Chapter 57 #2
Entrap him?! Raye felt herself blanching, her head shaking, and Gaelfr had begun to look genuinely ill.
While Kalfr shoved off the bed, yanked on his trousers, and began pacing back and forth, dragging both hands against his hair.
“And this is why,” he breathed, more to himself than to them, “you kept seeking to feed and fatten her, a dozen times a day. This is why you were so eager for me to take her on the altars. And this is why” — he whirled around to stare at Gaelfr again — “this is why you refused to fuck your own mate, even when I kept offering you this! For the condition you set upon her was that the son must be mine!”
The hurt again roiled in Raye’s gut, together with more careening alarm, because of course Kalfr knew Gaelfr hadn’t been telling him the truth about that, all this time.
And wait, if Kalfr had known that, why had he still kept agreeing to it?
Why had they kept doing it like they had, on the altars, on the earth, so sweet in this very bed last night?
And… wait. Was it still part of Kalfr’s plan, too? Could he still be trying to bring her and Gaelfr together, to make him accept his plan today with Sybil? Or — could he still be planning to run off on them? To sacrifice himself to this?
“And you did this, Gael,” Kalfr continued, fully snarling now, “when you, more than any other, ought to know that any sons of ours will belong to us both! And did you think I would leave, if I was not the one to beget him? Did you think I would cast out your son? Thus, you needed to be sure you entrapped me with my own?!”
Gaelfr’s head was rapidly shaking, the despair burning through his eyes.
“No, Kalfr,” he insisted, between breaths.
“It was not thus. It was not. I swear to you, before the goddess. I only wished to help Raye. To help you both. To” — he dragged in a breath — “to grant you both all you deserved from me, after I failed you!”
But Kalfr’s eyes flashed again, his hands snapping to fists at his sides, and for an instant, Raye was sure he was going to fly at Gaelfr, and punch him in the face.
“And you thought we deserved this from you?” he snarled back.
“You thought Raye and Svein deserved more fear and danger, after what they have already borne? You thought I deserved yet more secrets and plots from you? And you thought I deserved” — his voice cracked — “another woman in my bed who did not fully wish to be there? Another woman who forced herself to bear my touch, for someone else’s ends? ”
Raye’s heartbeat spiked, and she hurled herself off the bed toward Kalfr, scrabbling to clasp his stiff hands in hers. “No, Kalfr!” she gasped. “Please. Listen to me. I wanted you. I always wanted you. I’ve never, ever stopped wanting you, no matter how much I tried!”
Kalfr’s gaze snapped flinty and skeptical to hers, his fists flexing beneath her fingers, but Raye clasped them tighter, searched him with wide, imploring eyes.
“I never got over you, Kalfr,” she choked.
“I couldn’t stop dreaming about you. Wishing you would come back.
Wishing I could go back in time, read your letters, listen to what you had to say.
Wishing I could do everything all over again, and learn to understand you, and to — to trust you. And Gaelfr’s right, I —”
She had to gulp for air, dredge up truth she’d perhaps never admitted even to herself. “I was so glad when Gaelfr finally barged in, and took over,” she whispered. “When he let me believe it wasn’t my choice anymore. My responsibility. Goddess, it was just — such a fucking relief.”
She couldn’t read the look in Kalfr’s eyes now, but she made herself keep going, spitting it all out.
“But every time I touched you,” she whispered, “every single thing we’ve done together — I wanted it, Kalfr.
I wanted you. I still want you, in every way you’ll let me have you.
I’ve loved being with you like this. I — I love you, Kalfr. I love you.”
I love you. I love you. Words that thudded like a deep, devastating drum, like a vow that could never be taken back. But Raye meant this, meant it so much it hurt — and Kalfr wasn’t arguing it now, was he? Was only still looking at her, something shifting in his eyes, as if…
“And you must — know that,” Raye said, her voice hitching into something imploring. “You must be able to tell. Can’t you? You must be able to smell it, if nothing else?”
But yes, there, that flicker in Kalfr’s eyes — he had to know the difference.
He had to. He’d so clearly known how it had felt when Sybil hadn’t really wanted him, and surely he would have known even better with Raye, wouldn’t he?
And why would he have agreed to be intimate with her, if he’d smelled it was wrong, or he’d sensed she hadn’t wanted it?
Why would he have taken her on those altars, or wanted to make a son with her?
And the son was part of it too, a crucial part, and Raye heaved another shaky breath.
“And of course I wanted another son with you,” she croaked.
“Svein has been — the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
I’ve loved having him in my life, getting to be his mother.
Having a family of my own. And how could I not want to experience that again?
Especially if I get to do it with you, this time. With both of you.”
She darted a pleading glance toward Gaelfr, who was still sitting unmoving on the bed, his face haggard and pale.
And though Kalfr’s shoulders sagged, his eyes hardened as he glanced toward Gaelfr’s face.
“And you truly still wish for Gael in this,” Kalfr said, heavy, not quite a question.
“Even after he bullied you into this. Even after he broke his vows of matehood to you thus, and failed to honour you, and guard you, and cherish you.”
Raye was already nodding, but then something skipped, caught her to stillness. Because — what did he mean, Gaelfr’s vows of matehood? His vows to honour her, and guard her, and cherish her?
Raye blinked, shot Gaelfr a searching, confused look, because yes, he’d made several vows to protect her, back at her cottage — but they’d all been for Svein’s sake, right? And they certainly hadn’t included anything like honouring or cherishing, had they? Surely she would have remembered?
But Gaelfr looked distinctly ill again, his eyes slowly closing — and Kalfr blinked back and forth between them, as grim, incredulous comprehension flashed across his eyes.
“Truly, Gael?” he snarled, with a lurching step back toward Gaelfr on the bed.
“You did not even swear the vows to her? You lied to me about this, also? This was another part of your plot?!”
What? Raye was entirely lost, now, staring helplessly between them — but Gaelfr wasn’t speaking, his eyes still closed, his face gone paler than she’d ever seen it. And what the hell did Kalfr mean, Gaelfr hadn’t sworn the right vows? Gaelfr was still her mate… wasn’t he?
“But — Gaelfr is still my mate, right?” she whispered, into the silence. “Because you’re my mate, Kalfr, and Gael is your ástvinur, so therefore he’s my mate, too. That’s how it works, with the Bautul. And that’s — that’s what got us all into this mess in the first place.”
But Kalfr’s breath escaped in a cold, angry laugh, even as his mouth bitterly twisted.
“No,” he snapped back, “this is not how it works. To fully gain you as his mate, Gael must yet swear the vows, and take you upon an altar, and call down the goddess’ blessing upon you and your union.
Without this” — he jerked a dismissive shrug — “he is yet your close kin-brother, and a second father to our sons. But he is not your mate.”
Not her mate. Oh. Oh. Raye’s chest seized, her eyes closing, while her thoughts swarmed with more stark, painful misery.
Because — no. Gaelfr had never spoken any vows like that.
And even if he had taken her upon multiple altars, now, it had always been about her and Kalfr, and Gaelfr himself had never called down the goddess’ blessing upon her, had he?
But — but why? Had he not wanted to? Had he still hated Raye that much, all this time? And surely that was why he hadn’t wanted to father a son with her, either. I should never have dreamt he could find worse than you…
Raye couldn’t bear to look up, now, folding both arms slowly around her bare chest, her head bowing low.
Goddess, what had she been thinking, with any of this?
Had she truly ever thought she could make amends, and prove this?
Had she believed that they would ever forgive her, let alone care about her, or trust her? Love her?
And worst of all, how could she have ever imagined that bringing another innocent child into this mess might heal them? And that their goddess might ever deign to visit her in a dream, and give her that child, and bless her?
No. It had all been a foolish, selfish delusion. She’d been stubborn, and greedy, and jealous. She would never be good enough, no matter what she said or did. She would never be able to atone for her sins. She’d failed. Failed.
Her throat was quavering, her lip trembling, and she was going to break down weeping, while Kalfr and Gaelfr watched — so she shoved sideways, away.
Swaying on her feet as she swiped unseeing for something from the nearby shelf — a dress — and wrenched it around her shivering shoulders before reeling toward the door.
She’d failed. Kalfr was furious with her, maybe still leaving her, punishing her, sacrificing himself for this.
And Gaelfr had lied to her, all this time.
Gaelfr had never been her mate. Gaelfr had never cared about her at all.
“Raye,” came one of their voices, and Raye couldn’t tell which, through the ringing in her ears. “What are you doing?”
It took all Raye’s strength to swallow down the sob in her throat, to find her voice. To say what she should have said, long, long ago…
“I’m giving up,” she whispered. “For all our sakes. For good.”