34. The Inevitable
SOUNDTRACK: Crawling by Vince Cox, Corvyx, and EpicTrailerMusicUK
~ VOSKI ~
The distance was short enough that it was worth pushing on, but as we reached familiar territory, I prayed fervently that somehow, the Creator would clear the path and we’d draw close enough to Koa that Kham could reach her. That we’d be turned from this course. Even just delayed.
It had been seven years. But I wasn’t ready.
I shook, not with weariness, but tension. Every muscle in my body rigid as I resisted what was to come, to the bottom of my soul.
Kham crooned, then chittered as, all too soon—far too quickly, we couldn’t possibly be here already!—he began to descend. A jagged pulse of fear rocked through me when I recognized the meadow where he’d found me, and Chosen me, passing underneath us and Kham began to wheel.
That should have been a beautiful memory. I should have been thrilled to see it, to relive that precious moment with him.
I felt ill.
The closer we came to land, my limbs locked up. I gripped Kham’s neck straps, tightened knees around his wing ridges, hunched in my seat, and couldn’t move.
Then Kham spoke—reassurance, prayer, comfort… but I couldn’t take in the words.
I knew this ground. Knew the blood soaked into it.
Memories rushed in. Physical sensation. A sick, dark feeling that I’d been running from for over a decade. I found myself leaning back as Kham came in to land, subconsciously pulling for him to turn from this path.
But I didn’t speak the words that would make him do so. I couldn’t.
Grace.
I reached for her in my mind, my heart clenching when I couldn’t find her. I’m coming. I swear. I stretched for her, desperate, pleading with God to make it possible to touch her across the miles.
But then, the trees opened up below and the manor, the House of Ashford, was revealed.
Everything inside me shrank.
A looming, central structure, larger even than the Officer’s building at home.
Two long wings angled off it in a shape not unlike the spread wings of a dragon.
Was that where the term had originated?
I didn’t know. I could only stare as Kham dropped his hind end and extended his talons, tail lashing as he back flapped to slow our momentum, and I held on, rigid, unmoving, unbreathing, until he had all four feet on the ground, galloping to catch his momentum, then slow.
My heart beat mercilessly at my ribs.
The thrum of my pulse filled my ears.
My hands wouldn’t release the leather straps, even when Kham came to a complete stop in the middle of the meadow.
Had anyone seen us? Probably not. It was late at night. The moon was small and low, and the house far enough away that unless someone had been watching from a window at the precise moment we descended, it was unlikely they could make us out in the dark.
I could just leave. Not dismount. Take off again, and—
Kham crooned to me, and my heart flipped in my chest.
I turned to look at the imposing structure where I’d spent the first seventeen years of my life, and shook my head.
With light glowing in a few windows, and everything else cast into black shadow, the house looked menacing.
How fitting.
My stomach churned as I sat there, staring dumbly at the place I’d sworn I’d never return. Wondering how I’d come to be here, without warning, or desire.
I was grateful I hadn’t eaten for hours. Certain I would have thrown up anything I hadn’t already digested.
They still didn’t know I was here. I could leave. I could run. Flee. Again.
‘Voski…’
I swallowed hard and forced my fingers to pull apart—they ached, creaked when I flexed them.
Another minute spent, opening and closing my fists to make certain my hands would work to dismount.
Another minute my dragon waited patiently, blowing from the long flight, but not complaining, until the aching in my finger joints passed, and I knew I could get down safely.
My hands shook when I placed them on Kham’s neck to throw my leg over. But my grip didn’t fail me.
Using the mounting strap to lower myself to the ground, I realized that Kham needed to be freed, but I had nowhere to store the harness. I was too frightened to take it to the stables in case they hid it from me, or sabotaged it. Besides, if I could hide his existence from them, I would.
‘Kham?’
‘Let’s go into the trees.’
I thanked God for every minute spent hunting for my favorite climbing tree which was taller now. Good thing I was taller as well.
I unharnessed Kham, and rolled the harness up to toss it into the crotch of the tree where it would pass casual inspection among the branches and leaves.
I quickly changed out of my leathers and into the formal suit I’d worn to the wedding. It was wrinkled, but that would be attributed to the travel.
I folded my leathers, and the spares I’d brought for Grace, and tucked them under the harness in the tree.
I spent long minutes checking every weapon secreted on my body, debating the merits of hiding one of them out here, just in case. But in the end, I felt safer taking them.
Then it was done. My bags were over my shoulder.
I stood in the dark in the woods next to Ashford, and a chill skated down my spine.
I have to get out of here.
No.
I had to be here. And I had to be everything I never wanted to be. And everything that was wrong. Because I needed their help.
The nausea surged into my throat and I swallowed it.
‘Kham.’
‘I’m here. I won’t leave.’
‘You have to.’
He snorted and wheeled to face me, keeping his wings flush against his body so he wouldn’t run into the trees. ‘What? Why?’ He dropped his head and nudged me with his nose, blowing vapor over me that somehow eased the fear a little bit.
‘They can’t know about you.’
‘I beg to differ. With me at your back, they won’t dare—’
‘With you at my back, they’ll step carefully, and hide the truth. I’ll end up with a knife at my throat and nothing to show for it. They have to see me as weak. They have to believe I need them.’
It wouldn’t be a lie. I was weak. Had never felt weaker, in fact.
He rumbled his disapproval, but sighed. ‘I will hide,’ he conceded, ‘Though I’ll remain in range to speak. And each night at high moon, I’ll come here, to this tree, and I’ll wait until the hour before dawn. If you need me, come.’
I nodded, and hugged his nose. ‘I will.’
Neither of us moved. Him, because he waited for me. And me because I knew, the moment I stepped away, this nightmare began.
But then I imagined Grace, helpless in Breckon’s grip, and I shuddered.
Worth it.
Swallowing back another wave of sickness, I stroked Kham’s snout one final time, then scratched behind his eye-ridge with trembling fingers.
‘Don’t leave,’ I sent.
‘I won’t.’
I was grateful he didn’t tease as I took a deep breath, and turned away, fixed my eyes on the manor house between the trees, and walked straight to the wide, grand steps that led from the round, pebbled driveway, to the front door.
It seemed impossible. Unreal. A dream. All at once, completely alien, and so familiar. It was only moments before the gravel crunched under my footsteps, and then I placed one boot on the first, deep stair.
It felt like only a blink passed before I stood at the door.
Lifting my hand to grasp the heavy, brass knocker that fell from the mouth of a horrific gargoyle, I hesitated before I touched it.
I’d taken great delight in telling other children that this monster came to life at night.
I’d taken delight in a great many things as a child—and a young man—that now turned my stomach.
And I was about to walk back into this house, which had been the witness to it all, for the first time in over seven years.
Help, I prayed. But I continued to shake. ‘Kham, I don’t think—’
‘We spoke of this. You were equipped.’
‘I was evil!’
‘You were honed into a weapon. But it is the wielding of that blade which determines whether it is good, or evil. You are not evil, Voski. Yet, any man is capable of evil things.’
‘But, if I’m here, and they’re—’
‘Put on what you know, like a cloak. A disguise. Let them see what they wish to see. You and I both know what’s hidden under your skin. We know your heart.’
I grimaced. In my opinion, Kham had seen more good in me than I possessed, from the very first day. But there was no doubt he was good. And his heart fed mine.
I swallowed. Closing my eyes, I took several deep, slow breaths to bring my body under control.
I couldn’t cower. Couldn’t let them know that they’d broken me.
And then I saw it again, in my mind—first, Grace in the grip of that bastard. An image that set fire in my veins. Then the memory of her splayed on the bed, crying my name, and clinging to me, which ignited an entirely different flame.
I wasn’t coming back here for me. Or for them.
I was here for her.
And I needed to be strong.
I looked over my shoulder toward the woods where Kham would remain until I was out of sight, and swallowed.
Then, when I turned back, I exhaled everything I had become, and inhaled everything I used to be.
Dark.
Cold.
Mean.
In control.
I closed my eyes, and donned the old skin I’d once discarded like a shedding snake. I felt it fall over me again. Felt my heart go still. And my mind as well.
Felt myself go cold.
Then numb.
And then, with only a small shudder, I grasped the slick, bronze knocker, lifted it, and banged it twice against the doorplate.
Despite the late hour, shadows moved inside at once, passing before the rippled panes of glass in the door. Voices raised in quiet surprise, but quickly stifled.
The sound of the lock turning, the heavy clunk that signified freedom—or a cage—vibrated in my bones. I shoved my hands into my pockets, my elbow holding back the bags thrown over my shoulders as I braced one leg, let the other bend in casual rest, pushed my shoulders back, and dropped my chin.
Light that should have brought warmth with it fell over me, making me blink after being in the dark for hours. So, it took a moment to see clearly enough to identify—
“Oh dear God!”
I made myself smile. “Hello, Mrs. Voss.” She was the housekeeper, and had always been my favorite, because she was kind, and didn’t enjoy the pain of others. She was simply pragmatic enough to overlook the cruelty of her masters.
“A ghost! A ghost!” she shrieked. “Dear God!” she gasped, clutching her ample chest and staggering back.
I sighed as the pounding of servants’ feet echoed through the marble hall beyond the door, footmen, maids, even two of the messenger boys, darting into the wide entry to see what could strip Mrs. Voss of her usual aplomb.
One of the men, a senior footman whose name escaped me, slid to a halt, eyes and mouth wide with shock.
I nodded once, then turned to stare a warning at the men who’d been hired since I left, and wouldn’t recognize me.
They crowded closer, one of them pulling Mrs. Voss aside. I let my jaw roll, but kept my hands in my pockets. I had a blade in each sleeve, and another at my back if I needed it. I remained casual in my stance as they attempted to ascertain what had the usually unflappable woman, so flustered.
Voices rose and echoed as more staff arrived to see the disturbance.
“What on earth is going on? Are we staffed by elephants?! What is that infernal shrieking?”
They all whirled, the footmen leaping to formal attention, the maids hurrying to line up before the owner of the voice appeared a moment later in the grand arch under the stairs.
The spider, emerging from her web.
My heart pounded so hard, it ached. But I didn’t move quickly. Only tipped my head and waited for her to see me.
The mistress of the House of Ashford stormed into the lobby, still in her dinner dress, though her cheeks were pink, so she’d likely been at the wine after the meal. She swept into the space, and all light seemed to dim in her presence.
I’d always mused that one day, if she grew furious enough, her shadow would swallow the sun.
As she stormed toward me, I vaguely registered that her beautifully dressed, brunette hair was now scattered with gray, and the lines around her mouth and eyes had deepened.
But there wasn’t time for anything else as the men parted before her and she swept through, her face twisted into an ugly snarl.
She scowled at Mrs. Voss, who held the arms of one of the footmen and fanned herself, still crying out with shock.
“Dear lord, what a racket! What has you so—”
I cleared my throat and she jerked to me, her features untwisting in the blink of an eye.
Unmoving, she stared. Her face blank. If her hands hadn’t frozen in position, primed to grab Mrs. Voss, I might have believed she didn’t recognize me. Or perhaps, didn’t care. It was a relief to see that she wasn’t untouched.
Her eyes widened, just slightly, as I offered an elegant bow, in the precise form I’d been taught since I was old enough to walk.
“Hello, Mother,” I said. And my tone cracked with the same cold as the ice when the lake froze over. “How wonderful to see you.”