Chapter 51
51
At Tower Bridge on New Year’s Day, I leaned against the blue railing, taking in the view: soaring skyscrapers, a cloudy grey sky, the murky waters of the Thames.
It lifted my spirits.
As the cool winter air surged, I settled deeper into my wool scarf.
Things at home were the best they’d ever been. I’d moved back in after our family meeting, and we’d spent the next few weeks trying to build our communication and trust.
Now that the winter holidays had begun, I was able to spend ample time with everyone. Aisha baji had moved back in too, and Abbas and Saniya had transformed our house into a home again, filled with silliness, freedom and the laughter of children. Farhan bhai and Morowa came over often now. They’d been around for dinner yesterday: we’d played Ludo and Jenga, listened to Farhan bhai’s favourite Bollywood songs on full blast, and Morowa had baked the most delicious chocolate cake in human history.
Although they still weren’t the most expressive, Mum and Dad were glowing in a way they’d never done before.
They were happy.
We all were. At last.
I’d redownloaded all my social media. The gossip was still there, as were the judgements and taunting comments. And I hated the mere thought of seeing aunties and uncles at a community event, but I was dealing with it all. With time and the support of loved ones, I could feel myself becoming stronger, and I chose to focus on that more than anything else.
I was learning to be optimistic and strong-willed, and I liked this new Zara. It felt like the new year was truly bringing a new start this time.
I suddenly felt Karim’s presence next to me.
‘Happy New Year, Zara. It’s so good to see you. You made me wait long enough.’
‘Happy New Year to you too,’ I said, giving him a small smile. ‘Thank you for giving me the space I asked for. I needed some time for myself and my family. It just felt right for us to meet at the start of the new year, when everyone is ready to leave the past behind.’
He looked around, absorbing the beautiful view. ‘Why did you want to meet here?’
‘There’s a place nearby that does the best hot chocolate I’ve ever had.’
We fell quiet for a while, and I got the sense that he didn’t know where to begin.
He’d said so much to the world, declared his love openly for me, and yet here he stood at my side, unable to say any of it. The silence stretched like a rubber band, and I decided to snap it.
‘You really hurt me.’
I turned my whole body in his direction and took him in properly. He was wearing a grey hoodie with a black leather jacket over it. It looked like something Imran would wear. I tried to push aside the thoughts of him that were creeping into my mind, but, as always, it was impossible. We spoke all the time now, and he’d become a very close friend. He’d really been there for me through all of this stuff with Karim.
‘I don’t even know how to apologize, Zara. But I’m so sorry. I wish I could go back and do things differently.’
His dark gaze caught mine, and suddenly all I could think about was that kiss …
‘I’m glad it happened,’ I said. His brows creased with confusion, and I smirked. ‘That kiss – and everything else between us. I’m sorry I said all those awful things on the phone. I didn’t really mean it. I was just hurt.’
Karim grinned. ‘I’ve got to admit it – angry Zara’s quite frightening.’
I snorted and elbowed him in the chest. Something had felt very wrong until this moment, but now that we were together, face to face, reconnecting, things felt OK. Better than OK.
‘So, about Speaker’s Corner,’ he said sheepishly. ‘I hope I didn’t terrify you by professing my love for you in front of the entire world.’
We laughed awkwardly.
I looked down and played with my scarf. ‘Erm, it did catch me a little off guard. I hadn’t expected it. In fact, after the way we left things, it seemed like you’d never even think about me again.’
‘Zara, I think about you all the time. I didn’t know how to reach out to you, so I shared my truth in whatever way I could.’ Karim paused to take hold of my hand, and my fingers intertwined with his instantly, naturally. ‘There’s no pressure from my side, by the way. But whenever you’re ready, I’d like to know how you feel too.’
‘I have strong feelings for you,’ I said. ‘Whenever we spend time together, I just want to stay with you forever.’
His answering smile warmed my heart. ‘Oh, I know the feeling. So … does this mean we’re still kinda … together?’
If I rejected Karim now, everything we’d gone through would have been for nothing. The hope in his eyes was too potent, too familiar, because it was the same hope I felt for us.
I found myself nodding. ‘I want to keep getting to know you. Just so long as your overbearing fans don’t start making weird names for us. Karizara sounds awful. Like some strange new curry flavour.’
He chuckled, picked me up and swirled me around, making me giggle, reminding me of the first time he’d ever done that. My favourite memory. When he put me down, I looked up at him and felt a little giddy at how much he made me feel.
‘But can we take things slow? There’s just so much going on with my family, A levels stress, university stuff. Unwanted social media stardom.’ I paused to roll my eyes, and he chuckled. I silently added my feelings for Imran to the list. ‘At this stage of my life, I need to figure myself out.’
‘I understand and respect that completely. But just so we’re clear, I meant it. It wasn’t something I said on the spur of the moment. I really have fallen in love with you.’
I blushed deeply. ‘It’s too soon for the L word, don’t you think?’
He shook his head. ‘I know how I feel about you. But I think it’s good we’re taking it slow. I want to be the best version of myself for you, and that might take a little time too.’
A fluttery sensation sparked in the pit of my stomach and leaped its way across my entire body. There were so many girls the world over who wanted Karim Malik’s heart, and here he was handing it over to me so casually …
It was almost too good to be true, as was the fact that I’d survived the past few weeks.
‘Deep down I think I always knew something like this would happen if I started living my life and taking risks,’ I said. ‘And, as crazy as it sounds, I sort of needed it to happen.’
Karim’s brows shot up.
‘It’s been quite liberating. I mean, the worst that could’ve happened to me – to my reputation – happened . And I’m still here. I survived it. And my family not only survived it but became closer after overcoming it.’
‘I really didn’t realize how deeply it would affect you, and you were right in pointing out that that was because of my privilege. The privilege I have as a wealthy, liberal man in the South Asian Muslim community. I’m sorry I didn’t understand this then.’
‘There are some things I guess you just won’t understand about me. About my world. And there are certainly things I will never get about you and your world. I mean … who on earth knew it was such a faux pas to wear the same outfit as someone else to London Fashion Week?’
He grinned and shook his head.
‘On a serious note, when I heard what you said at Speaker’s Corner, I realized things are difficult for you too. I guess I just assumed you’d be desensitized to all the gossip and online pressure after all these years.’
‘I don’t think you ever become desensitized to it, but you do learn to deal with it. I guess we’ve both been judged for a long time. For me, it’s online. For you, it’s your family and community.’
I linked my arm around his and squeezed. ‘When you put it like that, I guess we have a lot in common, regardless of how different we are.’
Karim sighed. ‘Maybe we just need to choose our own happiness, you know? Screw everyone else. They’re going to talk regardless of what we do.’
‘Exactly. My parents are finally understanding this too.’
‘Just so you know, I have an apartment in Chelsea. If you’re ever in need of your own space, it’s right there. I hope things keep getting better with your family, but just in case.’
He extended a hand to me, and a black key lay in his palm.
‘Everything at home is great, Alhamdulillah,’ I said, touched by how he was trying to take care of me. ‘I’m not going to move into your place.’
‘But you want to though, right?’ he asked, raising a brow suggestively.
I nudged him playfully, my heart racing. ‘I’m glad that I met you. I’m glad that you were my first kiss, despite everything. I’m glad that we shared our worlds with each other. It’s been the best experience of my life.’
‘And it’s only the beginning.’
With the way he looked at me, I believed him.
‘How are things at home for you?’ I asked.
He sighed deeply. ‘Azad’s wedding events have been exhausting. I’m still recovering.’
‘From the events?’ I asked with a sly look. ‘Or from breaking the internet with the most dramatic kiss this city has seen in a while?’
We laughed, bending over the rail, snickering into the cold wind. It felt good that we were able to let loose, even about this.
I took a deep breath. ‘I can’t believe all the things we’ve been through in the past few months. What do we do with ourselves now?’
‘We follow our dreams,’ he said, and I loved how simple he’d made it sound, like everything would have a way of falling into place.
‘There’s something I have to tell you,’ I said in a serious tone, turning to face him. He was instantly equally serious. ‘The last person to get to the end of the bridge is paying for our hot chocolates.’
I watched his face split into a grin before I bounded away.
And then we were running.
The wind tore at my face, its roaring at my ears finally blocking out the whispers. Somehow I knew that when I next heard them, they’d have no power over me.
Karim’s wild laughter matched my own. And I didn’t care how I looked, only how I felt.
There was so much we were running from, leaving far behind us, dispelling right into the cold, rain-speckled day. Without even asking him, I knew he could feel it as well. This exact emotion I was filled with right now, he was too.
We were running from the slander and hate and expectations.
And racing into a new chapter we had chosen for ourselves and would continue to choose every day.
Together, we crashed and soared into possibilities, breaking through every barrier, flying past every hurtful comment and moment.
Our faces wide, eyes filled, hearts thundering, we bounded into a new year.
A new life.