Chapter Thirty
‘I could kill him,’ said Annie, as she stomped ahead of Grace into the woods.
They’d arranged a walk together a few days after the article came out.
It was the first time Grace felt strong enough to face the outside world.
‘He hoodwinked us. It shouldn’t be allowed.
I can’t believe we didn’t ask for copy approval before he was allowed to print whatever rubbish he wanted.
I don’t know how that man sleeps at night, slandering a good man like Frank. ’
‘Slow down,’ said Grace. ‘I can’t keep up.
And he didn’t exactly slander him. It was clearly set out as an opinion piece, and we can’t fight free speech.
’ Grace had reread the article enough times to quote it by heart, hoping every time she read it, she might find something new that didn’t suggest Frank was a snake oil salesman, and the group wasn’t misrepresented, all because of her.
Annie halved her pace, her feet still stamping heavily on the soggy ground. ‘I don’t know how you can be so reasonable about it. That was a revenge piece, nothing more. I have a good mind to ring the editor of that paper and tell him about Zed Fellows’ vendetta against Crush.’
‘I’ve spoken to Crush and that’s not what she wants,’ said Grace. ‘She’s furious, obviously, but she says he will want us to react. She thinks it might have been the little toad’s way of baiting her into retaliating and giving an interview of her own.’
Two red patches appeared on Annie’s cheeks. ‘The absolute shit,’ she said, stamping her feet. ‘I’m so bloody angry. I can’t believe he sullied Frank’s memory like that.’
‘That’s the bit that’s killing me,’ said Grace.
‘It doesn’t matter that it’s inaccurate.
People will believe it because it’s in print.
To be fair, it’s not even inaccurate, is it?
The only thing he said that’s untrue is that Frank said he had ADHD, and the reason he wrote that is because I didn’t make it clear.
I wish I’d told him Frank didn’t even tell me he thought he had ADHD, rather than acting like it was something we all knew about him.
I suppose I was worried about how that would make me look. ’
‘You did nothing wrong,’ said Annie. ‘Whether you knew or not isn’t the point. It was the fact he wanted to help other people, that was the message.’ She huffed. ‘I bet not that many people have read it, anyway. Thank goodness it was only in the online version, not the paper one.
‘I can’t believe I’m saying this … but did Zed Fellows have a point about self-diagnosis? Frank clearly thought he had it, and we’ve come to the conclusion that Rosie has, but … It’s not like people can go around saying they have, I don’t know, MS, or something, is it?’
Annie huffed. ‘I don’t think it’s the same thing …
or maybe it is. A diagnosis doesn’t change what’s happening to a body or a brain, not until the treatment kicks in, if there is one.
It’s just that more people know about ADHD now, so more are looking for treatment.
It doesn’t mean that a bigger proportion of the population have it these days, just that more are recognizing the signs and asking for help.
Take your Jude, for example. He had it before he got a diagnosis.
A bit of paper didn’t change his symptoms, did it?
Would he have chosen to have ADHD? That Zed idiot seemed to think everyone wants to have it. ’
Grace considered the question. ‘By the time his diagnosis came through, I think he was just glad to be able to put a name to his experience of the world.’
‘Yeah, but if you had a choice, you wouldn’t have an overactive brain or trouble retaining information, would you?’
‘Or anxiety, or executive function problems.’
‘Exactly. So what if some people use the label as an excuse for poor behaviour? If raising awareness helps people like Jude, then stuff the rest.’
‘And stuff Zed Fellows.’ Grace’s shoulder muscles unfurled as they walked on. The morning’s rain had left the ground mulchy, and she enjoyed the squelch under her Doc boots and the sharpness of the crisp air in her nostrils.
‘Have you read the comments section under the article?’ asked Annie when they reached the top of the slope leading down towards the railway line.
‘I daren’t.’
‘Don’t.’
Grace’s stomach flipped. ‘Are they bad?’
Annie scowled. ‘A mixed bag. Some idiots on their high horses saying in their day everyone just got on with it.’
‘For God’s sake,’ said Grace. ‘The narrow minds of some people.’ She immediately felt like a hypocrite. At least she was trying harder to open her mind now.
‘A few people have asked where they can find a silent book club near them, though, so it’s not all bad.’
‘Oh, that’s good. Did you let them know about Beckenham Bookshop?’
‘I said we’d put the details on the holding page when everything’s been confirmed.’
Grace nodded and stepped gingerly down the muddy path.
‘Rosie and I have arranged to put posters up everywhere we can think of and Jude and Jasmine are getting everything ready for the videos.’ The enthusiasm she’d felt before was returning.
Sod Zed Fellows and his stupid opinions.
What she was trying to do was positive, and she shouldn’t allow herself to be derailed by someone she didn’t respect. ‘Have you chosen your books yet?’
Annie stomped down the slope, seemingly oblivious to the slippery mud coating the stones. ‘I haven’t had a chance.’
Grace waited for her to say more. She’d bounced with enthusiasm when Grace came up with the theme that could run through all of their short films. After a moment, when Annie remained quiet, she said, ‘How’s Jack getting on?’
Annie let out a cry. Her right foot shot out in front of her, and she toppled backwards, landing in the mud with a crack.
Grace hurried to her side, her pulse quickening when she saw Annie’s eyes were closed.
Had she hit her head? She checked her chest. It was rising and falling, thank God.
She examined her head, hands hovering over her waterproof jacket, knowing she shouldn’t move her, but not sure what she should do.
Then she spotted a tear trickle from Annie’s closed eye.
‘Annie, love. Are you hurt? Shall I call 999?’
Annie’s eyes squeezed tight and she shook her head. ‘I’m all right.’
‘Are you sure?’ She started to move, and Grace put her hand on her arm. ‘Maybe you should stay still until—’
‘I’m fine.’ She sat up, putting a hand to the back of her head then looking at her mud-coated fingers. ‘Covered in mud, but that’s the worst of it.’
‘But … you’re crying,’ said Grace, quietly. She’d got used to Annie’s upbeat, can-do attitude. Seeing her lying in the mud with a single tear tracking down her face was new and deeply unnerving.
Annie put one hand in the sludge and levered herself to standing.
She looked a mess. Her entire coat was slick with brown mud and water had soaked through her leggings at the back making it look like she’d wet herself, or worse.
‘This is the cherry on the top of a crappy week.’ She wiped the back of her hand across her face.
‘Ignore me, I’ll be fine. Might be best to turn back, though. ’
‘Of course.’ Grace scanned her mind for something appropriate to say that wouldn’t be seen as prying. ‘If it’s more than nasty reporters and muddy slides that’s bothering you, you can talk to me. You know that, don’t you?’
‘I know. Thank you.’ Annie turned and picked her way back up the path. She was quiet for a few minutes, then she said, ‘You remember I told you my Jack’s been under the weather?’
‘Yes.’
‘And that he lost his job?’ Annie glanced at Grace then quickly away.
‘Yes.’
‘Well, what I didn’t know was that his redundancy money ran out last month and he’s been hiding the bills.
Everything is set up in his name because he lived there before we got together, and that’s never been a problem before.
I only found out yesterday when I went to watch that new drama everyone’s been talking about on Netflix and a message came up saying we didn’t have a subscription.
‘He was still in bed, which seems to be the case half the time these days, and when I went up to ask him about it, it all came tumbling out, how he’d stopped reading the emails and how he’d hidden the letters that came in.
He ended up sobbing. He wouldn’t look at me.
Turns out we were behind on the water, gas, electricity, council tax, the lot.
The mortgage went through at the start of the month, thank the Lord, but if I hadn’t got that little nest egg I inherited from my mum tucked away, I don’t know what we’d have done about next month.
I spent yesterday paying what we owe and cancelling anything that’s not absolutely necessary.
And now my safety blanket’s all gone, and he still won’t go to the bloody doctors, never mind the benefits office. ’
‘Oh, Annie, how awful. I’m so sorry you have to deal with that. Why on earth didn’t he tell you?’
Annie shrugged. ‘Why didn’t Frank tell you about what was going on in his head?
Pride? Ego? Didn’t want to worry you? Jack said he kept thinking things would turn around, that he’d feel well enough one morning to jump out of bed and get himself a temporary job to tide us over.
But every day he felt worse, and then it all seemed unsurmountable, and, well, here we are. ’
A man walking a bored-looking bulldog walked past them, shooting furtive glances at Annie’s dishevelled state. ‘Is there anything I can do to help?’ Grace said, already knowing the answer.
Annie’s eyes were watery when she looked at her.
‘You’re only just pulling yourself out of your own troubles, I don’t want you worrying about mine, and if it’s all right with you, I’d like to keep all this between the two of us.
’ She waited for confirmation and Grace nodded.
‘The thing that would help me is seeing you build up the book club. You and Crush will be quite the team—’
‘And you. We need you too.’ Panic that Annie was opting out tightened Grace’s chest. She couldn’t imagine doing any of the things they’d planned without her new friend by her side.
‘I’m not going anywhere,’ said Annie, gently, but there was a sadness in her voice that left Grace wondering if that was really true.