Chapter 14
Milly returned to the canal house feeling down-hearted.
Her mum’s comments had stayed with her all afternoon as she’d finished looking around the beautiful Christianshavn.
She’d recorded a lot of B-roll footage she’d make good use of for her own socials or for the café’s, but she hadn’t had the headspace to film content of her own.
Not with her face on camera anyway. Now, as she trudged into the canal house and up the stairs to the kitchen, it was to see Theo sat at the dining room table surrounded by crumpled up bits of paper and with his head in his hands.
‘Umm, hello,’ she said, edging into the tiny kitchen. ‘Everything all right?’
He lifted his head to look at her. ‘I cannot think of any flavour combinations for these events or what culinary twists to put on them.’
She slid into the seat opposite him, pushing several screwed-up paper balls to one side. ‘But back at the café you were full of ideas.’
‘That was then. As soon as I tried to write them down—’ he motioned to the empty notepad in front of him ‘—my mind went blank.’
‘Oh, I see.’
She’d had the same thing when she’d been starting out making content.
She’d sit down to write a list of all the things she needed to talk about, videos she needed to film, and her mind would go completely blank.
She’d soon come to realise she was putting too much pressure on herself, and it was when she went for a walk or did something else that the ideas flowed.
‘Maybe this isn’t how you need to work,’ she said, gesturing to the piles of paper littering the small space. She explained how inspiration normally came to her when she was doing something else entirely and was surprised to see him sit straighter.
‘I just find,’ she continued, ‘that when your mind is free, that’s when ideas pop up. You just need to take the pressure off.’
‘Do you really think it might work?’
‘Yes, I do.’
He was silent for a moment, before standing up so quickly the chair scraped the floor.
Silently, he marched out of the room and a second later, she heard the creak of the stairs and his heavy footsteps as he ran up them.
She frowned, wondering what on earth he could be up too.
She heard moving about in his room, then a moment later he returned in his swimming shorts with a towel slung over his shoulder.
‘Are you coming?’ he asked, grinning.
‘For a swim?’ she said, doing her best not to stare at his chest and shoulders.
‘Of course for a swim. I’m not going shopping dressed like this.’ He waved his hands alongside his body, chuckling, and she swallowed.
‘Ha ha. You’re so funny. Give me two minutes.’
‘I’ll meet you out there.’
Milly rushed to change as Theo headed out onto the little dock.
From her bedroom window she watched him dive into the canal before changing into her costume.
She still threw on her old, oversized T-shirt for an extra layer.
It had been another beautifully sunny day, but the sun was sinking now and the air growing cooler.
When she joined him outside, he was just finishing a few lengths, but before she could get in, Theo raised his head, took a deep breath and said, ‘Can you write this down for me please?’
With a grin, she picked up her phone and opened the notes app, sitting on one of the seats. ‘Go!’
‘So, one day we’ll do spicy breakfast – traditional pastries and flavours with spicy additions. Another day can be bitter and sweet, and for sandwiches—’
‘We already said traditional Danish with Middle Eastern flavours.’
‘Yep and we talked about American too, but I didn’t really know what that would look like, but I think now, it’ll be using well-known American ingredients in new and different ways. Danish ways.’
‘Still combining them with traditional Danish flavours too?’
‘Of course.’
‘Great!’ She made some more notes. ‘Anything else?’
‘Not yet, but hopefully soon. Come in and swim.’
The sun was still high in the sky, casting a warm golden glow over the water.
She took off her glasses and T-shirt, noticing again that Theo’s eyes followed the curves of her body as she sunk into the canal.
His gaze sent a thrill through her muscles, warming them against the shock of the cold water.
She began moving, treading with her legs, swimming a little and enjoying the feel of freedom.
Milly suddenly thought she should jump out and write that in her notebook: how she’d enjoyed the simple pleasure of floating, or the resistance against her muscles.
She’d have to make a note of it later and maybe start swimming when she got back to England, though she knew it wouldn’t feel anything like this.
A municipal swimming pool with eye-burning chlorine and designated lanes was never going to compare to the beauty and freedom of the canal.
‘Are you all right?’ Theo asked, and Milly knew her face had shown her thoughts.
‘I’m fine,’ she replied, hearing the tightness in her voice. She hadn’t meant to sound annoyed with him; it was just that her mum’s comments were still bothering her. ‘Any more ideas?’ she asked to change the subject.
‘No, nothing, and that isn’t enough for the whole festival. We need more.’ His tone had grown frustrated again.
‘We can do it,’ she reassured him.
‘Can we?’ There was that flash of nervous self-consciousness again.
‘Of course we can. We don’t have to have it all figured out today.’
‘Just most of it. And the rest by when? Tomorrow? I’m worried it’s impossible.’
She swam a little nearer to him. ‘It’s not. Stop stressing. We’ve got four events already and if we’re doing them every other day, we only need one more.’
‘I want our last one to be big. Something different and special. Something everyone will remember. Something the event organisers can really push in their programme. With events all over the city and lots of people taking part, we need it to be something unusual or spectacular.’
‘You’ll think of something.’
It was such a nice change from his reticence when she’d first mentioned it, she couldn’t help but feel proud of him. It clearly didn’t come naturally to Theo to put himself out there.
He’d paused near her and was treading water too, sculling with his hands. ‘You have too much faith in me.’
She pushed her hands into the water, splashing him in the face. ‘Stop being self-pitying. I already told you; I have faith in you because you’re incredibly talented.’
He splashed her back, his giant hand causing a cascade of water to fly towards her. She twisted her head but didn’t avoid all of it. ‘Hey! I could’ve drowned!’
‘You’re a strong swimmer and no damsel in distress. You’ll be fine.’
The battle continued, each spraying the other as they swam up and down the canal.
On one particular pass, when Theo had splashed her full in the face, her legs tangled with his and as she ducked under the water, he grabbed her to stop her sinking, pulling her up and into him.
Without thinking, she wrapped her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck.
With her body pressed against his and his strong hands on her back, heat surged through her, chasing away the cold from the canal water.
While one hand held her firmly against him, with the other he gently moved a lock of damp hair back from her cheek, tucking it behind her ear.
She couldn’t draw her eyes away from his and they were locked together for a moment until, to her utter disappointment, he pulled away.
She swam backwards, and seeing his expression – one that wasn’t filled with heated longing and desire, and instead was full of sadness and regret – she increased the distance between them.
‘What is it?’ she asked, her heart thumping and fear prickling her insides like thorns. She was suddenly much colder than she’d been before, the water biting at her skin, her teeth almost chattering as the adrenalin and passion subsided, taking all her warmth with it.
‘Nothing. Nothing it’s fine,’ Theo said, but he moved towards the ladder leading up onto the dock.
Milly floated further backwards, her arms sculling, though her teeth had started to chatter.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said, before climbing onto the dock. ‘I shouldn’t have – we shouldn’t have nearly—’
‘What? Kissed? Why?’
The water dripped off him as he grabbed a towel and began drying his hair. She waited, not adding any more to her plea. Humiliation began to creep inside her. Whatever had stopped him, he had wanted to kiss her. At least to begin with.
Theo stopped, speaking without looking at her. ‘I still shouldn’t have thought about it’
‘Why not? We’re both grown-ups. Adults.’
There was something between her and Theo, something special, and she was sure he’d felt it to.
But this wasn’t what she’d been expecting.
She swam to the dock, resting her arms on the side, placing her head on top.
All the tension that had eased from her muscles came flooding back. He’d never looked so unhappy.
‘It’s not appropriate,’ Theo said, still concentrating on drying his arms and shoulders, not meeting her eye. ‘You’re – you’re leaving soon.’
That sinking feeling she’d had while talking to her mother earlier came back with a vengeance almost dragging her under the water. ‘I know I’m supposed to but …’
Silence fell as she wasn’t sure she could finish the sentence.
‘But what?’ He turned to face her.
‘But …’ She paused again. Was she really going to say this? Was she really going to do this? She had no idea if she even could, but right then, she wanted to, desperately. ‘I might extend my leave. Stay here longer.’
She’d made herself vulnerable in a way she hadn’t for a very long time, not only with the kiss, but admitting her thoughts, and that, more than the cold water, made her shiver.
She hadn’t done anything adventurous for years.
The last time she had it had ended so badly it had affected everyone around her.
Even thinking about this was a big step for her.
But as she finally looked at Theo’s face, her hopes plummeted.
‘And then what?’
‘What do you mean?’ she stuttered.
‘You’ll still leave eventually. This—’ He motioned to the space between them. ‘It has no future.’
‘But we could—’ She was suddenly speaking again without thinking it through, throwing all her own reservations out the window, following her heart.
‘Milly, I just … I just can’t do this.’
The sentence ricocheted around the quiet space, bouncing off the still surface of the water.
Milly shivered, knowing she should get out as her teeth began to clatter together, stopping her speaking, but unable to move especially now she was unwilling to be nearer Theo.
She felt a tear in her heart and for a second, she was reminded of the moment she’d walked in on Tom and Claire at work, but that was nothing compared to this.
That was a paper cut compared to a dagger through her heart.
Pain seared into her chest as though her ribs were being broken apart.
‘Milly, I’m sorry—’
‘It’s fine—’
‘I just – I’m not ready for another relationship. Not yet.’ His voice was low, as if the words were painful or he was poking at old wounds.
‘Sure. Okay. I—’ Milly climbed out of the water and grabbed her T-shirt and towel, not bothering to use either. Instead she held them tightly in a ball in front of her, water dripping onto the wooden platform.
‘Milly—’ He tried to reach out and touch her, to look at her, but she couldn’t lift her head to meet his eye. The idea of seeing regret in his expression, of seeing how much he wanted to erase the moment that had just passed was too terrifying.
She pulled her arm out of his reach and kept her head down, staring at the chipped nail varnish on her toes. ‘It’s fine, I understand. I get it.’ Now desperate to get away, she turned and fled, her glasses falling from her damp fingertips.
She and Theo both bent at the same time to pick them up and from the corner of her eye she caught sight of the pain and regret on his face. His fingertips brushed hers as she took them and without speaking ran inside, not stopping until she was in her room and the door closed firmly behind her.
Chilled through to her bones, even though her room was warm from the long summer day, she threw on her dressing gown and wrapped her hair in a towel.
Slightly warmer, though no calmer, she stepped towards the window.
Theo was still there, sitting in one of the chairs with his head in his hands.
Why had he said he didn’t want another relationship?
What had happened before to make him so opposed to one?
Was it the Instagram woman? Was it someone else?
Goose bumps flew over her skin. How the hell were they supposed to work together now?
It was going to be beyond awkward. But at least she didn’t have to figure out how to extend her sabbatical or upset her mum by swapping England for Copenhagen.
Staying was now impossible. Embarrassment and humiliation made sure of that.
Milly left the window and flopped onto the bed, pulling the covers up around her for extra warmth. She looked at her notebook. She definitely wasn’t going to write any of this down because this feeling wasn’t one she was grateful for at all. Not in the slightest.