Chapter Nine
Faye
Faye sat on a comfy chair in Senhor Arenoso’s hut, the material sticking to the back of her thighs.
The sun blazed, pouring through the large glass windows.
She let out a breath as a rare breeze slipped through, caressing her neck and fluttering the stray hairs that had escaped her bun.
Today, the Portuguese weather had truly outdone itself.
Senhor Arenoso hummed a tune as he stirred the tea. How he could drink anything hot in this weather, while wearing a long, hefty kaftan, was beyond her. She couldn’t wait to get back to her room, strip off, and bathe in the beautiful breeze of the AC.
But for now, she took a sip of her cool water, admiring the course founder’s space. The dark wooden panels paired with the abundance of leafy plants crowding the floor and ceiling gave the room a rich, earthy aroma, tangling with the sharp scent of the ocean as it drifted through the open windows.
If Faye had her own place, she’d like to do something similar. Unfortunately, that hadn’t worked out. The idea of moving out again, without the safety net of her dads, packed her full of dread.
She fanned herself with her hand. It was the perfect day to cool off in the sea, but the thought of going in with her bag filled her with so much anxiety, she’d rather sweat to death.
She plucked her T-shirt from her skin, wishing she’d opted for her lighter tank top.
But it showed too much of herself, and Faye wasn’t ready.
Telling Diana about her ostomy had given her a boost, but sadly, not as much as she’d hoped.
Diana was one person, but the rest of the world was full of actual shitbags.
So Faye had chickened out, swapping her bikini for normal underwear and a baggy T-shirt which now draped her like a heavy weight. Old habits die hard.
She wished she’d said something to Diana this morning in their yoga session.
A cool and casual quip, a little flirty but not overbearing.
She dragged her nails over her skin, wishing her earlier confidence hadn’t disappeared during the night.
She didn’t want her quietness to come across the wrong way.
Maybe she was overthinking it, but overthinking was what she did best. Prepare for the worst and never be disappointed.
The clinking of a spoon brought her attention to Senhor Arenoso as he retook the seat beside the window and crossed his legs. He smoothed his thick moustache.
“Bem vinda, Faye. Are you sure I can’t offer you a hot drink?”
“No, thank you. It’s too warm for me already.” She gave him a smile as sweat beaded the back of her neck. “Water’s great.”
His gaze passed over her thoughtfully. “It looks like you’re settling in well. How are you finding things?”
She hesitated. Senhor Arenoso was already aware of her ostomy situation, and she’d hoped to be assigned to him for these sessions—his reviews were outstanding—but unease still settled in her chest. There was something so disarming yet unsettling about being in his presence, and she second-guessed what to say.
She took another swig from her glass, hoping it would ease the lump in her throat, and went for something simple. “The island is beautiful. I love being in nature.”
“I suppose your field of work gives you an appreciation for what others don’t see.”
“Definitely. It was a big sell for coming here. The number of endemic species at Sandy Springs is amazing.” The Pink Polari parakeet popped into her head.
Her frightened panic as she’d tried to escape the net tangled in her wings.
She needed to ask Riley for an update on how she was doing.
“It’s a shame to see others disrespect that. ”
He nodded, tracing the rim of his mug with a ringed finger. “Humans are often afflicted with a selfish ego. So distracted by what they think they want, as opposed to what they need. When we become distracted by these things, we neglect our inner self.”
Faye considered this. Wants and needs so easily went hand in hand. Sometimes she wasn’t sure how to separate them.
He seemed to catch her line of thought. “What do you think will make you happy, Faye?”
Talk about being put on the spot. She gripped her glass tighter.
Happiness, true happiness, was something she hadn’t felt in a long time.
She’d had fleeting moments, which came like passing streetlights, brightening her life for a second before dipping into country-lane darkness, but nothing that stayed.
Pre- and post-surgery, after every flare-up or hurried dash to the bathroom to check for a leak, a thought always stuck with her. “I just want to be normal,” she said, low and quiet.
He let out a hum. “It’s a funny word, isn’t it? Normal. What does normal even mean, in a world as diverse as this?”
She tangled her clammy hands in her lap, hoping he didn’t expect her to answer that.
Luckily, after a moment’s quiet, he continued, “Ever since we take our first breath, the world starts evaluating us, assessing where we fit into its boxes. It starts small—our heart rate, our weight—and builds into lists that seem as tall and dense as forests. Have lots of friends, but don’t be too social.
Excel at work. Build a career. Buy a house.
Have children. To be ‘normal’ means to be with the majority.
To be accepted. And there’s nothing wrong with that, if that fulfils you here.
” He placed a hand over his chest, his rings reflecting the sunlight.
“But if you’re following these parameters to please others and satisfy their needs, you will never be happy.
Something will always be missing when ignoring our true self. ”
He paused, letting the words hang in the air between them. His voice softened. “Have you ever wished you were someone else?”
Faye traced the pocket on her shorts with her finger. It felt wrong to admit, but she nodded, anyway, unable to form the words in her throat.
“May I ask why?”
“I’ve always felt different… Wrong.” The humidity in the room tripled in size, sinking into her lungs, pressing onto her shoulders. “A disappointment to my dads.” Tears pricked her eyelids. “I wanted to be better. For them.”
“Have your parents ever expressed their disappointment with you?”
“No, but this couldn’t have been what they were expecting when they adopted me.”
“Perhaps not. But to assume that that equals disappointment is a damaging assumption.” He stroked his chin.
“When we confuse our assumptions with the truth, we can create problems for ourselves that never existed. When that inner world starts to colour our outer world, it distorts our reality too. Assumptions can be very damaging. A slippery slope created by our own doing.” His eyes flicked to hers, steady and warm.
“You have a big heart. I feel it. The way you care for the world is admirable. But what I feel is missing is that same love and care for yourself. Would you agree?”
Well, shit.
Something deep inside her chest flinched. But she knew she had to answer. “I… Yes.”
“Admitting these things doesn’t come easy.
But it’s a very important step. Thank you for sharing that with me.
” He inclined his head, and Faye noticed his thinning hair rounding in the middle.
“Many people spend their lives looking over the garden fence,” he continued, “wanting to be someone else, wishing for greener, thicker grass. All the while, they’re missing the riches at their own feet. ”
He leaned forward, the scent of sandalwood following him. “Part of your time here is to identify your core needs so that you can embrace all of your uniqueness. When we love ourselves for who we are, accepting our differences and imperfections, we can celebrate life again.”
His words stirred something primal in Faye’s soul, and she wanted to grip it and bottle it so it couldn’t get away. If this was what having the enigma felt like, she could get used to it.
“Aligning your state of mind with your soul, connecting with your higher self, and reuniting with your familiar guide are all part of embracing your personal journey here.”
My familiar guide. With all the distractions these last few days, that detail had almost slipped her mind.
Completion of the course awarded guests with their spirit familiar, their own personal guide to support them in their next steps.
Faye had always wondered which animal she connected with the most, and why they’d hidden in the shadows for so long.
She could’ve used some guidance.
Senhor Arenoso opened his arms. “When we filter out the other voices and listen to ourselves, we can find true, unblemished happiness. True transformation starts within.” He let the words settle before asking, “Shall we begin the guided meditation?”
She grinned. “Let’s do it.”
* * *
The scorching concrete burned Faye’s soles as she drove herself up the hillside. The slope clawed her backwards, each step like sinking quicksand. Damn this heavy T-shirt. Her mind ached too, drained from the conversation with Senhor Arenoso, though all she’d done was sit and listen to him.
She paused, lungs heaving, and took a long gulp from her electrolyte drink. It was easier to get dehydrated with an ostomy, so she had to be careful. The last thing she wanted to do was piss it off and end up in the hospital.
Long, sandy beaches stretched out below her, with shearwaters and gulls ferrying overhead like mini planes.
Her heart stuttered as she spotted someone by the cliffs who resembled Diana.
But when she blinked, there were only the shadows from the jagged rocks.
She turned to the white sands dotted with people lounging under yellow parasols, then to the bobbing bodies breaking the waves and enjoying the cooling relief of the sea.
A smidge of envy settled in her chest, amplifying that familiar feeling of wishing to be someone else.