Chapter 50
50
‘How are we the ones getting hate?’ I exclaimed, flicking through the comments section of our latest video, which had been online for twenty-four hours now.
Abeo snorted. ‘I did warn you guys.’
We were in Chloe’s family townhouse in Belgravia, sitting in a circle on the living-room floor eating Ladurée macarons and drinking Yorkshire tea.
‘This is ridiculous.’ Sanjay grimaced. ‘I have no faith left in humanity.’
Chloe moaned irritably. ‘Mr Ex is getting hate too, but I swear we’re getting it just as bad. Looks like we’re all getting cancelled.’
‘We’re not getting cancelled,’ I replied. ‘If Mr Ex can brush this off, and he’s the one to blame for it all, we can keep going as normal too.’
Chloe placed a freshly manicured hand on her forehead. ‘I really want to get the police involved, but I’m under strict instructions from Felicity not to. I think Mr Ex has more stuff on her family.’
Abeo let out an angry exhalation. ‘We were so convinced we’d finally expose his identity this year. But it’s nearly Christmas and we’re still at square one.’
‘At least now we know it’s not one of us,’ Sanjay said. ‘None of us would hurt Felicity like this.’
Chloe snorted. ‘Did you seriously think it was one of us?’
‘I actually thought it was you at one point,’ he replied tightly.
‘Mr Ex got inside all of our heads,’ Abeo exclaimed. ‘Even I suspected all of you at one point or another.’
‘Maybe it doesn’t even matter who he is,’ I said. ‘He’s just a twisted stalker with far too much time on his hands.’
‘You can say that again,’ Abeo agreed.
‘We’re going to uni next year and we’ll all move on with our lives,’ I continued. ‘Mr Ex will be stuck in the same place, criticizing us in his pathetic way, and I’m sure a large chunk of the internet will continue to do that too. But it’s our choice whether we focus on that or the amazing things we’ve achieved through our platforms.’
‘Financial freedom,’ Sanjay said, counting off on his fingers. ‘Insane work opportunities. The ability to share our talents with a large audience. Being able to collaborate with top industry professionals. Enjoying each other’s company while creating great content.’
‘It’s true,’ Chloe said with a warm smile. ‘The good definitely outweighs the bad.’
I breathed out. ‘After experiencing all of this pressure and hate online, we should talk about the reality of being internet sensations and how it impacts our mental health. We could start some really important conversations.’
‘One hundred per cent,’ Abeo said enthusiastically.
‘Nothing can stay a secret forever,’ Sanjay said, and his eyes flicked to Chloe. ‘Everyone is eventually going to find out who Mr Ex is and he’s going to get what he deserves.’
‘It’s true,’ Chloe murmured. ‘We just need to stick together through it all.’
‘It can be frustrating sometimes,’ I said, ‘but I actually like that our friendship is also our brand. It means that we have to be friends forever, to stay in touch regardless of wherever life takes us.’
‘I’ll cheers to that,’ Abeo said loudly, extending his teacup forward.
We grinned as we clinked our cups.
As I walked home from Chloe’s, I decided to call Zara.
Now that we’d given each other some space to cool off, and things between The Exes had settled down, it was finally time for us to talk.
I pressed call, but it wasn’t going through. She must have blocked my number. I didn’t have her on any social media; we’d wanted to keep our relationship separate from my internet presence, which was inextricably linked to The Exes and copious gossip, drama, lies. But now I had no way of reaching out.
From the way I’d treated her, I wouldn’t be surprised if she never spoke to me again. She’d basically told me our kiss had destroyed her relationship with her parents and left her homeless, and I hadn’t known what to say or do. I hadn’t been there for her at all.
I found myself taking a stroll through a rather damp, cold Hyde Park, thinking everything through.
It wouldn’t make sense to go to Zara’s house. I didn’t even know what number she actually lived at. More importantly, it would be chaotic to just show up on her parents’ doorstep – the guy who’d kissed their innocent daughter in front of the entire world in the flesh .
The smart thing would’ve been to have given her the keys to my spare apartment in Chelsea, to ensure she was safe with a roof over her head. Why hadn’t I thought of that straight away? I’d been so fixated on Felicity’s accident …
When Speaker’s Corner came into view at the edge of Hyde Park, quiet and vacant, an idea came to me.
I’d seen so many people standing there to speak their mind, exercising their freedom of speech on topics ranging from politics to religion to art. And there was something I craved to share with the world today.
I pulled my hood off my head and waited.
Within seconds people began to recognize me and gather around. The crowd seemed excited to see me, but thankfully they didn’t come too close. They knew that when someone stood here, the words they shared mattered more than anything else.
‘Hey, I’m Karim Malik. Which you might already know.’ I laughed awkwardly. ‘The last few months of my life have been … hard. And I want to talk about it openly.’
The crowd grew large quickly, and pretty much everyone had their phone out. I cleared my throat and went for it.
‘I’m a member of The Exes. In case you haven’t heard of us yet – we’re British influencers. Our YouTube channel is … er, quite popular.’
Some people from the crowd cheered and I smiled.
‘This is a little different for me. Usually I talk into a camera, and it’s either a prepared script or everyday chatter. But today, I want to tell you a little about what’s really going on in my mind – the mind of a seventeen-year-old with a huge following online.’
A light spatter of rain began, but everyone stayed put.
‘The truth is that I’m … lonely. Despite all the fans, family and friends, this has been the loneliest year of my life. And I was so afraid to admit that before, but I’m not any more.’
I paused to let it soak in just how much I meant that.
‘Being online also feels exposing and painful. It hurts whenever I see a hateful comment about my personality, my skin colour or my religion. It hurts when my mistakes are displayed for everyone to judge. It hurts when I feel like I just can’t handle the mental pressure of saying or doing the right things all the time. It hurts when one of my best friends nearly dies because of that same pressure.’
I paused to get control of the emotion breaking out in my voice.
There was such a loud, appreciating cheer from the people around me and I felt steadier.
‘As a public figure, I know this is all part and parcel of the process. I’ve known that since I was thirteen, when I first started creating content as a job. I was a minor then, and I still am now. But I don’t want to carry on going through life in the same way and pretending I’m fine. I’m no longer afraid to admit it when things affect my mental health and relationships.’
A round of applause broke out, and my spirit soared.
‘I know that speaking honestly about my experiences can start some important conversations and raise awareness about the truth of what it feels like to be a young person online today, so that’s exactly what I’m going to do.’
The cheers were extra loud and encouraging this time. It was empowering to see that so many understood what I was trying to communicate.
‘Zara, I just want to talk to you directly for a moment. I know you don’t really want to hear from me right now, but I just hope you know how sorry I am, and how much I care about and respect you.’
I felt a heaviness lift off my shoulders, my chest, my heart.
‘It’s not fair how you’ve been treated. It hurts me to know that people in your life have been awful to you because of your association with me. I’m sorry that I haven’t been there for you in the way I should’ve been. You’re so special to me. I’ve only been able to weather the last few months because of you. I wish the world could know your heart because it’s so beautiful. Everything about you is beautiful.’
After quickly exhaling, I decided to just say it.
‘In case you don’t give me a second chance, I need you to know this. I love you.’
The screams that ensued were almost deafening.
This news was going to be trending everywhere soon, and I had no idea how to feel about that.
But it was my truth, and it felt good to let it all out.
‘Thank you for listening, everyone. And thank you, Zara, for giving me the opportunity to know you. To fall in love with you.’
When people came forward to greet me, to talk to me, I didn’t feel the urge to pull my hood up and run away like I usually did. I stayed for a long time and spoke with strangers about mental health, love, tolerance and the future.
My heart felt full.
But nothing gave me happiness like when I saw Zara’s message. She’d seen the video.
And she wanted to meet.