Chapter 19
Nineteen
The rest of the meeting was a blur. I met with the doctor, who went over what to expect in the coming months, which I was grateful for since I hadn’t gotten past the first trimester last time even though I doubted I’d remember much of what he’d said.
Not that it mattered, since they gave me the Department of Fertility’s Official Guide to Pregnancy.
That was the actual title of the book, which I found laughable.
A better title would have been What to Expect When the Government Fucks You. Or something like that.
When the doctor had done his part, he left me alone with Hilary, who had more documents for me to sign. Again, I wanted to laugh. Hadn’t I already signed my life away with the other ones? It had felt like it. Apparently, however, the government disagreed.
Hilary had been droning on for probably fifteen minutes, but I didn’t absorb a single word until she smiled brightly and said, “I know we already went over most of this, but now that you’re officially expecting, we wanted to reiterate how important all this is.
” She pushed a few papers toward me. “If you’ll just sign on the last line, we’ll be all done! ”
I stared at the document, my mind spinning as I took in her notations. Had I responded to anything she’d said? I didn’t think so, but her notes said differently.
Scanning the things I’d apparently said during the meeting, I shook my head.
None of them were familiar, but they were all appropriate.
Yes, I understood I had to adhere to all the rules set in place by the Department of Fertility.
Yes, I had the right to opt out. Yes, I understood that I could change my mind up to twelve hours after the baby was born.
No, I did not have any questions or concerns.
The last one was a lie, but also understandable since there was no reason to voice my questions or concerns.
I skimmed the rest of the comments, which were more of the same, then quickly looked over Hilary’s observation of me. As usual, she’d missed nothing.
Participant – that word was laughable – seems to be in shock. Will have to keep an eye on her as her pregnancy progresses.
Since I had nothing to add, I signed on the dotted line and slid the papers across the table.
Hilary’s bright smile hadn’t wavered even though she had to have been watching me closely to gauge my reaction. “Excellent!” She picked the papers up, shifted them until they were in a uniform pile, then said, “At ten weeks, we’ll do an ultrasound and genetic testing to verify the baby is healthy.”
I wasn’t sure what my motivation was for asking the question, but I couldn’t stop myself from asking, “And if it isn’t? The baby, I mean. What if the baby isn’t healthy?”
There had been a time when women had a choice.
When they could have chosen to terminate a pregnancy if something major was detected either through genetic testing, ultrasound, or amniocenteses.
Not anymore. Not since abortion became illegal in 2040.
Still, I was curious what the government would do if they discovered there was a major problem with the fetus.
As usual, Hilary knew what I was getting at and frowned. “We’ll monitor both you and the baby to make certain everything goes well. We want the baby to have the best possible start regardless of its health and we want to make sure we do everything in our power to keep you healthy. Within reason.”
She meant as long as it didn’t jeopardize the baby.
I was, after all, expendable to a point.
They still wanted my uterus. I was actually shocked they hadn’t figured out a way to extract a fertile woman’s womb and use it in a lab.
Probably, that would have been more cost effective and definitely less of a pain in the ass for the people working here.
“But there’s really no reason to worry,” she continued. “Thanks to the program, most birth defects have been eradicated.”
That sounded like a crock of shit, but I let it go.
“If you don’t have any other questions, I guess we’re all done,” she said as she got to her feet.
“No appointments are needed, so when you reach the ten-week milestone, you can come whenever it’s convenient for you.
Until then, remember to take your vitamins, eat well, get a lot of sleep, and attend any counseling sessions you have scheduled. ”
I stood on legs that were as wobbly as overcooked noodles. “Okay.”
Hilary’s bright smile actually made me squint. “Great!”
We parted ways, but I barely remembered leaving the consultation room.
I didn’t remember arriving in the waiting room, or passing Department of Fertility Barbie, or the ride in the elevator.
Ramirez was a blur, and my exchange with Vera when I reached the lobby was nothing but a fuzzy memory as well.
Almost as if I’d watched someone else say the words.
“Ms. Murphy?” Vera had said as I mindlessly passed her.
I turned my attention to the person addressing me, registering that I recognized her but at first not really knowing why. When I took in her uniform, it clicked, but I still couldn’t make myself respond.
She hesitated before saying, “Is everything okay?”
“I’m pregnant.”
It was the first time I’d said the words out loud, and it should have made more of an impression on me, but I was too numb for that. Was I in shock? Probably. Later, after it set in, would I have an emotional breakdown? Most definitely.
I could tell Vera was working hard not to react, but it didn’t work, and not only did her mouth twitch, but her back stiffened. She definitely shouldn’t quit her day job and move to Hollywood.
After a second, she said, “It will be okay. You aren’t alone.”
Despite the numbness turning my body into a tingling mess, I started to tear up. “Thank you.”
She gave a small nod, held my gaze for a moment longer, then sucked in a deep breath and looked away. “See you later, Ms. Murphy.”
Without responding, I hurried from the building.
It felt like I was entering another world when I stepped outside.
Not because anything about the town had changed, but because I had.
I was a different person now. Would be forever.
I’d been forced into a program where my body no longer belonged to me, had been inseminated with a stranger’s sperm, and now I was pregnant.
A new life was inside me. One I didn’t feel connected to, one I didn’t want, but one I was responsible for keeping safe for the next nine months. Nothing would ever be the same.
My hand flew to my mouth when a sob bubbled up in my throat, and I had to swallow it down.
Tears filled my eyes, and I blinked them back.
No. I would not fall to pieces here. Not in public.
Especially not where anyone from the Department of Fertility could see me.
I would hold it together until I got home. I had to.
I started walking, my hand still pressed to my mouth, my eyes blinking rapidly. Barely did I remember the journey home, but I did know one thing. I didn’t give in until I’d made it to my apartment. Then I collapsed in a heap of sobs.
Once I’d collected myself a little, I sent Trevor a text. Between my overly emotional state and autocorrect, however, it was only slightly intelligible. Thankfully, we knew one another well enough that he understood immediately what was going on.
CANCELING MY APPOINTMENTS. BE THERE ASAP
Sitting on the couch, my arms wrapped around myself in a semblance of an embrace, I stared at the blank TV screen while I waited for him to arrive.
My mind spun as I thought about the coming months and all the changes I’d go through.
Morning sickness, exhaustion, a growing waistline that would announce to anyone who saw me that I was one of the chosen few.
There would be no hiding that I was one of the fertile ones, and since women like me literally belonged to the human race, there would be no stopping invasive questions and uncomfortable conversations.
Strangers would want to congratulate me, to give me their opinions about how happy or grateful I should be, would probably even think they had a right to touch my belly. It was going to be horrible.
My mind flicked from thinking about that to wondering about the life inside me and who the father was, as well as where this baby would end up.
Not with me. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I wouldn’t change my mind about that.
Motherhood wasn’t something I’d ever wanted.
Still, I would carry this child for months, would feel it move and grow, would have to push it from my body when the time was right.
It would be impossible to avoid forming a bond, but once we parted, I would never see my child again.
Hilary had made that clear. The reality of what that entailed was a difficult pill to swallow.
I would never know where he or she ended up, if their parents were nice, or anything else. How strange. How unsettling. How wrong.
I felt like I was on the verge of going mad.
The questions and doubts going through my head had caused tremors to start moving through my body, and I was hugging myself tighter than ever, but it didn’t help because there was no escaping this thing.
No running. No hiding. No way to avoid it.
I was pregnant. The government had inseminated me with a stranger’s sperm, and now I would have a baby that was mine but also wasn’t.
When the door opened and Trevor rushed in, I let out a yelp, jerking like I was about to be attacked.
“Ara,” my best friend said as he hurried toward me.
When he reached the couch, he knelt and stared up at me. We’d known one another for so long, had been through so much during that time, and I’d thought I knew every one of his expressions, but the one on his face was foreign. It was a mix of sympathy and uncertainty, of anger and pain.