Chapter 13
As the morning dawned, Beth knew she had to do something to get a handle on her emotions. Sleep had been fitful, and though her body felt tired and sluggish, there was only one thing to do. She dressed quickly into her gym gear and made her way to the rowing club.
The streets were deserted, the city quiet and only the lapping of the canal water against the buildings could be heard.
It calmed her. A few birds were singing and Beth concentrated on them, rather than the messy noise in her head.
As she drew closer to the larger expanse of water and the rowing club, she could feel the electricity pulsing through her muscles, eager for release.
She’d feel better after this; she knew she would.
She just had to make herself get started but the thought of hitting the gym with its energetic, loud music simply wasn’t as appealing this morning. Instead, she looked at the boathouse.
Cesca had said she was good enough to go on the water now and though she should really go out with someone else for her first time, she didn’t see the harm in trying it alone.
After all, she wouldn’t go far and she was a strong swimmer if she did get into any trouble.
She didn’t know why she’d put it off for so long.
She went inside the boathouse and was about to take down a single-person boat when she was interrupted by someone coughing. She turned to see Marco.
‘Sorry, I didn’t want to startle you.’
‘You’re here early,’ she said, still reaching out for the single-person boat.
‘I like this time of day. It’s calmer. Peaceful. If this will be your first time on the water,’ Marco said, ‘you should take it easy and maybe wear a life vest. Are you a good swimmer?’
‘I am,’ she replied and as she turned to him, his eyes widened as he studied hers. Could he see the red, the puffiness from her lack of sleep and the tears she’d shed? She quickly turned back. ‘Actually, I think I’ll stick to the gym.’
‘I can take you out on the water if you’d like?’
‘No, it’s fine. I’m not sure today’s the day to start anyway.’ She stepped away and was about to make her way back outside when he stepped closer to her.
‘Why not? It’s a beautiful morning and there’s nothing like rowing in the lagoon.’
He pointed to the sky that was lightening as the sun came up. The water too was calm and serene. There wasn’t much of a wind today and she could imagine the crisp air on her cheeks as the boat moved through the water, the feeling of peace as she listened to the movement of the oars.
‘Don’t you need to get going?’ she asked tentatively, a part of her hoping he would say no.
Marco chuckled. ‘Not yet. I only just arrived and—’ he looked at his watch ‘—it is only seven-thirty. Why are you here so early?’
‘I couldn’t sleep.’ She would have said more but a lump formed in her throat.
It wasn’t that her friends were having a baby.
She was honestly happier for them than it was possible to imagine.
It was simply that her own non-baby choices were causing chaos in her brain and had been all night.
What if she met a man who did want children?
How would their relationship continue? Was she now destined to be on her own forever?
She looked up, realising her brain had taken over again and she’d gone quiet.
Marco stepped towards her, his voice kind. ‘Is everything all right?’
‘Fine.’ Beth plastered on a smile – the type you’d see in a horror movie. ‘Absolutely fine.’
‘Hmm.’ He walked past her and into the storage area, taking out a two-person boat. ‘Can you get the oars, please? Grazie.’
‘But—’
‘Come on. You’ll enjoy it, I promise. And it’s a calm day. The best type of day to be on the water. It’s much nicer than being in the gym breathing other people’s sweat.’
‘Well, when you put it like that …’
As he carried the boat as if it weighed nothing and placed it on the water, she had no choice but to follow.
Automatically, she grabbed the oars and he gently placed the boat down.
Marco climbed in and Beth handed him the oars, and he placed them in the oarlocks so they were ready to go.
He held out his hand for her and she took it, stepping down into the boat.
It took a moment for her body to adjust to the swaying, and she flopped down ungracefully, but with her mind still full of Daisy, Elsa, their baby and the difficulty of her own feelings, she didn’t care.
‘Ready?’ Marco asked and she nodded. He cast off and began calling the rows. ‘One, two, one, two, one, two.’
Before long they were gliding through the water, and the beautiful city passed before her.
White foam splashed as the oars slid in and out of the sea, and the incredible architecture of the Renaissance buildings with their arched windows, shutters still closed as those inside only just began to wake, passed her by.
She inhaled the fresh, salty air, taking it deep into her lungs and tasting it on her tongue.
She spotted the rooftops of the most iconic Venetian buildings huddled in the middle of the city, the towers and spires watching over them.
Boats and gondolas lined the shore, some quiet and still, others being prepared for the day.
The water taxi men were coming to life, coffees in hand, cigarettes hanging from the corners of their mouths.
As the boat moved forward, cutting through the tide, Beth enjoyed the feeling of pressure in her arms, the resistance of the water forcing her muscles to work.
Her heart rate increased with every stroke and as she pulled and released, it was as though her emotions were being freed every time, just a little bit more.
It was the same in her legs and core as she braced her body in the rocking boat.
She could feel her abs burning and enjoyed the sensation, knowing she was making her body – herself – stronger every second she endured it.
She breathed heavily through her mouth, sweat forming on her temples, dampening her hair.
Right now, she didn’t care how she looked.
All she cared about was the thoughts fading from her mind as she pushed her body.
Marco, whether sensing her mood or simply enjoying his own row, didn’t speak to her for a good twenty minutes.
Not until they’d gone some distance and their pace was naturally slowing down, leaving the main island behind them.
As the pace decelerated, her body calmed and all the emotion that had been kept inside seemed to flow out of her in one giant sob.
All the energy and tension had been released from her muscles and with it the emotions she’d locked inside.
She couldn’t stop the tears no matter how hard she tried and her breath, already ragged from her workout, grew even more frantic.
‘What the—Beth? Beth? What’s wrong?’
Before she knew what was happening, the boat rocked, and Marco was crouched in front of her.
His ice-blue eyes met hers, crinkling at the corners with concern.
As she looked at him, his expression kind, she thought that she’d quite enjoy seeing that face every morning, but then the maelstrom of emotions swept her up once more.
‘Breathe. Take a deep breath. What is it? Are you all right? Do you need water? Air?’ His expression changed to panic, all his usual standoffishness washing away, and stupidly, it made her laugh.
‘I’m fine,’ she said, taking a breath. ‘Well, not really fine, but I’m not having a heart attack or anything. I just – just got some bad news last night that’s all.’
‘What is it? Are you ill? Is it the book barge? Can I help?’
She shook her head, the tears returning and spilling down her cheeks.
‘It’s my friends. They’re pregnant.’ She buried her head in her hands knowing how ridiculous she sounded, but how could she explain her own existential crisis to this man?
A man she barely knew, and anytime she did get to see the relaxed version of him, he pulled back.
‘Oh.’ Marco’s brow creased. ‘Is that – is that not good news?’
She lifted her head, partly because she was so hot and sweaty she thought she might die, her tears mixing with the perspiration still pouring down her face. This was not a great look for a heart-to-heart with a gorgeous Italian man.
‘It is! It’s amazing news! I’m so happy for them.’ She collapsed into sobs again and his warm, strong hand gripped her knee. She liked the feel of its reassuring pressure.
‘I’m sorry, I – I don’t understand.’
Realising how crazy she sounded she took a deep breath. ‘I’m happy for my friends. I really am. It’s just … do you really want to know?’
‘Of course.’ His genuine concern made the hairs on her arms stand on end.
She wasn’t really sure why she began to tell him everything, but she’d unlocked her emotions through her physical workout and now, they couldn’t be locked back up.
‘I don’t know if I can have children. I have PCOS, which means it’ll be really hard for me to conceive and to be honest, I don’t even know if I want children at all, but I feel like I should, you know?
That that’s what’s next, isn’t it? But I don’t – I just don’t think it’s for me. ’
‘Why does it have to be what’s next?’ he asked gently. ‘You get to decide what your life looks like. No one else. If you don’t want children, that’s fine. People should respect your choices.’
She knew it made sense, but it felt somehow more difficult to own that part of her personality. To accept this decision. ‘But what if I meet someone and they want children? What do I do then?’
‘What if you meet someone and they don’t want children?
What will you do then? I’m not being flippant,’ he reassured her.
‘But you cannot worry about a future that isn’t here or think about all the different possibilities that are out there.
You’ll drive yourself mad. You could meet someone who feels exactly the same way you do, and it won’t even be an issue. ’
For a moment, their eyes met, and something seemed to pass between them, an invisible signal that she couldn’t clearly identify.
The connection that kept appearing between them as it had at the party, during their drink in the bar and even at times the day before grew stronger.
Suddenly more aware than ever of his hand on her leg, she wanted to reach out and take it, wrapping her fingers in his.
He’d been so kind. Marco dropped his eyes away and Beth cleared her throat.
The morning air stung her damp skin but quickly dried her tears.
The boat was floating peacefully in the water, drifting on the tide, and the sky had lightened considerably just as the weight on her shoulders had.
‘I’m sorry. You probably didn’t expect that this morning did you?’ Beth asked with a small smile.
Marco laughed and scrunched the back of his hair as he had when he’d called her beautiful. ‘I hadn’t, but I’m glad you told me. I’m glad I could listen. Sometimes that’s all we need from people is just to listen.’
She nodded her agreement. ‘It’s not always easy though is it?’
‘No, it’s definitely not. I’m sure my father would say I’m not a good listener and I’d say the exact same thing about him.’ He stood and the boat rocked as he made his way back to his seat. ‘If you’re ready, shall we turn around and head back?’
‘Yes, Francesca will be arriving soon, and I need to clear up my—’ She stopped herself just in time.
‘Clear up your what?’ he asked with a laugh. ‘Or shouldn’t I ask?’
‘I umm—’ She’d been so totally honest with him up to this point and he hadn’t balked, so she decided to continue. ‘I need to clear up my makeshift bed.’
‘You slept at the boat last night?’ His voice was higher than she’d ever heard it and though she couldn’t see his face, the shock had stopped him rowing.
She felt the weight of the boat’s movement fall to her and her tired limbs protested.
‘Can you maybe …’ He picked up his oars and the boat moved a little easier.
‘I had to sleep on the boat because I’ve been kicked out of my holiday let.
Today I need to find somewhere else to live.
There must be another rental I can take. ’
‘Holiday lets are not the answer. And with Carnevale near, it might be harder than you think.’
‘I know, but I have to try and I’ll just have to take what I can get.’
‘I suppose so,’ he mumbled.
They rowed back to the pontoon outside the club and washed down the boat. It was important to remove the dirt and grime, but especially the salt that could damage the hull and oars. Once everything was back in its place, Beth turned to Marco.
‘Thank you for taking me out on the water. Despite my mini-meltdown, I actually really enjoyed it.’
‘So did I. I – we – should do it again.’
‘I’d like that,’ she replied, and as they smiled at each other, neither moved. Beth had no idea what she looked like – probably not good – but Marco’s cheeks were flushed with exertion, and it only added to his appeal.
The sun was up fully now and even though the air was still a tiny bit wintry, the sun’s golden rays, when they broke through the cloud, gave a burst of heat. The blue of the sky was reflected in the lagoon, and it seemed like it was going to be a beautiful day.
As they walked towards the gym and the showers, Beth felt calmer for speaking about her feelings.
Marco was right: she couldn’t worry about a future that hadn’t yet appeared.
She’d do what she always did and plan. When she decided she wanted to date, she’d make sure she met the right person, with the same values and ideas as her own.
She’d make well-thought-out decisions and ensure she had no regrets.
But something inside told her this wasn’t the end of these feelings.
That this issue would come up again and again and no amount of preparation would prevent it from throwing her life into disarray.
She ignored the dread in her stomach and focused instead on what she could control: her floating bookshop and finding a new place to live.
It was time to get to work.