3. Thayla
Thayla
The second my starshoot releases me, I pace.
Back and forth, I flatten the dewy grass beneath my shoes and take so many deep breaths that I add to my lightheadedness rather than alleviate it.
I sling my hands back and forth, attempting to shake the tremors away, but it doesn’t work.
Steam drifts across the water of the hot spring, calm and steady. Normally, the sight of it would settle me, invite me closer. It doesn’t tonight…this morning.
Still, I stumble two steps toward it. Then I stop and stare. My hands curl into fists. I unclench them. Then curl them again.
Over and over.
Deep breath after deep breath.
The wind blows gently. Small critters are waking up in the forest. The sun is getting ready to kiss the moon good night. The realm keeps moving.
As if mine hasn’t just been shattered.
The memories in my mind scream, yet the silence surrounding me is unbearable.
“No, no, no.”
The words rip from my throat and I grip my roots, willing the sting in my scalp to distract me from my thoughts. It doesn’t work.
My chest is too tight, too full, and it burns as though someone reached between my ribs and wedged something sharp inside my heart.
I don’t know what to do.
I drag in a deep breath, but it catches halfway, refusing to allow my lungs to fill with clean, crisp air. I try again, and again, and again. The relenting pressure builds to the point I’m sure I’m going to suffocate.
Everything inside squeezes tighter until—
“Fuck!”
The curse erupts from my mouth in a raw, violet, and painful scream. It echoes across the hot spring and slices through the forest, no doubt reaching the walls of my home.
My home.
The home I made in a place I was “never” supposed to go.
I bend forward, hands bracing against my thighs, and let out another bellow that has every inch of me trembling. I don’t stop it from pouring out of me despite the searing burn blazing through my lungs.
Pressure remains trapped in my chest, and I swear to the gods it’s clawing away at my insides.
I throw my head back and glare at the stars.
“Fuck you!”
The curse cracks through the air, tearing something in my throat. The sting doesn’t distract from the pain in my heart.
My father. A Beginning God.
Meridamus. A Beginning God.
Oh my gods…Mellcom. He’s…he’s…the son of a Beginning God.
Possibly—oh no, no, no. Her. His mother.
I slam my balled fist against my chest as if I could beat the feeling out. As if I could rip away the ache splitting me open.
“No. Valories.”
The memories crash through me one after another. The years, the conversations, the trainings, the teachings, the tears. The long nights begging and crying for them to come home.
The fucking promises.
Stay away from the gods. Don’t pray to them. Don’t go to them.
A bitter laugh escapes me. Not because anything is funny. This is the fucking furthest thing from funny. I genuinely don’t know what else to do. This is all wrong and twisted.
Twenty years.
The number circles endlessly through my mind until I’m dizzy. I stagger back a step and press the heels of my palms against my eyes hard enough that it hurts.
Don’t you fucking do it.
Don’t cry.
Don’t you dare—
“Thayla.”
My head whips up at the echo of my name and my gaze collides with four sets that are full of concern, anger, devotion, and…love.
My knees shake and my bottom lip trembles.
“Guys.”
I breathe.
The weight of everything roaring inside of me comes crashing down and I crumble right along with it all. Before I can hit the ground, strong arms catch me under my arms and tug me so close, all I can see and smell is him.
“I’ve got you, gorgeous. We’ve got you,” Kyzen swears as he lowers us down.
Riven presses himself against my back. Creed grips the back of my neck. Amick laces his fingers through mine.
I shatter.
A sob tears out of me so violently it hurts. The sound barely resembles my own. My chest caves inward. My lungs burn. My entire body trembles.
I clutch at Kyzen’s shirt with both hands, desperate for something solid to anchor myself to, but there isn’t enough air in my lungs. There isn’t enough space inside my chest for all of this hurt.
I don’t even know what I’m crying for exactly.
The lies. The secrets. The betrayal. The father I painted in my mind. The person he really is.
It all blurs together until it’s one giant, unbearable ache.
Riven’s arm tightens around my waist.
Creed’s hand remains locked on the back of my neck.
Amick squeezes my fingers so tightly I can feel his pulse against my skin.
None of them tell me to stop. None of them try to fix it.
They simply hold me together while I come apart.
My body begs them not to let me go as the sobs keep coming one after another. They’re ugly, broken, and uncontrollable. Every breath feels like inhaling shattered glass. Every exhale feels like something inside me is splintering further.
Eventually, the tears ease and the tremors wracking through me slowly lessen. My breathing remains uneven, but it no longer feels like I’m trying to drag air through cracked marble.
It’s because of them. My men. My Valtrue.
I focus on their touches.
Amick’s fingers gently squeeze just like they did the first time he ever held my hand.
The curiosity is gone. Now it’s comfort.
Creed’s thumb draws soft circles around the pulse thudding wildly in my neck.
His caress reminds me how alive I am. Riven’s palms are splayed out over where my power of Chaos and Seduction lies.
He continues to lay kisses against my spine.
Kyzen’s chest rises and falls beneath my cheek.
I count the rhythmic beats of his heart.
I cling to them.
The silence surrounding us isn’t uncomfortable. It’s protective and patient. They give me all the time I need.
Eventually, I untangle my aching fingers from Kyzen’s shirt and swipe the drying water from my face. I slowly sit upright and glance at each of them, except for Riven. I run my hands across his, hinting that he can let me go now. He doesn’t.
I release a shaky sigh.
“That was my father.”
They respond to my small, rough comment with low hums.
“Yeah, little goddess,” Kyzen says, wiping away a tear I missed as he cups my cheek. “That was.”
My lips flap together with my harsh exhale and I give him what I can muster up of a tight smile.
“I don’t even know what to do from here.”
Nobody rushes to fill the silence that follows my words. I’m not sure they know what to do either. They were born knowing their parents were Beginning Gods.
Fuck…what kind of goddess is my mom?
As if he sensed my mind beginning to whirl all over again, Amick tightens his grip briefly and I turn my attention to him.
“You don’t have to know right now. You don’t have to do anything right now.”
My gaze drops to our joined hands and I let out a small, humorless chuckle as I bring his knuckles to my lips.
“If only that were true, Candyman,” I say. “I can’t hide at the hot spring forever. We have to see everyone. I left them all standing there and ran.”
“You didn’t run,” Riven rumbles behind me.
“I’m not sure what else to call that.”
He scoffs. “You separated yourself from a situation that was about to go from bad to worse. The realm continues to drop shit in our laps and expects us to keep holding it. Well, fuck that, fuck the Valories, the gods, the realm, and fuck your father. You don’t have to do a damn thing until you’re ready. ”
The bark in his tone and the grunt of agreement from Creed do bring a small smirk to my lips.
I love these men.
A sharp hoot, followed by the pounding rhythm of hooves against the forest foliage, cuts my thoughts off. Our heads snap toward the tree line as Seismet bursts through with V perched on top of his head. Verlet races beside them. Amusement hits me at first. Then it’s swiftly washed away.
“There you are. You’re okay,” Seismet huffs as he trots to a stop. “I’ve been going out of my mind, and this infuriating owl was keeping me from coming here. What is going on?”
My throat tightens as I fall into the depths of his blazing white eyes. Then my focus drifts to Verlet…then to V.
The question claws its way up before I can soften it.
“Did you all know?”
“Know what?” Seismet and Verlet ask together, confusion clear in their tones.
“Yes.”
V’s soft hoot and answer knock the wind out of me.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because it would have sent you down the wrong path.”
My eyes close. I try to breathe through the sharp, painful pinch in my chest, but it doesn’t ease. It settles there, nice and heavy.
I don’t know if that’s a good enough reason for me.
“Know what? Tell her what?” Seismet demands, stepping closer as tension rolls off him in waves. “Someone explain.”
“The God of Boundaries has returned,” I mumble. “And he’s my father.”
Both Veilataras go unnaturally still.
Verlet releases a deep neigh as he paws at the grass. Seismet…his ears flick back for a second before he thrashes his head back and forth and rears up on his hind legs.
“You knew?” he snaps once V finally flies off him. “You knew and said nothing?”
“It was not my truth to say.”
“It was hers to hear,” Seismet shoots back.
“It was hers to reveal.”
“That’s not—”
“Stop.”
My sharp command cuts clean through their argument. Silence descends across the three powerful creatures as they turn their all-knowing—apparently not all-knowing for some—eyes to me.
“Just…stop.”
My hands run down my thighs countless times before I slump to the side until I can sit crisscross in the center of my men. Creed splays his legs out on either side of me and tugs me toward him until his chest is pressed into my back. The others lay a hand on me wherever they can reach.
I drag in a slow breath, forcing my thoughts to line up instead of scatter. They don’t fully cooperate, but they settle enough as I focus entirely on V.
“How long have you known?” I ask.
He spreads his wings and glides until he’s a foot from my knees. The way his bright teal eyes bore into me has a lump forming in my throat because I realize I already know that answer.