Chapter 27
A few days later, Milly adjusted the collar of her suit, which felt horribly constrictive after a summer wearing her own, comfortable clothes, and tried to focus on her emails.
There were a lot to get through, most of them out of date after her extended leave.
Robert chatted happily away next to her, and she smiled at him, trying to seem like she was enjoying being back.
‘I am so glad you’re back. They replaced you with like, five different temps who were all absolutely rubbish, and none of your clients liked them, but don’t tell them I said so. I’m already on their naughty list for kicking off about my sabbatical request being denied.’
‘You made a sabbatical request?’
‘I did. To go and do volunteer work in a donkey sanctuary in Slough for six months but they said no.’
‘A donkey sanctuary in Slough? Slough?’
‘They have them too! It’s noble work.’
‘It is and it’s mean they denied it. I didn’t know you wanted to work in a donkey sanctuary.’
‘Neither did I until my friend took me to one. Now I’ve found my true calling, and I can’t stand being here a moment longer.’
‘Are you going to quit?’
‘Maybe.’ He shrugged. ‘Anyway, tell me all about Copenhagen.’
Milly grabbed her coffee, reminded of the day she’d walked past the stationery cupboard and found more than office supplies inside.
‘It’s a great city,’ she began. ‘So gorgeous and just so relaxed. Like I never saw one incident of road rage and there’s bicycles everywhere.
Did you know there are more bicycles per head of population in Copenhagen than there are in Amsterdam?
I heard a tour guide say that once. And people are just … nice.’
‘Hmm. Not sure why you came back.’
‘Me either.’ She wasn’t about to go into details and as tears welled, she grabbed her bag and said, ‘I’m just nipping to the loo. Back soon.’
‘Ohh, coffee when you get back?’
‘Sure. And I’ll make it, even though it’s not my turn.’
Once inside a cubicle, she put the toilet lid down and sat on it, taking a few minutes to breathe.
She had to stop doing this. She had to get a grip.
This week she’d cried in the supermarket when she’d seen a pack of less-than-tasty-looking Danish pastries.
It was ridiculous. She rolled her head back and closed her eyes.
Her attempts at hygge weren’t yet making much of a difference.
The office was as soul-destroying as she thought it would be.
The atmosphere was all doom and gloom, and it was like her world had shrunk back down to a tiny dot.
It was no longer big, bold, bright and colourful, full of noise and flavour and joy.
It was quiet and boring and – she fidgeted with her suit jacket again, wondering if the dry-cleaners had shrunk it – full of uncomfortable clothes.
Milly blew her nose on some tissue and was just unlatching the door when her phone rang. She pulled it from her bag, her heart thumping hard against her ribs, hoping, wishing it was Theo, but as usual she was hit with a freight train of disappointment when it wasn’t.
It was Ada.
‘I’m at work,’ Milly replied in a hushed whisper.
‘Ah, yeah, it’s first day back, isn’t it? How’s it going?’
‘Not good. I never realised before how much I hated my job and everything about this building.’ She looked around the tiny toilet cubicle she was currently hiding in. ‘I even hate the loos.’
‘Is that where you are right now? Eww, Milly! Gross! Are you actually on—’
‘I’m not doing anything!’ She lowered her voice back to a whisper. ‘I was just hiding, but that’s why I can’t really talk right now.’
‘That’s fine. I don’t need you to talk; I just need you to listen.’
Milly sat back down on the closed toilet seat, checking her watch.
Robert would be wondering where she was and make some joke about her taking so long because she must have had a poo, which wouldn’t be the most fun comment to come back to, but Ada sounded …
weird. She had to hear what she had to say.
‘So I know you told me not to talk to Theo—’
Milly immediately pressed her hand against her forehead. ‘Ada! Please tell me you didn’t?’
‘I didn’t! I promise! But I did speak to a friend of his who I remembered being around when he started the café.
He worked in a bar a few streets away, so I called and did a little digging because something made Theo act the way he did and I think you’re right.
It’s something to do with the woman from the pictures. ’
‘So what did you find out?’ Milly didn’t care how late she was back to her desk or what gross jokes Robert made; she wasn’t going anywhere until she’d heard what Ada had to say.
Just as her friend began to speak, someone entered the toilet and went to another cubicle. Milly sat holding her breath, her feet pulled up so whoever it was would think it was empty and waited until they washed their hands and left.
‘This is insane,’ Milly whispered. ‘Hang on. I’ll call you back in two minutes.’
As soon as the coast was clear, she rushed to the printer room, opening the door gingerly in case someone else was up to what Tom and Claire from Accounts had been, but thankfully it was clear. She slipped inside and huddled in the corner, her phone pressed to her ear as she called Ada back.
‘So?’ Milly said eagerly. ‘Spill!’
‘So it turns out that this woman didn’t break Theo’s heart, they kind of broke each other’s, but Theo was the one left with the most damage. Basically they were together for a few years and like, totally in love.’
Milly had to swallow down the bitter jealousy rising in her throat.
‘She introduced him to her friend group because he’d never formed many close friendships of his own, not being from Copenhagen, and they all liked Theo, but then things started to turn sour, like with the café.
They were both headed in different directions, and wanted different things out of life, which happens you know?
But this friend said although it was hard for them both, because Theo had been introduced to her friend group, it was even more difficult for him.
Theo and the woman – who’s called Astrid by the way – were arguing and then she broke up with him, and because they were all her friends, she didn’t want them inviting Theo to anything, so he was left out in the cold, alone. ’
‘So suddenly he had no girlfriend, not that many friends, no support and a café he couldn’t afford?’
‘Yep. It in no way excuses what he did or what he said to you, but—’
‘But at least I know why he pushed me away. He’s scared of losing everything again.’
She let the idea sit for a moment. It didn’t lessen the pain, but understanding gave a strange sense of comfort.
‘And,’ Ada continued, ‘I think he’s scared of being in love because he’s worried he’s going to be left alone all over again. And you’ve been helping with the café, just like Astrid was going to, so if things go wrong with you two, he could lose it as well as you. Again.’
‘I get it,’ Milly said, leaning back against the wall of metal shelving. ‘I just wish he could be braver. I’m not Astrid.’
‘But we all know it can take a lot to change how we think and feel.’
The comment was loaded with so much meaning for both of them. The years after the accident had affected them both deeply and they each took a moment to let those uneasy thoughts settle.
‘Do you know,’ Milly said, breaking the silence, ‘I think after the accident, I could see then how it was changing you – how your trauma response was different to mine. I wanted to not cause any more fuss and you were beginning to want to take risks. To grab life because it had nearly been taken away from us.’
‘I don’t think seeing that guy who turned out to be obsessed with The Sopranos was a good risk. Sometimes your approach was definitely better than mine.’
Milly giggled. ‘No, but it led you to changing your life completely in the end. I – I just feel so empty here compared to when I was in Copenhagen and yeah, some of that is down to Theo, but some if it is also down to what I was doing and how I was filling my day. Working with his business, seeing results on social media, the exposure from the cooking festival. I want—’ She struggled to say the words out loud, but Milly tugged down her suit, really starting to get annoyed with it.
‘I want something else, Ada. Something different to this.’
‘Then go and do it! What’s stopping you?’
She thought about it, and the answer was still fear … and her mum. ‘Did I tell you Mum’s agreed to see someone, to get some help and finally talk about what happened with the accident and Dad?’
‘That’s great! I think it’ll really help her. Sounds like Theo could have done with some help too.’
‘Yeah,’ Milly said, but a surge of excitement rocked through her, straightening her limbs, so she pushed herself away from the wall. ‘You’re right.’
‘Am I? Milly, your voice has gone all weird. What’s happening?’
‘I’ve just decided to stop living a life I don’t want.
It’s time I fight for what I do want. I’ve been letting life slip past me the last couple of weeks here, and for so much longer before that.
I thought I couldn’t affect Theo’s decision so I might as well just give up and stay here.
But I don’t want to be here!’ She began pacing, energy rushing through her veins.
‘I’m sick of playing it safe and making sure I don’t cause a fuss!
I want to cause a fuss! And I can’t deny it anymore.
I loved Copenhagen and I loved what I was doing there.
I want more of that. And yeah, I want Theo too and I won’t forgive myself if I just fade into the background and don’t even fight for him and what we could have.
I love him. He’s the one for me; I’m sure of it. And I need to tell him that.’
‘You mean you didn’t before?’ Ada sounded mildly annoyed.
‘Umm …’ Milly paused. ‘I was going to and then he said I was finished there and should go back home.’
‘So you didn’t bother actually saying the words “Theo, I love you”?’ Even though she couldn’t see her face, the outrage was clear in Ada’s voice. ‘Milly … ?’
‘I blurted something out by accident but then it all went wrong and I kind of didn’t mention it again. But like, the whole time it was implied! Heavily implied!’
‘But that could have changed everything! Milly, I can’t believe you!’
‘It was all very emotional,’ she replied, her cheeks burning with embarrassment and excitement.
Maybe she should have been braver and just said it at the time, but she couldn’t change that now.
‘I have to do it now, don’t I? I have to go and tell him how I feel.
Plainly. That I love him with everything I am and that if he can find it in himself to trust me with his heart – his poor, bruised, shielded heart – I won’t break it. I’ll protect it. Always.’
‘You do. And right now!’ Ada replied as if she were rallying the troops. ‘You need to march into your manager’s office and tell him you’ve quit, then book yourself a flight to Copenhagen.’
‘Am I really going to do this?’
‘Yes, you are.’
‘Really?’ A huge smile spread across her face and she didn’t need Ada to answer for her. ‘I am. I really am!’
And she did.