43|Capable of Love
I quickly rushed through the front door with the plastic bag in one hand and the crumbled receipt in the other.
This was stupid.
I wasn't pregnant.
Of course I wasn't.
I've been pregnant already.
I know how it feels to be pregnant.
But...Nate and I have been a little active lately and there have been some minor indications.
I kicked the door shut before running to the bathroom like a kid.
My heart was pounding as I pulled out all five pregnancy tests out of their boxes.
I knew I wasn't pregnant.
But the aching breasts.
The nausea.
The missed period.
They were all from the stress the Perez case caused.
I was barely sleeping and maybe it was because I had been having sex way too much.
This was probably my body's way of saying to slow it down a little.
I stared at the tests for a second before uncapping them.
"Just get it over with, Nae," I muttered to myself as I sat down on the toilet and began to pee.
Two minutes.
I could wait two minutes.
I remember when I first took my pregnancy test for Eden.
I checked for the results every two seconds.
I groaned loudly as I buried my face into my palms.
I was supposed to be at the bar right now.
But I threw up when Nate left and my mind began to race and then I found myself rushing to the convenience store.
I didn't bother to get my hopes up about seeing a positive result.
There was something wrong with my body.
It was like it was cursed for babies.
It couldn't even keep Eden alive.
How shameless would I be expecting it to develop a fetus after that?
It had already proven that harbouring babies in it wasn't the best idea.
I stared down at my hands.
They were steady now.
Maybe too steady.
Like I'd already accepted what I was.
I was the hollow thing that once tried to grow life and failed.
Not everyone's meant to be a mother, Naomi.
That's what everyone said after Eden.
Like grief could be explained away by biology.
But they hadn't held her.
They hadn't feel her move for nine months and then... stop.
My eyes burned.
I glanced at the test still facedown on the counter.
I didn't want to flip it.
Because what if it was negative?
Worse...what if it was positive?
What the hell would I do with that?
I pressed the heels of my hands into my eyes, hard, until the dark spots danced behind my lids.
No part of me was ready for this.
Not again.
Not ever.
Would you shut up, and look at the damn results, already?
I took a deep breath before quickly flipping over the tests.
Positive.
Positive.
Positive.
Positive.
Positive.
I stared at them waiting for the panic to attack me, but surprisingly it didn't come.
Instead of dread, there was something else.
Joy.
My breath caught in my throat before I let out a sound.
Half laugh, half sob.
The kind of sound that only shows up when grief and hope stand shoulder to shoulder.
I didn't expect this.
I didn't expect to want this again.
But I did.
I wanted this.
Not to replace Eden.
Never that.
But maybe...
Maybe to finally forgive myself.
Maybe to try again, not because I was healed, but because I was still here.
Because I still wanted to give my baby the childhood I never got to experience.
Because I was still capable of carrying life.
Because I was capable of being a good mother.
Because I was still capable of love.
...
I smiled as I walked into the bar.
Jeez, I hadn't stopped smiling since I saw these positive pregnancy tests.
The music was loud, the lighting low, and the energy in the room buzzed with celebration.
Glasses clinked, laughter rose over the music, and I spotted the partners, associates, and paralegals already halfway through their round of drinks.
I was so late.
"Look who finally decided to show up," Russell called out, raising his glass when he saw me.
They all turned to me before raising their glasses.
I laughed as I sat down next to Kate.
"Let me get you a shot," Harris said as he began to get up, but I quickly stopped him.
"No, thank you," I said. "I'm not drinking tonight."
"What's the point of coming to a bar if you aren't going to drink?" Kate muttered beside me before taking a shot.
I glanced at her for a second, feeling her off energy, but ignored it.
Russell clicked his glass. "Now that she's finally here, I want to make a toast to our newest, fiery partner."
A few people laughed and clapped, but Russell got serious.
"She walked into this Perez case with a fire I haven't seen in years. I watched her fight like hell."
He turned to me.
"You dedicated yourself to this case."
My heart jumped in my chest.
People were looking at me now.
Smiling. Nodding.
And not in that polite, tight-lipped way they used to.
It felt genuine.
Like if they were actually proud of me.
Russell went on.
"You even made Nathaniel Carter speechless," he said. "That's something no lawyer has ever done."
We all laughed as he raised his glass.
"To Naomi. A hell of a lawyer. And the partner we didn't just want, we needed."
"To Naomi!" the others echoed, glasses raised high.
I blinked fast.
I wasn't used to this...being seen, being celebrated.
Not like this.
Not loudly.
Not without it being followed by a "but..."
I smiled, trying to keep it together.
But something warm swelled in my throat.
They saw me.
Not the wife of prosecutor Nathaniel Carter.
Not the woman who took a few too many sick days last year because she lost her child.
Not the employee my coworkers whispered about in the break room.
Not the mother who walked through grief like it had a time limit.
Just...me.
Naomi Carter.
I glanced at Kate who was taking another shot, not even participating in Russell's toast.
I tapped her. "Hey, can we talk outside?"
She rolled her before standing up. "Whatever."
A few heads turned as we made our way out, the shift in energy subtle, but sharp.
I ignored it.
The moment the door shut behind us, the noise of the bar dulled into a low, muffled hum.
Cool air brushed against my skin as NYC traffic noise took over.
Kate crossed her arms. "So? What now?"
I looked at her...like really looked.
She wasn't drunk; just overly bitter.
"What's wrong with you?" I asked. "I thought you wanted to put the past behind us."
She looked at me. "What's wrong with me? The question is, what's wrong with you?"
"You're such an idiot, Naomi," she glared at me.
I scoffed, but she didn't allow me to comment.
"Do you really think Russell meant any of the words he just said?" She laughed, but I swallowed.
"He was lying," she said bitterly. "He doesn't want you to be partner. Never has."
"Yeah, this conversation is going nowhere," I muttered, beginning to walk away.
She quickly grabbed me with a smile. "Do you really want to know who made you partner?"
I began to pull away my hand from her. "Let me go."
"Thank Nate," she smiled. "He forced Russell and Harris to promote you."
"You didn't earn shit," she glared at me.
My whole body froze as I tried my best to avoid the anger slowly building in me.
She's just saying this to piss me off.
She stepped back, lighting a cigarette.
"I can see why you haven't divorce him as yet," she said, exhaling smoke. "He gives a really good fuck."
I stared at her silently, my stomach twisting so violently I thought I was going to throw up.
"He even said he'd rather you hate him," she continued.
"Good thing you two didn't have that kid together or else," she said before giving a lazy shrug. "Yikes."
I quickly stepped forward. "Don't you ever speak about my child again!"
She looked at me lazily before exhaling in my face.
"It hurts knowing he'll never think you're good enough, doesn't it?"
I didn't move.
I didn't even blink.
But inside, something split clean down the middle.
This isn't the love he preached about.