Chapter 26
In the days that followed, Milly floated around in a daze.
She went food shopping, cleaned her flat, and dry-cleaned her suits ready to start work after her sabbatical ended.
Where her days had been full of noise, fun and laughter back in Copenhagen, now they were filled with silence, and it wouldn’t be much different when she went back to work.
Yes, she and Robert would have a laugh – they always did – but mostly she’d answer emails and prepare papers in a morgue-like office.
The only noise the occasional phone call or the hum of the computers.
How could she have been happy in that before? She had no idea now.
This morning, Milly sat eating a breakfast of cornflakes because it was the only thing she could be bothered to make.
Her lukewarm cup of tea sat at her side as she checked the Lykke Instagram account.
Nothing new had been posted and neither had Theo called or messaged.
He’d cut ties completely. The follower count was still growing, as were the wonderful comments and engagement and she knew she should pay some attention to her own socials, but she hadn’t been able to face it.
People were starting to message her asking where she was and if she was okay.
She hadn’t answered any of them because she was about as far from okay as it was possible to be.
Everything she’d learned about hygge had gone out of the window.
As she’d suspected, that concept was all well and good when life was going well, but when life turned to a steaming pile of trash it was hard to find the joy in anything.
Pushing her bowl away, Milly was just about to force herself into the shower when the front doorbell rang.
She stood up and trudged towards it, her arms hanging limply by her sides.
As she opened it, her eyes widened, taking in the figure of Tom, literally the last person in the world she wanted to see.
He took a slight step back before scanning up and down her body, taking in her slobby pyjamas that had once been white but were now a sort of greyish-cream colour.
She looked down to see a cornflake had landed and dried on her left boob.
Her unwashed, unbrushed blonde hair sat like a bird’s nest on her head and there might even have been some dried drool on her chin from another fitful night’s sleep.
She’d dropped off about four in the morning after hours of tossing and turning, working hard to keep her mind from drifting to Theo, the café, his arms and their nights spent together.
She’d been awake again at six, eyes gritty and sore.
The dark circles looping underneath were the size of Copenhagen’s canals.
Copenhagen.
She almost started crying again. She was missing everything about the city, especially the canal house and those regular swims. She knew doing some exercise would make her feel better: a walk or a swim at her local pool, maybe.
But lethargy stopped her moving her body anywhere but from the couch to the fridge and back again.
‘Hello, Tom,’ she said her voice flat. She felt absolutely nothing on seeing him; she didn’t even care about her appearance.
She vaguely wondered what he was doing there but presumed he’d come to collect the last few things that were lingering around: a jumper, a toothbrush and a can of deodorant she’d never particularly liked the smell of.
He’d have to find them himself. She just wanted to get back on the sofa and curl up under her blanket again.
Tom stood like a rabbit in headlights. ‘Milly, gosh. Are you okay?’
‘Yep. You all right?’ She turned and walked away. ‘Grab whatever it is you’ve come here for. Feel free to wander about. I’ll just be here, on the sofa, watching telly.’
‘Oh – umm – right. Okay.’
She was aware of the door closing softly behind her as her slippers dragged on the floor. While she flopped back onto the sofa and turned her programme back on, his heavy tread moved behind her. She looked at the TV, unsure what she was actually watching, but the noise was comforting.
Instead of going to find whatever it was he’d come for, Tom sat down opposite her. ‘Milly, I haven’t come to grab anything. I’ve … actually, I’ve come to see you.’
She didn’t speak, but looked at him in confusion, his words slowly sinking into her brain. ‘Me? Why?’
‘I ran into your mum and she mentioned you were back and—’
‘Mum?’
Through her fugue state, her mind began to work, thoughts forcing their way forward. She pushed her glasses up her nose, realising how dirty the lenses were, covered in fingerprints from her takeaway dinners.
Naturally, she’d told her mum she’d come home and despite her pressing questions, Milly hadn’t said anything about what had happened with Theo.
She hadn’t been able to talk about it and couldn’t bear her mum’s comments.
Instead, Milly had simply said, as Theo had, that after the success of the cooking festival, her work there was done.
Pain bit at her soul, cutting another piece off.
The phone call had been brief, with promises of visits soon, but since then, she’d selfishly done everything she could to avoid her, not wanting to analyse what had happened or have to go over in detail why she’d come home so abruptly.
‘Yes,’ Tom continued. ‘She gave me a bit of a talking-to actually.’
Though she couldn’t muster a smile, her heart warmed at the thought her mum had listened to her and was backing her up.
‘Anyway, I thought I should come and see you to ask if—’ He hesitated, adjusting the sleeves of his jumper.
Unlike the Copenhagen summer she’d experienced, it was cold and drizzling outside, the sky grey and heavy with dark clouds.
The sun had disappeared from her life, which was fine by her.
She wasn’t in the mood for sunshine anyway.
The weather perfectly matched her feelings and gave her more of an excuse to hide indoors, away from the world.
‘I wanted to see if you’ve changed your mind. I hoped that being back in England, back to reality and out of holiday mode, you might be feeling differently about us.’
‘Us?’
Lethargy turned to frustration, frustration turned to irritation, and irritation quickly made its way to anger.
Having felt nothing for what seemed like months, within seconds of his arriving, anger was now on the verge of becoming rage.
It was sad and slightly desperate that Tom was here again.
She sat forward, uncurling her legs and placing her feet firmly on the floor.
Removing the blanket from across her lap, she said, ‘I’m sorry, what did you say? ’
Tom straightened, on edge. ‘I just thought … well … with you being home and back to your old self you might be more willing to listen to reason.’
‘Listen to reason?’
A volcano of emotion was about to erupt.
Tom realised he’d said the wrong thing and held his hands up in defeat but she didn’t let him speak.
For the first time since returning home, Milly felt her mind and body coming alive again.
Granted it was with annoyance and anger rather than love and life, but the fatigue that had dragged her limbs fled and she stood, rolling her shoulders back.
While there might not be a future with Theo, she wasn’t settling for one with Tom either, no matter how much he pestered her.
‘Tom, let me be absolutely clear on something for the very last time. I will not be getting back together with you. Not now. Not ever. I don’t love you and I don’t think we’d be very happy because you don’t love me either. If you did, you wouldn’t have cheated on me in the first place.’
He opened his mouth to speak but she silenced him with a single, hard movement of her hand. ‘Don’t even try to talk, Tom. Nothing is going to change my mind. Now please leave.’ She pointed to the door.
‘Milly, please, I—’
‘Nope! No more! No more talking. Out you go. Now.’ She took a step towards him – not that she was going to do anything – and he scuttled away like a frightened mouse.
Tom darted back into the hall, still trying to plead his case.
‘I’m not listening, Tom.’ Milly crossed her arms over her chest dislodging the dried-on cornflake. She watched it fall to the floor, knowing something had to change. She couldn’t go on like this. ‘We’re done. Finito. Goodbye.’
He yanked the handle of the door, slid through the opening and closed it softly behind him, like a snake slithering away.
Which was what he was, she thought sadly, her heart pining for Theo and his upfront but easy manner.
They may have bickered, they have sparked off each other, but he was honest. They were both honest.
Standing staring at the closed door, Milly’s emotions ricocheted around her like a pinball.
A swirling tornado of thoughts and feelings were suddenly crowding her mind, and what was worse, moving around made her realise just how much she needed a shower.
She had a strong whiff of coffee, musty hair and sweat.
Not nice. And she deserved to treat herself better than this.
Yes she was heartbroken, and yes she was angry, but she still deserved to feel good about herself.
Theo was the one who’d ruined everything, not her. She had nothing to be ashamed of.
As hurt as she was, it was time to stop hiding.
Perhaps this was where hygge actually came to matter.
The big things in life – her relationships, her job – were rubbish, but she could still take enjoyment in the small things: the feel of the hot water on her face when she stepped into the shower, clean sheets on her bed.
Perhaps if she did that, she could slowly start rebuilding her life, even though she wasn’t where she wanted to be or who she wanted to be with. Surely, she had to start somewhere.
What other choice did she have?