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Three Months Later
I stood in front of the mirror angrily yanking at the waistband of my pants for the third time.
I tried everything.
I even tried twisting side to side, sucking in my stomach that clearly wasn't going anywhere.
I even used the trick I taught Viv.
This pantsuit used to be big for me.
I let out a sharp breath and finally gave up, unbuttoning it with an annoyed huff.
My reflection stared back at me with tired eyes, fuller cheeks, and a belly that had started to show more in the past few weeks.
I rested a hand on it gently.
"You're making it real hard for mommy to look like a badass lawyer right now," I whispered, trying to smile.
But it didn't stick.
It never sticks.
My chest ached.
Three months.
It's been three months without talking to him.
No calls. No messages. No visits.
It's been three months since our fight in the hotel room.
I sat down on the edge of the bed.
I missed him.
I missed him so much that it felt like something lived in my throat, pushing hard against me everytime I tried to breathe...everytime I tried to think about him.
Everytime I thought about his dumb smile, it hurt.
Everytime I thought about his annoying forehead kisses, it hurt.
Everytime I remembered his voice, it hurt.
I was constantly in pain.
Not the kind of pain that could we simply treated with Tylenol or ginger tea.
No, this was the kind that settled behind your ribs and refuses to leave as it slowly eats you alive.
What pains me the most wasn't our silence or distance.
It was the uncertainty.
It was that I didn't know when he was coming home or that's if he even wanted to at all.
Who knows, maybe after all these months, he would realize that maybe divorce was actually the best option for us.
This is the longest we've been apart in seven years and it was killing me.
I stared at myself in the mirror.
The pants I couldn't wear.
The stomach that carried the baby I was terrified of having.
The face of a wife who pathetically whispers her husband's name every night before she goes to bed.
Just pathetic.
"I need space...from you."
My eyes filled instantly, and I clenched my jaw to keep myself from breaking.
"I hate you," I whispered to no one.
And I hated that it wasn't true.
I love him.
I love him more than ever.
I love him to the point where I've never felt this much love before.
Not like this.
Not this deep, not this devastating.
Not this real.
I know loving me isn't easy, but loving Nate isn't easy either.
Loving him wasn't soft or gentle.
It was hurtful, raw, harsh, and consuming.
It cracked me open and filled places I didn't even know were empty.
And even now...even after everything...
Even after all my fury...
Even after he left me pregnant within knowing and alone and aching...
I still love him.
Pathetic.
A fresh stream of hot tears rolled down my face as I placed my hand on my stomach.
"Please don't leave too," I begged the child growing inside of me.
I can't go through this again.
I can't lose another baby.
Not only would it ruin me, it would ruin Nate all over again.
Our marriage would be done for.
There was a sudden knock on my bedroom door and I quickly wiped away my tears.
"Just a minute," I said as I slowly rose to my feet, making sure I didn't look like I was crying.
I figured it was my parents.
Since Vegas, they had been paying keen attention to me.
They were actually showing genuine affection and concern.
They even apologized.
It still feels weird that my parents were trying to get close to me, but I didn't complain.
That's all I ever wanted.
I took a deep breath and opened the door.
I instantly froze.
It wasn't my parents.
It was Nate.
He looked slightly thinner.
He looked clean...well rested.
At peace.
His eyes searched mine, and I knew he could tell I'd been crying even when I tried to hide it.
He could always tell.
I finally broke eye contact and looked down, feeling the awkwardness in our silence.
What the hell do I say?
Our last conversation ended so mean.
I took a deep breath and locked eyes with him again.
My lips parted, but nothing came out.
Then he opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again.
There were so many words in this world, yet none of them felt safe to say to each other.
He swallowed hard before he did what he knew best.
He pulled me into a hug.
For a moment, I didn't move.
I didn't breathe either.
I just let myself feel it.
They way his arms wrapped around me, the faint scent of whatever rehab soap still clung to his skin, and the quiet tremble in his chest.
"I'm sorry," he whispered into my shoulder. "For everything."
My hands slowly rose to his back, my fingers curling into his shirt like they used to.
Like I still knew how.
"I'm sorry too," I whispered too, holding back my tears. "I never wanted to hurt you."
"How are you?" I finally asked.
That's the question that pondered in my mind for months.
Everyday. Every night.
The only answer I truly wanted from him.
"I'm doing much better," he admitted. "How are you?"
I paused for a second. "I'm doing good."
He slowly pulled back as his eyes searched mine with concern.
"Why were you so mad at me that night?"
I blinked, my throat tightening as I remembered everything.
I'd replayed this conversation in my mind over and over, but I never really figured out the ending to it.
Was this going to be our final conversation or was this going to open a whole new world of intimacy between us?
"I felt like you didn't trust me," I admitted.
His brows furrowed slightly. "What do you mean?"
"I mean..." I looked away. "You made a decision that changed my entire career, and you didn't even tell me. You didn't ask. You just... did it."
He thought about it for a second before the look of realization appeared on his face.
"Kate told you about partner didn't she?" He asked and I silently nodded.
He sighed before taking my hand and leading me to the bed.
"Nae, I did it because-"
I cut him off right there as I shook my head.
"No," I said firmly. "I don't want to hear your excuses over and over. Just like you did when you forced them to take me into Kane & Whitman."
"I asked you not to do it, and you still went behind my back and did."
"That made me feel small."
"That made me feel controlled."
"That made me feel like a charity case."
He quickly shook his head as he held my hand tighter. "No, Nae, that's not what I was trying to do."
"I know," I nodded. "But that's how you made me feel, even if you weren't trying to."
"I thought I was helping," he said. "I saw how hard you were working. How much you were sacrificing."
"I'm tired of you making decisions behind my back, Nate," I expressed myself. "You say we're a team, but it never feels like it."
"I know," he said again, softer this time.
"And I swear to you, Nae, I've been sitting with that guilt every single day in rehab. Not just about the firm... but everything."
His voice cracked slightly.
"You don't know how many nights I stayed up wondering if I even deserved to come back."
I swallowed hard, the walls around my heart pulsing as I looked away from him.
"Did you fuck her?"
His body stiffened before he turned me around to face him, full blown confusion of his face.
"Kate," I muttered and he burst out laughing, but I didn't laugh with him. "She said you did."
I didn't believe her, but I didn't know what to believe anymore when it came to Nate.
He's always doing something he isn't supposed to.
I just feel vulnerable and blindsided by him most of the times.
"Me?" He asked. "Kate?"
"No," he shook his head, trying not to smile when he saw how serious I looked.
"She tried to, but I quickly shut it down," he said. "There's no way in hell I would look in another woman's direction...especially Kate of all people."
His words calmed me a little.
"Then why didn't you say anything?"
"Because she wasn't important enough to be in our conversations," he said. "Because I just wanted to forget about it, and not hurt you further."
He looked like he meant it.
He sounded like he did too.
I rolled my eyes and he smiled brightly.
But it faded just as quickly.
His eyes drifted downward, pausing at my waist.
At the way my shirt didn't quite cover the front of my pants.
At the way my stomach hung out.
At how they looked too tight, like I was forcing them to still fit.
His brows pulled together slightly. "You okay?"
I stiffened. "Yeah."
"You sure?" he asked gently. "You look... I don't know. Uncomfortable."
I gave him a tight shrug. "These pants just don't fit right anymore."
He opened his mouth, probably to press further, but thought better of it.
Instead, he nodded.
"What?" I teased him. "Do you think I overate while you were gone?"
"What!?" He blinked, clearly caught off guard. "Gosh no, your body is beautiful."
"I'll get you something comfier to wear," he said quietly.
I nodded, holding in my laugh.
"Good thinking. I'll probably need to get more comfortable clothes since I'm pregnant."
He nodded in agreement. "Yeah, you would-"
His body instantly froze.
He blinked before his head snapped towards me so fast I thought his neck was going to break.
"You're what!?"
I looked at him before placing his hand on my stomach.
"I'm pregnant, Nate," I said nervously and he stared at me silently.
"When did you find out?" He asked.
"A little over three months," I admitted.
He looked at me concerned. "That's before I left."
I silently nodded and he immediately turned away before bringing his hands to his face.
"I left my pregnant wife alone," he whispered to himself and I quickly wrapped my eyes around him.
"I should've been here," he said with his back turned to me. "For the appointments."
"Dear God," he said as he turned to me with tears in his eyes. "You were probably so scared, weren't you?"
I bit my lip as I held in my own tears and nodded.
"At first I was so mad at you for leaving," I admitted. "For you wanting to be as far as possible from me."
"But I remembered why you went."
My voice trembled, but I forced the words out.
"You needed help. You needed to get better. And as much as it hurt... I couldn't hate you for that."
He wiped his face with the back of his hand, trying to steady himself.
"So don't hate yourself," I smiled as I wiped his tears. "Because I don't."
I happily looked down at my stomach. "And this baby definitely doesn't."
"Their dad is here now and that's all that matters," I smiled as I looked up at him.
He finally smiled again before giving me a kiss and pulling me into another hug.