s just a phase to him? What if I’m just not enough? And I can’t forget about what he said to Meagan. That worries me.’
‘If this is about Theo, you’ve gotta move on from him eventually, Yara,’
Maddie says firmly.
‘I’m not saying you should jump into something straight away with Xander. But if that is what’s holding you back and you’re afraid to get close to him because of what happened, you need to know that not every guy is the same. Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith.’
I feel a slight tightness in my chest at the mention of Theo’s name.
I put a hand to my face.
The last thing I want to do right now is talk or even think about my ex.
I’d been avoiding the topic for so long, but my friends have helped me realise that I’m not entirely over him. Or I am over him, but maybe I’ve not completely healed from his betrayal.
‘I haven’t thought about Theo in ages,’
I say. And it’s true. I try to remember the last time I really thought about him, the last time I stalked his or his girlfriend’s social media pages.
If I had to say, it would probably be around the time me and Xander started working together. My eyes widen at the realisation.
Amira has just started to say something when a shadow passes in my peripheral vision. Is it an intruder?
I freeze and my blood runs cold for a split second before my eyes settle on the dreaded ‘intruder’ and my body relaxes. There in all his glory is Xander, holding a paper bag in his hand.
He doesn’t say a word, just watches me with a calm, knowing expression. His gaze flicks between me and my phone in my hand.
A wave of anxiety crashes into me and my face flushes with embarrassment. Oh God, how much has he overheard? What if he heard everything?
I rapidly comb through everything I can remember saying in the last couple of minutes.
‘I’m so sorry, girls. I need to go. Let’s catch up soon,’
I say, my voice tight as I end the call.
After a few moments he breaks the silence.
‘I-I um… brought you your favourite, almond croissants,’
he says.
‘I hope you’re hungry.’
He dangles the bag in front of me.
‘You seem to know a lot of my favourite things.’
Xander hesitates before he drops his eyes to the ground, suddenly shy.
‘We’ve known each other for a long time.’
His voice is quiet.
‘You learn a thing or two about a person.’
‘Knowing someone a long time doesn’t mean you remember all their favourite things. Like what’s Meagan’s favourite pastry? Or Andrew’s? You’ve worked with them for longer than me.’
He smiles.
‘I notice what’s important.’
I look up at him, surprised that he would admit something that makes him seem so sweet and vulnerable.
There’s so much kindness in his expression, a quiet but urgent request for my approval.
I’m not sure how to respond, but I find myself giving him a genuine smile.
I can’t decipher all the feelings currently flowing through me.
Desire. Confusion. Frustration. I’m supposed to stay mad at him, after what he did, but right now I can’t find it in me. We can deal with all that messiness once we get back to the office.
‘Eat your pastries and get ready, we should probably get on the road soon. I saw a nice café on the way back here. We can get some writing done before we head back,’
he says all of a sudden.
‘Three weeks of solid work and we can get a draft to Meagan.’
Ah, there he is, that’s the Xander I know, who loves to avoid any subject that involves real emotions.
I can visibly see the walls start to build back up slightly, like he’s already bracing himself for the worst-case scenario.
That hurts me more than I care to admit but I’ll be okay.
I always am. With that he leaves and the room gets noticeably colder. Perhaps it’s a sign of what’s to come. Maybe I shouldn’t let myself get too used to him.