14|Stillness
Today, I couldn't even finish typing a damn email.
The case file in front of me was a double homicide.
Gang-related.
Two bodies. No witnesses. A mess.
I should've been deep into it by now...lining up my testimonies and outlining my opening.
Unlike this solvable case, Naomi's nothing close to solvable.
She's a storm and fire wrapped together as one, and I used to love that about her.
Now all that anger she has is killing the both of us.
Ted and Jessica walked in and I rolled my eyes. "I thought I said no disturbances."
Jessica raised a cup of coffee in the air before putting it in front of me.
Thank God.
I quickly picked it up before taking a sip. "Thanks."
Ted looked at my tie and jacket I had threw on the ground. "Sir, by any chance did you sleep here last night?"
"Yeah, you're never this early," Jessica agreed.
I glare at them. "Will you two get the hell out?"
They both smiled.
"I see that you're still not a morning person, sir," Ted smiled.
"I prefer it when you come in after 12, sir," Jessica joked, but I didn't laugh.
Instead I groaned and that was enough for them to rush out.
I rolled my eyes before putting the cup to my head again.
Yes, I slept here last night.
Well, if you call laying still for hours, thinking about everything that happened last night, sleep.
Our words weren't just angry, they were cruel.
They were meant to hurt each other and they did.
But I didn't leave because of that.
I left because what I saw behind of that.
The pain she never says out loud.
The kind that lives just beneath her skin, always ready to lash out before anyone can touch it.
She's spiralling.
I knew it.
If only she would just talk to me-
I shook my head before standing up.
I can't sit around all day and worry about her.
I quickly grabbed my jacket and walked until I found myself in a bar.
My intention wasn't to drink.
I don't know what it was.
I guess I just wanted to be here.
Just to sit in the stillness.
To hear something other than my own thoughts.
To exist somewhere that doesn't expect me to be perfect.
I slid into a booth in the back, eyes on the glass in front of me.
I ordered a club soda.
I wish I ordered something stronger.
I just wanted space to think without falling apart.
And for a second, I let myself miss her.
The version of her before the grief.
...
"Nate, please listen to me," Naomi begged as we sat in the bar.
I ignored her as I stared at the untouched glass of whiskey in front of me.
I was too focused on the drink.
On the burn I remembered. On the numbness I missed.
I was three years sober.
Three long, hard years.
And still, it only took one bad day for it all to feel like it never mattered.
"You don't have to do this," she whispered, kissing me softly.
"He killed a nine year old girl," I muttered in disbelief. "I just let him kill her."
She shook her head. "Baby, no. It's not your fault."
I turned to her. "I lost the case and he got out free, Nae. It is my fault."
She shook her head. "You couldn't have known. The defence was solid."
"I should've known," I told her. "They're all the same. I-I should've tried harder."
It wasn't just my guilt.
It was my helplessness.
The way the truth didn't always win.
How sometimes the system bent under pressure, and evil slipped through the cracks no matter how hard you fought to stop it.
I felt like I was drowning in it.
Like I'd failed her.
Failed myself.
Failed that little girl.
She moved closer, gently pushing aside the glass I hadn't touched, and wrapped her arms around me.
"I've got you, Nate," she whispered against my shoulder. "You're allowed to fall apart...just don't fall alone."
...
I ran a hand down my face.
Why can't we be like that anymore?
Suddenly, I heard a familiar sound.
It was a laugh I wished I couldn't recognize.
I turned slowly, my eyes scanning the day crowd until they landed on him and his friends.
Marcus Lane.
I tried to ignore him, but he kept having the time of his life while I suffered because of him.
While she suffered.
Before I knew it, I was in front of him.
"Nathaniel," he said, using my name as if we were friends or something.
My hands curled into fists as my sides as I watched him and it took everything in me not to kill him.
Follow the law, Nate. If you don't, you're no better than him.
I took a deep breath before forcing myself to walk away.
...
As I walked into the DA's office, the usual hum of activity faded into the background.
That break was supposed to calm me, not make me more pissed.
As I passed the rows of desks, a few people glanced up and began whispering.
I ignored them as I continued on my way.
Then, I saw the way how Jessica was looking at me.
"What?" I asked out of annoyance.
She pointed to my office. "Your wife is inside."
Naomi Carter?
Willingly in the DA's office during busy hours?
Ha, not true.
"Nice joke," I confidentially said, already brushing past her. "Naomi would die before coming here."
"She's been in there for twenty minutes," Jessica said, but I ignored her as I opened my door.
And just like that, there she was.
Reading through a file I had on my desk.
I immediately rushed it and grabbed it away from her. "You're not allowed to read that."
"I'm suspended," she immediately argued. "What am I possibly going to do, Nathaniel?"
Ah, Nathaniel.
Haven't heard her use that one in a while.
She only uses it when she's annoyed or trying to assert dominance with me.
I tossed my keys on the desk, not bothering to sit. "What do you want, Naomi? I have a case to prepare for."
She stayed quiet.
"What?" I went harsh on her. "You want me to take a guess?"
Because if she was here to pick another fight with me, I wasn't in the mood.
Her lips suddenly started to quiver before she looked down.
I blinked.
"You didn't come home last night," she said. "You always come home and I was..."
She trailed off, her fingers clenched to her sides as she took a deep breath.
I was worried.
That was exactly what my wife wanted to say.
But she didn't.