Chapter 28 #2
“I told you that running away was stupid and reckless.”
“Shut up, Dion. We’ve been over it.”
“And my point still stands.”
“I know your point. You can stop rubbing it in.”
“Never, Jama, never.”
Lor laughed. “You two bicker like an old married couple.”
“He wishes.”
“I don’t.”
Lor chuckled again. “My point.”
I made an unhappy face and curled my lips downward as I kept my attention on Lor, the biting sting of annoyance coiling in my belly.
She’d changed into fine leathers, had cleaned up, and appeared more relaxed than earlier in the tavern.
I pushed away my unjustified irritation, forbidding myself to dwell on the dark thoughts I had and returned to our earlier conversation. “It was self-defense.”
“I don’t need to know what happened. Just seeing you tells me you aren’t a cold-blooded murderer. You have your man for that.”
Lor’s words rendered me speechless while Dion chuckled. “Astute observation. She barely knows where the pointy end of a sword is.”
“That isn’t true. I’m training hard!”
“You still have a lot to learn.”
“Then be a better teacher.”
“Even I can’t work miracles, Jama.”
This time, I resisted the urge to roll my eyes.
The last time I’d done it a few times too often in a row, Dion had teased me that one day, my eyes would get stuck.
Back then, I wanted to toss him off our horse, and nothing had changed since that interaction.
Grumbling, I let go of my irritations. Instead, I addressed Lor again, ignoring Dion’s smug chuckles.
“How do you know the way to the seer if no one else does?”
“Larithia was in Kalcas’ dungeon for a while.
My father wanted her to see for him, and she refused.
So he had her arrested in the hopes of changing her mind and breaking her.
Officially, she was charged with having no husband or owner, since she was freshly widowed.
I helped her to escape and made sure she had a secret hideout far away from Kalcas. ”
“But you were hiding from your family yourself.”
“Yes, but only after I freed Larithia. Because when I returned, my father was furious with me and decided it was time to sell me into marriage. I disagreed, so I cut off my hair and went into hiding in the slums of Kalcas, where I had some allies. Ever since, I’ve tried to get away without being captured.
There were too many close calls within the last month alone to risk staying. ”
It was awe—and a good dose of jealousy—I felt for the young noble, who did everything in her power to escape the lot given to every Ivreian woman.
It only reminded me of how I’d never fought back.
I’d only quietly endured my father’s punishments, always swearing to myself to act next time.
And if Jelric had survived, I surely would’ve married him in order to appease my parents.
I felt like a coward who talked nothing but hot air—all I could do was whine and complain, but stand up for myself?
I’d been much too scared for that. Slumping my shoulders, I huffed and was definitely not in the mood for conversation anymore.
I stayed silent for the rest of the day’s ride. Dion tried to interact with me, but since I only answered with vague noises or one-syllable words—hopefully, he liked a taste of his own medicine—he gave up on engaging me in conversation.
I should’ve realized that it was unlike him to let me have my peace.
For tonight’s camp, Lor pointed out a decent-sized cave in the mountains. It was well hidden, and we would’ve walked right past if she hadn’t drawn our attention to it.
I withdrew to a dark corner, far away from everyone, leaning against the cold stone wall and closing my eyes.
I was still brooding about how passive I’d been all these winters—just a woman shouting her anger at the clouds like the town’s fool—and how passive and useless I still was.
Being an Amplifier had changed nothing. In the end, I had a supportive role, existing merely as a power reservoir for a Wielder.
Somehow, it didn’t sit right with me. If I’d been completely honest with myself, I’d seen it as absolutely justified how much suffering training with Thain had caused me.
That way, there was at least something I could have proudly pointed at, something that had felt like an achievement, along the lines of, “It felt awful, but I pushed through and now look at me.” In a way, I’d treated my suffering as my penance.
With Dion, though, there wasn’t even a need for training.
Whenever his magic was reaching out for my Potential, it was like a merging of spirits, a dance of two souls so different and yet so alike.
Supplying him felt safe, warm, and pleasant, and the nasty voice inside of me hated it, hated how my punishment had been taken away, and how there was nothing I could do anymore to atone for all my shortcomings.
I didn’t want to remain the weak young woman who couldn’t protect herself. But how could I change? What could I do to be more than just a burden?
The only good part was that I was able to hide my growing self-loathing from Dion and the others—or so I thought.
I jumped in surprise when Dion appeared seemingly out of nowhere. He stalked over to me in silence and sat down right next to me.
“Talk to me.”
“I’m not in the mood.”
“You haven’t been the entire afternoon.”
“Your observation skills are on point today. If that was all, leave me.”
“No.”
I snarled angrily, but the bastard only smiled.
“I’ve given you enough time to sulk, and it obviously didn’t help. So, you’ll talk to me about what’s bothering you.”
I sighed. All those weeks on the road with Dion told me one thing: he wouldn’t stop pushing me. Worse, he knew that I knew. Again, I was too weak to stand up for myself, and that didn’t exactly help me to feel any better.
“I’m angry at how weak I am.”
“Why do you think you’re weak?”
“Isn’t it obvious? I mean, look at Lor. She stood up to her family, took risks to help people, and has been doing so ever since.
She can survive on her own. I only yearn to be strong and independent.
She is. All I ever did was to be passive, weak, and pathetic while cultivating my anger, but what have I done about it?
Nothing. And even now, I’m just the one who needs protection.
The one that supports. The fucking useless one. ”
“You forgot to mention the one drowning in self-pity and who loathes herself with a passion.”
“I loathe you more.”
“You’re deflecting, Naya.”
“What if I am?”
“Well, pity. I won’t give you permission.”
“Can’t you let it go for just this once?”
“No. You need to have this conversation. You’re drowning in your misery, and you’re stuck seeing yourself as a victim.
All the while ignoring your true traumas.
And this now? You allow these self-destructive thoughts to come out to the surface because they’re safe.
Painful, yes. But also the best smokescreen for what’s really hurting you.
Instead of dealing with all the shit that happened to you, you ignore it.
Honestly, that’s the true weakness I see.
Ever since I picked you up from your hometown, I haven’t seen you even try to confront any of the horrors you’ve lived through.
That shit will explode in your face sooner rather than later.
Stop being a coward, Naya. You can’t change your past, but you can learn to thrive despite the fallout. ”
I stared at Dion, speechless. His sermon had been brutal, and each harsh word pushed the dagger deeper into my open wounds.
“You want to be strong? Maybe consider first that strength doesn’t always come from raw power or how well you wield a weapon.
” Dion’s tone softened. “Naya, you can’t fly with broken wings.
First, we need to heal them. And there’s no way for us to do so if we don’t face your broken parts.
And yes, I haven’t misspoken—I mean we and us. I want to help you—if you let me.”
“I don’t know how.” The sentence slipped out of me before I could stop it. “Also, there’s so much more important stuff going on—there’s simply no time. And you have your own—”
“Excuses.”
“Not true.”
“Sorry, dear, but it is. I can’t force you to talk about the wounds in your soul—to face your demons. I wish I could because if you don’t do that, you’ll crash and burn at the most inconvenient time, and I want to spare everyone, especially you, that kind of pain.”
“Thinking about the past hurts.”
Dion surprised me and wrapped his arm around my shoulders, pulling me closer to him. How he held me felt comforting, and I leaned into him. “I know it does, Naya. But if you don’t face your pain, it can fester and will never go away.”
I dropped my head on his shoulder, breathing in his scent that never failed to make me feel safe.
And so did his magic. Watching a perky tendril appear, I observed it coiling around my wrist with a comforting, pulsating beat from within its dark, shadowy form.
Lately, Dion’s magic started to leak out of him more often, but since I couldn’t help but think of the curious little things as cute, I never complained, even when I woke up completely wrapped in ten or more of them.
Most likely, Dion was aware of how this display of magic touched my heartstrings, so he humored me as often as he could.
“Tell me about one of your demons. Just about one.”
I thought about it, and for once, Dion waited patiently through the silence while I sorted my mind.
“My father threatened to kill me if I messed up the betrothal. He wanted to drown me in a lake, and I’m sure he’d have done so. All my life, I’ve been just a failure to my parents.”
Dion would believe and understand me without asking for further explanation. He’d seen the scars and had already found out they came from a lifetime of punishment.