Chapter 43
?rim
Cassie collapsed in her nest of pillows with ?rim beside her, a protective hand on her back as she spiraled headlong into unsettled sleep.
He was still there when she woke, scrolling through something on his datapad, pausing only to worry at a crack in one of his wrist nodes and glance over at her.
The pain had started to set in again now that the numbness from the drug Eleri had injected was long gone.
She knew she’d messed up. But she hadn’t lied to Eleri.
It hadn’t been her intention to cut herself so deeply.
Once the gray and red fog rolled in, it was so heavy she couldn’t even sense her own heartbeat.
The blade hadn’t felt like anything on her wrist.
But now, in the pale light of early morning, her whole body ached, and her wrist throbbed with each pulsing reminder.
She was still alive, and the Aviarist was here in Laurus.
And ?rim was next to her and hadn’t yet registered she was awake, but she was going to have to face him eventually.
Because she knew he was the one who found her.
Even though she couldn’t remember much of what had happened the night before aside from brief snatches of color and conversation, she knew she had broken something inside of him from the way his body was pressed so close to hers.
It was time to be again, but returning to herself was proving more difficult than it ever had before. She struggled to sit up. ?rim had his arms around her before she even had the chance to struggle to a seated position.
“Eleri said not to put any pressure on your stitches.” He’d taken his eyestones off and was staring at her with the deep blue-black orbs of his eyes. Cassie averted her gaze. If she looked at him too long, she was going to cry, and if she cried, he was going to panic.
I’m sorry. She signed as he helped her into a seated position. Her arms felt heavy, and the pervasive sting only got worse as she moved.
“I’m going to get your next dose of painkiller.”
The silence of her own body was unbearable as ?rim retrieved the painkillers.
The stitches pulled tightly against her skin where Eleri had sewn her back together.
She wouldn’t be able to write or speak properly with her hands until they healed.
Even small movements were painful. Her mouth was bone dry, and she also needed to pee, but both problems seemed impossibly large.
?rim walked purposefully to the workbench that he’d cleared to organize a new range of medical supplies. It wasn’t lost on her that he’d put everything in this room, so he didn’t have to have her out of sight.
The needles stung as ?rim administered the painkiller and then the cell booster directly into her wrist. He seemed detached, watching her, but not really seeing her. She did notice the slightest flinch when he unwound her bandages, but otherwise his body language was neutral.
An uncomfortable suspicion rose through her.
Was he angry? She couldn’t feel his chest to confirm.
It would make sense. He should be angry.
She tucked herself deeper into the pillows, turning away from him even though he hadn’t said anything.
He sat next to her, offered his hand, but Cassie didn’t take it.
It felt wrong somehow, like she’d violated him.
“Food and water, Cassie?” he finally asked. She nodded slowly.
Have to pee first.
“Let’s go then.” ?rim slotted his hands under her armpits to lift her to her feet.
She shook her head. By myself.
“You’re not supposed to be by yourself right now.”
Please. By myself. She could pee by herself. She wasn’t a child. But she also knew why ?rim was being like this. She knew she had done this to herself.
“I’ve seen your genitals several times already, if that’s what you’re concerned about.”
I just want some privacy while I pee!
“What if you leave the door open and I wait outside? I won’t watch you eliminate waste.”
Fine. She had no ground left to give. Inside the lavatory, she resisted the urge to slam the door behind her. It would only turn into a fight. Instead, she sat and peed, trying to pretend he wasn’t visible outside the doorframe.
Once she’d finished, ?rim helped her to the table before retrieving an assortment of handheld food options and some water.
They sat in silence at the table while her clumsy fingers struggled so much with a protein bar and a drinking glass that ?rim had to take over and feed her directly.
Her face burned. This was worse than after her voicelock had imploded. She had less control than a toddler.
A knock on the door interrupted the tense meal. ?rim stood from the table. “Wait here. I’ll let Eleri in. Are you fine with her visiting?”
Cassie wanted to say no, wanted to retreat into her pillow nest and never come out, but she didn’t know if she could bear the silence with ?rim. She didn’t know if she could handle his well-meaning worry as he tried his best to keep her from falling apart.
Eleri came alone this time instead of K’kaen. She checked Cassie’s stitches while ?rim sat at the table on the other side of the room.
“How are you feeling today?” Eleri asked.
“?rim gave me some more painkillers.”
“Good.” Eleri took her hand and checked under the bandages. The painkillers were doing their job, but she still winced when Eleri revealed the deep, ugly wound. “Stitches look clean. No signs of infection.” Eleri sat back on her heels. “Any numbness or itching?”
“Just painful.”
“That’s normal. It’ll be a few days, and then the itching will probably start. The stitches are designed to dissolve on their own, so if you see green thread, it’s just the stitches falling out.”
“Any new care instructions?” ?rim asked from the corner, where he was trying his best to look busy with his datapad.
“No, but if you don’t mind putting this in the cold box. It’s oral medication for Cassie to take once you run out of injectables.” Eleri handed him a bottle, which ?rim took into the kitchen area. Alone for a brief moment, she turned to Cassie.
“I’m so sorry this is all happening, Cassie. I’m glad you’re still here. Please let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.”
“I’m ok.”
“Ok. But if anything changes, I’m here.” Eleri placed a hand on her shoulder and then collected her supplies together just as ?rim returned from the kitchen.
“Everything ok?”
“Everything’s fine. I’ll be back in two days to visit again. Let me know if anything changes.”
S’samph or K’kaen were obviously waiting for Eleri outside because Cassie heard the rumble of a levibike engine. As she sat in the center of her pillow nest, Cassie held her breath as ?rim approached.
“I’ve called out of my teaching duties until everything is resolved.
Is there anything you’d like to watch while you’re resting?
” He held out his datapad to her, but Cassie rejected it.
She didn’t want to watch anything or do anything.
She just wanted to sleep and pretend none of this was happening.
“Alright, I’ll come sit with you then.” ?rim joined her in the pillow nest, sitting close enough for her to feel the contours of his body against her. He scanned through holos on his datapad, reading more quickly than she realized was possible.
What are you reading about? she finally asked.
“Human scar tissue formation.”
Oh. It was the same tone Eleri had used to explain how damaged she was after her voicelock imploded. She drifted, slipping in and out of uneasy sleep. Eventually, ?rim woke her again with a gentle press against her shoulders.
“It’s time to eat again, Cassie. Do you need to pee first?”
Reluctantly, she nodded. They repeated the same procedure.
She peed. He stood at the doorway. She pretended he wasn’t there.
He tried to offer her something else to eat and ended up feeding her another dry protein bar instead.
Then they returned to her pillow nest where he continued researching and Cassie stared at the wall.
?rim turned on a lamp to illuminate the interior of their home just enough for Cassie to see as the dim light trickling in from outside faded.
She started to flip through her datapad, staring at mostly nothing as some holos played in the background.
It wasn’t until ?rim tried to drag her up for another meal that the hollowness building inside of Cassie exploded outwards.
I will literally die if I have to eat another protein bar.
“You have to eat something.”
It feels like you’re punishing me. I just want to take a shower and go to bed.
His datapad went dark beside her. “Eating isn’t supposed to be a punishment. Can we revisit this after you have a shower?”
“Are you going to watch?”
“I’m not doing this because I want to.”
Then stop.
“I can’t.”
It didn’t matter. She moved to the shower with ?rim trailing her and turned it up to its highest temperature. He turned it down. She pushed it back up. It’s my water temperature.
“You’re going to boil yourself. This is too hot for humans."
Don’t care.
“We can skip the shower. You’re not dirty.”
She ignored him. The shower stung. Too hot. Then the water dried up completely as ?rim shut off the water line. Her skin was bright red by the time she emerged.
She woke the next morning to ?rim beneath her. At some point in the night, she’d rolled over onto him. He’d tucked a pillow under her head and was holding her on his lap, datapad still aloft in front of his face.
“Good morning, Cassie.” He set the datapad down on the carpet. “You did not sleep well.”
I know. She started to rub grit from her eyes, sitting up without assistance. I’m going to the toilet. You don’t need to come with me. Cassie got to her feet and left the room before he could argue, but when she finished, he was outside the door waiting for her.
She ignored him, pushing past.
Can we open the windows? It’s so dark in here.
“I’m sorry, we can’t. The plasma barrier requires all exits to be sealed. I can turn on the artificial lights overhead.”
We didn’t have windows at the Aviary either.
His long pause unsettled something in her stomach. “Are you trying to say our home feels like the Aviary?”
I’m just stuck here waiting for the Aviarist to come and find me, so yes, yes it does! There it was again. The bitter burning rising up inside of her.
?rim went still. “We can’t open the windows, aoseria.”
She threw her hands up, realized she shouldn’t, and winced as her stitches tweaked. This isn’t fair. Nothing about this is fair. I just talked to Rhea a few weeks ago. She had plans. She was going to live. Now we’re all going to die.
“No one else is dying.”
What are you going to do about it? If he makes it through the plasma shield?
“He won’t. It’s calibrated to a kill setting.”
But if he does.
He paused. “The shields have a failsafe. It would take someone determined at least ten minutes to get through. It would give S’samph or K’kaen enough time to arrive. We’ve discussed this at length.”
I should just walk through myself.
“What are you talking about?”
The plasma shield. I’m so tired, ?rim. I don’t think I can live like this forever.
“Cassie.”
You told me to tell you. I’m telling you.
“I did.” She sank to the floor. ?rim crouched next to her. “But you’re not going anywhere.”
It’s my choice.
“It’s not. You don’t get to choose, because your choice ends with you dead. So, the choice belongs to me until you’re ready to have it back.”
That isn’t fair.
“Sometimes necessary matters more than fair.” He picked her up, holding her tightly enough she could feel the warm spark of his energy core. “If you won’t keep your life in your hands, then I’ll keep it in mine.”