Chapter 18
Sarah
Well, that went well.
I’m standing in my tiny apartment, which I’ve never really considered that small before the magnificent Alexander graced it with his presence.
He really does command a room in the best ways.
We had such a wonderful evening together, before I ruined it.
I thought he would be happy—or at least I hoped he would be.
I was hoping this night would end with some fantastic sex, but instead, I’m feeling heavy inside, unsure if I’ve blown every chance with him.
When he voiced what he wanted, I won’t deny how my heart skipped a beat.
He wants more. He wants it all.
But I can’t give him that.
He has the power to ruin me.
His anger surprised me—how passionate he was about this, and how my suggestion seemed like a ridiculous idea to him.
Worst of all, his disappointment when he realized this is the only way I’ll allow myself to have him.
When he left me, without a single touch, I felt devastated.
It feels like we’ve never been further apart.
～
The next day, everything is quiet in the office. Everyone else has travelled to the city of the game, and I’m alone.
Usually, I would appreciate the silence, but now it makes my head spiral back to Alexander and yesterday.
I can’t shake the sinking feeling that I’ve ruined everything.
I want nothing more than to have Samantha here or to call Jessica, but at the same time, I’m not sure I’m ready for their advice.
What if they confirm my suspicion that I’m in the wrong?
I’m simply too afraid to take on a man like him.
Right now, I need to sort through my own thoughts before I hear my friends’ insights.
The day feels slow as I try to focus on work, getting as much done as I can so I can relax over the weekend. I’m traveling back to Tinley Park this evening, and even though I look forward to spending time with my dad, this weekend will be difficult for both of us.
You might think that the anniversary of a death would get easier over time, and in some ways it does. The pain never goes away, but I’m okay with that.
I remind myself that even though it hurts, it’s also a way to remember Mom and keep her with me.
After I finish all my tasks for the day and turn off the lights, I head out of the building toward my car.
Dad is waiting for me with one of his signature hugs when I arrive.
It doesn’t matter that we saw each other just a few days ago: he’s always going to give me the best hugs, and on a day like this, I’m feeling extra grateful.
Thankfully, Chicago’s game isn’t until tomorrow, so when it’s time to relax in front of the TV with hockey, I don’t have to look at Alexander in all his glory.
I don’t think I could do that just yet.
Give me a few more hours until tomorrow, and I’ll hopefully find the courage to see his beautiful face.
When the evening winds down, I say good night to my dad as I bring a cup of tea and one of my books with me to my old room.
I check my phone and smile when I see Samantha’s text.
Samantha: Missing you, girl. This whole travelling across the country isn’t as fun without my sidekick.
Sarah: It’s weird not being on the road with you guys. The office was so quiet today that I almost got too much work done.
Samantha: Sounds terrible. Our captain is in a rather sour mood, more than usual. Know anything about that?
Just at the mention of him, I feel my pulse quickening in my chest.
I’m in so much trouble with this man.
I type out my response several times, delete it, before finally settling on something.
Sarah: Don’t know anything about that.
Samantha: The time it took before your answer came tells me everything I need to know ;)
Even though I haven’t known Samantha for very long, she understands me well.
I settle into bed, open my book, and try to block him out of my mind. But of course, I picture him as the main male character.
When things get heated in the book, I don’t even fight my urge for an orgasm and close the book.
A few days ago, I was sure we would cross that line as soon as I made my deal with Alexander.
Him turning me down has only increased my frustration.
So what if he doesn’t want to touch me?
I was doing just fine without him, and I’ll keep on going.
He will still be the man I imagine touching me, though, a girl’s got to do what a girl’s got to do.
My hand moves down my body, and I find my clit before I start circling.
I close my eyes, imagining myself back at his apartment during our heated kiss. Where my phone interrupted our moment last time, we now continue kissing with Alexander pressing me against his windows in his condo.
“Fuck Sarah. I need to touch you,” he husks in my ear as his hand slides inside my jeans. I press myself against him, craving to be as close as possible.
“Alexander, please,” I beg in his ear just as he feels my heat on his fingers.
“Christ, Sarah. You’re dripping for me.”
Ever so slowly, he slides his first finger inside me, soon followed by a second. He begins fingering me while whispering dirty things in my ear as I ride his hand.
“Such a good fucking girl, riding my hand.”
When he flicks my clit with his fingers, I fall apart. When I catch my breath and open my eyes, I’m shocked at the intensity of my fantasy.
Alexander is powerful even in my head. I’m breathing heavy, once again wondering how the real deal would make me feel.
～
The next morning, I drag myself out of bed, and start preparing for the day ahead.
First, I start making coffee and breakfast.
As always, I turn on my mom’s favourite artist, Robbie Williams, feeling my eyes tear up.
This day is always tough but also beautiful as we celebrate her a little extra.
My dad comes dancing into the kitchen when “Let me Entertain You” is playing, dragging me around as we dance and sing our hearts out.
When the song ends, and we settle down, he gives me a thoughtful look.
“What’s with the look?” I ask him over the rim of my coffee mug.
“She would be so proud of you,” I feel my eyes tear up again as I step into his arms.
“I’d like to think she would be proud of both of us.”
We stand there for a while in each other’s arms, and the music plays in the background.
After breakfast, my dad heads to the supermarket to buy everything needed for dinner tonight, while I clean up the kitchen.
Suddenly, the doorbell rings.
It’s not exactly unusual, since our neighbourhood is very friendly and anyone can stop by to chat.
Still, it’s early on a Saturday.
I open the door to a delivery person holding a giant bouquet of pink lilies.
“Hello, miss, are you Sarah Parker?” he asks me, looking down at the card in front of him.
Sometimes, neighbours and old friends of my mom send us flowers on her anniversary, but we’ve never received lilies before, even though they were her favourite.
Few people know that.
“Yes, that would be me,” I say as I accept the flowers.
I close the door and bring the flowers to the kitchen counter, searching for the card.
When I find it, I feel tears pressing once more.
Always thinking about you, but a little extra today. Hope you and John are doing okay.
- Alexander
I dry my tears, feeling my heart swell in my chest.
How he even knows the specific date is beyond me.
And he didn’t just know; he took the time to send me flowers, my mom’s favourite at that.
The fact that he also included my dad makes it even more special.
If I thought I was in trouble with this man before, I could never have imagined the feelings I’m experiencing now over such a thoughtful gesture—another confirmation of what kind of man he is.
Hit with the realization that this is a man who deserves more from me, I decide to give him a chance.
I will give us a chance.
Who was I trying to fool?
I would never be able to follow through on a friends-with-benefits agreement with him when my heart is already so heavily invested.
I might get burned, but Alexander is a man worth taking that chance with.
I tuck the card into my pocket. Dad is already asking questions about him; no need to give him any more fuel.
As expected, when he gets back, he asks me about the flowers, and I make up a lie about the neighbours sending a bouquet. As there is no card to be found, he looks sceptical but drops it, nevertheless.
We go to her grave, and I bring a single lily with me to place in front of the gravestone, as well as the flowers Dad and I picked out.
We sit in silence for a while before Dad wants to take a walk, leaving me alone with my mom.
“Hey, Mom, we miss you, especially today.”
Some people might think it’s crazy to sit and talk to the dead, but for me, this is the perfect way of feeling connected to her.
I sit there, feeling the cool air as I tell her about the latest developments in my life.
Then I tell her about Dad coming to the game in the city, and even though the result wasn’t what we hoped for, we still had a great time. It reminded me of old times, when we all went together.
I look down at the lily, letting out a sigh.
“I’ve met someone, and he’s not just anybody. He sent me flowers, your favourite flowers!”
The tears start rolling down my cheeks again, the emotional day making me cry more than usual.
I sit there and tell her all about Alexander and how he makes me feel.
“I think you would’ve loved him,” I whisper, wishing she had been here with us.
When I’ve got it all off my chest, I feel lighter, knowing my mom is out there somewhere, watching over me.
And now, she knows all about the man in my heart.
My dad comes back, and together we say goodbye as we head home.
We watch Chicago play their game, and once again, everything seems off.
The guys aren’t in synch, and the mistakes are piling up like never before. They lose 3-1, leaving everyone in a bad mood during their post-game interviews.
They try to put up a professional front, saying all the right things about how they’re going to bounce back from this.
They’re just in a funk they need to get out of.