Chapter 16
Sarah
Fuck. What did I do?
And why did it have to feel so freaking amazing?
Why did I leave?
I bring my fingers to my lips as the elevator goes down.
Maybe I’m being a coward.
Perhaps I should take the elevator back up.
I know that’s what my heart and libido are hoping for.
My head, on the other hand, is telling me all the reasons why this is a bad idea.
Number one, he’s the captain of the NHL team I’m working with.
Number two, I’ll meet him at work all the time.
Number three, the feelings he evokes in me are terrifying. He has the power to break down every wall I’ve ever built to protect myself; he’s well underway already.
And that right there is the reason I just ran out of his apartment with my tail between my legs.
God, I’m pathetic.
I’ve never been the girl who’s afraid of some feelings.
When he finally kissed me, I was relieved.
The tension between us has been killing me, and it all got too much when he was doing a photoshoot half-naked in front of me this morning.
On top of that, he had to ask for my advice on his team, even though he’s already a great leader and captain.
Having him confide in me felt special.
And don’t get me started on that kiss.
He lit every nerve ending in my body on fire with his tongue, his lips, his touch.
The way we fit together so effortlessly, so perfectly.
As I make my way out of the building, I can’t help the sinking feeling in my stomach.
Why did I even run from something so good?
Alexander’s been amazing in every way, and I ran out on him like my pants were on fire. He deserves better than that.
When I got inside that elevator, he looked disappointed and hurt, making my own heart miserable.
I would rather have his anger than that look.
When I grow back my confidence, I will talk to him.
Tell him how this is a me-problem, not a he-problem.
That usually does the trick, making the man back down.
On that thought, I make my way to my car and drive back to my dorm, each kilometre feeling like an extra barrier between myself and the man I want, but don’t know if I’ll be able to handle.
～
The next day, I meet up with Samantha.
Thankfully, the weekend is here, so I don’t have to worry about running into Alexander at the rink. That will be a problem on Monday.
We decide to grab brunch and get seated at a table overlooking the river.
“Okay, spill, girl, I can tell there’s something on your mind,” I bite my lip as I look over at Samantha, contemplating how I should approach this whole thing.
“Judgement-free zone, okay?” She nods at me, eager for whatever gossip I have to spill.
“Alexander kissed me,” Samantha squeals so loudly that people around us start looking at her, but she ignores them.
“Omigod, omigod, tell me all about it! Freaking finally! That man has been looking at you like you’re his own personal goddess.” I blush at her comments.
“Yeah, but then I kind of ruined the moment by running off,” I tell her sheepishly, and Samantha quickly loses her glee, clearly disappointed in me.
She waits for me to elaborate, and I do.
I tell her about the memorable kiss and how we fit together so perfectly.
Then I share my fears of having a man like him by my side and how vulnerable I feel whenever he’s nearby.
“Girl, it sounds to me like you’ve never really had a boyfriend. Just acquaintances with benefits, maybe?”
I hate to admit it, but I think she’s right.
I’ve never truly let a man get close to me, but with Alexander, that isn’t an option.
He’s woven himself into my head, my heart, and my body so effortlessly.
“I know, I’m just scared. He makes me feel more than anyone has before him, leaving me vulnerable,” I tell her, and she takes my hand.
“Trust me, Sarah, I’ve known this man for some time now, and he would never go to these lengths for someone he doesn’t care deeply for. I understand the vulnerability, but I’m sure he’s right there with you.”
Once again, I feel bad for how I left him.
He’s a great man, and I just ran out of there like he hurt me, when he did the total opposite.
～
On Monday, I’m prepared for Alexander to find me, but he never does. I’m working in my office and even make a few trips over to “his” wing of the building where the players gather, but he’s nowhere to be seen.
I’m tempted to ask Noah, but I decide against it.
As the day winds down, I feel disappointed that he hasn’t sought me out, but then again, I don’t really have a reason to expect him to.
I was the one who ran from him, not the other way around.
Monday leaves me feeling hollow, and I wake up on Tuesday with a pit in my stomach.
As the vulnerability returns, I retreat into hiding, even though something tells me he’s not actually looking for me.
Maybe this was just a ruse for him after all.
Perhaps a rejection was enough for him to move on to someone else.
Tuesday evening, I head to the airport to pick up Jessica.
I’ve been trying to reach her over the past few days, and when she finally answered her phone, I could tell something bad had happened between her and Luke.
We devour the fast food; my bestie needed some fuel after a long trip all the way from Australia.
We catch up on our internships and all the crazy things we get to experience.
Jessica is traveling the world, waking up each week in a new country, sometimes even a new continent. And me, maybe not traveling the same distances, but living out the reporting dream nonetheless.
I turn to her with a serious expression on my face.
“Okay, so now that all the school and work stuff is out of the way, spill what’s happened between you and Luke.”
She tells me about their amazing time together, exploring new cities and meeting his sister.
Then everything changed when he suddenly broke it off with her, and the only explanation was “he can’t do this anymore.”
And right there, ladies and gentlemen, we see the problem with men, but also women, as I basically did the same thing with Alexander.
Seeing the hurt my best friend is experiencing stirs up my own insecurities about Alexander.
No one wants their heart to be broken, and if I ever trusted him fully, my heart would definitely be involved.
Would he cherish it and keep it safe?
Or hurt me, like Luke did with Jessica?
Seemingly out of nowhere, after they’d had a fantastic time together.
Jessica keeps talking and tells me about a gala they attended, which was supposed to be their first official date out in public, but Luke broke her heart before they even got that far.
He chased her down at the gala after she danced with his rival, but nothing seemed to have changed, leaving Jessica heartbroken.
“Either he’s hiding something and won’t tell you, or he’s just a fucking idiot for letting you go. I’m sorry, Jessica,” I say, leaning over to hug her.
I hold my best friend, letting her pour her heartache out, soothing her as well as I can, cursing Luke Hastings for ever hurting my best friend.
When I’ve dropped Jessica off at her parents’ house, I head home to my dad’s place.
The anniversary of my mom’s death is just a few days away, and I plan to make the trip back then as well.
“Hey, Dad,” I call out as I walk in.
“In the kitchen,” he responds, probably in the midst of cooking dinner.
During times like these, it feels comforting to have him nearby, knowing I can make the drive here on a regular evening.
I hug him before setting the table for us both.
“How is the brilliant social media strategist of the Chicago Coyotes this evening?” he asks me as we sit down.
“I’m good; it’s been incredible so far—getting to know the team and everyone working there,” I reply, and I can tell the question about the players is just around the corner.
“And the players? Are they behaving around my daughter?”
I roll my eyes at him. You’d think that at 24 years old, he would stop looking at me like I’m his baby, but I guess a dad never will.
“They’ve been on their best behaviour,” I tell him, trying to sound nonchalant.
It’s not like I can tell him that the captain of the team had his tongue down my throat just a few days ago.
As I think about him, it feels like my dad has telepathic abilities.
“Even the captain?” he asks, making my pulse quicken.
“What do you mean?” I ask, again trying to sound neutral, but probably failing.
This is my dad we’re talking about; he’s probably calling my bullshit.
“He seemed, I don’t know, he was just looking at you in a different way than the other guys.”
Even my freaking dad noticed the connection between us.
I won’t confirm his suspicions, though, since I’m not planning on taking this any further.
“Well, you have nothing to worry about. I’m busy with my job, that’s all.”
He doesn’t seem entirely convinced, but he lets it go, at least for now.
～
The next day, I meet up with Jessica at one of the local cafes, and I can tell it’s my turn to be grilled about the boy trouble.
“Okay, so now that we’ve covered all of my love life, or lack of, it’s your turn,” she tells me as I pick at my nails.
I never really got around to telling her about all my complicated feelings for Alexander, so I’m curious to see her reaction when I tell her we kissed.
Luke Hastings was right about something, at least.
“Well, promise me you won’t judge,” I tell her, and she reassures me that, as my best friend, she will never judge me.
“You know Alexander? The guy I slapped across the face and all that?” I ask her sheepishly.
Clearly, she knows who I’m talking about; I’m just stretching out the conversation. I even talked to her and Luke about him on FaceTime.
“Well, I might have let it slip in our previous conversations that the sexual chemistry is kind of off the charts. So, when I saw him on Friday, he was taunting me about the whole “I’m going to report you for assault” thing, and things got heated.
I told him I’d report him for sexual misconduct since he called me a hooker the first time we met,” I bite my lip, wondering how she’s going to react to what comes next.
“When I said that, he told me that if I was going to report him, he was at least going to make the most of it, stalked over to me, and kissed me as if his life depended on it.”
It makes me lightheaded to think about the kiss.
God, it was perfect.
“What? Oh my god, Sarah, why didn’t you tell me before?” She asks me, and I roll my eyes at her.
“You’ve been MIA, and when I got a hold of you, I could tell something bad had happened, so I didn’t want to bother you. Besides, I also wanted to see your reaction in real life,” I say, smirking at her.
Seeing her live reaction to our kiss was a must when I knew she was coming home.
Jessica asks me what happened after, and I tell her about the smoking hot make-out session, the touching, and how I ran out of there.
Then I tell her about Monday and how I waited for him to find me, which never happened, and by Tuesday, the vulnerability crept back in, leading me to hide again.
“Hiding Sarah? You must really like this guy, then,” Jessica tells me with a smile. She knows me so well.
“I think that’s the problem. He calls me on my shit.
Usually, guys get threatened by that and turn the other way.
Alexander’s been the total opposite. Whenever I push, he pushes back twice as hard.
And that kiss scared me. How good he made me feel with just a kiss and some touching.
Imagine if we went all the way,” I sigh, thinking about him.
Not seeing him for these last few days has made me miss him.
Adding to the warning bells in my head, telling me all the reasons why I’m already in too deep with this man.
“What exactly are you afraid of? That the sex will be so good that you’ll catch fire?”
We both laugh at that, but as we calm down, I tell her about my insecurities.
“I’m afraid he’s actually going to see me, the whole me, and that scares me.” Jessica grabs my hand on top of the table.
“If you decide to give him a chance to see the whole you, Sarah, he’s one lucky guy. Don’t ever forget that.”
～
After a day of shopping, manicures, and dinner, I have to go back to the city.
Duty is calling.
I give her one last lingering hug, and she tells me that Alexander McGregor has nothing on Sarah Parker, before I get in my car and start the drive back to Chicago.
I spend the drive pondering my next step.
I have to talk to him.
Even though I’ve considered the whole “it’s me, not you” scenario, I know deep down he would never accept that.
Alexander’s a persistent man.
Therefore, I’ve decided to propose a deal to him—a friends-with-benefits arrangement.
It seems like the perfect solution.
We get to explore our sexual chemistry, and I get to protect my heart. This way, I maintain some of my precious control while still getting what I want.
He’s a guy, after all; there’s no way he’s going to turn down a deal like that, right?