Chapter Fifteen
Dinner with Friends
Rachel watched Cal disappear through the doors, uncertain about whether to catch up with him to yell, hug, or kick him.
At this point, all three seemed like a distinct possibility.
Gathering up her blondie, she took a Thanksgiving cookie as well.
She’d leave the other one for Cal. Not that he deserved it, but Mrs. S should get as much feedback as she wanted.
After dropping the cookies on Cal’s desk, she walked out to her car, eating the last bit of the PBF blondie. Leave it to Cal to ruin her stress eating by piling on all sorts of new stress. At this rate, she’d have to buy them by the dozen.
Looking at her watch, she determined there wasn’t enough time to return to the office. She’d head home to change before dinner with Lisa, Lottie, and Adam. Maybe a drive would help clear her mind.
Except the trip home did nothing to settle her thoughts. The opposite, in fact. When she arrived at Lisa and Lottie’s house, she’d wound herself into a tight ball of conflicting emotions. She grabbed the tray of veggies and hummus she put together and walked around to the back.
Her spirits picked up just hearing their combined laughter as she rounded the corner. Thank goodness. Nothing got her out of her head better than spending time with good friends.
As she walked up the deck stairs, she stopped and stared. “Lisa,” she called. “Do you realize Adam is at the grill… cooking? Your grill?”
Lisa shrugged, “I allow it.”
Lottie leaned across the table to pat Lisa’s hand. “Your sacrifice and flexibility are duly noted.”
Rachel chuckled as she crossed to give Adam a quick one-armed hug before setting down her tray and taking a seat at the table. “How’s the wedding gown business coming along, Lottie?” Rachel asked.
Hearing Lottie talk about her current projects was everything she needed in that moment. It was amazing to witness her being so animated about doing something she obviously loved.
Adam put a glass down before her.
He gave a half smile. “I assumed you were having the sangria. No? I can get you something else.”
“No. No,” she blurted. “It just startled me, is all. I didn’t see you go inside. Sangria is exactly what I need. I hope you made it a double.”
Adam nodded, detouring to give Lottie a kiss before heading back to the grill.
It was a quick exchange, but it made Rachel ache.
She wanted what Adam and Lottie had—their closeness and obvious support, and the way they treated each other.
There was mutual respect and passion but also a gentleness that spoke of deep caring.
They also seemed to have an entire conversation in just a glance. It was a couple thing that had always eluded her. His casual smirk, her answering blush. The way he trailed his hand across her back, and she leaned into his arm.
It was gone in a flash but left Rachel longing to have that level of intimacy with someone. Where a simple touch spoke volumes. A shared look was a moment of deep connection. When words weren’t required to feel fully supported and surrounded by love.
“A double?” Lisa asked, pulling her from her thoughts.
“Oh yeah,” she said. “It’s been a day of sorts. I got into an argument with Cal.” Seeing her friends’ looks of concern, she walked through how today had unrolled at the office and the estate.
“That’s horrible,” Lottie said.
Lisa chimed in. “We might have to hurt him.”
God bless friends who had your back. “No. No need to inflict pain,” she replied.
She thought maybe he’d been hurt enough by the people who were supposed to love him.
Granted, her interactions with Cal’s parents had been brief, but she couldn’t shake the feeling that the issue between them ran deep and had some serious roots.
She couldn’t really fault him for getting angry about his parents being consulted about the software upgrade. He must have felt like the rug was pulled out from underneath him. Again.
“He apologized and was sincere about it.” She knew his apology was genuine and told herself to really hear that, but his original words still left a mark. She kept hearing them echo in her mind.
“I’m not going to maim him.” She looked at Lisa directly. “Because he messed up. We all do. So provided that he was truly sorry—which I think he was—we’re good. Besides, he isn’t a jerk all the time. He’s been… kinda fun to be around.”
“Is this the guy from Alex’s wedding?” Adam asked as he put plates on the table.
“It is. Small world, huh? But why do you ask?”
“Well,” Adam started. “If memory serves, he was kinda a jerk then too.”
“He was.” Even Rachel detected the hesitation in her voice.
“So he’s a good guy now? But not really? Sometimes?” Adam asked.
Rachel took a beat to look at her friends, unsure how to answer that. “Yes,” she finally said. “It’s complicated. Or rather, it seems to be.”
“The best ones always are,” Lisa said, earning a glare from Rachel.
“I’m all about forgiving people when they mess up,” Adam said.
He and Lottie shared a meaningful look. “We all have stuff in our lives—be it past or present—that we’re dealing with.
We never know what someone else is struggling with, so a little grace goes a long way.
” He removed food from the grill, tucking tin foil over the platter before walking to the table.
“That said.” His brows furrowed as he looked at her. “If he disrespects you or gives you a problem, Lisa and I can handle it.” Without looking at each other, Adam held up his fist, which Lisa promptly bumped, making an explosion noise.
Rachel wasn’t exactly sure if she should laugh or cry or both.
Lottie simply shrugged. “I’d be a liability, and they know it.”
“Absolutely,” Lisa drawled.
“And in the best possible way,” Adam said, kissing her head. He straightened up and announced, “The pork tenderloin is off and resting. I’ll just finish up a few things and then we can eat.”
As he disappeared into the house, Rachel asked the question that had been rolling around in her mind since her fight with Cal. “Do you guys think I’m closed off?”
“What do you mean?” Lottie asked. “Although my first gut reaction is hell no, but tell me more.”
“It’s just something Cal said. Well, actually he said it and there was an echo of it from my boss Seth, and lord, my ex Matt. God, when I put the list together, it sounds horrible. It must be true. Right? If others have accused me of this before, that’s probably the case, right?”
Wasn’t there some cosmic rule about hearing something from one person, dismiss it, hear it from two and there’s truth? Was she closed off? Removed from everything and everyone? Had she ever completely poured herself into anything besides work?
“Well, Cal apologized for it,” Lisa responded immediately.
“So we don’t think he really meant that.
And I doubt Seth would accuse you of that.
He may not know you very well yet, but that just takes time and relationship building.
Besides, it’s your job to be the objective observer, and give your clients that viewpoint,” Lisa said.
“So, what’s really at the root of this?”
Rachel fiddled with the edge of her napkin. She didn’t really want to discuss it, but she needed an outside perspective. “Cal apologized for what he said, but that doesn’t mean it’s not true or that there isn’t some truth in it.
“As for the underlying cause, I don’t know. It’s just that recently, I’ve been struggling with connecting with people. Since I broke up with Matt, it’s harder, or maybe he just put a spotlight on something I was always struggling with.”
“What did he say?”
“When we broke up, well, it was a fight, and it got ugly.”
“As they do,” Lisa chimed in.
“As they do,” Rachel repeated. “I’ve had a few boyfriends over the years, but nothing too serious until Matt.
When my previous relationships ended, I attributed it to being somewhat of a workaholic.
Not that I was okay with that, but that I was focused on my career, so it felt like a fair assessment. ”
“That’s not why things ended with Matt,” Lottie asked gently.
“You have to understand we were mid-fight. And yes, that I prioritize work came up. But what he said,” Rachel paused.
She wasn’t keen to open old wounds, but more and more she felt like this was one that hadn’t healed.
Perhaps it was time to open it up and flush it out.
Maybe if she did that, she could finally heal, or accept it, or dismiss it.
“He said I never showed up for the relationship to begin with. Questioned if I was ever really committed to us. Because even after all the time we’d been together, I was still a blank slate to him.
“He said I’d built walls around myself, and at the very least I should have let him see the real me. But all he or anyone ever got to see was the boring vanilla outside. Like I was a shadow of a real person.”
Rachel felt the stab of his words again. Damn Matt’s voice for living rent free in her head. But the question was, did he have a valid point? At the time, she’d told him to sod off, but in the time since, she’d questioned if he was entirely wrong.
“Well, now I really do want to kill this one,” Lottie said. Looking at Lisa, she continued, “I won’t be a liability. I can drive the car. Buy the supplies. Plan the escape route. Any action I can take to exact revenge.”
“That may work,” Lisa responded.
Rachel smiled thinly. “Thank you, friends. That means the world. But I think for now, the issue is does his theory have weight?”
“Fine,” Lisa said. “We can put a pin in the revenge portion. For now. But I reserve the right to re-institute the Whack Matt plan at a later date.”
“So noted.” Rachel chuckled then sipped her drink. Wherever Matt was now, he had no idea of the bullet he just dodged.
“Now, I haven’t met all your past boyfriends, but I can say from the times I met Matt and from some of your stories of him, he sounds pretty closed off himself.”
“I’m not sure I entirely see that, but I will mull that over.”
“What if the men you’re choosing aren’t emotionally available to you to begin with?
” Lisa added. “Couldn’t the situation be a both/and?
You pick people because you want to avoid losing control or feeling vulnerable.
They’re the safe choice which allows you to not risk your heart.
Or perhaps you haven’t found a romantic partner that makes lowering those walls worth the risk? ”
Rachel felt Lisa’s words land.
Hard.
When she’d lost her sister to Chris and then her parents to that damn car accident, it seemed as though her life had forever taken on the pattern of watching things she loved disappear before her eyes. One moment there, the next gone in a flash.
Matt said he couldn’t stay in a relationship with her because she was incapable of letting anyone in. Was Lisa right? Did she pick Matt because with him her heart wasn’t at risk?
Rachel buried her face in her hands and groaned, “This is so much easier when it’s someone else’s life. Why is it so hard to understand my own life? I should be better at this.”
“Oh no,” Lottie denied with a head shake.
“You’re right smack dab in it, which makes it hard to perceive the bigger picture.
Right now, you’re in the motion picture.
You need to take a step back and consider it from the audience's point of view. And when you can do that, take another step back and observe it from outside the theater.”
Lisa scrunched up her nose. “Are you even making sense here?”
Rachel raised her head. “Actually, she is. And so are you.”
“Well, that may be a first,” Lottie said. She and Lisa smiled at each other.
“It’s necessary for me to get that distance to see things clearly. But what I do know is that I’m a tad of a perfectionist.”
“I think that’s like being a little bit pregnant. It’s a yes or no situation, not something normally done by degrees,” Lisa said.
“Fine,” Rachel fired back. “I’m a closet perfectionist. And as I’m sitting here talking about Cal, I’m realizing he’s got that same controlling nature. He’s trying to make things work in his way.
“And I…” Rachel tried to find the right words.
“I hold people at a bit of a distance. And I do try to control the surrounding environment. Like Cal, I like to get things right. So perhaps Matt was correct? I never let my guard down to let him see the real me. Instead, I showed him the perfected version of me.”
“So maybe,” Lottie said, reaching over to hold Rachel’s hand. “It might be time to understand the why behind all that.”
Glancing at her two friends, she sighed. “I think you may be right.”