Chapter Twenty-Nine
Five days later Rosie and Grace settled in for a well-earned lunch at Fish Union, the fishmongers and restaurant on the Parade.
That morning Alan at the dry-cleaner’s had agreed to put a poster for book club in the window and to leave flyers on the desk, and all the other local shops and restaurants had promised to do the same.
After their food arrived, Grace turned to her daughter. ‘I’ve been meaning to apologize to you.’
‘What for?’ Rosie squeezed lemon over her prawns.
‘Lots of things, actually.’ Grace turned her fork over in her fingers, suddenly nervous.
She’d practised what she wanted to say many times in her head, but now the words evaded her.
‘First off, I’m sorry I didn’t understand what you were going through when you were a teenager.
I thought you were intentionally … if I’d known more about—’
‘Let me stop you there.’ Rosie chewed quickly then swallowed. ‘I was an awful teenager. You have nothing to be sorry for.’
‘But—’
‘No. I’m not having it. You’ve been a brilliant mum and I’m very lucky to have you.’ She pointed at Grace’s plate. ‘Now eat your crab.’
Grace carried on twisting the fork. ‘Even if that is the case, I shouldn’t have relied on you so much after your dad died.
’ Rosie stilled, her eyes on her plate. Grace continued, ‘It wasn’t fair of me to lean on you when you were grieving too.
I worry you didn’t have the opportunity to deal with your own feelings. ’
Rosie wiped her mouth with her napkin then held it tightly. ‘Sorry, Mum, do you mind if we don’t talk about this now?’ She cleared her throat. ‘I don’t want to cry here.’
Grace touched her daughter’s tense hand. ‘I’m so sorry, love.’
Rosie nodded quickly. ‘I think I got so used to putting on a brave face, that if I let go it might all come out, and that won’t be pretty.’
‘We could leave?’
‘No, it’s okay. Let’s have lunch and look at the pictures from the shoot like we planned. I appreciate what you’ve said and I will deal with my feelings.’ She glanced up and smiled. ‘Just not now.’
‘Understood.’ Grace watched her daughter open her laptop and scroll to the folder with the pictures in, wishing she could take her in her arms and let her sob out her grief on her shoulder.
‘Look at Earnest in that one,’ said Rosie her voice bright again.
Grace wondered whether it was healthy to push the feelings down again, but she had to respect Rosie’s wishes.
She followed to where she was pointing at a picture of Harry scratching the cat under his chin, Earnest’s sapphire eyes vivid against his dark face.
‘I think he should be the club’s mascot.
’ She peeled the head from a huge garlic and chilli prawn and dropped it onto a plate with other discarded shells.
She bit into the pink flesh and closed her eyes with an expression of ecstasy as she chewed.
‘Good idea,’ said Grace, lifted by Rosie’s enthusiasm.
Since deciding to build the book club, ideas seemed to fizz and pop in her head, every one full of exciting potential.
‘Do you think we need a logo and all that kind of business? We could have one designed around Earnest. A cartoon of him reading a book or something?’
‘Not sure,’ said Rosie, rinsing her fingers in the small bowl of water next to her plate. ‘Jude said book club has a holding page rather than a website. I suppose it depends on how big you want to go.’
Grace grinned. ‘Massive. Your dad wanted everyone to have the opportunity to be included, so we need to reach, well, everyone.’
Rosie laughed. ‘Wow I hardly recognize you, you know. Where has that insular, self-contained woman of a few months ago gone?’
Grace warmed at the delight on Rosie’s face as she spoke.
She had to admit, her life had changed a lot since she first went to the silent book club three months ago.
Beforehand, she’d been entirely lost in a lonely life that made no sense without Frank in it.
She’d had fixed ideas and lost touch with the world outside.
Now she had a whole new bunch of people to learn from, and whom she genuinely thought of as friends, and a purpose she knew would have made Frank proud.
It was wonderful to spend her time with Rosie planning for the future instead of her daughter having to carry the weight of both their grief.
‘She’s still in here’ – she tapped her chest – ‘but she’s tucked inside a slightly happier Russian doll.
’ She scooped crabmeat from the shell with her fork and savoured the fresh taste, along with the truth of what she said.
Rosie smiled, but her bottom lip trembled. She gave her head a quick shake and turned back to the laptop. ‘This photo of you is excellent, even if I do say so myself.’
Grace was about to say she thought her smile looked forced when her mobile dinged.
It was a message from Crush. Have you seen what that bastard wrote?
A grey speech bubble danced under the words, then a link to an article appeared.
Grace’s heart lurched. ‘Crush has sent through the article in the Examiner, and she doesn’t sound happy. ’
Rosie glanced at the link on Grace’s phone and frowned.
‘I’ll open it on here so we can both read it.
’ Her fingers moved quickly over the keyboard and Grace shuffled closer to her on the banquette.
The article filled the screen. They both gasped at the headline: Why Does Everyone Think they Have ADHD These Days?
Opinion piece by our culture correspondent, Zed Fellows.
Grace and Rosie gawked at each other, open-mouthed, then turned back to the screen and read on.
Have you ever heard of a silent book club?
I hadn’t until I visited one such group in the suburban town of Chislehurst on the London, Kent borders.
During an enlightening discussion with the members, I learned how one hour of the bi-monthly sessions is taken up with people quietly reading a book of their choice, and another hour is for socializing and discussion on a purely voluntary basis.
What interested me the most was hearing that the group are on the hunt for neurodivergent members. Seems like a positive move, doesn’t it? But when I discovered the founding member only ‘thought he might have ADHD’ I started to wonder if our obsession with this condition has gone too far.
‘I feel sick,’ said Grace, her hand covering her mouth.
‘That isn’t what we said, is it?’ She tried to recall the exact words she and Annie used.
‘We talked about loneliness and grief. We did say we wanted neurodivergent people to feel comfortable at book club, and that was only one tiny part of what we discussed, we didn’t say …
’ Bile rose in her throat. She pushed the plate of seafood away, unable to face it anymore.
Rosie’s eyes were still glued to the screen. ‘Can you read the rest of it to me?’
‘Are you sure you want me to? It’s a load of bollocks.’
‘Go on, I want to know what we’re dealing with.’ Grace leaned back and closed her eyes.
‘Anyone listening to Grace Bray and Annie Carter talk about the founding member of their silent book club, Frank Bray (Grace’s late spouse), could be forgiven for believing he was a pioneer in the ADHD space, designing a safe place for neurodivergent people to read and interact in a community that welcomed and included them.
But with a little more investigation, it soon became clear that wasn’t the whole story.
‘Frank was self-diagnosed, self-identifying as a person with ADHD, without ever seeking a medical opinion. ADHD is a popular topic in the media and, in my opinion, its rise in the public’s consciousness has led to as many problems as it has solved.’
A pretty young waitress dressed in all black came over to their table. ‘Everything okay?’
Rosie glanced up. ‘Yes, thank you.’ She smiled, then turned to Grace when the waitress went back behind the glass counter under which various fish were displayed amongst crushed ice. ‘Want me to carry on?’
Grace nodded.
‘Please don’t misunderstand me, I’m all for seeking help for neurodivergent conditions and mental health problems. In my previous role as a reporter on a music magazine, I saw more than my fair share of addiction, paranoid behaviour and breakdowns, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, but in a world where the country’s health system is already on its knees, is it helpful for people to claim to have a disability despite having no clinical grounds to do so, and encourage others to do the same? I think not.
‘This may be an unpopular opinion (and it goes without saying this doesn’t apply to anyone with an official diagnosis), but so much of what people self-diagnose as ADHD is simply part of the human condition: executive function issues, slow processing, time-blindness and poor impulse control to name a few.
Could it be that, with this surge of awareness, comes a risk of people who are just disorganized, tardy or difficult being allowed to get away with poor behaviour because they’ve attached a label to themselves?
You don’t have to take responsibility for, or amend your conduct if it’s part of a medical condition.
‘I’m not suggesting Frank Bray was dishonest. But I do believe his actions were synonymous with a society that increasingly encourages individuals to make excuses for their own poor behaviour. I want to see people take more responsibility for their actions, not less.
‘The silent book club sounds like a positive idea, and I’m all for destigmatizing mental health conditions and disability and creating safe, inclusive spaces for all members of our society – but can we do so with our eyes open to the charlatans out there?
‘Contrary to what social media might be telling you, not everyone has ADHD, and anyone who has, should have been told that by a qualified medical professional, not some random, self-diagnosed know-it-all on TikTok.
‘If you like the sound of a book club where people sit around and read in silence, you can find contact details below. Personally, I think I’ll give it a miss.’
Grace’s scalp itched with sweat. It had all backfired.
This man had sullied Frank’s character and made it look like they were exclusively on the hunt for neurodivergent members.
That could stop someone who was lonely but neurotypical coming along.
On top of that, everything he’d written echoed what she’d thought herself a few short months ago, before she’d understood how very real the condition was, and how much the diagnosis had helped Jude to understand and come to terms with himself.
She couldn’t believe that instead of promoting book club and destigmatizing ADHD, she’d managed to do the opposite.